Narcissism OK?

[helenr]

I am 61, have been a lifelong transvestite, now more transgendered than a fetish transvestite. Much of this change is courtesy of taking spiro for over a year --anti testosterone Rx in case a reader doesn't know. I still crossdress underneath daily, but I have to respect my wife of 25 year's discomfort and disapproval of my crossdressing. This saddens me, but it isn't easy to change ingrained feelings about something that you view as alien.
I confess that forever, my transvestism has been in the closet. I have never had female acceptance or approval-I doubt that many really have, despite what I read. Most -if not all -women want to be the only squaw in the wigwam! So as a result, my mental state has always been what is called narcissistic--I became the object of my own desire--as I viewed beauty, clothing, lingerie.
I wish, as I am sure many others, that I never desired any aspect of crossdressing, but I can't change matters and I like to think there is some 'specialness' in this interest, though I am sure the general public would think I am a certified nut! We all know how hard it is, however, to compartmentalize such a major mental issue.
I am happy that Spiro has spared me the fetish sex drive, wasting time on internet websites with the wrong sort of activity, etc,etc. But I still like to see my ankles wearing Silk Reflections, Barely There, sheer hosiery. It isn't that my ankles are so fantastic, but it is a bit of a 'thrill' to see them in sheer hose, pretent that I am female in this sense,etc.
I wonder if others have this sort of 'self attraction' and what to make of it ? thanks for reading this book! Helen

[bEEb]

Another term: autoeroticism. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[deja true]

Your "narcissism" is an acceptance and love of yourself. Without a lot of support from those who love you, it's a far, far better option than self-loathing.

Go ahead and love yourself, Helen!

We all should to a certain extent.

deja

[helenr]

thanks for the remarks. I believe most of us in this group have learned how to self-love as a means of self appreciation. Clearly, if you were feeling cruel to yourself and try to compare yourself to an attractive female, it would be a bit depressing. But our need to self-accept allows us to wear tinted glasses when looking in the mirror-or avoid eye contact and focus on the clothing. humans are complicated! helen

[Stargirl]

Waiting for other people to love us the way we can love ourselves can produce a lot of cobwebs. There is a big difference between being stuck on ourselves, madly in love with ourselves, or simple self respect and friendship. When other people love us, they can see us in a different way. They might love things we are uncomfortable with when we look into a mirror, or make mistakes. Getting turned on by looking at a gloved hand, or set of dangly rhinestone earrings is a good thing. "Pretties" and embellishments are supposed to bring pleasure.

We don't need the scowling Mrs. Grundy with her clipboard "vanity offense list" peering over our shoulders. Better to have an inner friend, than a constant critic. Fun is fleeting in these difficult days. Embrace all the pleasure you can. People don't always know what we need, but we do. There is a hunger to connect. A craving. Never deny the self a genuine pleasure, as opposed to a "hedonistic habitual addiction." One is light,the other is burdensome.

[Kate Simmons]

While I love and accept myself for who I am, I've never fallen for the image in the mirror because it's the "impossible dream" and the
"mirror" part of the smoke and mirrors. We know who we really are but it can be quite easy sometimes to be lead otherwise because many of us can be very quite convincing with what we look like. It is what it is, however, and I never take myself that seriously no matter which mode I'm in. In fact even when I talk about things that seem to make a lot of sense, I will say to myself:"You're kidding , right? Where did you get that stuff?" even if they do make perfect sense. I feel the best form of self love, however, is appreciation of the fact that we genuinely care about others.:)

[docrobbysherry]

Waiting for other people to love us the way we can love ourselves can produce a lot of cobwebs. There is a big difference between being stuck on ourselves, madly in love with ourselves, or simple self respect and friendship. When other people love us, they can see us in a different way. They might love things we are uncomfortable with when we look into a mirror, or make mistakes. Getting turned on by looking at a gloved hand, or set of dangly rhinestone earrings is a good thing. "Pretties" and embellishments are supposed to bring pleasure.

We don't need the scowling Mrs. Grundy with her clipboard "vanity offense list" peering over our shoulders. Better to have an inner friend, than a constant critic. Fun is fleeting in these difficult days. Embrace all the pleasure you can. People don't always know what we need, but we do. There is a hunger to connect. A craving. Never deny the self a genuine pleasure, as opposed to a "hedonistic habitual addiction." One is light,the other is burdensome.

Not the loving of ourself, but the lusting after ourself! I look in the mirror, and I see an attractive young woman. And I want her! THAT can be an addiction and a burden! As Stargirl said so beautifully explained. If u don't feel that way, I think you're fine.

[helenr]

thanks for comments and reassurances. hugs, helen

[Angie G]

I just love to see my legs in hose love the feel also. :hugs:
Angie

[TGMarla]

I imagine that this narcissism you refer to is in reference to the very self-indulgent nature of closet crossdressing. You do this all by yourself, and give yourself your own undivided attention while you do it. You make yourself into the woman you would have been had you been born female, and naturally indulge in making yourself as pretty as you can. You revel in the time you spend en femme, and often culminate the experience with a private sexual encounter.

The problem is that this behavior can be addictive and all-consuming. You think about it even when you're not dressed, and it sends you off to internet sites where you can indulge your sexual desires when dressing is unavailable or insufficient. You have taken drugs to quell your sex drive, when you may well have been better off trying to channel those desires towards your wife of over 25 years. But would she have been receptive to you if you had tried this? Look, there's nothing wrong with a little self-indulgence when it comes to crossdressing. But I think it's important to try and keep some perspective on it as well.

My own situation is such that I can be classified as a closet crossdresser. My wife know I do this, but I still keep it under wraps. So my dressing episodes are a solitary activity, and therefore can be characterized as self-indulgent, too. There's nothing wrong with a little narcissism for a crossdresser. It probably makes you better at female emulation. It can give you a better eye for detail. But one has to try and control it, lest it control you instead. You never made peace with your dressing habit, I think. Maybe the two sides in you that have been fighting all these years need to have a sit-down and try to make peace and strike a balance.

[tamarav]

I think the remarks by Stargirl and the others are very well placed. Narcissim by itself can be an all-encompassing activity, believe me I also know.

I tend to call my activity tht of a femo-phile, or a lover of the feminine. Simpkly that. I love the look and smell and all of the styles that surround the feminine and readily admit to them.

You will see every level of behavior here as a reflection of society in general. No need to beat yourself up for something we have basically no control over. Do the best you can with what you have to work with and go on with life. It is obvious that you love your wife or you would have made changes long before now.

Your assessment of compartmentalization is an accurate one to me, I hope that you are at peace with yourself and have a memorable time.

Your sis,

Tami

[helenr]

comments appreciated. TGMarla's remarks strike home. I did try to get my wife to accept some modest crossdressing-only in the bedroom,etc-but, alas, this is such a turn off to her, it just didn't work out. Because of the super strong transgendered mindset, I just couldn't 'perform' with my being unable to crossdress a little. It is so difficult for those of us in or out of the closet to deal with the compartmentalizing we must employ to get along in society, it is similarly difficult to satisfy a woman 'as a man' if you feel 'female' yourself.
We have a fairly good relationship because I do all I can to please my wife-theater, opera, trips,etc. But, one can never know what a woman has in her mind . best to you all. helen

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

OP sounds a lot like me, plus or minus 40 years, a marriage, and closet-ness.

I think in a way I have become the object of my own desire, which basically means I want to partner with someone like me. I don't mean a crossdresser, I just mean someone who's interests/style/school of thought in general parallels my own.
Obviously I can "be" this person better than anyone I have met, and the proof of that is I am single.