gift or curse?

[cdwales]

it s often said that our cding is a gift sorry but i don t feel that way a the momment i ve always loved dressing but 2 days ago my wife found some photos of me in her lingerie and heels on our pc and i think it could be all over(altough she knew she d never seen me like it and told me never to touch her stuff ) now she s thrown out all her lingerie and is crying all the time i thing s are not looking good at all and we ve got 3 kids and i love her and them to bits ,but i just can t help myself i just don t know what to do.

[jill s]

I'm so sorry, being caught by my wife was a huge fear I had for 2o+ years. I hope it turns out for both of you.

[Jessica Jane]

If you haven't already, tell her how much you love her ....and that there are far worse things you could have done or been....If your wife is anything like mine she won't be happy with dressing up...but surely that is better than an unfaithful husband or someone with drink/violence problems....it is part of who you are...ok so she told you not to use her stuff...maybe offer to replace it and promise you will not use hers again....

I do know this situation maybe I was lucky but after the tears and argument she loved me and a compromise was reached, I really hope it works out for you.
Luv Jess

(P.S we have our third child on the way!)

[Carol A]

I believe in my case it's both, as a gift as long as I dress my age and don't get dolled up to much I can pass in public easy. Also as a gift my wife is understanding loving and lets me dress everyday. Now the curse is I spend to much money on clothes and my wife has told me I have more cloths then she ever owned. A curse as if I see it and like it I buy it. :doh:

[TGMarla]

To me it's both. There is a part of me that wishes I had never slipped on that first pair of pantyhose. But since that was about 35 years ago, I guess I'm stuck with it. I love being dressed. But I sometimes wish I hadn't crossed paths with crossdressing. It has done as much harm as good to me.

As for you, you need to nip this in the bud. You need to be the one to approach her. You need damage control. You owe it to her. You were the one who rummaged through her things. She is the injured party. The longer you wait to try and heal a wound, the more it can fester.

You can try to explain it to her, but likely you don't know yourself why you do this. But many many people do it, and you're not a freak. She probably thinks you're a pervert with homosexual tendencies....the imagination can run wild when left to its own devices. Sit with her and begin a dialogue. The only way around this mountain is through it. So start tunnelling.

[Magickman]

Another reason not to get married.

If a report surfaced of a man ordering his wife not to wear trousers, there would be a general outcry. Balderdash!

[cdwales]

she s making my life hell took the kids out without me can t say anything to her and said not to go near her never ever buy her clothes again(if she stays) and won t even look at me!

[celeste26]

I'm very sorry for you but you cant un-ring that bell it will never be the way it was. You can only hope that there is some residual love she has for you, deep down inside that she will begin to stop the ranting and begin to calm down.

This is another sad negative example of why it is so important to tell our S/O's about our CDing at the first sign of a relationship getting serious. Obviously you couldn't have gotten this message from us since your such a new comer, but we have been advising this for a long time here.

We can only send you our best and hope that everything turns out well for you, keep you in our prayers and just maybe if there is another member in Wales they might come and visit you.

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Julie..My wife reacted in pretty much the same way as your,s when she first found out. She threw anything she thought i may have worn away, cryed all the time, refused to talk about it and took the kids out without me.
I decided the best way to handle it at the time was just to give her time to herself and not mention it until she was ready.
For a month we hardly spoke and slept in separate rooms, i tryed my best to keep her happy and redecorated the whole house, i also spent as much time as i could with the kids, giving her time to herself to try and decide what she wanted to do.
We eventually talked things through and decided to give things another go for the sake of the children, provided i never crossdressed ever again.
I gave up the "dressing", but in our case it never really worked out, she just couldn,t get the idea that i,d want to "dress" again at some point out of her head!!

Be prepared to do a lot of soul searching and talking with your wife. Be prepared for the worst!

Good luck Julie and i hope everything works out ok for you both,
:hugs:Debs

BTW..The reason i never told my wife before we got married was that i hadn,t dressed in the whole time i had known her and thought i was "cured"!!!!

Oh..It,s gift...You just need to know how to use it!!

[MJ]

it's only a gift if you know how to use it the right way ..

i am so sorry you are going through this i do hope you and yours can work this out .
let her know how much you love her. and try to get some information for her to read . shelly p as great information sit her down and show her..
i wish you both all the best

[Kayla Shadows]

I agree with MJ.Its a gift if you use it the right way.If she told you not to touch her stuff,then it was choice,not crossdressing, that caused trouble.I am still very sorry to hear about this.We have to be careful with the way we go about things.

[docrobbysherry]

Sometimes if u have a troubled marriage, the wife mite jump on CDing like it's your mistress! Was she already unhappy? Maybe u were, too. That can excerbate a person's CDing. It did for me!

Sometimes people will attack u for something they can their teeth into. Like CDing. When they were actually unhappy in general, and just couldn't find any way to blame u for it.

[Mirani]

Not a criticism for it is not "wrong" to be a crossdresser or TG - but an observation on behaviours and their effect, which may help to have a fuller picture:

It probably isn't "just" the crossdressing. Tho' that itself would be at best just a surprise but for someone who doesn't understand the issues at worst it is "evil" or a psychological illness needing a cure.

From a perspective of an observer you could say that she has been deceived, her clothes (and thus herself) violated and dependant upon the type of pictures on your computer, either shocked or sickened. Also, if the photos have been posted anywhere, that would add to the pain and betrayal.

This is not said to make you feel "a bad person" - I do understand the stresses and strains of being a crossdresser in a non accepting relationship and how sometimes our behaviour is secretive and selfish (as is meeting a personal need).

I wish you every success in repairing the situation. As I am sure you already know, you will need to demonstrate your love by accepting what your behaviour has done (please do not think I am saying crossdressing per se is wrong - I certainly do not believe that) and that deception, secrecy, and violation are serious issues in a relationship, whatever the cause, no matter that we sometimes reconcile those things in our own minds because of our "need".

My thoughts are with you. Keep trying - give it all you have and the focus of your energies.

[Nicole Erin]

So she is acting childish about this?
Just give her time to get over it.

And I think being CD is a gift.

[Suzy Harrison]

I can see why she's really upset. It's not just the fact she saw photos of you in lingerie - but also that it was her lingerie - she would be feeling a little violated to say the least.

If I was you, I think I would take time to write her a very long hearfelt letter - and ask her to read it, maybe not now but when she feels up to it.

I truly hope it all works out for both of you.

Of course it's a gift when everything works well, but a curse if it doesn't.

take care :hugs: Suzy

[Sandra]

She saw pic of you wearing her lingerie that she told you not to touch, no wonder she reacted as she did, you shouldn't have been wearing them.

Seems like you've got a lot of talking and reassuring to do, and from what you've said it's going to take a lot of time to try and get this sorted.

As to the question,

I don't think it's a gift or a curse, it's who you are.

[shannonsilk]

my thoughts are with you. I like the idea of writing her a letter, 'cause then seh can read it when she's ready.

wearing her clothing was a mistake. You should aplogize, IMHO.

[DanaR]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that everything will work out, give her some time. Meanwhile you might consider talking to a counselor or ask your wife if she would go with you to couples counseling. If you do decide to go to a counselor, find one that has some experience in transgender counseling. That way you won’t have to train one. Where do you live?

[charlie]

I really do not see the gift part at all. I was so much better one year ago when I did not dress and did not have the desire to be in female clothes. Now I am a sneak, I dress away from home and when on business. I can't be done with the rush of dressing and going out either. I am addicted to getting made up and wearing frilly soft clothes! Is this a gift?

[kim85]

She saw pic of you wearing her lingerie that she told you not to touch, no wonder she reacted as she did, you shouldn't have been wearing them.

Seems like you've got a lot of talking and reassuring to do, and from what you've said it's going to take a lot of time to try and get this sorted.

As to the question,

I don't think it's a gift or a curse, it's who you are.

Couldn't of said it better myself Sandra

At the moment your SO may be feeling hurt. She asked you not to wear her things and you have. She may now be wondering what else you have been doing.
I feel for you and your suituation and i hope things get better.

Kim
xxx

[Sophia KT]

I really do not see the gift part at all. I was so much better one year ago when I did not dress and did not have the desire to be in female clothes. Now I am a sneak, I dress away from home and when on business. I can't be done with the rush of dressing and going out either. I am addicted to getting made up and wearing frilly soft clothes! Is this a gift?

Please,

It is a gift because you feel delightful, don't you?

As gifts go it is one of the ones you give yourself, but it is not a mercenary thing. If we have to hide then that is because of other's ignorance of the feelings, urges, we have.

You are not a sneak, it is a fragile situation, that's all [In my opinion, and you don't have to agre if you don't want to].

Soff's

[melissacd]

In as much as it may not seem that way at this moment and in this context, cross dressing is a gift. It has taken away a great deal and I will not go into all of that here (read my posts from the past), however, it has given me back my life. By connecting with who I really am, who I really am, I am beginning to become a whole person again, the anger, shame and guilt are slowly dissipating, my health is improving, I have made more wonderful supportive friends than I have ever known in my life and I found out that my ex wife did not love me as much as I thought she did and so while it is always sad that a long term relationship ends it is better that she and I both move on to relationships that will better fulfill who we really are and really need to be in this life.

You need to find a way to talk to your wife about this and there are many resources available to help you through this (books, videos, therapists, friends...PM me if you want specifics). If you relationship ends over this, I have to believe that there was more wrong than just cross dressing. In as much as my ex said that it was only the cross dressing I know upon reflection that that is just not true, there was so much more wrong than that.

If the relationship is sound and you communicate with her and lovingly work your way through this you will keep your relationship and find the gift, the gold at the end of the cross dressing rainbow. If the relationship fails because you are true to yourself then stay the course and you will still find the treasure because it is there to be found.

Huggs
Melissa

[AKAMichelle]

First off - sorry you are having it so hard. Hang in there. You have reached a fork in the road. Let things work themselves out.

I have asked this question before and got the typical responses. It's a gift because we understand women better. yah! yah!

In reality I view it as a curse of some type. It's not the really bad kind where you are going to hell but it sure seems like it at times. What I fail to understand from the people saying it is a gift is why bad things so often accompany crossdressing? If it is a true gift then people ought to recognize it as such and embrace it. Often times that is not the case. That's why I feel like it is a curse.

We are different from most other men. You wouldn't catch most men in a dress, but we love them. We even worry about the right color, style, shoes, eyeshadow, jewelry and purse. We understand what it means to have the entire outfit put together. :D

The best that most of us can expect from our SO's is understanding and acceptance. My wife is not very accepting. She calls it a fetish and wants nothing to do with it. Some gift :devil:

I hope things improve. Just take it easy and things will even out over time. You may have to decide what is most important in your life and tell her so.