I feel lost sometimes

[Tonnie]

Ok, I am sure most of you have heard this before, but wow can you really get the feeling of being lost with yourself when you are a CD. I have been cross dressing my entire life ever since my mother caught me trying on her panties when I was like five years old and was told it was wrong. This happened a few times, but my parents said I was a boy, bla, bla, bla. I am 42 now, been married three times. My wife now is very sweet and I love her, but I look at her allot, not as my wife, but as wishing we could switch bodies and I be her. In this fantasy after it happens I tell her, now I can treat your body right, wear really femine clothes and heels, sexy intimates and of course make love in every way imaginable with my new body. My wife is 29 and she says that she loves that I like to go shopping with her which if she knew the truth was because I look at what I like and go back on another day and buy it for myself. I wear panties and if possible a bra everyday, Don't ask its hard to do this without detection, but I hate the feeling of male clothing on me. Why should girls only get to wear pretty sexy things, its simply not fair. My problem latly is that I am having feelings that are getting very, very strong. I fantasize that I am watching my wife make love with another man while I am dressed as a girl and I am not jealouse at all, just enviouse that my wife is feeling this man in her and not me. She looks over at me and smiles and says this is what you really want isn't it. I hate this dream and realized that wow I am what I am a girl. It really sucks and hurts to hate your body to see pretty girls in the street and not check them out, but to say to yourself you lucky bitich, you don't know how lucky you arel. Anyway, the realy bizarre thing is that I have made contact with my wifes old boyfriend from years ago just to start up conversations about past partners so he can tell me in detail what he did with my wife, its crazy and my mind is running around in circles. I can't stop shopping for clothes, shoes, everything and am running out of hidding palces in my home. The latest is that I want to purchase female hormone cream and use it everyday to see what happens and how I feel.

What the hell is going on with me?

Tonnie:sad: