To Tell, or Not to Tell?

[Valerie Nicole]

Okay, so that isn't exactly an original title for this thread, but it gets my point across, lol. The problem is I've got this friend, who I'm starting to become very close to, and I'm getting tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Like, for example, after a trip to the mall the other day, I had to tell her I didn't buy anything, because I couldn't reveal to her what it was I had, in reality, bought. She told me about this $200 dress she bought, and there's all sorts of questions I want to ask her about it (one of which is can I try it on, lol), but obviously I can only ask her for basic stuff, as I can't let myself appear too interested in it. I also pretended to b shocked that she'd pay that for one article of clothing. My point is that I can't express myself fully when I talk to her, and I'm dying to have that freedom.

So it sounds like a very simple open-and-shut problem, right? Tell her, and all will be fine. Not true. For one thing, I've told a huge number of people, and it's beginning to come back to haunt me. Not that there have been any serious repercussions, but with each new person I tell, I run the risk of a big leak. The other thing is that she grew up in a very religious household (I won't say which religion), and I know that she has inherited a negative attitude towards homosexuality and any form of transgenderism. She has told me that she doesn't believe too strongly in those negative attitudes, and that if someone close to her were to turn out like that, she would stick by them, and it might change her attitude.

I have tested the waters a bit, and learned the following basic facts:
-she has grown up in a household which is against homosexuality and transgender things
-she has similar attitudes, but is willing to examine them critically
-she believes that being close to somebody and finding out that they're like that may help her change
-she says that she and i are "getting closer"

The reasons I want to tell her are simple. Number one, I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not anymore. Number two, I do want to educate her about us/me, and hopefully get those attitudes to change. Our conversations seem to indicate that she wants this kind of change, too.

I should add that I've known her for over a year now, and we've been getting closer over the past several months. I've asked one other friend about this, and she told me I should wait, and get a little closer. I've also consulted my tarot cards (make what you will of that, lol), and they too have suggested patience.

What do you guys think?

[Julie York]

Don't tell.

I'll tell you why......



Because you asked for an opinion!



Trust your instincts. Later maybe.

[Michelle-NC]

Valerie,

This is only something that you can truly decide for yourself...however, it is common knowledge that the one thing that bothers most of the GG's here when they find out later, is that they felt they were lied to for years. I would hate for you to wait, and then for her to find out another way, either from someone else, or catching you...and then not giving you a chance to explain.

Just my thoughts...

[DanaR]

The reasons I want to tell her are simple. Number one, I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not anymore. Number two, I do want to educate her about us/me, and hopefully get those attitudes to change. Our conversations seem to indicate that she wants this kind of change, too.

I should add that I've known her for over a year now, and we've been getting closer over the past several months. I've asked one other friend about this, and she told me I should wait, and get a little closer. I've also consulted my tarot cards (make what you will of that, lol), and they too have suggested patience.

What do you girls think?

You've listed several good reasons to tell her. You could tell her a fictional story about a friend that was a crossdresser and what happened to her after telling.

There is no easy answer.

[Valerie Nicole]

Oh, there's one thing I thought I should mention here, because I hadn't explicitly stated it earlier. She and I are not involved, and she has a serious boyfriend. I do not have those feelings for her, so I don't really see a romantic relationship as a possibility here. We are friends, just friends.

Julie, thank you for your concise response, lol. You fit right in with the crowd on this one.

And Michelle, that's sort of my concern too. I don't want to have to hide who I am anymore.

Danar, the problem is, I've already sort of tested things in a different way by mentioning a TV special about "the crossdressing professor." If I ask too much, and seem obsessed with the issue, she might guess what's going on.

[DanaR]

Oh, there's one thing I thought I should mention here, because I hadn't explicitly stated it earlier. She and I are not involved, and she has a serious boyfriend. I do not have those feelings for her, so I don't really see a romantic relationship as a possibility here. We are friends, just friends.

Julie, thank you for your concise response, lol. You fit right in with the crowd on this one.

And Michelle, that's sort of my concern too. I don't want to have to hide who I am anymore.

In this case, I probably wouldn't tell her. I think that telling is on a need to know basis. She doesn't need to know. She might just be fishing.

[Joy Carter]

I'd not tell her, unless if this is going to be more than a friend thing. But by all means, tell her before it does get serious. :2c:

[Valerie Nicole]

In this case, I probably wouldn't tell her. I think that telling is on a need to know basis. She doesn't need to know. She might just be fishing.

She's not fishing. These issues only come up when I bring them up. And, for me, telling isn't always a need-to-know thing. It's something that I want to share with all the friends I'm close to.

[tricia_uktv]

Do you trust her?

[DanaR]

She's not fishing. These issues only come up when I bring them up. And, for me, telling isn't always a need-to-know thing. It's something that I want to share with all the friends I'm close to.

She probably all ready knows then.

[Valerie Nicole]

Do you trust her?

Yes. Well, sort of. If this doesn't spoil the friendship, then it will almost definitely not get out through her. So I trust her in that sense. But my concern is more about whether the friendship can take it, and I guess the whether or not it will get out issue is part of that.


She probably all ready knows then.

This is possible, but I doubt it. It hasn't come up often, except over the last couple days where it's come up a couple times.

[Blixa]

This is a no brainer Val. Tell her. But don't go all confessional on her, like it's some deep dark secret you are revealing. Just be fun and casual about it. "Hey that dress is about my size, mind if i borrow it sometime?" And don't worry about leaks. The more people in the know, the less you have to worry about telling the next person.

[MJ]

i say this out of love and respect.. and because i don't want you to end up like me ...


" she grew up in a very religious household "

i know you love her but this is a time bomb waiting to go off.

tell her now before this gets too serious .. can't you see the red flag

you don't have a secret anymore . she will find out sooner or later please give her a chance to see if she can deal with this .. you know she will try to change you .. and you know what will happen.. family get involved mommy daddy my bf/dh dresses like a girl !!!!
it is not fair to you or her ... and a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce

[jaina]

Tell her.
It gets the relationship started on a truthfull setting.
If she's OK with it thats great. If she isn't, do you honestly want to waste your time on the relationship?

[Valerie Nicole]

Okay, many of you seemed to have missed the part of this thread where I explained that she and I are not involved, nor will we be. She is simply a friend who I feel close to. Thanks for your responses though. The advice is good, just needs to take that fact into account.

[MJ]

Okay, many of you seemed to have missed the part of this thread where I explained that she and I are not involved, nor will we be. She is simply a friend who I feel close to. Thanks for your responses though. The advice is good, just needs to take that fact into account.


OK Well Then Tell her what have you got to lose .. nothing

[DanaR]

Let us know when you tell her, and what her reaction or response is.

Good luck!

[Angie G]

By not telling someone something your not lying. Laying eould be when you tell someone your not a crossdresser. IFshe is just a friend there is no need for her to know. :hugs:
Angie

[trannie T]

If you are not going to be in a serious relationship it is up to you who to tell. If you are getting involved in a serious relationship by all means tell the truth. This forum is loaded with sad stories from those who tried to keep their crossdressing secret for years.

[Blixa]

If she is just a friend there is no need for her to know.

We're not dealing with a highly classified secret mission here!
Just an opportunity to deepen the friendship and gain a shopping partner!

[Valerie Nicole]

By not telling someone something your not lying. Laying eould be when you tell someone your not a crossdresser.

In theory this is true, but I need to tell some white lies to cover my secret. Besides that, it really feels like deception to not let her in on this part of my life, because she is becoming such a close friend.

And thanks for the responses everyone. You're right, since there is no romantic involvement, there is no obligation to tell her. However, there is also a significantly decreased risk in telling her.

I have come to the conclusion that I should wait it out. I've been in a bit of a pink fog since my last trip to the mall, and I want to be thinking more clearly before I make a decision like this. I'd hate to lose her as a friend because my judgment was off.


We're not dealing with a highly classified secret mission here!
Just an opportunity to deepen the friendship and gain a shopping partner!

I like the way you think!

[DanaR]

Several years ago, I started taking bellydance lessons. One day I thought about coming out to my dance teacher and asked her if she was opened minded. She told me, "I have purple hair", I'm open minded. I didn't tell her then but did later at a bellydance festival. I was dressed and walked up to her and introduced myself. That was the last time I talked to her, she didn't want to have anything to do with me or have me in her class after that.

You just don't ever know.

[Celeste]

Hi Valerie,How about you do a little fishing of your own,drop a few subtle hints in questions like,"did you know many men wear make up now" or "how do you know when you've selected the right dress"?Maybe you can ask how she feels about hate crimes against tg or cd people just because they are out, or let her know the difference between tg's and cd's.I wouldn't ask all those questions at once but kind of spread out through a day.She sounds as if she may be supportive but discretion is another topic.What if you gave her a test to see how well she can keep a secret first.

While fishing, see if she gets uncomfortable with the questions, or more curious,I might feel more at ease with dropping some larger hints if she's curious and your not in a relationship.

[Valerie Nicole]

Hi Valerie,How about you do a little fishing of your own,drop a few subtle hints in questions like,"did you know many men wear make up now" or "how do you know when you've selected the right dress"?Maybe you can ask how she feels about hate crimes against tg or cd people just because they are out, or let her know the difference between tg's and cd's.I wouldn't ask all those questions at once but kind of spread out through a day.She sounds as if she may be supportive but discretion is another topic.What if you gave her a test to see how well she can keep a secret first.

While fishing, see if she gets uncomfortable with the questions, or more curious,I might feel more at ease with dropping some larger hints if she's curious and your not in a relationship.

Hmmm, that's a good idea. I might try something like that.

[Fanny]

Hi Valerie,
I think you should tell her...sooner rather than later as it will only get harder as time goes on. I also suggest that you do not make a drama of it. Focus on the lighthearted aspects of your crossdressing and how it is a part of your identity.

[Shelly67]

I think you should be very careful my friend.
You state she has a serious boyfriend , well if he were to get wind of a particular " friend of hers " would he be so understanding ? I,m sorry but you must look at the bigger picture .
I too have a fab pair of friends I,d love to out to , but in accepting the fact it may ruin the relationship , I,ve grown also to realize I wont put " on a front " and not be the real me around them anymore . Its a burden for most of us crossdressers to carry.
The truth be told , I,m actually awaiting one of them to ask me out right .
It may make for an uncomfortable air at times , but I think paitience is called upon . As you say , you,ve told a few people and its now coming back to haunt you .
I,d just be you , be happy , and be prepared if the question is asked to be honest but strong in youre answear .
You will certainly then find out how real a friendship is...................
Good luck

[switcheralso]

If you have told other people. You better tell her. She is your best friend. Of all the times when she needs to be assured that SHE is still the center of your life, this is probably going to be the most critical. Crossdressers are sometimes very narcistic I know this because I am.

If there is any possibility that this holds true for the CD whose wife has just learned of his dressing, he needs to take immediate actions to correct such tendencies. You are an 'artificial' woman while your wife is still the 'real deal' and she needs the assurance of knowing that she is still THE woman in your life. Put very simply and very frankly, "More than anything, your wife still needs to feel like a woman."

Wifes should know about there husbands' crossdressing, preferably before marriage, but certainly when a husband begin to make crossdressing a significant factor in their lives and wish to contact support groups.

A C/D should hope our spouses accept that there crossgendered side is an integral part of us that cannot be "cured" or "wished away."

http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html

Try writing her a letter and waiting 24+48 hours to give it to her. Make the letter in a way she feels she is the center of your life.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

If she is a true friend you have nothing to worry about, besides if you are a true friend to her you should be open with her about who you are. I would let her know that you have felt uncomfortable about certain things and that you want to open up to her because you value her friendship and her opinions. Oh how I wish that I would have had this chance years ago to try and develop a friendship with a girl that just might see me as another girlfriend. I would let her know that you thought her dress was wonderful and you think she looked great in it. Mention that if she ever gets tired of it you would like to try on some of her "hand me downs" since she has such good taste in clothes.

[SouthernLady]

I would tell her, what difference does it make. Either she accepts you or she doesn't. You're not married to her! Doors can either be opened or shut. Her choice.

[jessielee]

dear Valerie,
i'm with MJ and Blixa.
this is a chance to deepen what's already nice
and affords her the respect she deserves since she is already on your close side. but also agree you could test the waters one more time.
i want so much for her to respect and appreciate the real you.
as i wish i had known to reveal years ago had i but known who was struggling to awaken inside me.
in highest hopes,
please let us know.
jessie

[Valerie Nicole]

I got a bit of a positive sign today. We were already talking about somewhat personal stuff, and I asked her, without even really thinking about testing the water, "If you could know anything about me, what would it be?" Well she asked me a question of a personal nature, and I answered honestly, and she gave me an answer to the same question. She also told me that she doesn't want anyone to know her answer, and I told her of course I won't tell, just as I expect she wouldn't tell anyone any personal stuff I might choose to share.

The fact that she asked such a personal question, and was willing to answer it herself, seems to hold promise. The time when it is safe to come out to her may be drawing near, if it hasn't arrived already.

[Valerie Nicole]

Sorry to double-post, but I got my answer without coming out to her. She will not accept me. And I'm so offended by her answers that I'll probably end up writing her out of my life. Long story short, she thinks crossdressers are "fake" and trying to be something they're not. They can never be feminine, and they should stop lying to themselves. They should accept their masculinity and be happy with that. It's quite sad that there are people out there who think like this. And I refuse to keep anyone in my life who I know for a fact will not accept me for who I am.

I'm very upset by this conversation, which took place online, fortunately. It ended with her making sure I hadn't taken anything personally, as we'd been at each other's throats debating all night. I couldn't say that it had offended me, so I told her that all was fine, and that I enjoyed the debate (and I did enjoy most of it). But, in all honesty, I've never been so offended by someone's attitudes towards crossdressing than I was tonight. I wish I could change her opinion, but I have to take the safe road and not say anything to her.

I can't believe I'm actually going to lose a friend over this. It's never happened before. I could rant for hours about how this makes me feel, but I need to get to bed. I'm not sure I'll get much sleep, but I need to try.

[MJ]

Valerie i have lost many friends over this .. but i also made new friends over this . and they totally accept me . i maybe fake but i am genuine as in sincerely and honestly felt or experienced

[jaina]

Sorry to double-post, but I got my answer without coming out to her. She will not accept me. And I'm so offended by her answers that I'll probably end up writing her out of my life. Long story short, she thinks crossdressers are "fake" and trying to be something they're not. They can never be feminine, and they should stop lying to themselves. They should accept their masculinity and be happy with that. It's quite sad that there are people out there who think like this. And I refuse to keep anyone in my life who I know for a fact will not accept me for who I am.



Good thing you're taking her out of your life. All you would do is hide yourself from her anyways, she's not a friend, just a stranger you don't need.