Facing the issues

[Kate Simmons]

I've been quite busy this past week with my own mental dynamics. I've kept saying it's totally my choice to be who I want to be but is it? Kind of reminds me of the old TV show "Who's the boss?" with Judith Light and Tony Danza, who is really in charge here? It's not quite as easy as it may sound.

What I've discovered is that my mental model is set up like a kind of multi level marketing system with many insidious inserts or "triggers" on each tier level to make things seem more appealing when issues come up. These "triggers" tend to want to lead me down the garden path to a place where I can say: "calgon take me away" and the issues seem to fade away. They don't really vanish but get put on the side in favor of the more palatable femme stuff. The euphoria seems to out weigh the problems and so it goes.

So, you may say why not just enjoy the feelings and go with the flow? Easy enough to do and certainly enjoyable but the point is how can I really say this is totally my choice unless I face and address the reality? This is where really being true to myself comes in because what I am dealing with here is someone who knows me like a book and knows my every move--myself. Smoke and mirrors,however, cannot hold up to real integration of feelings that has a solid foundation.

This is one reason I worked so hard on amalgamation because the duality was divisive and the male and female personas tended to lock horns and work against one another and I was making no real headway with that situation. So, what's the point? Is it worth all of the effort and all of the seeming struggle? It is to me because at the end of the day I know I have really been true to myself and my integrity is intact and that is the way I will know that what I choose to do is totally my choice.:)

[Nicki B]

I've kept saying it's totally my choice to be who I want to be but is it?

There's a multi-billion dollar industry out there, dedicated to making sure it isn't? ;)

[Kate Simmons]

I know Nicki but I thrive on being a thorn in the side to the "system" in more ways than one.:heehee:

[Nicki B]

So, why do your two sides 'lock horns'? :strugglin

I see you now as just one person - surely as we (homo sapiens) all are, a mix of both masculine and feminine characteristics?

[Kate Simmons]

It's kind of hard to explain unless one is as deeply into it as I was Nicki. Prior to becoming Ericka, I was Victoria. Being her dominated my every thought, not always to my benefit and she wanted no part of my Richard side at all and was totally self centered and selfish.Because of this, I lost my family. I broke away from that and became Ericka, who was on her way to becoming a balanced person when I joined the Forum. Coming here actually helped me to see things more clearly and things moved forward in a positive direction from there. This gave me appreciation for the true blend that we all are and I embraced that and appreciate it. Hopefully,telling what happened to me will help to prevent it from happening to others. In any case, I'm a much happerier person now that I've integrated all of my feelings and feel good about finally being me.:)

[Nicki B]

So... How do you define the reality now?

[Kate Simmons]

I've realized I'm really Rich and use the Salandra construct as my support system when dealing with all of the feelings.:)

[Lesley Ann]

Let me say at the onset, I am not qualified to give you adivce, I write as someone who has lived some sixty-six years, and has been crossdressing for just over one year. So here is my advice............................
I wish you all the love in the world,
Lesley Ann.

[docrobbysherry]

Let me say at the onset, I am not qualified to give you adivce, I write as someone who has lived some sixty-six years, and has been crossdressing for just over one year. So here is my advice............................
I wish you all the love in the world,
Lesley Ann.

Ditto!

[harmony]

soft and round-hard and straight-your intellect interprets your feelings(where we use only about 8% of capacity)-the head and the heart-does the heart penetrate your head?this balancing act is the task of our time!!as a male reaching out to our female side helps.let the head go and let the heart speak on its own without interpretation and let the harmony grow somewhere in the middle.

[melissacd]

It is interesting how we spend a lifetime trying to get back to the state that we were in when we were little children. In those early days we just were.

We grow up in a society that immediately puts us into this box or that box, this category or that category. If we were just allowed to be, to develop naturally without someone forcing us down a particular path there would be no need to re-integrate. We would be whole and complete and express ourselves and our feelings very naturally.

I do understand what you are saying Salandra because I am going through that process as well, realizing that these different parts of me are really just me. There is no need, other than what we believe society expects of us, to keep them separated, we just need to learn how to be ourselves, give ourselves the freedom to be who we really are and get out of our own way.

Huggs
Melissa