Confused

[CrossdressinGoth]

For about the last year or so I have been questioning many things regarding myself, my feelings, and my dressing. I have many strange feelings that Im not sure how to exactly analyze it. When dressing as Bruce, I feel that I am being forced to dress in male clothing. The thought, the feel is sickening to me. It at times feels like I am actually crossdressing as Bruce then when I dress as Britney.

I love wearing womans clothing. I feel more comfortable wearing female attire then male. I love the look, feel, and fit of womans clothing and in all honesty in the last year, I focus more on female clothing then male to purchase. It feels natural and right to wear womans clothing to me, more so then mens it seems.

Im very attracted to woman but on the flip side, I am being more and more attracted towards men too. I dont know if this would have any type of being on things but its something Ive noticed more and more over the last couple of months.

At times I feel Id love to live 24/7 as Britney and not as Bruce but somedays Im not so sure. I think I would like to follow with this but Im scared of losing my family, as much as I hate their very very closed mindedness, they will always be my family.

I just dont know what to think. Does my itching to wear womans clothing all the time and the fact that it feels more right to dress that way then as a man mean I should consider another step in my way of life with this? Its not just the clothes that make me feel this way, its the feeling I have, I feel more like I really wish I had been born female then male but right now Im just trying to work with what I have.

Sorry for the bouncing around with this but like the topic says...confused, I am very much this right now. What are your thoughts on this?

[GypsyKaren]

Confusion is normal, but do you feel drawn to the female side when you're not dressed? Being TS is something that's always there no matter what you're wearing, the clothes you have on at the time shouldn't matter. I hate to throw out the old "you need to talk to someone" routine because that can be a drawn out exercise, but you can PM me anytime if you'd like to discuss this privately.

Karen Starlene :star:

[lucya_od]

hey britney, i know what you mean i am in the same situation.. i get very very angery and upset when i am in man mode. but when i am in woman mode, i feel soooooo much happlyer, i started of as likeing woman but now i am likeing men too. i enjoy everything about being a woman. i think, act and somtimes talk like woman do. if you need to talk about anything at all. just send me a pm, and i will pm you back. i m mostly on this site every day after 6pm UK time. we are all here to help out. love you lots, and i love that pic of you. dam you look good in black. lucya, xxxxxx

[Scotty]

You'll get to a level of confidence soon, may take a year or two and then everything will seem right with the world.

For me there is a balance, I have my man side, can't stand it but have made friends with it, and I have my femme side, was afraid of it but made friends with it......

And those that know me know that I have both sides whether I've said anything or not about it, it's just my nature I guess.......

Enjoy it, try not to make any sense of it as it will come with time.

As for the men thing. I still find a sexual attraction for men and would not hesitate to try that should that experience come along, but right now it hasn't happened.

It may not happen for you but if you are thinking about it explore why and whether it's something you really want.

I think the duality of it may have some sexual implications when with a woman though.......that and the HRT both kinda kept me in a non productive state for a couple of days....it was hard to get back to appreciating a woman when I had been thinking about what it would be like with a man.

Those are issues you will face I'm sure...

[CrossdressinGoth]

Confusion is normal, but do you feel drawn to the female side when you're not dressed? Being TS is something that's always there no matter what you're wearing, the clothes you have on at the time shouldn't matter. I hate to throw out the old "you need to talk to someone" routine because that can be a drawn out exercise, but you can PM me anytime if you'd like to discuss this privately.

Karen Starlene :star:

First I would like to thank you for your support with this, also thanks Karen and Lucya for offering more private one on one support as well, it means a lot :)


Well now, do I feel drawn to the female side while in male mode? When I think about it, I do always want to be wearing female clothing, not just cause of the clothes, because I feel that its what Im meant to wear. Guys stuff is fine but it doesnt feel like it is exactly being me. Im always feeling, for the very very most part, like I should be going along with life as Britney, or at least appearing in life as Britney. I do have my days that being Bruce isnt a bad thing, but I really have a strong will it seems to be Britney.

My best friend who holds onto my stuff until I get my own place, believes that it maybe a way of releasing my wanting to dress because of the clothes, but now she is actually starting to wonder herself if it is more for me.

I look at a woman and see what she wears because Im checking them out, for the completion of outfits, makeup, shoes, not really to check them out because I find them attractive. In the last year I have purchased very minimal male clothes because I always am looking for the hottest latest pieces woman have out there because I want to be wearing that. Dressing just seems to fit my persona and I really feel as if the possibility of my inner woman in wanting to make a showing of herself.

As I have stated in another thread in the MTF section, I am coming out fully at work about my dressing by the end of this week. Regardless of how far I go with this, I just dont want to hide behind closed doors. Sadly I have to with my family because of how they are. For the time being Im not letting that interfere with me as much as possible. In the future I will come out to them if it in necessary but Im doing the best I can to not let them not be me.

I hope this can kind of give a further explanation of the question in which you asked.

[Scotty]

Think you are in a dangerous phase right now.

Coming out to people may not always be the wisest decision.
When it doubt don't do it...

If you look at womens Levi 501 jeans they are nearly identical to mens, save for being a tad wider in the hips and a few minor things - I don't even OWN a mens pair of Levi 501's and have been wearing womens for quite some time now...

It's a small thing, panties, womans tank tops and I'm 80% en-femme at work.....it gets me by...

Just be prepared for the consequences of coming out - you see it here all the time and it goes from good to ugly very fast...

Get used to it, enjoy it, get your confidence up and people will just "KNOW".....there are women that have made comments about me such as "He thinks too much like a girl", or I look like a girl.......and those are good in my opinion - but coming out could mean a loss of a job, family, friends etc..

:)

Gender therapist next?

[CrossdressinGoth]

I know that this can be a dangerous step to take at this point, or any point for that matter, but I strongly feel that "coming out" is what is needed to done. Work has many in the GLBT community working at my current job and they are very protective of the employees. I do however realize it could possible to lose my job, but its honestly a step Im prepared to take. I read many of what others post and as many ups and downs they go through, in the end they seem to find happiness with themselves. I want this and Im willing to walk the road that others before me have taken.

When I dress with my female clothing, I dont want them to "blend in" as possibly male clothing. If Im wearing female clothes I want it appeared as female clothing. Im not ashamed of my lifestyle I hide currently anymore and aside from my family, I want to come out.

The family part at this point is a bit tricky because even at the age of 22, I live with my parents. To make a long story short to refresh the situation, I was engaged for 3 years and my ex fiance cheated on me for over a year and left me for a guy that she works with. I found out she cheated on me 3 days after my uncles funeral, we talked about working things out. One night we had the most romantic night of our relationship, after we agreed to work on things and do what we can to have a happier life again. The next day I went to work, came home, her stuff was moved out and a note was left on the floor. I wasnt able to afford rent or the other bills with my only income, so i ended up having to leave the house, quit my job, and move in with my parents to start over. I didnt have anyone that could be a possible roommate to help with bills otherwise I would've tried that. So because of living with them, they are very very closed minded and I kid you not when I say, if they found out about Britney, I wouldnt have a home and have to live in my car with whatever belongings I could fit in it. My dad has already disowned a half sister because of some stupid things, this in their mind would be just as bad or worse then what she did. Im working on getting my own place so in due time, the freedom of this will be greater for me.

[Lanore]

I believe GypsyKaren said it all. No matter what you wear, if you are truely TS, the feeling is still there. I have always believed, what I wear doesn't make me who I am inside. The outer appearance is for society to draw it's own opinion, the inner is for me and that is what matters most.

Lanore

[Scotty]

I believe GypsyKaren said it all. No matter what you wear, if you are truely TS, the feeling is still there. I have always believed, what I wear doesn't make me who I am inside. The outer appearance is for society to draw it's own opinion, the inner is for me and that is what matters most.

Lanore

Agreed, it takes time to get to that point though, so those that really want/must wear something womens - that was my suggestion :)

Today is my pink day, first day of privacy LOL...

[Valeria]

Agreed, it takes time to get to that point though, so those that really want/must wear something womens - that was my suggestion :)
For some of us, clothing is just window dressing. I needed to be able to interact with society as a female. To be gendered as a woman by those around me.

It's true that a lot of women's clothing is very similar, and for some of us women's clothing even fits better (why is it people that make men's shirts assume that guys' stomachs are the size of Wisconsin, anyway?). It's extremely viable to dress primarily as female while presenting as "male". But that certainly wasn't going to be enough to alleviate my gender dysphoria, or make me happy.

Dressing down, as you suggest, isn't anywhere near enough for some of us. I don't dress much differently than you. I rarely wear skirts or overtly feminine stuff, though I do wear t-shits, sleeveless shells, jeans, etc., that are tailored to my body to make me look good. But I live as a female, and that is the external perception of me, and that's what I needed. Plus, I have the freedom to wear a cute jean skirt to school if the mood strikes me. :)

Overall though, the clothing really isn't very important for some of us. It's all about the gender.

[Scotty]

Overall though, the clothing really isn't very important for some of us. It's all about the gender.

Agreed on that for sure!!

I still like to have at least one piece of femme clothing on, lately I have not be en able to. But I know, after a couple years on HRT and 10 years understanding myself, I know I am TG and I also know that I cannot share that with too many of my close friends.
I suspect 1 woman friend and my mom both know already....

[CrossdressinGoth]

I really appreciate all the responses, this means a lot to me.

Well so many things to consider. Well, I do feel a big sense of femininity in me, dressed up or not. I notice I walk, talk, and have many female mannerisms that I use in my daily life without even thinking or knowing Im doing it until I either catch myself or someone says something to me. I do see how dressing is different then the feelings on the inside. I guess I need to think on it a bit more but as of now I would have to say that my mindset seems to follow the lines of a woman then that of a mans. Maybe seeing a gender therapist wouldn't be a bad idea?

[Elizabeth]

For about the last year or so I have been questioning many things regarding myself, my feelings, and my dressing. I have many strange feelings that Im not sure how to exactly analyze it. When dressing as Bruce, I feel that I am being forced to dress in male clothing. The thought, the feel is sickening to me. It at times feels like I am actually crossdressing as Bruce then when I dress as Britney.

I love wearing womans clothing. I feel more comfortable wearing female attire then male. I love the look, feel, and fit of womans clothing and in all honesty in the last year, I focus more on female clothing then male to purchase. It feels natural and right to wear womans clothing to me, more so then mens it seems.

Im very attracted to woman but on the flip side, I am being more and more attracted towards men too. I dont know if this would have any type of being on things but its something Ive noticed more and more over the last couple of months.

At times I feel Id love to live 24/7 as Britney and not as Bruce but somedays Im not so sure. I think I would like to follow with this but Im scared of losing my family, as much as I hate their very very closed mindedness, they will always be my family.

I just dont know what to think. Does my itching to wear womans clothing all the time and the fact that it feels more right to dress that way then as a man mean I should consider another step in my way of life with this? Its not just the clothes that make me feel this way, its the feeling I have, I feel more like I really wish I had been born female then male but right now Im just trying to work with what I have.

Sorry for the bouncing around with this but like the topic says...confused, I am very much this right now. What are your thoughts on this?

I am assume your questions are rhetorical. No one can know what is going to be best for you, other than you. I can however tell you my experience. I only crossdressed very occasionally before I came out of the closet in 2004. I wore panties and garters and stockings or pantyhose under my male clothing for years, but not in the open.

When I came out of the closet I dediced I would wear women's clothes whenever I felt like it. That was almost 4 years ago and I have not really wanted to dress like a man since. In fact I have thrown out all my mens clothes and only wear women's clothes now. I just don't see me ever wanting to present myself as male again. I hated doing it for a long as I did, it made me feel like a fraud. And while I am not the most passable Transwoman around, I prefer this to having to try to pretend to be a man.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[deja true]

Britney, I empathize entirely with your confusion.

But...I also think that, in this apparently delicate state, you should seek some counselling. The folks at your workplace seems to offer a terrific opportunity... If many at your workplace are in the LGBT community, there are probably more than a few that could point you to a sympathetic counselor or therapist with experience in gender issues.

Your need to dress femme and the stresses of your recent life experiences with fiance and family could be at the root of the rejection of your 'maleness' rather than an inborn transexuality. Or...You may actually be a mis-born woman.

But, in either case, professional help seems to be the right direction for now. It's important to clarify yourself in your own mind, to eliminate the confusion as much as you can, before making a life altering decision.

Bless you, dear one.

Take care of the one who counts the most, yourself.

respect and love,

deja

[Nicki B]

For some of us, clothing is just window dressing. I needed to be able to interact with society as a female. To be gendered as a woman by those around me.
..
Overall though, the clothing really isn't very important for some of us. It's all about the gender.

No - but clothing sends out extremely strong gender signals which may be perceived consciously, or unconsciously?

This sounds like pretty typical dysphoria to me, before it's verbalised?

[Valeria]

No - but clothing sends out extremely strong gender signals which may be perceived consciously, or unconsciously?

This sounds like pretty typical dysphoria to me, before it's verbalised?
Sure. I was just trying to say that clothing might not be enough to significantly alleviate her dysphoria.

[CrossdressinGoth]

I have often wondered if I may have some type of gender identity disorder or possibly gender dysphoria. I have looked up on the stuff before and I feel I have a lot of the characteristics that go along with them. Being in the state I'm in I really don't want to be rushing into things because I think going too fast will be more hurtful then helpful, but so can being too slow.

I'd love to have kids so I really dont see me going the surgery route. If I can, I honestly would like to dress as I feel everyday, which honestly is like a woman. I want to put on makeup, nail polish, etc. I want to look pretty and beautiful. I want to wear the stylish clothes and heels. I don't really dress to dress, I dress because its what I feel like inside and would like my outside to match. Most times I have my days I don't want to dress in womans clothes, but lately I've noticed that it has gone away a considerable amount.

I want to thank you all for your support with this. All of you are really helping me out a lot with this and I am greatly appreciated by this. It means the world to me to have people like your selfs that I can open up to and know that people are there to care and help :hugs:

[CrossdressinGoth]

Well I just wanted to say thank you girls again for all your thoughts and opinions. I today worked on setting up an appointment with a therapist. I start seeing her next week so hopefully things will go in the direction my life is meant to go, dressing or not dressing.

[Lisa Golightly]

I always felt like a girl... even when naked or dressed in boys clothes. The clothes never really bothered me that much... apart from the shoes :)

For me hormones have been great because my body has finally decided to drag it's sorry ass in time with my head... I'm still not that bothered about clothes... apart from the shoes.

Good luck with your therapist.

Lisa x