Open letter to my CD bf-long

[lynn1969]

Hi all! I have been lurking for awhile, and have learned a lot. I am a GG who is in love w/ a closeted crossdresser. I have no one to talk to about this and I finally decided to post to get some things off my chest. Hopefully this will make me feel better, and I honestly don't want to offend anyone.

Honey,

So one day I find out about your CD, and I don't say anything to you. I admit, I was a little freaked out and didn't know if I could handle it. After I did some research on the subject, I came to the conclusion that it's really no big deal and it didn't change the fact that I want to spend my life w/ you. For weeks, I wondered on how to tell you that I knew, and under the advice of some other CD'ers I met in a chat room, I approached you in what I thought was a very loving, accepting way.

To say that it did not go well, is an understatement. Since then, the whole subject has been not been discussed. I think my confronting you helped kill our sex life.

Sometimes I want to scream at you "I know you have a lot of guilt about this, but this is not a big deal! You are normal! You are not a pervert! You are not a freak! Just let me in for god's sake!"

So here we are, a year later. I've put on about 30 lbs, and I realized recently that I am literally starving for your love, affection, and acceptance. I have been trying to lose weight, and have lost about 10 lbs, but am nowhere near where I want to be. Our sex life is non-existant, and I can't help feeling so rejected and unloved.

To be honest, the only thing that concerns me about your CDing is your attraction/fascination w/ t-girls. I don't get it, and I don't know if it is related to the CDing at all, or something else in it's own right. It is threatening to me in a couple diferent ways. One, I can't compete with that, I don't have the parts (not that I wouldn't be willing to buy them :heehee:); and two, t-girls tend to have the heavily made-up, glamorous look. I like getting made/dressed up occasionally, but day-to-day I am more of a natural look. I worry that makes me unappealing to you.

I want you to know that all your kinks are things that I would explore w/ you, and if you would only open up to me, I would fulfill all of you fantasies. I'm not a prude, do you think I've never come across these things before? Can't you see how good our life could be? I can't help but think that sharing this part of your life w/ me would bring us closer, something I so desparately need.

From what I know about you, and from what I have learned from this forum, I think your CDing is fetishized, and is more related to the sexual expierence. I could be wrong, and I do have some questions, but I want to be clear that there is no judgement on my part.

I don't know, maybe too much damage has been done, maybe there is no going back to where we once were. I think about leaving all the time, and I think you would not care. I used to feel so safe w/ you, and I used to feel truly loved by you. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I resent the fact that to open up the discussion, I would have to come to you. Dammit, I want you to come to me! I want you to make the effort! I want you to try to save this relationship! I obviously don't know what I am doing.

I want you to know that I actually had a fantasy the other day about applying your make-up, and it got me kinda hot. :o

I still love you.

[EnglishRose]

Wow. You sound like a very accepting and supportive person. I can only hope that your SO can come to realize this, and that you both can have a good talk together.

All the best :)

[docrobbysherry]

I can't possibly guess what your SO's motivation for dressing is. However, I can give u some input from my relationships, including my failed marriage.

Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.
Unless he has health or age problems that effect his physical sexual abilities.

Have u given him the letter u posted? If u haven't, I suggest that u do. U need to talk directly with him about how you feel and find out what he feels. Going back in relationships doesn't often work. Couples normally move forward and either grow together, or apart. Living with another person can be hard work! If u r feeling that way, maybe u should move out.

First, I would recommend therapy for u both. If he will not go, that may be a sign that he feels your relationship is beyond repair. U should attend therapy yourself, Lynn. It mite help u to understand what is happening and why. Best of luck to u, dear!

[melissacd]

Lynn,

This is an amazing letter! I really feel the love and compassion in your words. I feel saddened that he has a partner such as yourself who wants to share this with him, however, I can relate to how he feels.

There is a fantasy that many cross dressers have that if they found a woman, any woman, who accepted this part of who they are that they would bow down and kiss the ground that they walk on and do anything to please them and make it work. They also make all sorts of negative comments about men who walk away or screw up situations where an accepting GG is involved.

While I can understand that sentiment on the part of cross dressers because accepting GGs are hard to find, I have also learned through my own experiences that it is way more complex than someone being accepting of your cross dressing. It is also way more complex than they love you and that they have lots of common ground.

As a cross dresser who took almost 4 decades to reach a level of acceptance of my cross dressing I can relate to that sense of guilt and shame and repression that he possibly has. As a recently separated cross dresser who has experimented with women, with men and with cross dressers I can also understand how we can think that fantasies are real life and in the process do things that we later regret and that mess up good things that we have/had.

So in reading your letter I can feel the love and I can feel the pain. You love him and you want to open yourself up to all of him and he won't let you in for his own as yet undisclosed reasons.

I had the same problem with a woman I was dating over the latter half of 2007 and early 2008. It was a wonderful experience and yet a very challenging one too because I am still in the process of dealing with my own feelings on cross dressing and what that means to me in how I define myself and my life so it was difficult for me to completely open up in the way that she wanted. I kept saying to myself, am I completely crazy here, I have found a woman who is totally accepting and has lots of common ground and yet in the end somehow it would not work. I realize that there is much personal work that I need to do within myself to reach a level where I can be the person that she wanted and needed me to be for her. It is sad that it did not work out and yet it is also an important part of my growth process. I now have a better understanding of what my limits are and where I need to grow as a person.

The net net of all of this is that you need to decide what it is that you want and need in a relationship and find ways to communicate (such as this letter) these things to him. You have to get him to a place where you can either move forward or move on (as painful as that may be). I am learning that we need to be true to who we are and be very up front about that otherwise we will always be unhappy.

I was always angry and unhappy because my cross dressing was buried and my previous ex was totally unaccepting. When I found someone who was accepting I still struggled with it because I had not yet resolved my own internal conflict. I have made many bad mistakes in this past year since my ex and I split and yet hopefully it has helped me to move forward in a positive direction.

Give him this letter and make sure he understands how you feel, however, do not compromise on your own wants and needs, they are very important as well. I spent a lifetime denying who I was and what I needed from life. I have paid a huge price for that denial. My work now is to be sure that I understand my needs and live a life that is in sync with that.

Best of luck to you in your journey.

[DemonicDaughter]

Lynn,

I could have written this very letter to my ex-husband (with some minor changes of course. :) ). He loathed himself for being what he thought was "weak" or "less of a man". It destroyed our marriage in the long run and left me completely confused. I loved and fully accepted his CDing. I thought it was perfectly normal. I would have had him in dress 24/7 if I could have. But he thought differently. He also had some other problems that compounded his mental image of sex, CDing and himself.

I wish you the best of luck hun, and if you just want to talk, please feel free to PM me.

:love:
DD

[Huntress]

Lynn1969,
Methinks you have come to the right place. With so much time lost, we need to get the patient to the ER, stat. Get herm on this board. Get some advice & avoid the trolls. A Professional may need to be consulted. Don't let the love get lost. If the T-Girl thing is a offshoot of guilt: Buy a Str_p-on and whack your sweetie in the head with it. Don't hesitate and great fortune to you.

Huntress

[MsJanGG]

Your letter could not be more from the heart... continue to love him but don't lose yourself.... the loss of his physical touch would be the hardest thing for me and if he is intentionally withholding that part of himself from you then that would not be acceptable....
my biggest piece of advice for you..don't lose yourself in the process, it can't all be about him and his desires. You have to be strong enough to stand on your own and not fall apart if this doesn't work out. Keep working on yourself, keep losing the weight...it will make you feel better about yourself but it isn't all about that... hugs to you ... just remember , don't lose yourself! It is a hard road to find yourself again....

[Vicky_Scot]

Lynn hon

Your b/f is truly blessed to have a woman like you.

Believe me there are many many cd/tv out there would swap places with him in the blink of an eye.

I hope he realises how fortunate he is but what I must say is that it may be the case he want to keep his dressing to himself.

I would also be concerned about his fascination with T-Girls if it is in a sexual way.

I hope it works out but as someone say do not loose yourself trying to please him.

You sound one in a million Lynn.

Xx Vicky xX

[DanaR]

Dear Lynn,

What a lovely letter and I hope that you are able to open up some communication with your BF. Remember feelings are neither right or wrong, but the way we feel. We need to be able to communicate our feelings to each other so we can be understood.

Take care and good luck,
:D

[Ana5551]

Lynn,

It sounds like he may have another deeper issue, maybe depression and self loathing with a touch of anxiety disorder? This is one of the issues I had to overcome when I came out. I felt terrible and very guilty about what I was doing. I did see counselor to help me cope with and get over these issues, not the crossdressing. It has been an incredible help and brought me back to a high level of self acceptance, and improved my ability to communicate again with my wife. Please, don't destroy your self in this process, talk to him, show him the letter, but if there is another bigger issue for him it could very well be an unhealthy situation for you. I wish the best for both of you.

[DanaR]

Lynn,

Please, don't destroy your self in this process, talk to him, show him the letter, but if there is another bigger issue for him it could very well be an unhealthy situation for you. I wish the best for both of you.

I agree! You are the most important person in your life, remember to take care of YOU!

[RobertaFermina]

He's lucky to have you in his life, and unlucky to have whatever blocks him from "seeing you".

I hope you find each other in a happier place, and soon.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Stargirl]

I try to put myself in the same position. If I were a part time FTM crossdresser, and found myself distancing from my male partner/husband for any number of reasons, I couldn't blame the clothing. It would have to be something deeper for me. I might appreciate such a letter from him, and even love him for it, but I may still feel that we are drifting apart. I might be craving a new relationship to go with the changes within myself. I could be fearing that I am becoming boring, and need to grow away from that particular relationship, and all the "Toys" in the world couldn't fill my needs. Pink, purple, curved, or vibrating. It comes down to personal magnetism, mutual respect, and communications. Relationships have built in strengths, and weaknesses. Trying to force feelings can be a disaster. It never works. But, if you can resolve the conflict somehow, without enduring animosity, you will have achieved a great deal. I hope you have a positive outcome, no matter what, for both of you.

[Emily Ann Brown]

WOW !

I should have been so blessed with a partner who was willing to accept and work for solutions to the remaining problems. Accept my admiration for being so wonderful to her.

Now, I hope she is reading all this and slowly realizing what she is about to lose if she doesn't make the effort and open up to you.


Emily Ann

[Sandi jo]

He is a lucky man if he doesn't know it.The two of you have to sit down and talk at length about how to go futher along in your relationship.

[Mary Morgan]

Lynn, I just want to add my voice to the group and agree that you are one incredilbe woman. I wish I could tell you what the key is but like so many, I have the opposite problem, I would love to have someone like you to share this wonderful gift with. I will keep a good thought for you, and pray that your SO comes around. Thank you for your openess and thoughtfulness. Hugs, Mary

[lynn1969]

Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.
Unless he has health or age problems that effect his physical sexual abilities.

I know. I need it too. I am a very sexual person, sex has never been an issue in my past relationships.

I would gladly have sex w/ him (or her), I am the one being rejected here. What pi$$es me off about the situation is the fact that, I'm sure my weight gain is an issue for him, but we have talked about having kids, and I think to myself "when I get preggers, my body is going to change, what is your excuse then?"

I mean, I'm talking about 20 lbs at this point, not 100.

There were some minor ED issues in the beginning, and I understood what a blow that was to him and how it made it feel. So I backed off, and he stopped trying to have sex w/ me.

That's what caused the gain in the first place, I realized I was medicating myself w/ food to cover up my feelings of not being good enough, feeling rejected, unloved, and my guilt over "outing" him when he apparently didn't want to be "outed".

So, yeah, there are some other issues going on here as well.

I originally came to this site to try to understand him better, and I have gained some great insight about CDing in general. IMO, our sexual problems are intertwined w/ the whole CD thing in some way or another. I honestly think that there was an undeniable shift in our relationship from the moment I "outed" him. I think he resents me to some extent.

I want to thank you all for your support and insight. It means more to me than you can possibly know.

:love:

[MsJanGG]

I know. I need it too. I am a very sexual person, sex has never been an issue in my past relationships.

:love:

yep... seems like somewhere in my past I think I heard someone tell someone either you give it to me or I will get it elsewhere... not the best solution but he has to wake up...

[ChristineRenee]

Quite a letter there Lynn. I think that your boyfriend has one helluva girlfriend here and should make the effort to communicate with you about all of this. You deserve to be happy and to have your wants and needs met as well. I wish you both all the best.

[Selene EV]

So many times on this forum I read of women who are willing to try and work with thier husbands only to have them shut down. I just don't understand. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I would give anything to have the support and understanding that you are offering your husband. I can only say what the others before me have said. You sound like a wonderful woman. You've made quite an effort to understand and accept. If he won't open up to you then he's very foolish.

[QUOTE=docrobbysherry;1241963]
Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.

I couldn't disagree with that statement more. The intimacy in my relationship has just about disappeared. I don't blame my SO but it is what it is. I love my wife more than anything in the world despite this and would never go elsewhere to "get it".

[Emily Ann Brown]

Since we won't leave that point alone.....

Men in general are horndogs IMHO. CDs and TGs on the other hand are all over the place because of their "unique" mindset and guilt complex. I 'm currently enjoying the company of a wonderful woman, but there is no sex, and I'm not out looking for any. I was faithful prior for 39 years and had long runs of no sex because of various reasons including my guilt over dressing.

Put that on the list of "tough questions" that need to be asked and answered.


Emily Ann

[Carroll]

*WARNING* the next remark is a "just kidding" comment!!!
Thought I am married, if it doen't work out, there are a few CDing fish in our little pond here!:D

[Bev06 GG]

Have you showed this letter to your partner lynn. If so has it changed anything.
Everyone has been very quick to point out how lucky he is to have you and that goes without saying. However, you havent been particularly lucky and it certainly doesn't sound like a barrel of laughts to me. I wonder if he realises the heartache he is putting you through.

This is the kind of stuff that puts women off CDs because they are too complicated. Thankfully they are not all the same, and most have a balanced attitude to their dressing. Sounds like this CD is really struggling with an identity crisis. I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to come through this relatively unscathed which ever way it goes. You deserve a medal girl, because sure as hell I wouldn't be as patient as you have been. I'd kick his arse and ask him to leave until he'd sorted himself out. I know this sounds very callous but I've had my fair share of mixed up guys, and in the end you become as muddled and confused as they are. Unless they are willing to meet you half way there is nothing you can do for them.
Best wishes
Bev
Bev

[DanaR]

Have you showed this letter to your partner lynn. If so has it changed anything.
Everyone has been very quick to point out how lucky he is to have you and that goes without saying. However, you havent been particularly lucky and it certainly doesn't sound like a barrel of laughts to me. I wonder if he realises the heartache he is putting you through.

This is the kind of stuff that puts women off CDs because they are too complicated. Thankfully they are not all the same, and most have a balanced attitude to their dressing. Sounds like this CD is really struggling with an identity crisis. I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to come through this relatively unscathed which ever way it goes. You deserve a medal girl, because sure as hell I wouldn't be as patient as you have been. I'd kick his arse and ask him to leave until he'd sorted himself out. I know this sounds very callous but I've had my fair share of mixed up guys, and in the end you become as muddled and confused as they are. Unless they are willing to meet you half way there is nothing you can do for them.
Best wishes
Bev
Bev

Bev,

Very well said. There are many times I'm embarrassed to be male, the other times I wished I wasn't, but that is another topic.

The key that you touched on, is putting yourself in the others person's place, I think that most people don't do that. That's probably the part of walking in her shoes that most guy don't try.

[MJ]

well yes he is a very lucky man . to have a woman like you .

but you seem to be loving and an understanding person , i just wish you would not put yourself down .. you are a beautiful person .
piss on the weight-loss go get yourself some nice outfits and new heels get your hair done do your makeup and start enjoying life on your terms not his..
life is way too short i know you love him but it's a two way street

[Pandora]

Hello Lynn. I read your letter and found it touching and heartfelt and it really got to me a bit, so I'd like to respond even though I'm a newbie here and there are many with more experience and wisdom from life experiences in this forum. So far I've gotten great support from many. I'm thinking there may be two seperate issues here in your SO CDing and maybe being gay or bi curious. imo, I think there are many grey areas and you should keep in mind not all fit into some neat little category. We're all different here, with different levels of CDing and sexual orientation. The key is to be honest about what those levels are and that they may be ever changing. I took on the "am I gay?" issue very early on due to my attraction to dressing and came out feeling confident that I'm straight. If I were gay I would have struggled with it but come to terms with it and probably be very happy now. However, I didn't do the same thing with dressing until now and wish I had done this sooner. Who knows, I may have missed some great oppurtunities in relationships with GGs because I wasn't honest. In the end I don't care if the whole world looks down on my dressing as long as I can find just one GG who will accept me for who I am. If your SO has pushed you away it really makes me suspicious there may be other issues, sex-gender related or otherwise. I'm curious when you say you confronted him and it didn't go well. If you feel inclined you could elaborate on that a bit more?

I really wish the best for both of you to work through this crisis, and I think open communication is the key. Stick around here and you will find the majority of this forum is understanding, willing to listen and will offer some great advice. I know now the whole world doesn't look down on my dressing and the many wonderful people here are proof of that. It's helped me a bunch to feel better about myself.
:hugs:

[Celeste]

Lynn,you really should leave this letter out so he can see how receptive you are.I think once he reads it,you should be able to tell by his reaction how to proceed,unless it is something deeper bothering him,then he needs to share also.

[beau]

I LOVE YOU YOUR MESSAGE IS GREAT.:love::D:D

[Brynna M]

It's a good letter. You were honest and straight forward. Unfortunately I don't think there is more you can do. He has to face his own demons and hopefully he can can come to terms with his internal issues then he can meet you.

B.

[Nicole Erin]

I think I might know why he is not opening up about this -

You see, a lot of GG's [not all] of us CD's will be supportive and enjoy it, at first.

But at some point they decide they are not cool with it and will use this against her CD'ing partner. This is where the trouble starts.

So what he is probably doing is protecting himself and not letting too much of his personal feelings seep out only to have it thrown in his face later.

It is nothing you did, it is just a defense that a lot of us have had to develop. The best thing is to not push the issue. If he wants to talk about it he will come to you. We do not like to be interrogated about our CD'ing.

There is also the possibility that it is time for you two to go your separate ways.

[sarah_burst]

Just continue to be open and accepting...most of us fear our SO knowing......but if you are as accepting as you seem things will only get better....I see a much deeper more open relationship in your future :)

[Sally2005]

Thanks for the letter it seems like something my SO would do so I'll tell you what would scare me:

1. It is not a competition. Don't try to change the way you are -- it feaks me out when my wife dresses up in a way she thinks is sexy to me... It is not her and what attracts me to her is her. Looking at sexy women is more like a fantasy....it is just not the same.

2. To improve your sex life, do what you used to do that was fun. Go on a date or something to get the. Also, stress has a large influence on libido and having your wife complain about not getting it, if you can't always get it up only increases stress...and no he doesn't want to talk about it. Just tell him and show that you love him.

3. Don't give him the letter...how impersonal! If you want to improve your relqationship you have to tell him in person about what you feel. My wife wrote me a couple letters in the past and left them for me to read and to be honest, I crumpled them up and threw them out...because what she said didn't match what I knew. I had no opportunity to voice my point of view and felt insulted that she wouldn't talk to me.

4. Don't blame yourself and don't blame him for how you feel. But, don't wait for him to figure out what you need. You have to take the initiative and just tell him what you want. For example: actually say to him "hey, honey tonight I need you to show me a good time in bed"...not hints and expecting him to know what you mean.

5. Cding...he gets a certain satisfaction which until now didn't include you, so don't complicate it for him. Just tell him you are fine with it and he can choose how to include you or not.

I hope this helps you some...

[karinels]

i myself had a girlfriend, fiance actually who was as supportive and caring as you, lynn. but our stories are slightly different. she supported me in every aspect, but i didnt push her away and aviod my desires to dress, i drove her away by making her feel thats all i wanted to do, but never really talking about it. i know now that my guilt lies in deeper curiosities. i am bi curious, and your so's attraction to ts may be the same. would you share him with a guy? would you support such feelings? i myself have not been with any guy yet, but have chatted and im getting more and more curios, but i also know that its going on 4 years since ive seen my ex, and if i knew then what i know now, im sure wed be together today. if you want to explore with him, tell him, maybe surprise him by dressing him when he doesnt expect it, but whatever you do, talk to him. good luck, i hope you two can resolve your feelings and live happily together forever!!:hugs:

[Sugar]

I'd like to understand more of the scenario in regards to your "outing" her. You sound wonderful but, I'm very curious about the "outing" thing.

Sugar

[StefanieWA]

Hi Lynn, well your in you own little hell at the moment, I will let you into my world to show how things can go wrong, my wife started working away about 2 years ago, this is when I came out of the closet so as to speak, but because I did things opposite to the way that my wife wanted(I was being selfish) I told 2 GG of my situation (1 actually caught me out) this was a wedge between us and it got very nasty to the point that we were lookingat divorce mainly because she told her side of the family which was out of my control..it then forced me into telling members of my family and a few close friends why we were actually separating. After this was done it was amazing the effect it had on us both... I use to writ letters to her but they were mainly anger and frustration.... I have not written a letter in the last 12 months simply because we are talking.

I nearly lost the most important person in my life.

I would agree with those, that letters may work but then I think that maybe it wont, but which ever way you decide to go,you must look after you own well being, if you don't ,then how can you expect to look after some one elses wellbeing.

Good luck with the future

Bye the way have you ever heard of the term " Contact counselling" may work well in your situation, frying pans are not just for cooking.

Stefanie

[ania83cd]

As others have already said I think you are a really amazing person.
You have made an effort to understand your husband and you want to support him.
But we don't know what your husband thinks about his "urge" to crossdress.
He can hate himself for it because he thinks it's not normal or he might want to settle his
own feelings about this and while in the process he might not want anyone to know about him.
By confronting him and saying that you know about his secret you could have scared him away.
I'm not going to try giving you advices since I have no idea about relationships and my crossdressing
is one of those things that will always be in the way. But I think that only you and your husband can make this thing work.
I hope everything will work out eventually between you two,
Hugs Ania.

[lynn1969]

I'd like to understand more of the scenario in regards to your "outing" her. You sound wonderful but, I'm very curious about the "outing" thing.

Sugar

I think someone else asked about this.

Once I had realized that this was not a big deal to me, and after I had chatted w/ some CD'ers online to get their opinion, I decided just to let him know that I knew.

This was a while ago, but from what I remember, we had gone out to dinner, had a great time (and a couple glasses of wine), and were home sitting on the couch talking. I told him that I knew, and how I found out, and that I still loved him, it didn't change anything.

He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved.

I know now that it was a huge mistake, and should have let him come to me when he was ready.

I remember he was totally shocked, and the last thing he expected.

I still have major guilt about this.


If your SO has pushed you away it really makes me suspicious there may be other issues, sex-gender related or otherwise.

That's what I am ultimately afraid of. It makes things more complicated, doesn't it?

[DanaR]

I still have major guilt about this.

Please don't feel guilty, this is not your problem, it's his. Don't beat yourself up.

All that you can control/change is you, not someone else.

[jill s]

This maybe bad advice but you could buy a sexy outfit and tell him you want to see him in it. He might break down and get more open with you. Openness is hard for some of us who have hidden this part of us for a long time.

[Tammy298]

I'm probably off base with this, but could it just be a self confidence thing with him? I know from my own experiences and feelings from my previous marriage, that anything I wanted to do, if it didn't interest HER, wasn't going to happen. On the on the other hand, I bent over backwards to do virtually anyhing to please her. This wasn't limited to the bedroom where she was submisive, but our entire relationship. At times I felt angry and guilty, sometimes feeling used. At this time I was a closet CD,and any suggestion of wearing something of hers was strictly verboten!
That was then, but even now in a marriage with a very understanding and accepting woman I have doubts, missgivings and guilt that I'm sure came from my previous marriage. Having lived many years having things thrown up in my face, I often feel guilty about CDing even though she fully accepts, and often enjoys time we spend together when I'm dressed.
Personally, I often wish she would take a more active roll in my CDing, whether she would buy something for me to wear, or maybe lay out somethings I already have, or even come into the bedroom some evening, open my dresser drawer and say "could you wear this for me tonight?" I would feel much more assured that she's not just "putting up" with me.
:2c:

[Dena]

Hi Lynn, what's done is done. You have nothing to feel guilty about!

It sounds to me like this is less likely to be about "what else he may be doing", than what his comfort level is with his dressing. I think the first thing to do is find out where he is with his dressing. Is he feeling denial, guilt, who knows what all. It doesn't sound like he accepts it as much as you do.

Best Wishes!

[Sugar]

Lynn,

I don't think you should be carrying any guilt. You were just being open and accepting. Their should be more like you out there as far as I'm concerned.

Your SO is the one who should be dealing with the issue's of his cd'ing. Seems to me she has enough guilt and shame to carry all of us into sheer misery. Figuratively speaking.

I do hope that the two of you can work through this difficult time in your lives.

Love,

Sugar





I think someone else asked about this.

Once I had realized that this was not a big deal to me, and after I had chatted w/ some CD'ers online to get their opinion, I decided just to let him know that I knew.

This was a while ago, but from what I remember, we had gone out to dinner, had a great time (and a couple glasses of wine), and were home sitting on the couch talking. I told him that I knew, and how I found out, and that I still loved him, it didn't change anything.

He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved.

I know now that it was a huge mistake, and should have let him come to me when he was ready.

I remember he was totally shocked, and the last thing he expected.

I still have major guilt about this.

[Amanduhrob]

Lynn, first I would like to say thank you for being so understanding, and open. Women like you, and the other GG's here are extremely rare, & he's very lucky to have you in his life.

Now on to the problem...

It sounds to me like he has a deep seated guilt about his cross dressing, and in his t-girl attraction, and until he comes to accept these feelings without guilt, all you can do is be supportive of him, and hope he can open up before you reach your breaking point.

I also suggest a therapist, only I feel it would be better if he found one for himself first, and then maybe a couple's councilor after he breaks out of his guilty cycle, if needed.

[TxKimberly]

To me there is something more important than the words in your letter - it's the very fact that you bothered to write it. The fact that you spent your time to write it just screams how much you care.
Hugs from Texas,
Kim

[mylilsecret8]

IMO, our sexual problems are intertwined w/ the whole CD thing in some way or another. I honestly think that there was an undeniable shift in our relationship from the moment I "outed" him.

Your letter is wonderful and I hope s/he can appreciate it and it helps to put things on the right track again for the two of you. If things are interwined with him being "outed" I'd suggest taking it slow and gradually letting him know that you are fine with crossdressing. For example, causally mention that you think its interesting or even sexy that a male can have a feminine side or how you can understand why a guy might want to spice things up every now and then and wear something other than typical guy things. If he gets nervous or upset, reassure him that your ok with it and want to share this with him. Just be careful not to bring out all the other issues all at once or his defenses will likely go up and he'll withdraw further.

Like many others have said, you are incredible for being so supportive. Most of us CDs can only dream of having such a supportive partner. I also wish to pass along the same recognition to all the wives and girlfriends out there who are supportive!! :hugs:


Good luck!

[jennydl]

Hi Lynn,I have been thinking about how I would feel if I had been confronted/outed by my so.My first thoughts are of having my "control over my secret" stolen from me,feeling helpless and violated.I would also feel like my privacy was invaded by someone I trusted.I would also feel deep shame and embarassment as my cding has always been private and personal to myself.

Some people tend to pull away or shut down when confronted with an uncomfortable situation and pushing for comunication or forcing your needs on them will only drive them further away.Also giving them "space"will only let their feelings fester.

I don't know what your bf is feeling, or why he has shut down(only he knows)

My advice,treat your bf as a person first and a cd last.don't assume his behavior is caused by his cding.Try to rebuild your relationship with the "MAN" first.maybe an apology? Don't bring up the cding AT ALL.

If you can get back to where you were before you outed him and he hasn't opened up about his cding and it is important for you to know this side of him,try the soft approach.

for example;
ask him if he would like to share a bubble bath
ask him if he wouldn't mind paintng your toe nails.
ask him if he would do your finger nails(clear polish is a good choice for the first time)
buy some nail polish or lipstick,then say to him,look what I got today,you can try it if you like.
etc.etc.etc.
Take it slowly!

I hope this helps
Jenny

[gagirl1]

i have to say, what a letter! cd'ing is a tough thing to share with a SO. i am on the verge of doing so myself. i really do hope that the two of you can get over this barrier. the relationship will be always strengthened because of it. i glanced through the responses and got a general idea of what people think. maybe he wants to be more private about it. maybe he likes to have his own fantasies. just do not force the issue. from what it sounds like, although he dresses like a woman, he still has male pride issues. hell, who doesn't. think of it like a first date. you are trying to get to know the other person but do not want to cross any bounds. however, if you throw in that one perfect line or have that one great conversation, both parties know that things are going to turn out ok. in the past he has grown to be comfortable doing this in private. it's going to be harder for him to dress around you in the bedroom for whatever reason. i would try to define it here but honestly it's too complicated to put into a gross generalization. now, he and you must grow to be comfortable around eachother in a new way. it's nothing outrageous, just different. and just like being comfortable in front of someone else naked, he must come around to being comfortable with you, and himself/herself in this new persona. it sounds to me like you have become a little self conscious about yourself from the lack of a physical relationship. regain your womanhood! seduce him! make love to him! feel those shaved legs against yours. i truly hope everything turns out for the best. just keep telling yourself, "everything will be ok."

[robyn1114]

If I didn't know better I'd swear you're my wife

[KandisTX]

so, lynn1969 is there any update on this situation? I hope it was/is good news.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Holly]

...He basically shut down. He said it wasn't something he did all the time, just once in a while. (I think he downplayed it's importance to him). He said that he hadn't originally planned on sharing it w/ me. I remember feeling so confused because I thought he would be relieved...Lynn, from what you said above, I see only two possible reasons for his response:

He has yet to accept himself for who and what he is
He is hiding something deeper than the CDingBoth of this have absolutely NOTHING to do with your feelings. Lynn, your b/f is a person who is not a peace with her/himself. That should not put any guilt on your plate whatsoever. The letter you have written is a great tool in that it has allowed you to organize and give "voice" to your own feelings. But now I would use it as a springboard to having a meaningful dialog with your b/f. Sit down together when you both have some undisturbed time to devote and talk. But more importantly, LISTEN (that goes for him as well!).

Lynn, the bottom line is that if your b/f is not willing to face her/himself, then your relationship is crippled. If s/he is hiding/lying about things to you then the relationship may be mortally wounded. I relationship built on mistrust, selfishness, and shame of self is on a shaky foundation at best. Please let us know how things go.

[lynn1969]

Just because a few of you asked......:battingeyelashes:

nothing has changed as of yet. The idea of even discussing the lack of sex between us scares me, because I have no idea what he'll say. I kinda don't want to press him about CDing because, knowing him as I do, I think I should let him come to me in the future. I mean, he knows I know, he knows it doesn't bother me, perhaps I could hint about it after we tackle the bigger issue first.

I guess I mentioned it here b/c they seem linked in my mind, but I could be way off base, and the only way to know is to ask.

I generally am a non-confrontational person by nature, so even having this type of discussion is nerve-racking , to say the least.

The thing is I don't feel secure in this relationship anymore, so even though I know this discussion is long overdue, I'm afraid bringing it up will bring about the end of us.

My fear is my own baggage, and I know I have to get over it. Easier said than done.

Now I have to just find the right time......

[Kayla_CD]

I can't help but comment on what you've been saying Lynn. Mostly, because I think I'm a lot like your bf. And if I'm way off base just ignore me. But, this might be a tiny insight into what he's thinking.

I have a gf of about a year. I see real potential with her as someone I could be with for a very long time. When I met her and really fell for her, CDing was very far from my mind. After a number of months I found myself with a lot of time on my hands and only weekly visits with my gf. I started CDing more, I thought about it more, I started buying more clothes. It was totally sexual and private. When I'm with her I'm totally straight and as masculine as I ever get. And here's the part that I think is an insight, I don't ever want to share it with her as it would sully what I have with her. These are two very different aspects of myself that I want to be kept secret. Perhaps if I had been CDing when I met her and had it in mind from the beginning I could share it. I do realize my thinking is problematic (so is his) but I'm trying to illustrate some of the thoughts he may be thinking.

Having my two worlds meet would really throw me through a loop. The girl I bring home to Mom meeting the fetish I keep in the closet is scary. I'd like to think that if my gf found out and was as accepting as you I'd be able to embrace. But, I would definitely need her to tell me it's okay and reach out to me.

All the best,

Kayla

[Joann0830]

This is an amazing letter! I really feel the love and compassion in your words. I feel saddened that your partner does not realize he has what most CDM would love to have in their lives, such woman as yourself who wants to and is willing to share this with him. There are many cross dressers who say that if they found a woman, any woman, who would accept who they are that they would bow down and kiss the ground that they walk on and will do anything to please them and make this relatinship work.
I can understand that sentiment on the part of cross dressers because I had a Loving wife who is gone and trying to find an accepting GGs is so very hard to find, one thing she once said to me is she knew that I would never ever find a woman like her to accept this and feel somewht threatened, She was comfortable with me. Miss her dearly and hope that your S.O. realizes what he has in you. Hope that things work out for you and what you want.
Joann:sad::(

[Alayna]

Men need sex. It's like eating, drinking, and sleeping for most of us. If u r not having sex with him, he is getting it, or having it, elswhere, or on his own.

well....I see even CD's aren't above gross generalization and stereotypes!! Why don't you just say that all men can't be trusted and will cheat on their partner if given half the chance? While you're at it why don't you also say that women don't need sex at all, and just have it to indulge their men and keep them from straying?

I'm guessing that maybe "on his own" just means that he masturbates a lot which leaves some measure of doubt, but this is still an incredibly irresponsible thing to say to someone who is struggling in their relationship. Let's not feed this poor woman extra insecurities that have no basis in fact.


I hope that things work out for you Lynn. This may be of little or no consolation to you, but if they don't you can take comfort in knowing that you're trying your best. I realize I'm giving advice here without knowing any of the back story, but have you tried pointing out to him CD's who are widely accepted and respected? Maybe you could rent an Eddie Izzard DVD and watch it with him sometime.

If he's ashamed of himself and said shame is from his understanding of what is "normal" and acceptable, anything that shows alternative lifestyles and behavior in a positive and public light may plant some seeds of self-acceptance.

[melissacd]

3. Don't give him the letter...how impersonal! If you want to improve your relqationship you have to tell him in person about what you feel.

I feel that the letter has value. I agree that leaving the letter seems impersonal and that it is always better though more difficult to discuss this face to face with someone who will not discuss it, however, the good thing about the letter is that it helps guide you through a difficult discussion or can be used to set the tone. In the heat of an emotional discussion it is sometimes hard to remember the things that you want to say, so the letter is there to help you through that.

[KathrynTX]

My advice for what it's worth, talk to him. Show him your original post. It sounds like communication is an issue in your relationship. You and your SO have to communicate or your relationship's as good as dead.

[lynn1969]

I can't help but comment on what you've been saying Lynn. Mostly, because I think I'm a lot like your bf. And if I'm way off base just ignore me. But, this might be a tiny insight into what he's thinking.

I have a gf of about a year. I see real potential with her as someone I could be with for a very long time. When I met her and really fell for her, CDing was very far from my mind. After a number of months I found myself with a lot of time on my hands and only weekly visits with my gf. I started CDing more, I thought about it more, I started buying more clothes. It was totally sexual and private. When I'm with her I'm totally straight and as masculine as I ever get. And here's the part that I think is an insight, I don't ever want to share it with her as it would sully what I have with her. These are two very different aspects of myself that I want to be kept secret. Perhaps if I had been CDing when I met her and had it in mind from the beginning I could share it. I do realize my thinking is problematic (so is his) but I'm trying to illustrate some of the thoughts he may be thinking.

Having my two worlds meet would really throw me through a loop. The girl I bring home to Mom meeting the fetish I keep in the closet is scary. I'd like to think that if my gf found out and was as accepting as you I'd be able to embrace. But, I would definitely need her to tell me it's okay and reach out to me.

All the best,

Kayla

You know, Kayla, your insight really resonated w/ me. I can imagine he feels/felt the same way.

Thank you so much!

[Celeste]

Hi Lynn,After reading over the other post,I wonder ,is there a way to introduce him to this site?I also agree with the post that he may feel it was something private he didn't want to disclose or wasn't ready to at this point.I do think your letter and the points you made in it are valid in establishing a sharing relationship.If he could see that cding is just another different and fun way of expressing oneself, maybe he would open up and share.I know you can't wait forever.It's so genuine of you to give him the chance very few get.

[KimberlyS]

... nothing has changed as of yet.

Lynn, others have asked did I miss your answer? Have you shown him the letter yet? If you haven't I think you really should. You say it has been about a year and neither of you will talk or bring it up. A year is along time without closeness in a relationship. If you are not getting closer to each other you are moving apart from each other. One of you needs to do something and it does not seem he is going to.

One of the greatest fears is that of the unknown. But in most cases the fear of what might be or happen is much much greater than the reality. If you continue the same way the situation only looks worse. Do you want to try and save it before it is too late?

My wife in her great wisdom said something like the following to me a few years back at the height of our CDing issues.

"I am not sure where you are at, but from my point of view our marriage is going down hill fast. Both of us got us to this point and I do not see us fixing things. We need help or our marriage is about done. Professional help. And I already have some counselors names."

It is a long story, the counselors were Christian based and it was not easy but we got through it. Most of us are not taught any people, relationship, or communication skills. We are all flying by the seat of our pants. There is no manual. Yes there are many books out there, but just one book never completely relates to one of us.

My wifes action gave me the kick in the butt I needed to begin to deal with the issues. IMHO what was key, it was soon enough that one or both of us had not given up, and we both committed to working on things and did. The counselors that we seen helped with the relationship and communication issues we had as a couple. Most of the CDing issues we worked out our selves as we gained the communication skills. We are no where perfect and continue to struggle and work on things, but our marriage is a lot better that it ever has been in all areas.

For many the words "Marriage Counseling" seem to be bad words and only used as a last ditch effort after one says divorce. Which by that time from my experience with friends and family, one of the spouses has already given up and is already mentally out of the marriage making it a difficult challenge to recover.

[jessielee]

dear Lynn,
i join with many here in shock and dismay at her response to your supportiveness which so many of us regret not finding in our spouses.
yet it is not the first time i've seen this in my short time here.
so very puzzling, i suspect it has to do with plain old fashioned guilt.
deeply ingrained, its part of our culture especially regarding "perversions."
my dear, appreciate so much your care and sincerity. as anther put it, i lve you!" well said. i hope your sharing with your SO your heart, beginning with this letter as others wiser than i have advised you, and your willingness to go to any lengths to keep her, i pray brings her heart around.
for you are precious.
all my best and warmest wishes for you and yours,
jessie

[ConfusedHalo]

Dear Lynn,
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I too am a GG with a CDer SO, and only recently has he opened up to me, but i spent a lot of time on this site talking to people and there is fantastic support here for you. Talk to Demonik Daughter, i spent a lot of time speaking to her and she is fantastic, she helped me get my head around a lot of things.
Your SO could just be scared and ashamed, he may think that she'll scare you away, but you seem to be so understanding and loving.
The best advice i can give you is just what little i know. Try to relax, i know your heads probably in a million bits right now, but back away from him a little, take time for yourself, and talk to the people on this site, they might be able to help you understand what he can't, but always let him know that you love him.
I hope he comes round soon.

Keep your head up honey, you're in the right place :hugs:
PM if you'd like to talk
All the best
Halo x

[erickka]

Lynn, you sound like a wonderful, compassionate lady. Your b/f should wake up and smell the coffee. A lot of us here have s/o's that are the complete opposite of you. Unfortunately for us (cd er's) as a whole, society is very closed minded, and we are the "damned" people. If a lot more folks had your outlook and understanding of us, this world would surely be a better place. Good luck in resolving the issues in your relationship. Just remember , you are always amongst friends here. Erickka.