How do I tell my wife!!!

[Nicole Gurl]

I have been dressing in the closet for about the past 6 months. I have fantasized about dressing for years and I'm finally enjoying my feminine bliss. My problem is the age old issue of my wife not knowing what I'm doing. I am torn about two things. Do I tell her? What do I tell her? We have been married for 20+ years and i don't want o hurt her or seem selfish but the dressing is something I don't want to stop. ANY advice (and empathy) would be helpful.
P.S. I'm brand new to this site so hello to everyone
Nicole

[DanaR]

Hi Nicole,

I believe that your wife should know. How you tell her is the tricky part. It all depends on what kind of or how good of a relationship you have. If you have a good relationship, then maybe watching a good crossdressing movie together might break the ice. One of my favorites is “Just like a Woman”, which was released in 1992.

Whatever you do, be nice and gentle. I will probably be a very emotional time for you and your wife. I believe if you love each other, it shouldn’t really be an issue. She might have the hardest time understanding why you had this secret and didn’t tell her or what other things you haven't told her.

[Deborah Jane]

I told mine:doh:
Bad idea.. I,m in the middle of getting divorced now!!..
Still on the bright side, i can dress whenever i like now!!!

[Sharon]

If you had an option for "She didn't understand, but we fit it into our lives," I could participate.

By the way, welcome to the forum, Nicole. :)

[britney spires]

She know what how I do, but she does not approve 100%. She loves me for who I am, not what I am. She helps me shop, but everything else I have to do myself.

Hugs & Kisses

Britney

[DanaR]

I understand that there is no right answer to this question. My feeling is if this part of me is so much of an issue that my wife wouldn't want to be with me, would she be the one that I want to live the rest of my life with?

I know others that have been married for a number of years and she doesn't know. I couldn't live like that. I have gone to different conventions and been away for a week at a time. There would just be too many lies to tell.

[veronicagirl]

The true % of having an understanding wife has to be extremely small. I'm divorced, but my wife never knew anything about my other side. Now, I dress when/how I desire. I'm lucky! I knew another cd'er who's wife found out. The 43rd person she told was her divorce lawyer. He now lives about 5 states away. Good Luck!

[DanaR]

The true % of having an understanding wife has to be extremely small. I'm divorced, but my wife never knew anything about my other side. Now, I dress when/how I desire. I'm lucky! I knew another cd'er who's wife found out. The 43rd person she told was her divorce lawyer. He now lives about 5 states away. Good Luck!

What you said is a reality that everyone must consider. I couldn't live my life thinking that if I told her she is going to leave. That would be a controlling relationship.

There are a lot of complicated issues in relationships. Damn, I wish life would be easier.

[Bonnie D]

Nicole,

6 months is not a long time, the longer you wait the harder it will be and then when you do tell her or she finds out by accident the more hurt she will be. The length of time you keep this to yourself is an important factor to be considered. I think most spouses would not separate or get a divorce over this and would try to work something out whether or not they can accept it. Compromises can be made so that she never sees you dressed or discusses it or she could even help you with it within whatever parameters. The main thing here would be that she knows and that she can make her own decisions about how to handle this.

Bonnie

[Bev06 GG]

I never know what to say when people ask me this question. All I can say is that if it were me, the deceit would upset me more than the dressing. If someone really loves you then it should be unconditional, but then we hear horror stories every day dont we so I guess that isn't always the case.

I really cannot understand how if you do love your spouse that you'de allow a dress to come between you, which leads me to believe that the dress is just the excuse and there's something more deep seated than that, but then who am I to comment.

I think women who stand by there man even though they dont like the thought of him dressing up are truly in love and know the true meaning of compromise.
Bev

[KandisTX]

If you have a relationship that has good communication, it is imperative that you tell her. What I recommend is that you casually steer a "casual" conversation toward the idea of crossdressing. Now, here is where it can get tricky because she may balk at the topic, then again, she may be all over the topic. You have to guage the conversation from there and take it ONE SENTENCE at a time.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Angie G]

I tricked my wife into letting me wear one of her skirts On a really hot day. Then came the pantie then blouses Soon she put 2&2 together and how I have it all head to toe Makeup to shoes hun. It worked for me. :hugs:
Angie

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Nicole

You may want to read the link in my signature on telling your partner

[AKAMichelle]

I have been planning on telling my wife for years and never got the nerve. Got close multiple times, but always pulled back. My wife and I have set aside time tomorrow night to discuss a bunch of issues. One of them will be crossdressing. She has no idea that crossdressing is going to come up so it will be an accurate result :D

Tomorrow I will have an answer to the poll hopefully.

[donnasweetheart]

I'm a gf of a cd, I figured it out on my own than I had to tell him I knew. I'm glad I found out this way it gave me time to think and decide what I was going to do. Not sure what would have happened if he told me or if I caught him dressed. I had time to accept it and deal with it on my own and at my own pace. If I hadn't figured it out on my own than I would have wanted to be tricked like Angie G did his wife. I would have wanted to think I was part of the decision to do this. If you can save or spare your SO self esteem and feelings than that's the best way. I'm not saying lie to her because that's not the right either I'm saying make her feel like its part her that wants it too.

What ever you do just tell her. I know after my SO and I discussed it our relationship got even better. We now have a deeper trust for one another and our sex life went off the charts.

[MeraLehanga]

Speaking for myself none of the women take this kindly as they have envisiioned and finally accepted Mr. X in their minds as a person of current state. This 360 degrees turnover suddenly intentionally or by accident is way too much to go accepted unless we are of a very matured age of over 45 - 50with less acceptability chances of getting a partner, such compromises are made by them, understandably so.

So, its much, much better to let her know in the earlier stages of relationship so that she is well benefitted to make her choice. Like in my case I hadnt and lead a double life one inside closet, which is so difficult, although I wear her skirts sometime when the urge is bursting and told her this I do so because i find them comfy, and then i give my oscar winning performances of not being a CD.

Regrets if I had hurt the feelings of anyone out there.

[sarah_burst]

well sensitive subject....my ex just used it against me causing a lot of heartache and lonely moments....but my current SO accepted me right away...although she was a little weird for a while because she thinks I look better in a dress than she does...which isnt true...I wished I looked like her...but I think telling her was one of the best and most frightening moments in my life....and our relationship has only gotten stronger since then....so just weigh the situation very carefully...and it will all come to you in time.

[Jilmac]

Hi Nicole, and welcome to the forum. The question you asked is a tough one to answer because there so many mixed emotions and feelings when a spouse is told. I was in two marriages and told both women before we ever tied the knot and neither of them approved for their own various reasons. After twenty years of marriage, I hope your wife would be understanding enough to realize that the clothes you choose to wear should have no effect on your true masculinity.

My second wife passed away last August and I met a woman who I told about my dressing shortly after we started dating and she has accepted me for the man I am and is ok with my feminine side. I can only tell you my own experience, I would never try to give advise to something as sensitive as coming out to your SO. I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you post an updated thread when you finally get the courage to tell your wife. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[victoriamwilliams1]

I have been dressing in the closet for about the past 6 months. I have fantasized about dressing for years and I'm finally enjoying my feminine bliss. My problem is the age old issue of my wife not knowing what I'm doing. I am torn about two things. Do I tell her? What do I tell her? We have been married for 20+ years and i don't want o hurt her or seem selfish but the dressing is something I don't want to stop. ANY advice (and empathy) would be helpful.
P.S. I'm brand new to this site so hello to everyone
Nicole

married 12 years, stopped for a few years started back and dress almost and if not everyday and now back to dressing when I can however every month I try to get out at least 3 times or more.

We looked at a show on TG's and she stated she was glad I had no gender ID problems, :eek: Her view is she would leave me! So in simple terms I keep my fem self very hidden and she for the most part comes out to play when the house is empty, and when I feel daring while the house is sleep.

I have forgotten things in our room and the last time in the car due to the fact that she was home from work by the time I could get in and change so I changed in the field and dropped some items out my bag! :eek:

However everything we do in secret we sub consciously want to get caught even though we in or conscious do not.

[Sarah Doepner]

I waited and waited and waited to tell my wife. She found me out first and the fact that I hid it from her was worse than the dressing. Eventually that is. She had a number of questions that had to be answered first. Someone else had roughly the same experience that we did. His wife found the Crossdressers Secret Garden web page and there is a lot of good info there for wives to see.
If I had told her, I probably would have tried to spread it out over a period of time, maybe starting with my hidden feelings. Layer by layer I wanted to reveal the true nature of my feminine side. It never happened and it all came out in a burst along with all the stuff I knew she would be concerned about, like no I'm not homosexual, no, I don't want to change sex and so on and on.
No, there is no easy way, but the road gets rockier and rougher the longer you wait. Make a plan, including a lot of references she can review when she wants, hold your breath and get with it because she will find out eventually.
good luck and remember that you still love her. It's taken you years to understand and accept this, don't expect her to understand and accept it in 15 minutes or even in a week or two.

[StefanieWA]

Hi Nicole, I have been out of my home closet for close on 15months now, my wife was working away from home and we would see her for 3 days out of the fortnight.. my dressing became a real issue to the extent that I could not hide it from her anymore, I needed to tell her. so I did, it became a very rough ride for the next 6 months which almost led to divorce, after about 6 weeks of sleeping in separate beds, and then her moving to Perth to start a new career we began to talk and shared reading various books like "my husband wears my clothes" My husband Betty" and since then our relationship is stronger.

Unfortunately every situation will be differnt, and by this I mean, your approach to the subject may be differnt to others , your wife may already have some idea, she may also be open minded....

My wife and I are in our late forties, damn Im nearly fifty :D and we have been together for the last 14years, I think our relationship has had its trial by fire...

be honest and open, you may not like what you hear, but you neeed to be healthy as well.

Take care

Stefanie

[Nicole Gurl]

I want to start by saying that as a newcomer to this site, I had no idea what to expect in the way of responses and I am absolutely overwhelmed! I read each and every response and I can honestly say that I am deeply touched by the empathy and true sisterhood that all of you have in your hearts. I felt very, very alone in this situation and very guilty about my dressing and femininity before posting. But now, thanks to all of you, I can add relieved and grateful to my list of emotions.

I suppressed my desire to dress for so many years because of guilt - guilt about wanting to dress and guilt about not telling any people in my life. Now that I’m dressing, I was beginning to feel even guiltier, almost selfish. It must be my Catholic upbringing…lol. Before allowing myself to dress, it was as if I was only being half of who I really am. I don’t want to stop dressing for a multitude of reasons. I feel really good when I’m dolled up and it’s a sexual turn on for me. It is truly a big part of who I am. (I also think I’m pretty cute when I’m letting Nicole out…..lol!!!) It seems a shame not to share this important facet of me with someone else yet I’m still hedging. If not for talking to other gurls (all via the net), I think I would go nuts. Lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to dress with another gurl and to share ideas and feelings in real-time vs. the cyber world but oh God here comes the guilt again. I guess I have issues to sort out and time will be the great deciding factor in how I decide to move forward.

Thank you all for making me feel a part of this community and for making me feel better and not so alone. I think you are a great bunch of people and I for one am thankful I found all of you.:battingeyelashes:

Nicole. xxx

[slamddoger]

that one is tuff one to tale . how is your relaship whit her . so what would hapen if found out by someone elase

[Tammy298]

Welome Nicole!

I agree that sooner is better, especially if a wife might find out that you CD. Regardless of how you're doing it in the closet now, she probably find out, and even if she doesn't she will start suspecting something is up and may even think you're having an affair.

One approach that might be worth a try and should be pretty risk free, is try to feel the waters with her about CDing. An example might be, during or after lovemaking comment on how her lingerie feels (panties, slip, bra, pantyhose, silky nightgown or if you're lucky garter belt & stockings). You know, the silky smoothness against your skin. How you like how it feels and ask her what it feels like to wear fore instance, panties, rather than the cotton briefs, or whatever, you wear. If her lingerie is cotton panties and a utility type bra, well then, you'll have to take a slightly different approach. Of course unless "cotton panties and a utility type bra" are what you want to wear as a CD!
A second approach is only slightly more difficult but no riskier than the first. It involves buying her some lingerie! Yes, this involves going into the lingerie section of a department store or someplace like Victoria Secrets, picking out something tastful that even you might like to wear. But remember, it's for your wife; her tastes, colors, AND SIZE! Since Valintines day is past, you'll need an excuse unless her birthday is approaching. This excuse is the hard part of this approach. Hopefully this isn't too far out-of-character for you. If it seems a bit odd for you to come up with the idea of buying her lingerie, tell her you got the idea before Valentines day when they were talking about lingerie for wifes/GF on the radio. Some station do this these days.
Anyway, once you give her the lingerie and she tries it on, presto, you have an excuse to talk about how it feels AND ask her what it feels like wearing something so silkie!
The whole idea is try to get her to bring it up so the two of you might be able to explore it together. And yes, you might have to get a little pushy when discussing it. You may have to become a pest tslking about her lingerie.
What you don't want is to hide in the closet the next 5 or 10 years, only to be outed when you're going through a rocky time.
Good luck and keep us posted on how things turn out!

[tricia_uktv]

Nicole,

Can't do the poll because my partner was to start with accepting - even as far as to come with me when selecting my first wig and coming out with me the first couple of times. But the novelty wore off and we now go our separate ways but are still friends. You must tell her in your own time or you will be found out which would be worse. I'm guessing you don't want to stop.

Good luck

[sissystephanie]

A marriage has to be based on honesty if it is to succeed. Hiding CD activities is not being honest. Just remember, your wife married a MAN, not a woman. Be a man for her, even if you are wearing panties and a dress!!:) As my signature line says, "Girl on the outside, man underneath." Let your wife know that is how you feel. If she is not accepting, maybe your marriage wasn't meant to be. Only by being honest will you find out if there is really true love.

I told my darling dear late wife BEFORE we were married! Her response was, " did you ever go out in public as a female?" When I told her "No," she asked why. I told her that I was not very good with makeup or fixing a wig. She laughed and said, "I am pretty darn good with both of those things, so you and I will go out together as two girls!" She did and we did, many times.:love: She has been gone for 3 years and boy do I miss her.:sad: I still go out in public dressed, but without makeup or wig.:heehee:

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

[MJ]

I told mine:doh:
Bad idea.. I,m in the middle of getting divorced now!!..
Still on the bright side, i can dress whenever i like now!!!

ditto

the question is this .. how do you think your wife will react to your cding ..
how does she react to seeing stuff like this in the television ? what is her take on this ?

ps.. sissy
"She has been gone for 3 years and boy do I miss her." i am so sorry .

[Raychel]

When I first told my wife she totally popped a cork. That I lied and decieved her all that time. After we got past all that she has grown to mostly accept and makes sure that I get some time to be myself. She will regularly take the kids and go to her mothers, giving me the afternoon to dress if I so desire, and she will always call before returning home to give me time to get back in drab before the kids see me.

[DanaR]

She will regularly take the kids and go to her mothers, giving me the afternoon to dress if I so desire, and she will always call before returning home to give me time to get back in drab before the kids see me.

My wife did this for me too. It was a lot easier than the horror that I went through before when she would pull up in the car. I world have to change and scrape any makeup off before her and the kids came in the house.

[Tina]

Nicole, I think honesty is the best policy and I really agree with
Tammy in her suggestion of talking about the feel of her clothes
and so on.

But even though you have to bring it up just do so slowly and
see how she reacts. Just take it one small step at a time.

But you know her better than we do and the decision has to be
one that you are comfortable with.

Just keep in mind that after you ponder these options you will
come to the right decision.

I hope this helps,

Tina

[ReineD]

Hi Nicole

You may want to read the link in my signature on telling your partner

Telling your partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1)

Wow! I hadn't seen the above link before. I cannot add to the excellent advice and resources it offers!



I suppressed my desire to dress for so many years because of guilt - guilt about wanting to dress and guilt about not telling any people in my life. Now that I’m dressing, I was beginning to feel even guiltier, almost selfish [...

...] Lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to dress with another gurl and to share ideas and feelings in real-time vs. the cyber world but oh God here comes the guilt again.

Please try your best to overcome the feelings of guilt. It is unfortunate that we live in a society that doesn't accept this and we've been taught that it is wrong. But, it is what it is and you are who you are. Self-acceptance is one of the keys to happiness.

I also had feelings of guilt regarding a different issue. The guilt and the nature of the issue kept me in fear of being found out. So, I lived a lie for many years. I did not grow to reach my full human potential in the process. The dishonesty helped to irrevocably damage my marriage.

It may seem easier right now to seek acting out the fantasy rather than face telling your wife, but you may find in the long run, that you will have lost something even more cherished.

Welcome to the forum!
:hugs:

[TeriAnn]

I told my wife after 6 years of marriage and she was very cool with my crossdressing. She has bought several things for me even when I wasn't with her.
Unfortunately she has decided to pack her things and leave our daughter and myself behind. It had nothing to do with my crossdressing sad really but what can you do.
I had to work up the courage to tell her knowing that her reaction could go either way for me it was the good way. Good luck with your quest.

[DanaR]

Wow! I hadn't seen the above link before. I cannot add to the excellent advice and resources it offers!




Reine,

I had not seen this link or article before either. Wow! What a great article, thanks for pointing it out!

[Joann0830]

I would suggest that you do it in male mode and explain to her that this feeling is something you have lived with for as long as you can remember from childhood. Please speak gently and allow her any questions.
1. explain how long you have had these feelings
2. also explain that you are not going out to have a sex change
3. it has made you a better person in understanding many things about a female in regards to a relationship
4. you were afraid all these years because you did not know how to approach the subject with her and you can understand her feelings
5. explain that you appologize for not telling her sooner, but you believe because your love for her is very strong that now is the time you would like her to know and hope that she will be able to share this side of you.
6. again ask her if she has any questions.

I hope that will help you and please understand you probably knew all of these answers before but sometimes we need a little reassurance. Best of luck and I will have you in my prayers, BTW If you feel comfortable now to talk its because you two have a great Love for one another.Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love:J oann083

[switcheralso]

To say it fits is broad statement:brolleyes:. She is Ok with me shopping but she does mot want to see me fully dressed yet. But she is fine with me dressing alone. But I would like to find friends that dress.

[Laurelanne]

Sadly it can go 2 ways.. make the best of it and trust me it IS alot better if you have the courage to tell her..:daydreaming:

[Nicole Gurl]

I just want to say thanks again for all the time and true concern everyone put into their responses. I read every one of them. My conclusion is that I really do have to tell her about my dressing and that sooner is better than later. I will post the outcome, most likely under a new thread. I think it might be helpful to others in the same boat. :<3:
Kisses,
Nicole

[melisss2u]

and im quite sure i would be in the divorce line right after telling her

[DanaR]

and im quite sure i would be in the divorce line right after telling her

What if she walked in and found you dressed? I would rather tell her on my terms, not hers.

[melisss2u]

Usually only underdress at home unless i know wife is out of town or that i am. any clothing or shoes i do own are in a storage place

[DanaR]

Usually only underdress at home unless i know wife is out of town or that i am. any clothing or shoes i do own are in a storage place

If you underdress, wouldn't she have an opportunity to find out?

[melisss2u]

Yes she would but im not walking around the house in just panties or knee hi's
and for me i would rather take that chance that she find out then to know the ONLY outcome if i told her> To me it would be like handing her all i have and starting over and call me selfish or whatever but that is the chance i will take (and you can quote me on that) :)

[Christie ann]

I told her while dating 31 years ago and it was not received well nor is any attempts to bring it up since then. I have had a few occasions to dress while she has been away but those minutes have been few and far between.

[JoAnnDallas]

Nicole ....I have been a CDer for about 50 years now. I started when I was about 10. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. In 2005, I came to Dallas ahead of my wife to look for a new job while she stayed back in WV until the house sold. While here the urge to CD came back real strong. About a year ago, I could not stand it any longer and told her I am a CD. She was not very happy. After many hours of conversation we agreed that I could dress when she was not at home and on one Saturday afternoon a month but she did not want to see me dressed or pictures of me dressed. Then about a month ago, she was suppose to work at the library but got her times mixed up. As result we came face-to-face in the garage with me fully dressed. I am sure she had preconceived notions as to what a CD looked like dressed and etc. we sat down at the kitchen table with me fully dressed and talked for a couple of hours. Sense then she has decided that CDing was not as bad as she thought. The next weekend was my Tri-Ess meeting. I got dressed in the bathroom with her also in the house. I was going to go the back way to the garage so that she did not have to see me. Instead she was waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom. She had me do a 360, walked up and checked my makeup, and then said "Have a nice meeting".
So I voted for #1 and #4.

[bobbie_1048]

Hi Nicole. My problem was solved when my wife was going thru my stuff when she thought I was running around on her and found one fo my dresses. After telling her I wasn't running, I put the dress on for her. After seeing about six outfits, I asked her what she thought and she said I looked very nice. Now we go shopping almost every weekend. The bad thing is that I have to spend more on her than I do on myself. Oh well, the price we pay to be ourselves. All my very best to you. lotsa huggzzz,bobbie

[julie w]

be very careful there is a very good chance she will not accept if you
love her and have a good life together may be you should keep it to yourself
Mine knows I told her at the beginning of our relationship ,she wont see
me dressed , thats ok with me ,If you think she will help you and go
out with you I think you are dreaming its very
rare ,other than a women who will do anything to keep you in her life

[FlygrlChristy]

Nicole,

I'm just going to reiterate what most of the other girls here have said. Whatever you do, go slowly with her and don't let her find out on her own, like mine did. Bad move on my part. We are still together, and putting missing pieces back together.

Feel her out gently as to her feelings about this, and then decide how you need to approach this.

Above all, and I really hope this helps you out, but make her feel as if she is the most desireable woman in the entire world to you, and show her how much you really love HER, before you delve into this one. I think things might go a whole lot smoother for you.:hugs:

Christy