Help! coming out for the first time

[midnightblue]

Dear all

What should I do?
I am a CDer wife. 'She' just told me that she is ready to go out, asked me if I would like to go with him/her to town.

This is his/her first time. I feel that I should. However, I am also worried that I may blow his/her cover, and become a burden to him. People who know both of us, would recognise him straight away if we go out together. Once bitten twice shy. I don't want him having any bad experience on this very first coming out. On the other hand, I don't want him to go out alone on his first coming out either. What if something bad happen to him and I wasn't there. Staying at home and waiting, I will be worried all night. I asked him if he wants me to go with him/her. He said that it's up to me!

[kay_jessica]

Midnightblue,

It is good that you express this concern for her. My suggestion is that you do indeed go out with her, but not in your home town. Most towns in the UK are reasonable close to each other, I do not know which town you live in, but there must be an urban area close enough to get to, but far enough to reduce the risk of being recognized to an acceptable level so that you both can be together for what is going to be a very big step for her. If you live in the home counties then an ideal place for you both to go to would be a T night at Pink Punters in Milton Keynes ( http://www.pinkpunters.com/site/events.htm). (1st & 2nd Friday, 1st, 3rd and last Saturday of every month). There is a very T friendly hotel literaly right oposite the place and is reasonably priced. too

Take care and I hope it goes well

Hugs


Kay

[Shelly Preston]

Well you have a choice

You could find a support group in your area

You could go somewhere you will not be recognised

[debbeelee1]

MNB, yes, there are concerns. Go with her and go to a place that is CD friendly, or maybe just go for a ride in the car after dark. Just take little steps. Don't try going to a crowded mall on a Saturday afternoon! Good luck and let us know how you two made out!

[Sonia Kiss]

Hello Midnight,

Honestly, you don't sound quite ready to go out yet. I know you offered, and that you're still considering it, and it sounds like your SO would be happy to have you along...

But still, you sound a little nervous about this, and it shouldn't be like that. You shouldn't feel obligated to do this if you're uncomfortable with it.

Are there some things you could do to make waiting at home less nerve wracking? Like, you said "out all night." Is she really planning a long night out for her very first time out dressed? Is she thinking of doing this alone? Gosh, that would be jumping in with both feet! Maybe you could suggest she scale down this maiden venture. If she's going out with people she already knows though, then it's a little less worrisome because she should have them for support. In either case, can she take a cell phone and give you a report or two during the evening? Explain that this is standard girl stuff, to check in by cell phone! (lol) :) Also no matter what, agree on what time she will be home and stuff. That's not henpecking, it's being safe.

If you do decide to go out with her, my advice is to keep the evening fun! You almost certainly will get "read" and get some crazy comments. Roll with it, communicate to people that you are having fun, and are out learning and exploring, and...that will be the truth!

Best wishes
Sonia

[DemonicDaughter]

I'm actually planning on taking my SO out for the first time as well. There's a nice, quiet, dimly lit restaurant a few towns over (on Long Island that's about twenty minutes away and doesn't really matter as most people here don't even know their neighbors who've been there for their entire lives... but I digress). I want to make it as peaceful and calm as I can for her so she can get over the jitters a bit easier. I'm taking her there in drab first, then out on a date when she's ready. :)

Perhaps you two should do the same. Find a place, make a plan, visit there first without being dressed and decide how to handle it should something arise.

I wouldn't want to miss my gurl's first full outing. I want to be there for her as much as I can.

Just my thoughts. :) Best of luck!

[deja true]

Cool and calm is the way to go. DDs idea of a little reccy beforehand is very good.

And Sonia is right, too. Don't be foced to do what you don't want to do. Your girl's urge has to be tempered with common sense. The more comfortable you are, the better the evening will be.

This is one of those areas where negotiations are necessary.

[SweetCaroline]

I agree with others, if you want to go out publicly, but are still concerned about being seen, go out of town. That's what I did the first few times I went out. Find a GLBT place to go to, where other trans people have been before, and you're golden.

This isn't the stone-age. Most larger sized cities have a place to go to. Unfortunately you might have to travel a bit to find them.

But if your wife is with you than...WOW. You already have more than most of us dreamed of when we first started.

[danielle_from_cal]

I agree with many of the other posts: Go to a place where you are not likely to be recognized. Unless you are famous you should be able to find many places to go.

And, by the way, my compliments for being so supportive. If I were her, I would stay at home with you.

[Nicki B]

Well you could go somewhere anonymous (and not on your doorstep) together?

But don't worry too much about her being recognised - you're the one not wearing a disguise? For that reason, it might be okay for your partner to go on their own, particularly if with friends; but if it all worries you, then yes, go have a meal somewhere quiet and see for yourself? :)

Restaurants tend to be safe - people don't want a scene to disturb their meal, whereas once people have alcohol inside them, you can never tell.. But you know where feels safe for a woman and where doesn't? Your partner has to pick up that awareness..

Can I ask roughly where in the UK you are? :)

[tricia_uktv]

Agree with all the advice here. Fing yourself a playground in a town/city away from home and pratice together there. No risk of being found out so you can enjoy yourselves. I bet you'll find it fun. Use the Internet

[midnightblue]

Hi all

We went and back, safe and sound. I was the one needing hand-holding. He/she was alright. I took everyone's advice, went to somewhere not our home town, Manchester,in fact. Thank you everybody. Love you all.

To Nicki, we live in Yorkshire.

[Sonia Kiss]

Yeah! Love to hear happy stories like this. Thank you for sharing, Midnight. Love right back, Sonia

[jessielee]

dear Midnight,
i'm so happy for you!
i want to hug you both! :hugs:
bless you dear for your support and care!
now can you relax a little?
just teasing a little bit.
you're great!
jessie

[Nicki B]

Hi all

We went and back, safe and sound. I was the one needing hand-holding. He/she was alright. I took everyone's advice, went to somewhere not our home town, Manchester,in fact. Thank you everybody. Love you all.

To Nicki, we live in Yorkshire.

Then the Manchester Village area would be a good place for both of you - try Villagio, Eden, Velvet, Taurus, all good places to eat and totally trans-friendly - plus there's Chinatown just up the road (the Little Yang Sing is excellent). You partner should try the Northern Concord (http://www.northernconcord.org.uk/) meetings, on a Weds?

There are also other groups in Leeds, Sheffield, Hull, Derby & Nottingham that may be not that far away? Drop me a pm if you need any more info? :)


Glad you had a good time - I do hope you enjoyed it, too? ;)

[Tomara]

It is great that you both had a positive first time out . There are lots of other things you can do in other towns or cities , like movies, plays, and music . maybe you could plan a day trip or a weekend away from your home area. Good luck and enjoy yourself! Tomara cd