Coming out to a new friend.....Is it worth it?

[sophiya.rap]

Hello Ladies,

I am been in real state of confusion lately. Even though I have full liberty of dressing up anytime I am home, there are lots of other desires which wont let me live peacefully. One of them is " telling others about my crossdressing". Right now only my roommate knows about it. But I feel like announcing it to the whole world.

I changed my job 4 months ago. There is this guy in the new office. He is very jovial, funny and nice to everyone. He is also very mean sometimes, but in a funny way. I really liked him and we have become very good friends. He is even helping me to find a girlfriend through the online dating services I am a subscriber of.

Now here is my problem. I have a strong urge to tell him about my C/Ding. The reason is I feel like telling him, Not only because he is a good person, but also that he is gay and he is brave enough to announce it publicly and be proud of it. I feel like if I tell him he might help me get out of closet and take me around in the clubs as his girlfriend or something.....

Do you think it is worth it? Is there a possibility that he will share my secret with someone else (on purpose or by mistake) ? Does him being gay help the cause or makes it worse? Is there any other danger I am overlooking?

thanks in advance!

[Simple Girl]

.....But I feel like announcing it to the whole world.

I wish it was that easy.


.......announce it publicly and be proud of it. I feel like if I tell him he might help me get out of closet and take me around in the clubs as his girlfriend or something.....

A beautiful wish.


Do you think it is worth it? Is there a possibility that he will share my secret with someone else

A trusted friend....Those people can be a rare find.

All my best. :love:

[sterling12]

Really established, long-term, trusting, relationship first. Tell about your secret much later.

You seem to be smitten with him. Most Gay Men aren't particularly fond of us, and your giving him a very large rope to hang you with. If you don't mind the potential of your job going Poof....up in smoke, go ahead and be candid.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[flogo920]

Give it more time. In another post, someone said their litmus test:

"I saw a crossderesser at the mall." to people she thought of telling-

Their reaction then tells you all you need to know without risk.

You cannot un-ring the bell.

Good Luck !

Flo

[Blixa]

Just envision yourself coming to work wearing whatever you want and it's like no big thing. Telling this person will make that happen sooner than later. There are no downsides to this. If he somehow lets out your secret, so what, you are not all that keen on keeping it one anyway.

[DanaR]

If you were to come out to this person, if it went badly, how would it affect your job?

[vivianann]

I would do as flogo suggested, make up a story about seeing a cder, tell the story in a positive way, and see how he reacts, since he is gay and open about it, he should be understanding, if he is not understanding then he would be a hipocrite, and point that out to him should he react negatively, you would be better off to get that off your chest with him.

[yms]

I have always felt there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy can have some negative effects, especially when it is between people who should be trusting each other.

Privacy is something we all have a right to and an expectation of. If you chose to keep your crossdressing private, that should be respected.

There's a good chance he will be able to figure it out anyway. But I agree that with the others here who think you should maintain some boundaries at work.

[Amy Hepker]

Becareful, I have seen cases where someone like that will turn around and tell everyone and say, see I am not the only one. Tread softly.

[Andine]

Just a word of caution ... If you want a relationship of some kind with this person , it might not be a good thing to start it with a lie, however benign it migh be.
Find out if he goes to a gay club and would he take you ... there might be someone there who looks like a cross dresser and you could pick that and see what the reaction is ... if its positive you could volunteer that you can do better .. just for a thought.

You might come up with other ideas of your own, but keep your integrity if you can.

regards

[Dee Jay]

I have a gay friend at work. He's a really nice guy. He coulkdn't be any gayer...It's like he read a book on how to be gay and studied it and put it into life :)

The other day, we were talking and he said he booked the works van (a Ford Transit) to drop some stuff off... What he said was "I've bagged the tranny"
To this I replied "I bet you've bagged a few trannies in your time?"
To this he got quite nasty, heckles went up and he said with a growl "Oh God no! Trannies, I HATE them"

This guy is one of the nicest, funniest people I've ever met. I rarely see him anything but happy and jovial. This instant negative reaction made me think to myself... "I won't be telling him my secret any day soon." :)

DJ

[Jodie_Lynn]

He is also very mean sometimes, but in a funny way.

How, and to whom is he mean? Other employees? You?

Do you really, really, reallllllly think this is the best person to tell?



I feel like if I tell him he might help me get out of closet.....
I'm sure he will, but not in the way that you might wish.

HE is open about HIS life, that is what he is comfortable with. DON'T assume that you will have the same comfort level with exposure.

[DemonicDaughter]

I have numerous gay/bi friends and to be honest, someone being gay or not, is no indication of their level of acceptance. Its solely a matter of personal preference.

The suggestion of testing the waters with broaching the subject without implicating yourself is the best bet to understanding their point of view. Stating you saw a CDer in the mall or such will allow you to see their reaction. But be warned, if they are as you say, cruel in a funny way, then they just might launch into a tirade for the laughs. Bring the discussion to a serious level to find out how they really feel.

Best of luck hun.

[melissacd]

Always tread carefully especially when it is a work mate who you are sharing this with. I have a female friend at work who I have wanted to share this with, but once the deed is done it cannot be undone and if things go sour between her and I then it could make work a challenge.

I continue to ponder, we understand the risk and we have to assess the reward of revealing this information about ourselves. If you feel the reward is worth the risk then do it, if the reward is tiny and the risk is huge then don't. I am sure that if you check with your feelings you will know the right thing to do and the right time to do or not do it.

Good luck

Huggs
Melissa

[joann07]

Sorry, I have to mildy contradict some who caution you about telling your co-worker/friend.
I know that each situation is unique, but I think that since you have a close friend relationship with this person he would be really cool if you're open, honest, and straight up with him.
I'm sure he's been in the closet before and so he knows what's it like to keep things hidden about oneself.

The reason why I say is because I work in an office environment and one of my co-workers is openly gay.
I've known him for about three years and he joined my team about a year ago.
He knows I'm not gay and that I don't have "gaydar" and so we've become pretty good friends and grab lunch every now and then.

Last summer, I joined the GBLT Pride network that our company fully supports.
He is a member of the steering committee and when he found out that I joined, he asked why I decided to become a member.
I told him that I have a number of gay friends, one who I've known since we were little kids, and so I support the GBLT community.
Then, I told him that I was a crossdresser and, after I said that, he got so excited and was very glad that I told him. :)

He's been very supportive and will do anything to help me. Since my Tri-Ess support group meetings are very close to his home, he said that I am very much welcome to go to his house if I need to change and so he gave me a key.
I was very much appreciative of his openess and kindness and did take up his offer by changing there a number of times.

I've showed him various pictures of myself and he always gives me nice compliments on my dresses and outfits and says that he likes how I dress with class and style.
He's always inviting me to come out and join him and his partner, as well as friends, to eat and hangout.
I've gone out with him a number of times and I always have a great time.

Again, each situation is unique, but I think you have a good relationship with this person that I don't think he'll have much of a problem. I agree with what Andine said:



.
.
Find out if he goes to a gay club and would he take you ... there might be someone there who looks like a cross dresser and you could pick that and see what the reaction is ... if its positive you could volunteer that you can do better .. just for a thought.
.
.
regards

If you can get into a pleasant conversation about crossdressing, he'll see that you're an open minded and accepting person, and when the right moment comes, tell him. I'm sure he'll be totally cool about it.
Or if there's a Gay Pride event in your local area show your support by going there to meet him, in drab.


That's just my experience.
If you would like to hear more about it, please feel free to send me a PM or email.
I wish you the best.


Hugs! :hugs:

[Emily Ann Brown]

In a word....NO !

In several words....HELL NO !



Nobody almost is more open than I am anymore, but I wouldn't be in this circumstance. New job, new buddy.....hello !??!! You home???

And I will echo the earlier feeling expressed. Gay means squat as far as acceptance. I have been to clubs a bunch, and I see "Glad to see ya" to "Oh geesh, another one." and all in between. Forget he is GAY and think of him like you want to be thought of. Are you typical of all the rest of us??? Bet not.


Emily Ann

[Victoria Anne]

Sophiya , think carefully about the possible reprocusions . I can however tell you from my own experience that I work in a company of more than 10,000 and I have told three friends and thus far no problems. That having been said these friends I have known for many years prior to telling them. We did have two TS that worked here ( did , being the operative word) they were harrased to a point werether lashed back and were fired for it. How much was because of there response ? who knows , due to there gender identity ?
Think carefully dear.

Viccy

[joselyn318]

Give it more time. In another post, someone said their litmus test:

"I saw a crossderesser at the mall." to people she thought of telling-

Their reaction then tells you all you need to know without risk.

You cannot un-ring the bell.

Good Luck !

Flo

Completely agree. I usually use this line of conversation to gauge if I should trust someone.

[sophiya.rap]

Hello everyone....I am posting to this thread after almost 3 weeks since my first post....I wanted to thank all of you and give you an update.

There were a lot of things going on between me and him. He was real nice and I was dying to tell him. So I told him that i will play a game with him and I will tell 20 stories about me. Only one out of those is true. The idea was to 'sandwich' the real story between the fictional ones. The very next day, he told me that he is quitting the job and will be gone in 2 weeks. His last day in the company would be May 2nd.

I started telling those stories one by one, but cuz he was busy setting up his new business and i was busy with work, i was not able to tell the stories...So day before yesterday, I told him 5 stories. and added crossdressing story at the end. So far no reaction and there were more to go.
I had been asking the questions suggested here (just to see his reaction), but i didnt get any bad reaction whatsoever and he kept on saying.."everybody has right to live their lives, the way they want it"

So last night(while chatting on MSN) , when he suddenly accused me that i was playing with him and using him to tell my stories and that i dont trust him , I got really upset. But then after 15 min he texted me and told me that he was just messing with me. I was into emotional breakdown kinda situation. So in spur of the moment, I told him everything. I even shared my picture of hotornot.com with him and he thought it was great.
He has been very nice and supportive since then. I dont see any change in his behavior whatsoever. And I feel so light and 10 times happier:)
He himself offered me to take me to clubs, but that might just be a joke. Although he will leave the company this week, his home and business both are very close to my home and I am going to be in constant touch with him.

I am hoping things will only get better and I wont have to regret my decision ever!

Thanks again for your support!
Any comments and advices are welcomed!

Lots of love
Sophiya

[Wenda]

hey Sophiya, glad to hear you told him, and it seems to have turned out well. As the others have said, it was risky, but sounds like it may have been worth it. As several have said, just because someone is gay, it doesn't mean they are tolerant of crossdressers.
I have described myself as 'treading water in the shallow end of the transgender pool', which I thought described crossdressing, and was accepted by most friends.
I did get the feedback, however, that some of the gay community felt this description was 'presumptuous'. I didn't follow it up, but I guess their thought is that some guy dressing in stockings and a bra isn't really part of their community.
I have had to learn to not assume that I understand women, be careful when I compliment them on their choice of shoes, boots, or hairstyles, and remember to stay behind my 'red line' when it comes to relating to transgender people. All the best, w.

[SueAnncd]

Hi Sophiya

I had a friend "discover" my secret one day. I had been wanting to tell someone anyway and our friendship became even closer. I am glad he found out about SueAnn. By the way he says he likes SueAnn better than my male persona.

SueAnn

[Joanne Carlisle]

You are all a lot braver than I,at the same time I do feel the need to come out to a friend.Coming out just seems so "next step"that it seems irresistable.
How did you get the courage to take that next step?

[sophiya.rap]

Joanne, I think I was able to take that step because i had done it before. My roommate, (who is gay) had accepted my crossdressing. So I thought the same will happen when I tell this to this new guy. Also I knew he was leaving the job, So I was feeling a little safe on the whole "what if everyone at work comes to know".
But trust me, It feels so much lighter in your head once you share this with someone you know. More people know about it, lighter you would feel.
Good luck! Sophiya

[Nicole Erin]

Here is another thing - what if you tell him and he makes no big deal of it?

I don't know what reaction you are wanting but I imagine that he will probably be like "that's nice" with the same indifference as a kid picking his nose.

Any gay man who goes clubbing has probably known at least a few drag queens, and let's face it, to someone who doesn't know what the CD life is really about, a DQ and a CD are the same thing. His first comment might be "Really, that's cool, I didn't know you did drag."
[But we CDs know the difference and GD it, we do NOT "do drag"]

[DanaR]

Any gay man who goes clubbing has probably known at least a few drag queens, and let's face it, to someone who doesn't know what the CD life is really about, a DQ and a CD are the same thing. His first comment might be "Really, that's cool, I didn't know you did drag."
[But we CDs know the difference and GD it, we do NOT "do drag"]

Unfortunately most people think that we do drag.

[KarenCDFL]

Hi

There was one comment that you made that made a bell go off in my head.

"Mean in a funny way"

Since when is being mean funny at all?

Only for the person that is being mean and never for the person that it is pointed at.

I honestly would hold off and keep this to yourself for the moment. And maybe never tell him just to be safe.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Threee to four months of knowing a new friend is not long, I would suggest getting to know him better.

If he is very open in his own sexualility he may very well expect you to be also, Are U ready for that?

Also, It does seem U R smitten with this person. Do U want him to introduce you to to others or do U want him to to be that partner?

[carolinebrookes]

Hi Sophiya,

Coming out to a friend is always a nerve wracking thing to do. No one ever knows what the reaction will be. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes not.

It sounds like maybe your friend has a bit of indifference to your revelation which once again can be a good or bad thing.

I have to ask you though........... Are you looking for a relationship with this man?
The hope that he may take you out as his girlfriend or something suggests that you may have this idea.

It's good that that he has shown no negative side to your revelation but I'd urge caution.
I wish you well an hope it all goes the way you want it to go.

[Angie G]

I think I would keep it out of the work place hun. It's a place you have to be everyday and you don't want it to be a bad place to be. Even if it's not said to hurt you thing can slip out to the wrong people it could make your work place a place you don't want to be. :hugs:
Angie

[Leslie Foxx]

I've attended a few GLBT events and found that the "Ts" for the most part are looked on with disdain by the "Gs" and "Ls". This may have no bearing in your particular case because it is a one on one situation. In my experience I've had better acceptance with the straight community than those whom one might think would be more understanding of life's variants.

[Donna Michelle]

I wouldn't want to share my CD secret with a co-worker, because I need my job. But if the person left the job, I might. I would still be worried that the person might tell someone from work.

Since your friend is gay and you seem "interested" in him, he probably was glad you "came out" to him as he did to you. I hope that you have a great friendship with him.

My wife found friends for me online since I didn't know anyone that crossdressed. She encouraged me to search for friends.

[Fab Karen]

Joanne, I think I was able to take that step because i had done it before. My roommate, (who is gay) had accepted my crossdressing. So I thought the same will happen when I tell this to this new guy. Also I knew he was leaving the job, So I was feeling a little safe on the whole "what if everyone at work comes to know".
But trust me, It feels so much lighter in your head once you share this with someone you know. More people know about it, lighter you would feel.
Good luck! Sophiya
While we'd encourage you to tell good friends, etc., as DD said, just because they are gay is no guarantee of acceptance. And there are some gay guys who are misogynistic & dislike anyone or even any thing feminine.

[Laura_Stephens]

the rule I use for myself is that work is work and personal life is personal. I don't allow the two to mix. I tell my employees the same thing. Keep your personal business at home.