My wife told her son about me

[Rachel Morley]

I've been coming to this site for 3 years now (ever since I decided to accept my crossdressing) but as we all know, just because we accept ourselves we can't always predict the effect that "coming out" will have on others. Sometimes it's best to keep some things in our lives private. This is how it's been in our house regarding my crossdressing and my wife Marla's son Anthony. We figured that him knowing wouldn't actually add any value to his life ... only ours, so why tell him if he doesn't need to know?

When I first married Marla he was 12 and so we didn't think it wasn't a good idea to tell him that his new step Dad was a crossdresser. We didn't want to impact his life any more than it already was ... what with me entering his life without him having any say in it. Anyway, the next couple of years we (btw, Marla is very accepting of my crossdressing ... ok ... I admit it, she actually likes it! We met on a CD forum. She wants a crossdressing partner and she describes herself as "trans-amorous" :) ) .... sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, so over the years we continued to "develop me" and tried to make my presentation as feminine as possible while still maintaining the "hush hush" of it all.

My "development" and "progression" that both Marla and I have cultivated continues on to this day and that Marla and I are 2 of the 4 founding members of the River City Gems (http://www.rivercitygems.org/) a new Sacramento Transgender Support Group. This has lead to some very challenging moments when it comes to "getting me in and out of the house" to go out shopping or to go to socials, parties and events, etc I can tell you! I've even had to climb out of the window dressed in a short skirt and heels on two occasions! I'm being totally serious!

Anyway, last week when we pulled into the driveway after we had come back from one of our River City Gems (http://www.rivercitygems.org/) crossdressing socials, Marla said to me: "Oh God, I'm so tired of all this cloak and dagger stuff. I'm damm well going to tell Anthony tomorrow! I don't want to hide this part of our lives anymore. I'm proud of what we are doing with the Gems and I think we should be open about all of it. "Gulp!" .... I thought. I said "err ... ok, but please do me one favor, just tell him how it really is. Be sure to let him know that you were involved in CDing before you met me, tell him how we met, and tell him the truth about how you dislike regular guys, how you like a feminine partner, and how you think crossdressing is fun, ok? I don't want him to mistakenly think that you are a wife who has to "put up with" something you don't want or like because that is not the case. In other words, if he takes it badly I don't want it to be just me who's the bad guy,ok?". She said "don't worry, I'll tell him everything, including that I like it".

Several times the next day at work I was thinking about it, and wondering how the conversation that Marla was having with Anthony, was going. I got home and immediately asked her what happened. She said that she told him out right that I was a crossdresser, and that we are founding members of a transgender social and support group in Sacramento called the River City Gems. She also told him that we often like to go out in public with me dressed as a woman of my own age. She said that she told him it was all about gender expression and that I wasn't gay, and that I wasn't going to have a sex change or anything like that. It's "just crossdressing". If he didn't want to see it or have anything to do with it that's fine, and it needn't impact his life anymore than it already is now, except for the fact that he now knows why we go out so much and what we are doing.

He was pretty cool about it really. He said, that he kind of knew something was going on because, as he put it: "... the ton of books in the computer room all called things like "my husband wears my clothes" "sex and gender" and someone's husband who is called "Betty" :D However, he thought we were moderators of a vegetarian website or something like that (yes, we're both vegetarian). He said he didn't want to see me dressed and he doesn't want his friends to know and that he's not going to tell anyone. Awesome! ... I thought ... that works for me! :)

So now, apart from the neighbors peering out of their window when we leave to go out, it's all plain sailing for us (we hope). No more sneaking in or out of the house and Marla having to distract Anthony while I run to the car or bedroom. No more changing the subject when he comes into the kitchen. No more closing the browser if he walks past and looks at the screen ... and of course, much less stress for both of us. Marla even joked: "... now at Christmas time when we are all opening presents together, I won't have to keep most of yours back to give you privately. I don't have to hide the fact that I've bought you a cute dress!" :eek:

Has anyone else had "a good result" when it came to telling their children, family or friends?

P.S. ... sorry about the long and boring nature of this thread. I just thought some might be interested.

[emily<3<3]

=D
that made me smile
woot go acceptance of some sort =D

hmm i cant wait till i have kids and have that akward conversation =D
ha ha see your story made me smile and now i cant stop =D=D=D

[DemonicDaughter]

I love it! How absolutely wonderful! Oh how free you must feel now! And I loved every detail. CONGRATS! :love:

[gennee]

My son and his gf know that I wear women's clothing. He's cool :cool: with it.

Gennee

[danielle_from_cal]

That's a great story. It's good to hear that things went well and that you do not have to sneak in and out of your own home. And please accept my compliments for you setting up the River City Gems. It's leaders like you that make the world a better place. Please give yourself a pat on the back for that one.

I have a home in Sacramento. I only get down there once in a while these days, but maybe I will check out your group sometime when I am there.

My experience coming out to family members has been great. I told my sister in 2003 and she did not bat an eye. She even offered me some of her dresses to wear. But they were too small. (I could have squeezed into them but, quite frankly, they were not my style.)

Then I told my mother in 2005. She had no problem with it at all. I went up to visit her (she lives in a remote town in the Alberta Rockies) and she gave me a couple of really nice pairs of earrings. Then I got all dressed and modeled some of my skirts and other clothes for her. It was a lot of fun and a relief to finally be myself with my mother.

I recently found out that my brother in law (the husband of the aforementioned sister) knows about my crossdressing. My sister has shown him photos. He has no problem with it either.

So, that's 3 down and about 800 to go.

Please keep the posts coming and good luck with the River City Gems.

[Mary Morgan]

I think Marla needs to have her own Television, Radio or Internet show to demonstrate to other women that there is life after finding out your partner is transgender.

[Stormgirl]

Thats cool

Now back to my steak :drink: jk

[Jenny Beth]

Very cool Rachel, glad to hear it all worked out. Not having to sneak around and hide things in your own house has to be a weight off your shoulders. As for "good results" I mentioned here a couple of years or so back that I bit the bullet when my daughter and her best friend visited and I decided to dress the way I normally do around the house. She had known about me since she was 16 (now 30) and I hated having to put my things away when she came. I'd say they were better than good results, I ended up getting a make over and we did our nails together. Too bad Marla's son wasn't a daughter, maybe you could have ended up in seventh heaven but what you have is still awesome. Well done both of you! :hugs:

[Diane Paris]

As always, your posting was interesting and thought provoking. Well done! Thanks. Diane

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you for shareing that with us all.Its always nice to hear about these real life experiences and all the little things that we overcome.I enjoyed reading your thread very much.

[Sally24]

Wow, a big congratulations to you and Marla, Rachel!! I know how nervous we are when telling a new person about "us". I'm also glad I'm not the only one who has snuck out the back door while their wife distracted the kid. They find out eventually. (a funny story....before my daughter knew she spotted high heel tracks in the snow coming out of the back yard and going into the garage. She was a little conerned that there weren't tracks coming back out! Just one of the little clues that she worried about before we told her)

It just makes things so much better when everyone in the household knows and understands. I let it go to my head for awhile and Sally was upstairs in the main house a little too much for my wife. I got that under control and things are so much happier without any of the "cloak and dagger" stuff.

I'm so happy that your close family is now in the know. With the regular stress that our lives entail, you don't need that extra bit that comes with hiding things at home. Enjoy and keep posting!

Love,
Sally

[Angie G]

Well I glad for you that Anthony is OK with the news You must be on cloud 9 hun. And I didn't find your story boring at all Rachel.:hugs:
Angie

[sandra-leigh]

Marla said to me: "Oh God, I'm so tired of all this cloak and dagger stuff. I'm damm well going to tell Anthony tomorrow! I don't want to hide this part of our lives anymore.

Ah, I can certainly relate to that! In the last few months before my wife and I had The Talk, I was really getting sick of the cloak and dagger stuff. I wasn't ashamed of my crossdressing, but I was ashamed of lying to her, even if only by creative misdirection (e.g, mentioning the computer club meeting that was on but going to the crossdressing meeting instead, and letting her conclude that it was the computer meeting I went to.) The stress of hiding it from her was becoming much harder on me than the stress of "what might happen".

I got lucky and it's working out not badly for me. But I had to do something, the lies were getting too much for me.

[CrossdressinGoth]

thats so great that her son is approving of it. should very much be nicer to not have to "sneak" out anymore.

[Sarah Doepner]

I am in awe of you. We just made the house such an uncomfortable place for our last child that he finally moved out. It was time anyway, he's in his early 20's, so I didn't push him out of the nest.

Your approach is what we all want to be able to achieve. Your success should be what we all discover.

[CharleneCD]

Coming out to family members can be so liberating. Nothingt i hated more than lying to the people i loved. Glad to hear all went well for you two.

[Joann0830]

After the death of my wife in 2001, I was faced with raising of my youngest daughter by myself, I decided one day to sit with her when I figured that she was old enough and would understand. My Daughter came home from High School in her freshman year and was telling me about some students who were gay and I asked how she felt about them and she told me that she had no issues with them and that two of them were her friends. I realized that I had beena Good parent and raised her well in that we are not people who should judge anyone. Well back to where I was and I figured I should explain about me, I explained that I had these feelings since I was a child and growing up with these feelings were diificult in that not being able to tell anyone. She understood and thats when I explained to her that these feelings made me a better Husband and definitely a Better Father in that I could better understanding of the female gender. Being out with her has been the best thing for both of us as she not only is supportive but also fun when we go shopping together. One drawback is she borrows my earrings and other jewelry, just joking. It really is wonderful. BTW My wife knew also and that is something that I miss, more then anything is my partner who was understanding. For all of you Ladies that have understanding Partners and Spouses, May I congratulate your S.O.s and thaink they should be given a Thank You and a Kiss. Joann0830:love::love::love::heehee::thumbsup:

[VikkiVixen7188]

I dunno I havent been able to get the guts up to tell anyone yet. THough I want to really bad. I know one of my friends is very homophobic, and though Im not gay we all know how that goes. Im glad he was OK with it though. :thumbsup:

[Oddlee]

Has anyone else had "a good result" when it came to telling their children, family or friends?


So my daughter went off to college last fall and I could enjoy dressing to my heart's content. When she came home for Christmas I told her about my cross-dressing. I have a feeling that she suspected, having found fem things in my closet before. Anyway, she had talked at Thanksgiving about helping a college friend find a corset and bra, and dressing him for Halloween. She said she didn't understand the big deal. After all, it's only clothes. If she only knew...

Anyway, since then she has seen me in full dress - wig, boobs, skirt and sweater, and her only care was about my lipstick smearing. I'm lucky to have such a great daughter...

She used to live with me half-time, but her mother has moved to Denver, so I will have her full time this summer - glad she already knows, but I'm still a little hesitant about changing while she is here - another opportunity for self-discovery, for both of us...

Lee

[StefanieWA]

Hi Rachael, I had a mixed reaction to telling my boys, unfortunately I told them against my wife's wishes (big mistake) the discussion with the boys went well and although the youngest understands he still reckons "its pretty whacked dad' but this led to a terrible breakdown in our relationship which almost ended up in divorce but also with me being outed to her side of the familly, her sister is understandanding, her folks well at least they talk to me. But I have realise it has to be done with both being consentual. It would certainly make it hard if you did not have the full understanding of your SO, Different matter if you live by yourself with a child.

All the best

Stefanie

[JoAnnDallas]

Cool

[Julie York]

Congratulations. I know you two have been struggling with the timing of this for a while now. So good for you both. It must be a great relief.

:thumbsup:


(and it wasn't long and boring.:D)

[Tree GG]

...He said he didn't want to see me dressed and he doesn't want his friends to know and that he's not going to tell anyone. Awesome! ... I thought ... that works for me! :).....

It's great that you are OK with that. My husband isn't....well he says he is and then he says he isn't. Is insistant that the perfect scenario involves his daughters getting to know Darlene. I will keep my mouth shut there (please be impressed with that! :eek:)

So my question to you, is that if your step-son says the above, how can you still NOT have to sneak out of the house? If he doesn't want to see. And how do you feel about him not wanting his friends to know? My husbands says that makes him feel like "a monster" that everyone wants to hide.

I'm curious how very similar scenarios are interpretted so differently. You see it as a success in acceptance, mine sees it as not.

Thanks for sharing!

[Dawn D.]

Congratulations to you and Marla, Rachael! I also know the feeling of the weight lifted by telling my own two kids. They have taken it as well as can be expected only to the point that they have not yet met me as Dawn. And like your son, they say they do not yet want to meet 'her'.

As Tree says though:
I'm curious how very similar scenarios are interpreted so differently. You see it as a success in acceptance, mine sees it as not. I myself, am not satisfied (if that is the right phrase) with their level of acceptance as being accepting, only to the point of knowing of me. True, if they should come over at some point they shouldn't be surprised that I am en femme. The problem is that they have purposefully avoided coming to our house specifically because of the possibility that I may be en femme and they might see "it". That just puts the weight of all of this back on my shoulders. It seems it is easy for them to at once say "yeah, thats cool" and when they leave and have time to reflect upon what they have learned, they really find in themselves that they are just not going to be as openly accepting as we would wish or believe them to be. Not seen, is not known.

I am sorry Rachael, I don't mean to rain on your parade. I am just feeling that when our family and Friends that we "out" ourselves to, tell us that they accept us, I don't think the deed is done until they can really see us, instead of the "monster" (again as tree said) that they envision us to be.

Keep pluggin' away though Girl!



Dawn

[Rachel Morley]

Hello everyone,

I'm so glad that most of you seem to have had "good results" when it came to "letting the cat out of the bag" :)

I'm very happy about the fact that Marla and I can talk about CDing stuff and no worry about being overheard. It is, as you all have said, a big weight off my shoulders and we are both happy about Anthony's seemingly acceptance ... or neutrality.

However, if you don't mind I do want to specifically answer a question from Tree GG. ...and what Dawn D eluded to.

So my question to you, is that if your step-son says the above, how can you still NOT have to sneak out of the house? If he doesn't want to see. And how do you feel about him not wanting his friends to know? My husbands says that makes him feel like "a monster" that everyone wants to hide.

I'm curious how very similar scenarios are interpretted so differently. You see it as a success in acceptance, mine sees it as not.

Thanks for sharing!
Hi Tree,

How can I not still sneak out of the house? Well, Anthony is a gamer and he spends a lot of time in his room, and so when it is time to go out, we just simply announce out loud that "we are about to go out to a Gems event" ... he knows what that means (I'm dressed) and he wants to stay in his room for the next 60 seconds. The other thing is I can understand why he doesn't want to tell his friends. I have empathy for his situation. In some circles, having a crossdressing step-dad might not be cool and something that a person might not want to share. As long as he accepts me and that he doesn't treat me any differently when we interact that's all I care about. I don't want him to have to volunteer any information that he (or me) doesn't want him to. In fact, I feel that CDing is an integral part of Marla's and my relationship (because of the way we met) I'm not necessarily cool with everyone knowing everything. It's almost like telling people private things about your relationship .... need to know basis only. Anyway, things might change in the future, but for now I'm very happy about the situation and I don't think that I'm a monster just because he's not 100&#37; cool with it. I'm happy for any level of acceptance. It's not an "all or nothing" situation with me.

Hugs
Rachel

[Tree GG]

Thanks Rachel, I like the glass half full perspective myself.

It seems, IMO, that those who expect...heck, demand...a certain level of behavior to declare 'acceptance' are being over-controlling and looking for external validation of their femme self. My husband and I have spoken of this so I don't think I'm speaking out of turn, but he's looking for someone to love Darlene. Forget the guy exists and make 'her' the most important. It does seem to have diminished a bit in the past 4-6 mos as I encourage him to like his male self equally, (NOT asking him to stop dressing or get rid of Darlene, but to like the guy, too) but it still is a source of disappointment for him. And on occassion turns to bitterness and anger.

Thanks for you realistic and loving perspective. Respecting how your son feels without finding insult is admirable.

[Dawn D.]

Rachel, Perhaps what I posted yesterday may have seemed a bit hard line. That really was not what I wanted it to be percieved as. I do think that anytime a CD/TG/TS is willing to out themselves to their family members or even friends, the level of acceptance on the recipients end is an unknown and WE accept the risk of being accepted by them or not. If however, we are told in effect by that recipient "I think it's ok" or "that's cool" or fill in your own term given for acknowledged acceptance, at some point after that I don't feel that it is too much to expect that, WE may wish not only to be known, but, as well to be seen.

I think that this revelation the relative or freind just learned about may so catch them off guard that initially they respond in a manner to allow us to feel a level of acceptance. However, after having more time to digest on the issue, they tend to build displeasure and/or ambivolence over it and then the resistance to a meeting of the individual grows and might never happen. After all, they have only, always had a percieved notion and vision of the individual as the person they already know them to be. Now that you have told them that you aren't that person it becomes quite a shock to their idea of who you are to them. Hence the resistance to actually meet your femme self.

I would desperately love for my son and daughter to actually meet me. I truly think they would like Dawn. I know that I am a different person en femme than I am as a presented male. My wife and my therapist have both told me that I am a different person en femme as well. At first I didn't believe them. But, then as with Tree's husband it would seem, I have issues with my "guy" side. To me this person (guy side) is dying. So, who will that leave when he is gone. Will the one's I love still not want to see me then? Perhaps. Though, I would like for them to get to know Dawn gradually before that happens. But, somebody has to make the first move. Will it be them or me?

Sorry Rachel, I am not trying to hijack your thread. I think you have developed a very workable situation for yourself, Marla and your son. I do think that is awesome. It is good to know that there is respect on all sides. Someday when I can get to Sacramento I'd sure like to meet your group if that is possible. It sounds like you all have such a wonderful time!




Dawn

[KandisTX]

I cannot seem to find the thread I thought I started when I posted about the conversation had with our daughter (she's my step-daughter). She was 9 years old at the time (I think), and had pretty much figured out for herself, but we held a nice open conversation with her and the first thing she asked when we were done which told us both (myself and GlitterGG) she was okay with it was "When can I buy you a bra and panties".

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Dawn D.]

KandisTX, Now that's what I call acceptance!



Dawn

[Nicole Erin]

So how old is your son Anthony now anyways? You had said he "was" 12 when you got with your wife... but didn't really say how long ago it was.

I don't know if my son knows or not, even if he knows I wouldn't know how he would react to seeing me dressed. I imagine he might not really say much of anything. It would probably be like "Yeah, whatever, hey dad, there is this one part of my game I can't figure out, do you know of any..."

I am not real good at "sitting people down to explain". I could be announcing that the world is about to end and say "Yeah so on [whatever day] I hope we all die quickly when the world blows up so we don't feel anything..." My approach is almost like "didn't you know...?"

[Priscilla Ann]

Glad to hear you got that out and had good results, Rachael

[Rachel Morley]

So how old is your son Anthony now anyways? You had said he "was" 12 when you got with your wife... but didn't really say how long ago it was.
He's 17

[Phoebe Reece]

Rachel, I think that things went really well for your situation. Being honest with young people almost always has good results.

Both of my kids have known about my crossdressing all their lives. My wife and I decided before our daughter and son were born that having such a major secret in the house was not a good idea. It was never a problem for them and I am still just "Daddy" no matter how I am dressed. Our daughter is 32 and married (her husband knows too) and our son is 28 (and still living at home).

[DonnaT]

Congratulations Rachel. Good to hear y'all are respectful of his wishes. Eventually his curiosity may peak enough that he won't try and avoid seeing you dressed.

After telling our son, and him saying he's fine with it, there was no more running and hiding if I was dressed and he came home unexpectedly. It's progressed now to where I can dress however I want, whenever I want, and he's never had a problem with it.

[Sallee]

Rachel, Marla did a great job I am sure that is so cool he was cool with it. I told my kids a few years ago actual after they came across some pictures. One daughter said she try's to ignore it. I have been dressed in from of them yet accept for one Halloween. I am glad it worked out

[Paulette]

Once again Rachel you and Marla have set the bar for acepting and effectivley dealing with a situation that is so mis-understood. Knowing you both personally I can attest that you both are very considerate and kind people with concern for others in such a selfless manner. I am so happy for you both, the work that you do for the River City Gems is so invaluable to so many in our community. See you on Friday at our makeup class.

The Gems have had many socials both at a members home and in public places. They organized a shopping party at a local Dress Barn while I was able to attend the actual event, based on the information from the group It paved the way for my solo over two houor shopping spree at the store. The sales associates did not hesitate to ask if I wanted a dressing and helped me coordinate several outfits.

[windycissy]

Rachel,

That is so great! Kudos to you and Marla for the sensitive, thoughtful way in which you handled this situation...by being proactive, you spared your son a potentially traumatic experience should he have discovered your secret by surprise. I am so happy for you.