Free yourself tell the truth

[Amy Hepker]

I have read so many threads about CDers are afraid to come out and tell the people they love. I do know this can be hard and you don't have to tell all of them, but the weight lifted off your shoulders is so great you won't believe it. This is something that is a part of you or is you. You are really only hurting yourself and others by not being yourself. You really need to release yourself from you mind prison and live your life.

I have just read a thread where a CDers just told his SO and she accepted him. Many time, not all the time this will be the reaction. But the thing is you have no Idea what kind of relief you can feel by coming clean about it. If you are holding or hiding things from your SO, they know something is going on. You really need to free Yourself and be Yourself.

If your SO really LOVEs you then they should stay with you no matter what. I had a counselor the other day explain it like this to my Lady. She told her that if I were to grow a large lump on my back or if I contracted a cancer, would she leave me. My Lady said it was not the same, but the counselor said it is the same and that if she really LOVEs me that it should not matter.

Chances are that if your SO is going to leave you when you tell them, then they were probably going to leave you when they found out someday anyway. You need to talk to them and let them know how you really feel and who you really are.

[Jamie L. Squires]

Excellent advice and the example the counselor used is a very good one and definitely true. They truly love you or they don’t. But it is still a very hard thing to do especially if you have hidden it all your life.

[Amy Hepker]

I do know what you mean, I still have not told my Sisters as of yet, although I do think they know.

[midnightblue]

Can't agree more. The sooner the truth come out, the better. By telling them early than later, you also give them a chance to decide what they are going to do with themselves and you. I only found out by accident. I can tell you. It is hurt-lying.

[Joanne f]

I am one of the lucky ones as my wife excepts it now, and it is all to easy for us lucky one`s to say yes go and tell , but this is not an ideal word and it still go`s against the grain of a lot of females so i would add a word of corrosion to those that have not told as they know their SO better than anyone (or they should) remember that a lot have lost their SO through it .





joanne

[kay_jessica]

It is a very hard thing for someone to do. Often it is easier to "lie" then be up front about it. This is because we are what we are and often fought for many year within ourselves a battle of acceptance. We tried desperately to live "normal" lives not realizing the futility of it until we are so committed to the ones we love that telling them may hurt them and our relationships with them. Having accepted ourselves we now fight a tortuous battle of lies. Wanting to tell her but not wanting to risk loosing the one we love. We fear rejection and I suppose we fear ridicule form our closest and dearest. In extremes we fear being outed by those we love with misguided aim that it might cure us.

Fortunately, my SO does know and does accept me for what I am and it was the lies that caused/causes the most grieve.

So yes try to be honest.

Hugs

Kay

[Amy Hepker]

I agree totally, it is one battle to another. The battle we have been fighting within ourselves for all these years telling ourselves it is wrong and we need to be what our bodies are, and now we have to tell the ones we LOVE that we have been living a lie all these years, BUT the lie was not to them but to ourselves. The thing is now that we have come to terms with ourselves, it is our LOVED ones that think we have been lieing to them all these years.

It maybe true that we have lied to ourselves and our LOVED ones both all these years, by not being who we really are and by not telling those we truley LOVE.

Our LOVED ones find it hard to understand why we would do this to them, when in all actuality, we did not do it to them on purpose to hurt them, but have finally come to realize that we are more than we really are on the outside. In all truth we are very special people as we can and do see things from both sides.

We are the ones who have to go through hell, because not only our LOVED ones believe we have lied to them, we have lied to ourselves for so many years. It is an on going battle to be who we are on the outside and trying to satisfy our inner needs as the people we really are.

Many of us have had to live with the thought we were wrong for being who we really are because it is not acceptable in this world.

[MJ]

Chances are that if your SO is going to leave you when you tell them, then they were probably going to leave you when they found out someday anyway. You need to talk to them and let them know how you really feel and who you really are.

this is so true we think everything is just fine . but some time the S.O feels trapped just as bad as the cd'r ..
But it's a nice prison so if no body rocks the boat it just as easy to stay ..
but give them a reason and pow ...there out of there .

the truth is sometimes it gives us a second chance at a life as long as we don't screw up again

[Roberta Llyan]

I AGREE 100% with you Amy. It is the thing called "trust." And that is what they will throw back at you if you continue to hide it from them.

[Bootsiegalore]

My wife knows and accepts me. She buys me stuff and we go out together when we can... (about 3 times a year) I have 2 boys 13 and 17 who do not know. I have always wondered about comming out... I figure "who cares" I like drag! I really don't see the problem. But I just am of the opinion that others won't see it the same, otherwise I would come out.... Just think - to dress every day!

[MsJanGG]

I think that is such great advice Amy... a woman has an intuition that is second to none and if her husband is dressing and keeping it from her I would bet you almost anything that she "knows" something is up and is wrong... and instead of letting her know what is really going on her imagination will fill in all kinds of things on her own! Most of them being far worse than her husband dressing! though I know it is so scary putting yourself out there with the possibility of rejection but as a GG and a SO I also agree that if you truly love someone you just want them happy and if dressing makes them happy then so be it!

[Shelly67]

Everyone to his / her own but I think the only person who really needs to know is youre partner , the person you live with .Personally for me , I dont think it,d be a good idea for me to come out to my parents ect , as I fear this would really hurt them . But , if I were asked I,d be honest and tell them......

[Shelly Preston]

As much as I like the idea of sharing the secret

( which i have done)

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it

Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you


So there is no perfect solution

[Deborah Jane]

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it
Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you

Thats pretty much the way it happened to me!!

[AKAMichelle]

I have read so many threads about CDers are afraid to come out and tell the people they love. I do know this can be hard and you don't have to tell all of them, but the weight lifted off your shoulders is so great you won't believe it. This is something that is a part of you or is you. You are really only hurting yourself and others by not being yourself. You really need to release yourself from you mind prison and live your life.

Amen Sister

My wife and I have a lot of other issues but the crossdressing one is now pushed to the bottom of the list. It may not be over but it does allow us to concentrate on the other problems.

[shirley1]

is it possible that one of the reasons some so's wont accept it is caus they are worried about how it will reflect on them ? ie what will the neighbours/friends think of me being married to a cder - its amazing how few people seem to care about whether anyone crossdresses unless they are a close family relative or friend - when my mom caught me dressed as a teenager and threatened me within an inch of my life - but some years later when she worked in a store and had to serve a regular cder she had nothing but admiration for them being themselves ! strange how people can have double standards

[sissystephanie]

As much as I like the idea of sharing the secret

( which i have done)

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it


So there is no perfect solution

I believe the perfect solution is to be honest from the very start of the relationship.


Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you

That is not true love! Not if there was honesty from the beginning. Of course, if secrets were kept for some time then there really never was true love. If you love your wife, or SO, you don't keep secrets from her, and you don't expect her to keep secrets from you.

What if your wife or SO developed MS and required 24 hour care. Would you love her so much that you would abandon her because it was so much work? And don't tell me it is not the same thing! It is exactly the same thing in a different context. Marriage is give and take, from both parties. It is also all about honesty and trust. That is why my first sentence is so important. Honesty from the very start of the relationship is always best.

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

[Deborah Jane]

I believe the perfect solution is to be honest from the very start of the relationship.
That is why my first sentence is so important. Honesty from the very start of the relationship is always best.

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

In my particular case when i got married i hadn,t c/ded in the time i,d known my wife..I thought i was "cured" and didn,t tell her because i thought i wouldn,t ever dress up ever again. By the time i realised i wanted to dress again we,d been married for over 10 years and had children.
When i did eventually tell her it was on the advice of a therapist after i,d attempted suicide over other issues from my past. Also having discovered dressing made me feel calmer and more able to deal with the issues from my past i thought it was a good idea.
When i eventually told my wife i thought she had realised anyway [i left little clues]

I doubt i,m the only one here who never said anything earlier in the relationship because they thought they would never dress again!!

[Joanne08]

In my particular case when i got married i hadn,t c/ded in the time i,d known my wife..I thought i was "cured" and didn,t tell her because i thought i wouldn,t ever dress up ever again. By the time i realised i wanted to dress again we,d been married for over 10 years and had children.
When i did eventually tell her it was on the advice of a therapist after i,d attempted suicide over other issues from my past. Also having discovered dressing made me feel calmer and more able to deal with the issues from my past i thought it was a good idea.
When i eventually told my wife i thought she had realised anyway [i left little clues]

I doubt i,m the only one here who never said anything earlier in the relationship because they thought they would never dress again!!

Hey Deborah Jane

This is pretty much my story (except the suicide part). I dropped a few hints and thought maybe my wife would be OK with it. I printed some information I found here about cd'ing and left it in my brief case waiting for the opportuny to give it to her. Well, she found it and confronted me when I wasn't expecting it. We had a few frank discussions about it and then things went badddd!!!! She saw a phychiatrist who told her it was a perversion and now wants me to get "cured". I had quit for several years prior to my wanting to bring it up and I thought I would be completely truthful with her about my past cd'ing but it seems to have backfired. The fact that she hates it so much has actually drove me to want to dress again. It does make me feel calmer and at peace with myself. In retrospect, had I told her before we got married, we might not have.

Jo

[Amy Hepker]

Joanne,

This is the problem we have, doctors that are out of date with the real world. We cannot be cured, but freed. We need to be ourselves or we as Deborah Jane said we will self destruct. So many lives have been ruined because of who we really are, who we cannot be, because of our outer gender has forced us to be who we are not.

Many of us will not come out because of old world thinking, that we are sick and can be cured, and should be sent away.

This forum has brought many of us to the realisation that we are not alone with our feelings, we are not alone wanting to be our true selves, we are not sick, but misunderstood by many who are to afraid to want to know us as real people.

As Shirley said, her mom did not mind others being theselves, but for her own son to be this way was not to be. Why should we be condemed for being who we really are??? Why should we suffer within our selves, to please others around us???

We are human and we have the right to be who we are inside, just as anyone else has the right to be who they are, or want to be.

[Blixa]

The feeling of living as who you really are is something that many people take quite for granted. It can be especially well appreciated when you don't even know that hiding your need for wearing women's clothes is deeply connected to a sense that something is missing in your life. Once you do know that it is related, but still keep it hidden, it's another kind of anguish perhaps even worse. So telling people should be foremost an obligation to yourself, to free yourself as Amy put it.

Btw, do we really have to lump together cancer, multiple freakin' sclerosis and the wearing of stylish outfits?

[Amy Hepker]

The real thing is here is that as a MTF, we are not wearing female clothing, we are wearing our clothes. These are the clothes we are at home in, we are really crossdressing as males to satisfy people around us who say we are male because we have the male aparatus, not taking into account who we really are inside.

This is where we are put to the test, because we are under stress to be who people say we must be and putting our real selves in the closet to be socially acceptable.

After years, the stress builds and we take it out in many ways, it is only when we finally admit to ourselves that we are someone else on the inside and that person has to come out. And when we do come out, that we can finally find happiness within ourselves and be true to others around us as well.

Our LOVED ones and friends need to understand, we have to be our inner selves, on the outside, to be the whole person we really are, to keep our sanity.

It is only when we can be our true selves that we can be totally true to others.

[Alie66]

My Wife found some of my womens clothing that I had hidden, obviously not very well (maybe sub consciously on purpose). The first thing she accused me of was of being gay, that couldn't be further form the truth. I love women as well as dressing as a women. I explained this to her and it has taken about 5 years for her to gradually accept it as long as I don't dress fully in front of her.

I have partially dressed, mainly pantyhose and shoes (sometimes a slip or skirt), a couple of times in the bedroom and this has helped her accept it to a certain extent.

As far as her shopping for me I think that is sometime down the line, but something to aim for.

Luv Alie

[Blixa]

The real thing is here is that as a MTF, we are not wearing female clothing, we are wearing our clothes.

Of course this is exactly how i understand it now. But before, i only knew that i had a thing for women's clothes. It was only after i let even just one person know about this, that i began to see them as my clothes and an expression of my true self.

[Amy Hepker]

I should not rule out the FTM people as I am sure they are going through the same thing.

[Angie G]

Good point Amy luckily my wife loves me with all her heart as I do her. I know she would rather I wasn't like this but she knows it's who I am and accepts angie as a part of me like an arm or leg. we have been married 40 years un July and she as known for only 3 years. and it has been a big relief that she knows. :hugs:
Angie

[Joann0830]

Our LOVED ones find it hard to understand why we would do this to them, when in all actuality, we did not do it to them on purpose to hurt them, but have finally come to realize that we are more than we really are on the outside. In all truth we are very special people as we can and do see things from both sides.

We are the ones who have to go through hell, because not only our LOVED ones believe we have lied to them, we have lied to ourselves for so many years. It is an on going battle to be who we are on the outside and trying to satisfy our inner needs as the people we really are.

Many of us have had to live with the thought we were wrong for being who we really are because it is not acceptable in this world.[/QUOTE]

Amy My Friend You are so on the Money. Love ya Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love:

[Amy Hepker]

We cannot help who we were supposed to be, but we have to be who we really are.

[Amy Hepker]

Sometimes we have to put everything on the line to release ourselves and be free. If our SO really LOVE us they will try to understand. Most will be to embarrassed to admit who we really are and some will feel as though if they stay with us they will be labled as gay themselves.

[Daphne7]

If you are holding or hiding things from your SO, they know something is going on. You really need to free Yourself and be Yourself.


This is very very true for me. When he asked me to marry him I knew that he didn't completely share himself with me.I chalked it up to the differences of him being an introvert and me being an extrovert. I had no idea about CDing. He stopped CDing when we hooked up. It took 6 years (2years of marriage) before he told me he used to CD and that the desire to do it again has come back.

Once he told me it was like all my suspicions about him not totally sharing himself with me were confirmed. His defenses to keep his CDing a secret from the world show up in many parts of his life. He has something to hide, and while i couldn't put my finger on what was going on I still knew that there was more to him than met the eye.

Maybe that is why i am accepting, supportive and encouraging. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders when i felt like i finally knew all of who my hubby is.

[jill s]

I have refrained from saying anything on this thread and probably shouldn't say this but the idea that one answer fits all marriages or relationships is insane. If they really love you they will..... is a line from a poster not a way to deal with a huge change in a relationship. "If you really loved me you would stop wearing dresses" That's a turn of the worm aint it !

Jill, the male bitch

[DanaR]

is it possible that one of the reasons some so's wont accept it is caus they are worried about how it will reflect on them ? ie what will the neighbours/friends think of me being married to a cder - its amazing how few people seem to care about whether anyone crossdresses unless they are a close family relative or friend - when my mom caught me dressed as a teenager and threatened me within an inch of my life - but some years later when she worked in a store and had to serve a regular cder she had nothing but admiration for them being themselves ! strange how people can have double standards


This is so true. It is different when it is someone else, not your own kid.

[Daphne7]

We are the ones who have to go through hell, because not only our LOVED ones believe we have lied to them, we have lied to ourselves for so many years.

Your loved ones can go through hell too. Regardless of a CDer not knowing themself completely the CDer has thus presented their loved ones with an incomplete person, therefore you have lied to them, either passively or actively. We all relate to other people based on their behavior and appearance. If what you present is false or incomplete than the people around you don't really know who you are and how they relate to you is not accurate. If you had presented yourself differently maybe your relationship with them wouldn't have progressed to the stage of LOVED one. When a loved one finds out/is told about who you really are the relationship needs to go back to square one and re-establish the foundation its built on.

This is hell for the CDer but it is no less a hell for the LOVED one. To find out that someone you thought you knew, someone so close to you, someone you let into your heart, someone who belongs to your closest circle- to find out that they are not who you thought they were can really send your mind for a spin.

[carmie]

yes ive already told my wife but her reply was so ive got to be a man then, no i replied i love you just as you are! i just like to dress every now and then so what about it? she said NO! if ide nown ide not married you, so since this talk ive not dressed but my heart aches to just dress again and go out with someone, even then i dont have the time.for all of you that can dress in front of there partners good luck im jelous.

[Melinda G]

I've posted this before, but I'll post it again. For every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen or so aren't. Everyone has secrets. Women especially. And since CDing is sexually driven for most of us, why the need to tell anyone. Do you tell your SO and your friends, that you masturbate, or read porn? Of course you don't. So why this great need to "come out" to someone, knowing the odds are against you. Even if your SO is somewhat accepting now, the damage may not become evident until years later, when it is used against you in a divorce, or child custody dispute. When you come out to someone, you may have this "burden" lifted from your shoulders temporarily, but pay a heavy price later. There are several posts in here, about vengeful spouses blabbing to everyone, about someone's CDing during an ugly divorce. Why leave yourself open to that. Until the world accepts crossdressing as normal behavior, you would be well advised to keep it to yourself.

[Nicole Erin]

I do not voluntarilty tell family members that I CD but if they ask I do not lie.

[Daphne7]

Why leave yourself open to that. Until the world accepts crossdressing as normal behavior, you would be well advised to keep it to yourself.

This is the type of defensiveness that comes across in people's behavior when trying to keep a secret. Just because some people are unaccepting why would you deny yourself the freedom to be yourself with the people closest to you. Find an SO and friends that accept you for the complete you. If CDing is only in the bedroom and is none of your friends business that's fine don't tell them, but it is your SO's business. Don't sell yourself short and settle for less than your happiness. There are tons of people out there, you just need to find them.

I have a different expectation about marriage. I expect my SO to share his sexual side, we're monogamous, neither of us gets to have anyone else in the bedroom. Sex, masturbation, porn and fantasies may be sensitive subjects but it doesn't mean we should not talk about them. I do tell my hubby when i masturbate, read/watch porn and we have begun to talk about fantasies. For me being married is about being in life together. I don't want to live next to my hubby, i want our lives intertwined.

[DanaR]

We had a few frank discussions about it and then things went badddd!!!! She saw a phychiatrist who told her it was a perversion and now wants me to get "cured". I had quit for several years prior to my wanting to bring it up and I thought I would be completely truthful with her about my past cd'ing but it seems to have backfired. The fact that she hates it so much has actually drove me to want to dress again. It does make me feel calmer and at peace with myself. In retrospect, had I told her before we got married, we might not have.

Jo

If you are considering telling your SO, you should talk to a counselor either first or with your SO. I suggest that this person is, one that you have picked, not one that your SO chose. They come in several different flavors, completely against crossdressing or with some other bias, doesn’t know anything about the subject (you’ll have the opportunity to teach them on your nickel), and hopefully someone that has experience dealing with this issue. Even if they don’t have experience with the issue, at least be understanding and have some compassion. If you are seeing a counselor now, pick someone else, so your SO doesn’t feel ganged up upon.

My wife and I were seeing separate counselors several years ago and she asked her counselor if she would do couples counseling. This counselor had helped my wife overcome some issues and I felt she would be good for us as well. We had about three sessions with this lady, when I realized that I was being made the center of all of the bad in our relationship. When I asked the counselor, why I was being basically attacked, and why she wasn’t neutral in the conversations. She told me that only had my wife’s best interests in mind. After we left that session, my wife and I talked about what had happened on the way home and she was surprised how her counselor had gone after me.

Before the couples counseling adventure I asked my counselor if she would do couples counseling for us, her answer was no. She felt we should get a separate counselor. I didn’t understand her rational, until later.

There are a lot of resources within the transgender community and you should be able to find one near by. Picking a counselor within the transgender community could have problems as well, they could have a bias toward you and not your SO.

I got several names of counselors from my doctor. Then I called around and asked if any of them had any experience with transgender people.

[Daphne7]

yes ive already told my wife but her reply was so ive got to be a man then, no i replied i love you just as you are! i just like to dress every now and then so what about it? she said NO! if ide nown ide not married you, so since this talk ive not dressed but my heart aches to just dress again and go out with someone, even then i dont have the time.for all of you that can dress in front of there partners good luck im jelous.


That's exactly it. If you had presented yourself differently maybe your relationship wouldn't have progressed to the stage of LOVED one. The ensuing falling-out or hardships with this person is hardly unexpected then. Maybe she will change her mind as she learns more about how CDing fits into your life and how it could affect her. But these are the situations that it seems most important to go slowly and communicate. But don't go so slowly that the CDing topic is never addressed.

[Shelly Preston]

As much as I like the idea of sharing the secret

( which i have done)

You could find the partner you are with hates it so much they get torn apart by it



So there is no perfect solution


I believe the perfect solution is to be honest from the very start of the relationship.


Eventually they realise they love you so much they have to let you go before it destroys both of you


That is not true love! Not if there was honesty from the beginning. Of course, if secrets were kept for some time then there really never was true love. If you love your wife, or SO, you don't keep secrets from her, and you don't expect her to keep secrets from you.

What if your wife or SO developed MS and required 24 hour care. Would you love her so much that you would abandon her because it was so much work? And don't tell me it is not the same thing! It is exactly the same thing in a different context. Marriage is give and take, from both parties. It is also all about honesty and trust. That is why my first sentence is so important. Honesty from the very start of the relationship is always best.

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the outside, man underneath!

Stephanie
You dont know me so you can not say it was not true love

Not everyone is sure there crossdressing will continue

I had given up crossdressing so I did not lie in any way

I saw no reason to raise a subject that was in the past

Had I know it would return I would have told my wife before marriage

So I would urge anyone else to mention it before marriage

[Amy Hepker]

Most of all,

I know it can turn bad if you tell someone you are planning to marry that you are a CDer and you may break up before the marriage, but if it was going to happen then it would anyway.

I believe that if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you should tell them the truth from day one. They just might respect you more for not lying to them then, then to go on and years down the road springing it on them.

On this same subject though, I have heard others say they did not know they were crossdressers or never crossdressed until after they got married. If this were the case then I could see it differently. I do know that most (NOT ALL) of us have been CDing since we were kids, or at least were interested in it, since we were kids.

[CD Susan]

I do not want to post the same thing again that I have done already so please go back a few threads to the one called "I messed up big time" started by Joann Dallas. Read what I wrote there to get a different perspective on this issue. CD Susan

[Amy Hepker]

I looked up the thread CD Susan talked about and this is what she wrote.

I would like to relate my personal experience with everyone here on this subject. After hiding my crossdressing from my wife for 15 years I decided I felt miserable about it and wanted to reveal this part of me to her. It was a huge mistake. Her reaction was that she was totally convinced that I must be gay to want to do this (not true). From that day on she wanted nothing to do with me. We slept in seperate bedrooms and rarely even spoke to each other. Our marriage was doomed. We stayed together only for the sake of our son who was 9 years old at the time. After 8 years of hell I filed for divorce and I was free to be myself and be happy again. So am I better off for what I experienced or not? I don't know. I think there are people that are so closed minded that they cannot deal with something like crossdressing. In my case It was the person who I truly did love and I lost her because I thought she would understand and accept this part of me. The really sad part of this is that our son had to endure growing up in a home where there was no expression of love between his parents. I don't know if he knew why this was so as we never dicussed it but I think his mother told him everthing. At least he did not reject me over this issue. Today he is grown up and has a son of his own. I can only hope that he is happy with his life, I know I am happy with mine. Every time I read about a cd having an understanding and supportive wife or SO I think how fortunate that person is and I think back to my past and tears come to my eyes. I am not saying to anyone to not ever come out to your SO but to really think of the consequences if you make the wrong decision.

I do know what you are talking about and I really feel for you. Many GGs married a Man and that is what they want. I guess they just cannot handle the thought that we maybe more than they thought. All of a sudden they feel as though they are gay being around us. We are a huge embarrassment that they cannot bear. It is just way to humiliating for them, and they will not have any part of it. This is why it is so crucial to tell the SO before you get married instead of waiting years down the road. If she is going to leave you now, then chances are real good she will leave you later when you spring it on her. We as CDers have to take the step and courage to tell these GGs. It is only fair to them if they know before they get into a relationship that you are a CDer.

[NicoleScott]

I must respectfully disagree, Amy. If you need to free yourself by coming out, that's great. But one size doesn't fit all -it doesn't work for everyone. Some will lose friends and families. Others, jobs. Not everyone feels the need to be freed. Every situation is unique and deserves careful consideration of all the aspects of coming out - not just the benefits but also the drawbacks. And not just how it affects ourselves, but others.

[Amy Hepker]

I do understand this, but if we can free ourselves from others as well as ourselves and be who we really are, we can tend to be better people than we already are. I guess this is just my opinion and open to everyone elses too.

[Sophia KT]

I've posted this before, but I'll post it again. For every wife or SO who is accepting, a dozen or so aren't. Everyone has secrets. Women especially. And since CDing is sexually driven for most of us, why the need to tell anyone. Do you tell your SO and your friends, that you masturbate, or read porn? Of course you don't. So why this great need to "come out" to someone, knowing the odds are against you. Even if your SO is somewhat accepting now, the damage may not become evident until years later, when it is used against you in a divorce, or child custody dispute. When you come out to someone, you may have this "burden" lifted from your shoulders temporarily, but pay a heavy price later. There are several posts in here, about vengeful spouses blabbing to everyone, about someone's CDing during an ugly divorce. Why leave yourself open to that. Until the world accepts crossdressing as normal behavior, you would be well advised to keep it to yourself.


I agree with you, and there is another reason for not telling people who don't need to know [I'll leave what that means to your imaginations].

I told people I know years ago. Most of them took the *%& and continue to make endless jibes whenever they get the chance. Others, who actually spoke to me about it kept going on about it, as if there was some passage to trannydom upon which I had only just embarked. All of this got on my wick.


Sophia XX

[Roberta Llyan]

I have read so many threads about CDers are afraid to come out and tell the people they love. I do know this can be hard and you don't have to tell all of them, but the weight lifted off your shoulders is so great you won't believe it. This is something that is a part of you or is you. You are really only hurting yourself and others by not being yourself. You really need to release yourself from you mind prison and live your life.

I have just read a thread where a CDers just told his SO and she accepted him. Many time, not all the time this will be the reaction. But the thing is you have no Idea what kind of relief you can feel by coming clean about it. If you are holding or hiding things from your SO, they know something is going on. You really need to free Yourself and be Yourself.

If your SO really LOVEs you then they should stay with you no matter what. I had a counselor the other day explain it like this to my Lady. She told her that if I were to grow a large lump on my back or if I contracted a cancer, would she leave me. My Lady said it was not the same, but the counselor said it is the same and that if she really LOVEs me that it should not matter.

Chances are that if your SO is going to leave you when you tell them, then they were probably going to leave you when they found out someday anyway. You need to talk to them and let them know how you really feel and who you really are.

I've found in my own personal life, Amy, that what you are saying is true about everything. Let the SO know--for when she/he learns, she/he will do what she/he would have done anyway. It works with everything.

[Amy Hepker]

I believe that those who can't accept us, are afraid of what others will say about them. They do not want to be classified as gay or weird themselves

[Ami]

I told my SO the day we met. It's been heaven since. Two & change years later! In regards to your earlier post, I completely agree that

if we can free ourselves from others as well as ourselves and be who we really are, we can tend to be better people than we already are.

Amy, I guess GMTA and GNTA (Great names think alike!)

[Amy Hepker]

I have heard from my Sister that I told about my CDing and she said our Mother told her a long time ago. That means if one sister knows all three of them knows. It is a load off my chest. My sister did say that I will always be her brother though. (Bummer) I would rather be her sister, but then again my sister fight amonst themselves all the time. You know clash of the Titans.

[Roberta Rain]

I think maybe a lot of us get married and then go for years without telling anyone because we keep telling ourselves it will eventually go away... By the time we figure out it isn't ever going to go away, we have, as someone else pointed out, told a lie to our spouses, either by omission or directly. At that point, fessing up isn't easy for us or our spouse.
-Roberta

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Since I jsut recently approached my wife with the idea of me dressing up as
a female....let me interject my 2 cents worth here...

Yeah it's nice if you want to "come out" and be open about this....a lot easier than keeping "secrets" I guess...but there's one factor that I need to adress here...it's what kind of relationship exists with your wife, girlfriend or SO in the first place that will more or less dictate one coming out and saying hey I want to cross dress.....

In my case several points exist in my relationship with my wife...one is we tell each other everything and with understanding that we will allow each other to be totally open and honest with each other...we also have agreed/shared the idea that we will always be there for each other no matter what and we'll always love each other no matter what takes place...and that includes everything!!!! (that's because of a few factors that exist in our relationship that I won't go into at the moment).

So for me it wasn't all that difficult in discussing this idea of me getting all "femmed" up....Did I expect her to respond with "Oh honey, that's a great idea"...glad you brought it up". Hell no...but I at least knew I could bring it up..after all it was the same person who 14 years ago asked me if I'd be interested in getting it on with a guy because she liked watching two guys together and we eventually experienced that little bit of abnomilty which she worked out for me....so I knew that this idea wasn't all that removed from her idea. So we had a foundation that we could work from on the crossdressing idea.

But the bottom line was this...I knew we had the type of relationship where we could bring this up and I know that I am not anywhere the average or norm here....I think I'm truly blessed by having someone like my wife...

I think most people are not as fortunate in having a mate like mine....
I also wanted to be open and honest with her not only because honest is one of the cornerstones of our relationship, but because I knew that in order to fully experience what I wanted to experience, I need to have her imput and help....and that was a key point....and she's done it so far...helped me shop for some items...make up shoes cloths and such, have done my toenails for me....and working on a few more items at this time as well.

Is this "the better way"? in as having your partner inolved and aware of yoru desires? Sure is....but is it going to be that way with everyone's partner????? LOL probably not....it's probably going to be a lot less frequent than we'd like or hope for....

So before you try to lift this load and "come out" you need to assess the situation and your relationship and your general attitude of your partner before you ask unless of course you have some sort of death wish self or relationship otherwise....

For me it was fairly easy...I only tossed around the idea for a week or so before I asked my wife, but I had a long history with her and I knew I could ask and not have any severe negitive responses....

So all I can say is think it over before you pull the trigger and good luck....

Steph...

[bEEb]

Amen sister

[Amy Hepker]

Telling someone is almost never easy, as most of us know it was hard for us to accept ourselves. Most, if not all of us have lived our secret life by ourselves at one point in time. Afraid to be Cast Out, Labeled, Degraded, even hurt or killed. There are some people out there that will not accept the fact that we are real people, we are but an eye sore, a desease that is trying to ruin their lives. Some will never accept the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of us and we are just starting to come out.

We do have to step lightly with friends and relatives to test the ground upon which we wish to step, for they as well, will be affected by our lives and decissions.

I do believe that a CDer wanting to get into a relationship should be open and honest with who we wish to share our lives with. True, we may lose them, but as someone else has said, you probably would lose them anyway, it will just be less complicated now.

[JoAnnDallas]

If your an older CDer like myself (60 years old), then you have to understand that when we were younger (1950-1960), Crossdressing was not only disgusting and perverted to most people but in many states was illegal to do so. You could even end up beaten to the edge of your life or even lose it. Same if you were Gay. In fact even more so for Gay's. So you hide this from family, friends, girl friends, and yes even wives. Not only did you hide it, but you lied about it. Also back then we had no Internet, so we all felt totaly alone and many thought they were the only ones that did it anyway.
So I understand why many of us waited until later in life to tell our wives. For me it was a combination of the Internet, forums like this one, and today's soceity that convinced me that I had to tell the wife. Even today many wives and girl friends will not understand or even want to understand. Hiding this for so long, it is very hard to come out and tell someone. It takes a lot of guts and hoping the other person will at least try to understand. For some it does not work and for some it does.

[Amy Hepker]

JoAnn, I could not agree with you more. I too grew you in that time period and understand wholeheartedly like you.