SO problem

[TiffanyTgirl]

My wife of 19 years has developed a nasty habit the last couple of years. She has started using my mistakes as well as any help i have asked her for as bargaining chips when she wants something. She is aware that I like to cd. She also knows that i want to "come out" and be in public. She doesn't know that I had a couple of adventures already. I purged and returned as is the cycle. I want to be up front on this go round, but now I feel like this may come with too high a price tag on down the road.
Has this happened to any of you here? What do you think?
Tiff

[Nadia-Maria]

It is manipulative behaviour, I presume.
The best thing to do is to laugh when she tries to bargain, and say "NO, of course".
And if she doesn't understand, then you'd better to consider to quit her.

Except if you like being manipulated...

Kisses

Nadia

[DonnaT]

Blackmail is never cool, if that is what is going on.

If it is her way of compromising, then that would be different.

There's a fine line in there somewhere, and not knowing any specifics, it's hard to tell which is occurring.

If you think it is one, and she thinks it is the other, then y'all need to discuss it. Even if it means going to a marriage counselor for a third party intervention.

[Dee Jay]

My wife of 19 years has developed a nasty habit the last couple of years. She has started using my mistakes as well as any help i have asked her for as bargaining chips when she wants something.

It's taken her 19 years!!!!!

Wives never forget the bad stuff. They remember it like it was yesterday, regardless of how many years have passed.
I'm still getting stuff thrown back at me from when I was 17, not long after we started going out together.

The only way is to make sure that she knows that the past is behind you and that it's no use harking back to it.
It's better to look forward than back.
Every time she digs something up, throw back that it's water under the bridge and it doesn't count anymore.

I bet she has a few mistakes you could use????
But that would be lowereing yourself to her level :)

DJ

[TiffanyTgirl]

It is hard to say. She never used to do this. We have had our share of problems the last few years, not like before when we rarely fought. It just seems to be blackmail, but I really do hate to think it is. Manipulative, yes. I believe that fully. I feel like I may being buying a car I can't afford. That is the best way i can describe it.

[Tree GG]

Why does she need a bargaining chip? Is what she asking for unreasonable? Are you not willing to help fulfill her needs? I think there are some details of the situation missing here.

[TiffanyTgirl]

Yes alot of details are missing and I don't think there is enough space here to cover them all. I am willing to fulfill her needs. I have for nearly 20 years and with little regard to myself. I had some deadlines in life that where certain things were concerned, the needed to happen by the time I turned 40. Those items did not transpire, I hit my mark. Six months later i was asked to forego my thoughts and feelings. I went in to great detail as to why I felt the way I did, and stilll I gave in and went along with the idea that if what she was asking did not happen, we had a one year time frame. Sounded like a fair compromise. After a year and 4 months, no results, and another spin was put on it and this will take another year. This is where the guilt trips and bargaining began. Heavily. Again i consented. Now I am beginning to wonder if fullfilling my dreams and desires are just going to end up giving her more fuel for forcing compromises later. Yes I am bitter about these recent events. They have made me feel as if I don't matter. I have voiced this point of view to her and while she says that is not the case, her actions stand. I don't know if I have conveyed anything any clearer. I just fell frustrated and pretty much alone. Anything in our relationship has happened mutually. Until now. The things she are asking for are major, longterm, and costly. I don't know what else to say or how to say it.

[tamarav]

From my previous days as a marriage counselor, it looks to me as if there is a lop-sidded amount of negotiation taking place. A marriage is a give and take relationship, not a give, give and give. For some reason you are accepting the demands she is making, it is assumed by me that you are accepting because you actually want to, or are frightened by the prospect of being able to actually do what you want. Could you possibly be making your demands simply to be getting a rise out her, and not for fulfillment?

Relationships grow and evolve daily. Sometimes they grow apart. If it appears that things are at a stalling point, consider outside help. Cross dressing is a common element in many marriages.

Your sis,

Tami

[Tree GG]

Even though no specifics are revealed (and I'm not asking for them), it sounds like alot of "when this happens I will be free to do that". On both sides. And the boundaries, or terms of agreement, keep changing.

You've also apparently begun to resent those changes in terms, and regret your concessions in the negotiation. As well as feeling guilt about something. If there was a mistake or transgression that keeps reappearing, sounds like neither of you have moved past it. (You because the guilt has power over you and her because she keeps using that power.)

Since we're in a CD forum, I'll assume some of these agreements are in regard to your CDing. So if she keeps finding ways to stall some aspect of CDing you're waiting to try, then she is not comfortable with whatever that aspect is and is not being honest about her desire (maybe even with herself).

As Tami suggests, if you're feeling that you're not being negotiated with in good faith, outside help may be in order. I do know that my husband has a tendency to tell me what he thinks I want to hear, then proceeds as he intended, even if it violates a boundary. It's tough and frustrating to have to spell out every detail, cover every potential action in a scenario to make sure you understand the intent. Even tougher to think you have a handle on the agreement just to find your partner is going to stretch it to the letter of the law, or change it completely.

Good luck.

[TiffanyTgirl]

About 7 years ago, we were both in a bad state of mind. Without fixing blame or pointing fingers, one of us was wrapped up in their own thing, one of us tried to reach in, and blank wall. The one who did the reaching did their own thing, Party one got caught red handed and denied everything. Just like a congressional committee. Later the second party was confronted about their thing. Fighting, and supposed forgiveness. I put that time behind me. It is history and life is too short to dwell in the past. We were both wrong in our actions and reactions. They were cd'ing and fidelity issues. Enough said.
What is being asked of me isn't something I was totally opposed to. It is a question of timing and long term effects of what she is asking. And Ultimately it will be me paying the price. And it is not a bill I want. I will do it to make her happy. However, her way of getting it led me to believe that if I do get to progress to the place I would like to be with my dressing, could I well be setting myself up for delayed interest payments?
It is messy and a lot of anger issues. If I am going to have to have cd'ing held over my head, I guess I have to decide if it is owrth it or not.

[Tamara Croft]

Sounds to me like you've hurt her pretty bad and she has let this anger build up and is giving it back to you ten fold. I think you both need to sort out old issues, whether you think you've both moved on from them, it's pretty obvious you haven't. Until you get these problems sorted out, both of you won't be able to move on, I think you should both get some councelling, you're not going to fix this by making each other miserable and constantly putting off things just to make what seems like an ongoing point, from whatever happened 7 years ago. Does that make sense?

[DonnaT]

I guess a lot depends on how much respect and love there is remaining in the relationship, and how much risk there is at losing either. And how much desire there is to remain married.

For example, I've read of some wives who want to swing, but the husband doesn't. The wife uses his desire to CD as leverage to cuckold him. Some husbands love their wives enough to let it happen, and the marriage remains intact, sometimes it doesn't. Some fear being outed more than they fear being cheated on. Takes all kinds to make up this world, and there are many things that some can accept that others cannot. Blackmail is an ugly thing.

[TiffanyTgirl]

Thank yo for your insight ladies. It is difficult to understand the situation if you aren't familiar with all the facts. It is hard to do this in a summation post. We both hurt each other deeply and I don't dwell on it. To me, she still does. And maybe this will be how she gets closure. I guess I will just keep working through things Thanks Again!

[JamieDP]

That after 1 near marriage, 1 marriage and divorce and now into a 2nd marriage....SO's ...the genetic females that I have encountered use mistakes I make not just for something she wants but even in the heat of arguments and discussions to take away any emphasis placed on her...in other words there has always been a "you're not so perfect either" response from the women in my life...and as I understand the women in my other male friends lives. When stepping back, men do it as well but in a different way- we dont dwell on the old mistakes as much as the current one and look to the solution, but your SO's response might be a defense mechanism in her mind to not just use as a barganing chip, but to remind you that "you're not so perfect" because in this case she may not be feeling 100% confident in herself, a common reaction with many SO's when they become more involved or become aware of their partners CDing. I've read and heard now many SO's that feel a bit self concious or a bit "off their game" or a little threatened by an SO who CD's.

Also partners are often a reflection of ourselves in someways. There is also the possibility that she reflecting your approach to her. How did you tell her about yoru CDing? Is it possible you used something, perhaps a mistake of hers or something she was vunerable with to introduce or to extend your CDing around her? Maybe she say you as using it as a barganing chip...

Now that is just getting the benefit of the doubt....but to me it is really manipulative.

Example: my ex-wife, used to hold stuff over my head. She knew that I liked to wear women's garments from time to time, but never participated or saw me wearing them at least to my knowledge. Anyway she used to try use my mistakes or my CDing especially as a way to sort of emotionally blackmail me. Sometimes financially, etc. (See what media talks about is emotional abuse and physical abuse of women, no one see's financial abuse as a disorder - i may be alone there). Anway, she wanted something and I proceeded to say not now maybe in a few months. She wanted it so bad she told one of my coworkers that I liked to wear panties. Needless to say that person told the manager and I was tranferred to another location. I didn;t know she told, but it was about a month after the transfer when the commute was hitting our pockets deeper and I was angry, talking about changing jobs. In a moment she felt bad about what she did - she told me she told them at my job and when. I actually kicked my ex-wife out of the car then. It was the end of a relationship - the trust was totally gone at that point.

I guess my point - be careful of how this behavior can grow over several years if not checked.

[sweet_pea_07]

Women tend to be a bit juvenile at times...but, i wouldn't hold it against her.

She may be going thru some emotional changes and is feeling a bit ignored, left out or something.

Or maybe she's trying to see how far she can go without you saying anything...

I dunno

[DanaR]

Here is a book that I would suggest you read:

When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right
ISBN: 0060923695
Author: Ann Jones; Susan Schechter
Publisher: Harper Paperbacks


I found this book to be an interesting look at controlling behavior. What I found interesting is that to some degree, we can all control.

[Sally2005]

You need to do a balancing act. The next time something is held up against you, say 'Oh that reminds me of the time <fill in most embarassing or awkward situation you can remember that your SO wishes you would forget>' and then keep going on and on about it until she forgets what the original conversation was. Do it in good humor though. Also repeat every time she tries to manipulate you. The behavior will soon change. Also, one way to keep CDing blackmale in check is to have her participate to some level, then if she tries to hold it up against you, you stretch the truth so far that it makes it look like she is the one who caused it... works every time.

[TGMarla]

Some women have a tendency to never forget any wrong. The keep them neatly stored in a cabinet in their heads, and serve them up to you on a silver platter whenever you need to be put where you belong.

No offense to any of the GGs here, but you know it's true!

[Brynna M]

Just my opinion...This is emotional blackmail. Sounds like no one is sure to what degree she is aware of this. At some point you have to just stand your ground. You still have to take her viewpoint into consideration and compromise and not give into blackmail even if you would have easily given in had it been asked another way.

Also I think you do need outside help with this.

Good luck and I hope you and your so come to a real mutualy beneficial understanding.

[Melora]

Keep it in the closet or open up the closet.. You will Have to clean up the clutter.

[Satrana]

I have voiced this point of view to her and while she says that is not the case, her actions stand.

My favorite saying is actions speak louder than words. Always rely on a person's actions as they revel their true intention, words are usually designed to mask the true intention.

You also point out that she is using delaying tactics, telling you what you want to hear with no intention of actually following through on her promises. I have been down that road myself, always being tempted into thinking that this time she really means it even though deep down I know it is not true. Then I repeat my mistake over and over again and end up digging myself a deeper hole of misery.

I suggest that some up-front straight talking is required here with definite promises that must be met. You have to get out of this cycle of being led by the nose with empty words. I think you know this already, you just lack the confidence to address the issue head-on. It is time to call her bluff. She has to know you mean business.