Divorce

[Kay Sterling]

I went through a painful divorce where my being a CD was the most important reason. My ex told all our friends and some of my co-workers . Most all of these people will have nothing to do with me. Has anyone else gone through this?

PS I have since remarried to a wonderful women who supports me 100 percent. Trying to gain new friends.

[Angie G]

Well it ounds like you in a better place yougo girl. Congrats hun. :hugs:
Angie

[debbeelee1]

Congratulations Kay! Sounds like you are off to a great new beginning!

[KandisTX]

Been there, done that. My first marriage ended badly and she used my CDing to help her gain custody of my son whom I have not seen in 18 years. My second thought that she could change me, but ultimately left me when she realized that wasn't going to happen. The third was bothered that when we would go out Kandis would get more attention than her. Current wife is WONDERFULLY supportive and even participates in my CDing.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[melissacd]

My 25 year relationship with my ex ended Feb 07 and I am now out on my own. She blamed cross dressing for the failure, however, I realize now that that was a small part of why it ended. I believe that she just used CDing as an excuse.

I am happier now that it is over, I am starting to live the life that I want to live.

[Daintre]

Yes Kay, it has also happened to me although on the divorce papers it was spelled "irreconcilable differences" My ex made it known to all our friends and my family. Friends turned away, true friends helped me a lot, and family was accepting to a degree.

They say time heals all wounds, and to a degree that is true, but the hurt stays.

[avery99]

there is beauty in all things, and it up to us to find it. if we cannot find this beauty, this is a reflection of us and not the thing we turn away from.

in my experience any pain we must endure is well worth it if part of the courage it takes to follow our own nature. you have a partner now who accepts you as you are.

[Deborah Jane]

I,m going through a divorce at the moment because of my c/ding. In all fairness to my ex, she has promised not to "out" me though, as much for the childrens sake as my own. [We both agreed our 3 children could get negative reactions if everybody knew the reason for our divorce.]

I,m glad you,ve now found an understanding woman to accept you as your true self Kay.

[shalini_ukunge]

I read in an "infidelity support" forum that 95% of ALL FIRST TIME divorces are due to infidelity, EITHER DISCOVERED OR HIDDEN. (The rest are usually due to alchohol or abuse). The incidence of divorce among couples where one person is a CD is exactly the same as the general population. My conclusion - CDing is NEVER the reason for a divorce, but ALWAYS the excuse for one, and it seems, to cover up or deflect attention from an affair.

So please don't beat yourself up saying "CDing caused the divorce".

[Melanie R]

My first wife outed me and in the divorce attempted to get full custody of the children. Out of the divorce I got full custody and she was left with her own bills. Four years into my second marriage to the most accepting and supporting wife any CD could ever hope for, my first wife told me that getting the divorce was the worst mistake in her life. She said that she had the best man - even in a dress. She died suddenly two weeks later.

[KayR]

Its so sad to hear of these "revenge" stories. If my dear wife and I were to divorce, I would be really disappointed in her and our life together if she just wanted to "twist the knife" by exposing me in that way.
My heart goes out to those of you who have been damaged by this. It's a sad comment that if you stood up and said "Ah, but she wears mens jeans and shirts, now give me custody of our children", you would be laughed out of court. Dual standards, eh?

[Amy Hepker]

Soory to hear, but yes, I have gone through the same thing. It sounds to me that you are on the right track now. That just goes to show how some people react to us. It is not fair, but it is the way it is. My Second wife knew before we got married and tried to use it against me, Sorry, it did not work, but I did go through about 12 years of hell in a 16 year marriage. She was supportive at first.

[KeriB]

Sorry to hear but sadly, friends like that you probably don't want anyways... I went through my first divorce and lost alot of our "mutual" friends for other reasons. But it sounds like things are together for you now and good luck and best wishes! True friends are sooo hard to come by...

[O2B Barbara]

They couldn't have been to great of friends but I can imagine it still hurts. On the bright side you now have a lot of new friends here.

HUGS

[danielle_from_cal]

You have described the nightmare scenario that keeps many of us from coming out to our wives; not only does she not accept it but she tells everyone else. I am happy to hear that you survived it. It has probably destroyed many others. And shame on her for doing that!

[docrobbysherry]

I read in an "infidelity support" forum that 95% of ALL FIRST TIME divorces are due to infidelity, EITHER DISCOVERED OR HIDDEN. (The rest are usually due to alchohol or abuse). The incidence of divorce among couples where one person is a CD is exactly the same as the general population. My conclusion - CDing is NEVER the reason for a divorce, but ALWAYS the excuse for one, and it seems, to cover up or deflect attention from an affair.
So please don't beat yourself up saying "CDing caused the divorce".

I got divorced. It had nothing to do with my closet CDing.

She took almost all the family friends. And yet, she told no one about my CDing.

She could have jumped on CDing as an excuse. But we both knew our divorce was caused by her infidelity and our lack of intimacy. I kept the infidelity quiet in the bargain.

[Nadia-Maria]

I read in an "infidelity support" forum that 95% of ALL FIRST TIME divorces are due to infidelity, EITHER DISCOVERED OR HIDDEN. (The rest are usually due to alchohol or abuse).

I doubt the validity of the figures above, at least in western Europe.
I use to observe different experiences around me.

As for me, my divorce was neither linked to infidelity at all, nor to CD (she didn't know about it), nor to alcohol nor to abuse.

I was silly enough to first marry a bad girl, who made me believe to love me a little (but loved much more my money and the lazyness it allowed her), and when I finally wholly realized it, we divorced at once.

Around me, infidelity seems not be the main cause for first divorces. Infidelity may often be an auxiliary cause, or a good excuse, not the main cause I guess.

Hugs

Nadia

[vivianann]

I went through a nasty divorce, and my ex told everybody about my crossdressing, but it backfired on her, her side of the family took my side in the divorce, and they did not have a problem with my crossdressing, we still are friends, and all my friends that she told did not care how I dressed, in fact they became better friends to me after she told them that I crossdressed. they all asked me about my crossdressing, and I told them the truth, and they were alright with it. I was embarrassed at first, but after they accepted me for who I was it helped me to come out of the closet with my crossdressing. I will never marry a woman if she wont accept my crossdressing.

[gwendy]

We were divorced about 12 years ago and although my crossdressing was implicated in the proceedings we both knew that it was her infidelity that was the issue.
She was perfectly happy with my dressing and actively encouraged it, as did she enjoy our growing sub/Domme relationship.
Most of my clothes at the time were chosen by her and if I was still in my male clothes in the evening it was she who would suggest/insist that I go and change.
Luckily she has never, to my knowledge, told my family, work colleagues or friends although as I grow older I realise that I could cope quite easily.
I actually outed myself to my mates a while back, I was texting my wonderful Mistress and as always included
My dearest Mistress
bla bla bla
I am yours
gwendoline
I then pressed the wrong buttons on my phone and sent it to the first contact in my list, my drinking buddy in the pub, I got lots of quips and they still occasionally call me gwen but we are still good mates so no harm done. :o

[yms]

To me, it sounds like your ex did you a big favor! On her next birthday send her an expensive bottle of wine and a thank you card.

[deja true]

You have described the nightmare scenario that keeps many of us from coming out to our wives; .....

You've also describe the nightmare scenario that keeps many of us from ever considering geting married in the first place.

Seeing so many friends divorce any way, makes my heart sick.

To include the wholesale outing in that horrendous experience just might be way too much for some.

Maybe me...


So sorry for your heartbreak, sisters.

deja

[shalini_ukunge]

I doubt the validity of the figures above, at least in western Europe.
I use to observe different experiences around me.



Nadia,

Sorry about your divorce. The survey I quoted was done in the UK. The report went on to explain that in many instances, the incidence of infidelity is not discovered for years, sometimes never. Instances of "emotional distance", "growing apart" are all signs that one person is having an affair, she/he has checked out of the marriage because she/he is emotionally in another one. And to correct a misconception, there are "Physical Affairs", but more damaging are the "Emotional Affairs".

"Love for money" is also an indication that the other person is saving/fleecing you for the sake of the affair partner.

I am not saying that ALL divorces have only these three causes, but the numbers seem consistent across cultures. And the RED FLAGS seem common too...:sad:

Shalini

[reneecd13]

Well I feel for you. When I was married my wife loved it when I dressed. She loved it because I had more clothes and shoes than her so she saw it to he advantage. She did use it against me through our divorce but it did not work for her at all. The judge saw that my dressing had nothing to do with me raising our kids. They know about me and it does not bother them. I divorced in 1990. About 5 years ago. I was with another girl that did not like me dressing and when we broke up she said whe was going to tell every one we knew. I was scared, so I decided to tell them all before she did. Most of them did not care and wanted to see me dressed up, and even wanted to go to the clubs I went to. Few did not like it but said as long as I did not do it in front of them they were fine with it. Theu still liked me for who I was.

Renee

[Nadia-Maria]

The report went on to explain that in many instances, the incidence of infidelity is not discovered for years, sometimes never. Instances of "emotional distance", "growing apart" are all signs that one person is having an affair, she/he has checked out of the marriage because she/he is emotionally in another one. And to correct a misconception, there are "Physical Affairs", but more damaging are the "Emotional Affairs".

Hi Shalini,

Thankyou for the response.

Our disagreement was probably only a matter of definition. We were disagreeing about what "infidelity" meant.
I meant a proven physical infidelity directly causing the mariage break.

If emotional distance , emotional-only affairs , presumed or not-even-guessed infidelity are included, I would possibly agree with the results of the report.

Bad communication and/or bad relation end as a rule with emotional and physical infidelity. Infidelity is at least as often the consequence, as it may be the cause.
Hence you may find some infidelity in about any divorce, but it is not always the very cause of the bad communication ending to a divorce.

Moreover, in France at least, many couples can survive to discovered love affairs. So, there at least, the link between infidelity and divorce is not as close as it may seem to appear to the authors of the report.

Kisses

Nadia

[Emily Ann Brown]

I have to tell you over the last 11 months I continuously find myself saying "what was I thinking hanging around that woman all those years?" Guess I was just too easy going....and blinded by love. She left because I was a "pervert" plain and simple. She had no reason other than I was an "embarrassment" before her church friends and God. One day she was "madly in love" and the day after discovery she couldn't stand me.

As far as outting me to everyone.....she killed all the church friends with her spin on the truth of who I am. In hindsight I'm not sure it was a bad thing really. My adult children said "So what?" so that was a non-event. And for good measure I outted myself to more family and aquaintances, removing all the worry about what happens when "so and so" finds out. Daylight can be very freeing I have found.

Emily Ann

[samantha78]

I did a few years back with an x myself and it didn't make a difference people accept me for me and thats all that counts

[shalini_ukunge]

Hi Shalini,

Our disagreement was probably only a matter of definition. We were disagreeing about what "infidelity" meant.
I meant a proven physical infidelity directly causing the mariage break.

Bad communication and/or bad relation end as a rule with emotional and physical infidelity. Infidelity is at least as often the consequence, as it may be the cause.
Hence you may find some infidelity in about any divorce, but it is not always the very cause of the bad communication ending to a divorce.

Moreover, in France at least, many couples can survive to discovered love affairs. So, there at least, the link between infidelity and divorce is not as close as it may seem to appear to the authors of the report.




Nadia,

Sadly society does not recognize the impact of Emotional Affairs (which incidentally end up as physical affairs if the opportunity offers itself). The victims have to suffer in silence without any support or sympathy.

It is difficult to judge what came first "the chicken of infidelity, or the egg of bad relationship". That is usually because it is practically impossible to estimate the exact start of an affair. And almost certainly, it goes on for a certain period of time without discovery.

However, as you rightly stated, in France AND ELSEWHERE couples do survive infidelity. Not ALL affairs end in a divorce, else the rate of divorce will be much higher than even the unacceptable figures of today.

Shalini

[Traci_Ann CD]

I,m going through a divorce at the moment because of my c/ding. In all fairness to my ex, she has promised not to "out" me though, as much for the childrens sake as my own. [We both agreed our 3 children could get negative reactions if everybody knew the reason for our divorce.]

I,m glad you,ve now found an understanding woman to accept you as your true self Kay.
Sorry to hear about that Deborah. I can't understand why women can be so mean. I want to say from your pictures tho.....you are one hot looking lady. I think that leather skirt ya had on in that first avatar picture was mighty sexy.

[CD Susan]

Kay, I went thru the exact same thing that you did. After coming out to my ex I was rewarded with total rejection. She could not accept this part of me and was convinced that I was gay, perverted, and was mentally difficient in some way. This attitude of hers resulted in a failed marriage and ultimately divorce. The cd issue was brought up during the divorce but I doubt if it had any impact on the outcome. What was unfortunate was that she made this known to everyone we knew including my relatives and nine year old son. My ex turned out to be the opposite of what I always thought she was. My life is better without her in it. My only regrets are having to live with the way she vindictively exposed me to friends and family. I hope your situation was not as traumatic as mine and wish you the best.

[Emily Anderson]

My ex told all our friends and her family (my family already knew), and happily none of them could care less. I felt a bit sorry for her really, because even her parents turned against her.

[Seville]

...They still liked me for who I was.

You are indeed fortunate to have such wonderful friends!