Perserverance....

[eileen1969]

"My heart as well spirits are very strong and I am beautiful!
I have been thinking and praying along the way here and "I really do thank God for creating me!~all of me!"
I was able to must up as much courage to come out last year during my nephews birthday. I remember that day, like it was yesterday....a very painful experience for me! I came out and I was shaking and scared as hell, but I did that with heart. Walking into our world we share, I came out with expectations. My mistake? I have to really admit that, society has a very narrow perception! People have to be a certain way, dress a certain way and act accordingly!? I know, I am not the only one to go through this kind of experience daily. To make a long story short! I like it that way girls! Needless to say due to discriminations, three times in a row! and one right after the other was a lot for me! And it was clear violation of my charter of rights as a human being....This all occured within the year, a safe house!? a treatment centre!? and what was supposed to be (my home).
Even my family and what was once my freinds the truth came....that I was not be! They all not only condemned me and told me to be imprisoned because that it (dressing as a girl) was not accepted. I did not know how to deal with such overwhelming circumstances! I ran back into my chioce of substance. I suffered a major stroke, and died for 2 mins! revived by my younger brother! tg for him! My last one was near death due to eternal bleeding! I was so alone with my pains that were not mine to begin with!?
I was consumed by what others thought and I was walking here and thanking god to be able to be free once more and more prepared to handle anything people throw at me. I just smile, even at my fam....
I was even shaking my girl tail and say! ~ha! I am here and if anything will ever kill me? no one will! Going through that 3 times over.... I am still here and beautiful and free! :p I know I am not alone and I can walk strong in my favorite heels! I share this with you my girlfreinds without fear or judgements! cause I love ya all and so does our Creator! much love Eileenxoxoxo :)

[JocelynG]

Eileen,
Wow you have been through alot girl and have yet endured with who you are. My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you sweetie.

[eileen1969]

I shared myself and I feel great doing this for all whom are trying to be free or find themselves. Those expereinces are a bit vague of the truth of what exactly I went through. A lot that has either been said or thought of during my pains with actually being free. People can be very cold hearted and even threatened of my gift of being a women. I not only imprisoned myself but also taken on what others thought of me, all of me. That was not all my mistake and the traumas of the aftermath is that Iam able to perservere! Going through hell was not a pretty site! This also had to do with family, the ex-wife, who I have choosen to let go of! only the ones who do not care and at this piont the ex-mother is pretty much history. I made a healthy chioce~ either them or me? I choose me! and love myself enough to be! Letting go offers love! and why would I waste anymore time on others? nah~ :p I am happy! I know in my heart I will build a new family n freinds that accept me for who I am not what I wear? There loss I say! God knows those whom condemned me will have to answer to him! They say to forgive is devine and to air is human! Even though the hell they put me through~ I can still love them all!, at one piont I hated....therefor I hated me. Today, I don't!

I am power dressed today....
I am beautiful, god knows this! by whom he created....
I once was scared with fear and hate....
After all I went though, I am still here....
I love me today,
and now more than ever....
I did my time running, hiding, and depriving myself....
I once thought of what others thought?...
Family, wife, kids, community, and people....
I walk with my head up high and my heart intact....
Forgive those who tresspass against me....
Most of all, forgive myself for the hell, I put myself through....
Being a women is one of the greatest gifts~ I have!
Thank you God for this gift, you have givin me!...
I love you all for everything....
"All My Relations n Love"
Eileen Julie Victoria Amber~Lynn/Ernest Ronald Chester jr
2-Spirited or Twin Spiritedxoxoxox :)

[eileen1969]

:confused: How does a girl get into chat here ;) I treid a few times thus far! and omg :D

[eileen1969]

It was last year when I set myself free with my family! and it was not easy for me. I think about just how messed up my family is and how I fit in my fam.
I was judged by the whole family and my mom inparticular~ a few times she called me "friut-loop" and fag....even with my younger brothers sadness of thier judgements they cast upon themselves. To make a long story short about my fam. Last weekend I was with my mom and my brother~ my mom got me a few girl things for the very 1st time! She got me tommy girl perfume, foundation, and a sweet n sexy bracelet that I am treasuring right now~as I have it on right now! I keep in mind that my fam does change into a lot of thier own stuff! but this a one step at a time! No leaps n bounds but its a start coming from my own mother and how sweet I feel! that at least she is trying to love me for who I am not what I wear...her son/daughter! my gift of being "twin-spirited" all my relations n all my love! Eileenxxx69dotcom

[Natalie x]

As you say, Eileen, one step at a time. It's good news about your mum coming round. Let's hope that the others will see sense in time. Your sisters here will always help if we can. Stay strong and know that god is with you.

Love, Natalie

[Julie]

After being thrust into the 'outed' environment and seeing the reactions of people who once had no reservations about calling me or socializing with me I wondered what changed in me to make them so distant. Nothing!

What they couldn't see is God made me this way, this wasn't my choice. So when I'm asked why I 'chose' this lifestyle I remind them God made me this way and God don't make junk. I have yet to hear a counter to that.

[Stephenie]

Glad to hear that your mom is coming around. Hope things go better with the rest of the family.

[Paula Rae]

Hey Eileen,
Hang in there Fruit Loop. Your families loss is our gain.

Hey Julie M
"God made me this way and God don't make junk."
What a great response! Where did you get it? Can I use it?

Ricki B

[emmicd]

You truly speak from your heart and I certainly can empathize with you. You are going through that period of self discovery and coming to terms with what makes you truly special. I'm also happy for you in that your mom is starting to accept your femme side and recognizes your desire for feminine expression. I hope you're in good health after reading about all your health concerns.

I wish you all the best and keep that little girl within close to you. That is what makes you special.

Emmi

[eileen1969]

I am truly grateful for all of you! I have encountered yet another challenge of who I am and becoming. I have discussed my identity with a social worker and this primarly has to do with my kids. I have disclosed that I am "Two-spirited" and that I want to share this with my kids. I love my kids with all my heart and everything I am~as any parent would. A part of me really wanted my kids to know who I am in thier lives. I know that eventually they will know and that not even social workers can hide me! I do see my kids as much as I possibly can. I am angry of the fact that they say "its not the best time for them....." I wish I knew what to do right now because at this piont it feels like I am powerless. I know "God knows" what I go through with whom he created and I pray I can perservere through even this as personal as it is!
I have to let this out~ I have kept things like this fester and be painful for me in the past....That led me to my addictions-like I don't have enough to deal with!- "This too shall pass~ I know that I do not have to drink because of this...a growing part of me is happening right now and its not the greatest feeling in the world! but hey~drugs kill~feeling's don't~ a deep sigh within. :( :confused: :chained: God help me.

[DonnaT]

Eileen, some people just don't understand that kids adapt rather well, and it will be better for them and you for them to know what changes you are going through now rather than 5 years from now.

Good luck with your kids.

[Stephenie]

Well you are ready know that drugs and drink arn't the answer. Hang in there and the Lord will hold you up.

Hug