What am I feeling?

[JennaDesire]

Not sure how to word this, so I will give it a try. I am sure that many of you girls have felt like I am feeling right now. I love crossdressing and have been doing it for many years. I have finally reached a point where I am starting to get the "look" down better. However, I am very limited as to how often I can bring Jenna into my life due to the fact that I am married to a girl that is completely against what I do. I have accepted this and keep my dressing completely private. While this was fine for a while, it is starting to get a little complicated. I want to bring Jenna into the world. Knowing that the only way I can do this is to risk my marriage(having 3 kids further complicates this), frustrates me. I want so bad to go out in the world and spend some time in public as Jenna, it hurts! When I am Jenna I am completely at peace, but limiting her to 2 or 3 hours a month in my basement is not fair. She needs to break out! I spend my time trying to figure out ways to get out as Jenna without the wife knowing. I hit a dead end every time. I even find myself fantasizing how it would feel to have a romantic interlude with a beatiful cd. I have never had a moment like that. Basically what I am trying to find out is what I feel and what road it is leading me down. I feel that I am falling more and more into the world of crossdressing as the days pass. Does this all make sense to anybody?

[Joy Carter]

Been there girlfriend. How we suffer for our desires. But whats more important in life ? You can't get the SO to even talk can you ? I never got out until I was in my mid fifties. I have no answers for you other than I wish you peace.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I think I understand being I am in a similar situation. For me I take a day off while the house is empty and go out.

[TGMarla]

Look up a local CD club, and go there. Many guys do this, and dress once they get there. They spend a few hours en femme with each other, change back, and go home. I don't advocate lying to your wife and family, but surely you can make some excuse. Just a suggestion.

[Chari]

Jenna, I absolutely understand your feeling of frustration not being able to dress when ever you have the desire! Having to sneek around or hide your femme feelings can create a lot of inside anger and happens to many of us. Have you thought about "underdressing"? Perhaps your wife could take the kids out for a day and allow Jenna to "breakout". If your budget will allow, check into a motel once a month and become Jenna. A few hours is better than none. Your CD feelings will not go away, perhaps at times be somewhat surpressed, but will always be waiting to emerge again. Don't give up!

Hugs2U, Chari

[JoAnnDallas]

I truely feel what your feeling. Wife and I have been married for over 25 years and the Pink fog hit me back in 2005 and I started going out in the public fully dressed as JoAnn. By Jan 2007, I had gone to a CD convention, joined Tri-Ess and felt Miserable because I could not dress more often. I finially told my wife. I walked around scared for a few days as she mulled over everything. We came to a compromise at first. She did not want to see me fully dressed or pictures, I could go to my Tri-Ess meetings and I could have a Saturday afternoon to be my girl self. In the early winter of 2007, she caught me wearing her long robe one cold morning. On Christmas eve, she took me to Macy's, helped me pick out a Pink robe, Pink Satin PJ's, and Pink fuzzy slippers. So now each morning as I make breakfest for myself, make my lunch and watch the news, I am dressed. She has now taken the attitude that as long as I don't wear a wig and/or makeup she is fine with what I am wearing. Guess as long as I have a male head, she is OK. Now on my Tri-Ess meeting nights, I get dressed but do my makeup and wig sitting in the SUV before I back out of the garage.
The real hard part was telling her. Yes it can go bad and I have some CD friends where it did go bad. If you can compromise with your wife then as time goes on, you may be able to add more to it.

[melissacd]

Jenna,

This is something that won't go away. So long as you have to tuck it away in a little corner the desires will grow and could become quite obsessive. These are the building blocks of creating a wall between you and your spouse and could ultimately lead to the end of your relationship.

What you need to do is communicate with your wife about your feelings, educate your wife on what cross dressing means to you, open up to your wife about her feelings and come to an understanding. Cross dressing will most likely not go away in your life and unless you can work through this with her it will become a bigger problem in your lives.

You may not be able to reach a compromise solution that both you and she can live with and you may end up having to end the relationship, that is the risk that we all take in being our true selves. On the other hand you may reach a level of understanding, a way of dealing with this that works and it may deepen your relationship with her.

Life is very unpredictable when it comes to how others will respond, however, it is very predictable in terms of how avoiding your feelings on all of this will erode your soul day by day, second by second.

Huggs
Melissa

[ReineD]

Most GGs know nothing about CDing until they are exposed to it, nor do they understand how integral it is to the psyche. Is your wife relying on the stereotypical views adopted by society? Would you consider finding some online resources for her to read or some books? Maybe more senior forum members here can suggest appropriate materials.

My bf sent me this link when he first told me about the CDing, although I am not sure how up to date the information is. But, it's a start!

Tri-ess (http://www.tri-ess.org/cd01.html)

Good luck! :hugs:

[Maria2004]

I want so bad to go out in the world and spend some time in public as Jenna, it hurts!.........

..........Does this all make sense to anybody?

Of course it makes sense. Your on a well trodden path in circumstances all to familiar to some of us. When I had reached that point, I used to do a mental exercise that would temporarily sooth all of the negative emotions I was struggling with. One of the main malls in my town is next to the airport, with vast stretches of unused parking area next to it. I would daydream in detail, getting dressed, driving to that spot and get out of my car, light a cigarette and just stand there, feeling the sun and wind on my skin, hearing the birds and wind in the trees and cars and planes, get so deep into it that I could "feel" it.

After coming out, though no longer necessary, I went and did it and looked back on how far I had come from that time.
I wish you peace and hope you will find your own way some day to work this out in your relationships. :hugs:

[Ana5551]

Every one of us can give you advice, but you need to decide first and foremost what is most important to you. Once you decide that, everything else will become clear. Good luck, it is not going to be an easy road.

[Kate Simmons]

Melissa is right on the money. You are beginning to explore your feelings and have the need to express them. How you proceed is very important, especially if you value your relationship. So many of us are excited and scared about the feelings at the same time. Where will they lead? What does it mean? How will this affect my life? These are questions only we, personally, can answer. Without raw data to evaluate them it can be difficult however because everything looks good on "paper". It can become a confusing conundrum because, on the one hand we want to do what is right, on the other hand we have these powerful feelings that demand recognition. Prioratizing is never easy with this and we will make mistakes, I've made a lot of whoppers to get to where I am now.

Whatever you do has to be totally your decision based on your own resolve, otherwise we tend to be scattered hither and thither by the wind. In short, what we put into it is what we get out but it is totally and purely based on feelings that only you can process and resolve.:)

[JennaDesire]

Thanks for the responses. I think what I am fighting now is how far this is going to go. Will it end my marriage? Or will there be an acceptance eventually? I do not know what I will do if it comes to an ultimatum from my wife. She has already told me to stop or get out. At the moment she does not think I am dressing. This makes me feel guilty because I am living the secret life doing something that she is completely against. I have been to a therapist, but there is no answer. As all of you girls know crossdressing is a part of us that will never go away. I want to be accepted for who I am, not what people perceive me to be. I want the world to meet Jenna!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of love all of my best friends!!!!

[Celeste]

You say she's completely against it,she may feel it's stealing you from the family or that it is a selfish endeavor on your part and with the children needing quality time from a dad she could be really scared of what the outcome may be,whether your in or out.It seems like Jenna is in check mate until you start working on relieving some of your wife's tensions about cding.

[Farrah]

I have the same dillema. I've been going through ways I can bring Farrah to the public. My wife and I discussed 2 separate outings. One by myself and she stay with the kids and the next vice versa. I figured this would be the perfect time to dress. I know this is only once, but I figured I'd suggest we do every so often to give us both a get away. She agreed to, when we're going to do it? I don't know yet.

[Dalece]

Jenna I'm going thru this right now. Wife found out very sneekly. And fighting against somethings Have to read my Post SO KNows. I know what you are going thru. I dress once a week I go to a gay lebian friendly bar near me I can dress there they have a back room for this. And I'm excepted as one of the girls this does me well. And I feel more myself happier at peace contented. Now that I'm out of the closet I don;t hide it. I don't know much more to say but we are all here for you. :love:

[ReineD]

I have accepted this and keep my dressing completely private ... I spend my time trying to figure out ways to get out as Jenna without the wife knowing.


Or will there be an acceptance eventually? ... At the moment she does not think I am dressing.

Have you seen "Telling Your Partner"? You can find it HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1). I do not think there will be an eventual acceptance unless the two of you begin to talk.

(Shelley Preston posted the above link in "How do I tell my wife!!!" (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=79697))

I hope this helps!

[Angie G]

Yes it makes sense Jenna before my wife knew there were time I felt I needed to dress and couldn't so I know where your coming from. I thank God she understand that Angie is a part of me that I didn't ask for but love. Maybe you can get your wife some counseling to help her understand it's who you are and not something you just like to do. :hugs:
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

The more I am free to dress, the less I want to.

The less I am free to dress, the more I want to.

[Laurelanne]

i do i do understand and probably others ive been there done that got the bloody t shirt thankfully me newer so is very supportive not up to 100% but real close. Its tough i know with kids mine and others situations too I can personally vouch for your feelings and relate luckily when i was hindered i travelled alot i mean alot so i got the cance to be ME more often but when I was home it was frustrating so keep your chin up chest out and try your best maybe just maybe you can say your piec to you SO sooner than later. Our best is with you:daydreaming:

[Carly D.]

I don't know how to respond to this, I am not married.. but I do know a little about how it feels to tell someone that I cared about.. I was talking to a girl on line and we were really getting along and then one day out of the blue I decide to share the fact that I crossdress with her.. how it came out was that she thought she wanted to see if there was anything about her that would turn me off of her and vice versa.. she told me some things about her and then asked me if there was anything that might turn her off.. and I wasn't going to tell her because I felt like we weren't far enough along for me to feel I could trust her with this kind of information, however with the right prodding I gave in and told her about one time I was shaving my private area and decided to shave my legs as well.. I told her there was a reason I wanted my legs shaved and that was because I wanted to know how it felt when my legs were shaved bare to wear pantyhose.. and that I not only like to wear pantyhose that I also wore high heels and a dresses and skirts and that I in fact liked and still do like to crossdress.. she asked me how much I dress and I told he completely head to toe with the occasional makeup (lipstck) and perfume.. nine yards of ten, that I tried to pass but likely didn't... she went a bit off and I knew I told her too much.. but I am glad I did rather than have Carly be a secret to her.. my point being that had you told your girlfriend prior to being married that maybe everything would have worked out better from the early stages rather then now having children involved and trying to make it work now.. it might be too late for your crossdress self to exist.... sorry....