Is this worth your family?

[tgirlinva]

I have yet to come out to my family.... but I'm thinking. When I do and they don't accept me as I am and basically give me an ultimatum (which I'm 99% sure they will). What would you do? You can always get new friends, you can always get a new job, but your family? I have spent restless nights thinking what I'd do. You hear it everyday about people giving up their family and say "if u don't love me for who i am, then you don't love me", "who cares about them, it's my life", etc. However, i've always been sort of a people pleaser and would really rather see myself unhappy than see my family suffer through that agony. yet on the other side, it's a life sentence of unhappiness and living the way that isn't truly me. it's like a lose-lose situation. i'm not sure what i'm asking for really. support i guess.

[DemonicDaughter]

You rather answered your own question, no? Its an individual choice and only you can decide. Just remember, sometimes people don't act they way we think they will. Some better some worse.

[Joy Carter]

If they truly love you, they will love you no matter what you are. You just need to tell them in the right way. And they will need to decide what is acceptable, to them as far as you being a CD.

[Sharon]

I truly hope all goes well for you, and I wish you the best of luck. :)

Family, as well as friends, are really tough to figure out as to who will acccept you and who won't. And then there are those who do accept you, but need some time to arrive at the decision. I know that in my family, everyone but two of my kids treat me as well as ever if not more so. My heart aches for the kids, but I haven't given up that they will ultimately decide to let me back into their lives.

Don't expect your nervousness to go away until after you speak with your family, because it won't. But the relief you will feel after telling them is indescribable.

Once again -- good luck!

[Cathii]

Family can be extremely unpredictable. I guess I am lucky in that only my brother has truly rejected me. My gf at the time I came out decided she couldn't live with it, but is still a good friend and a big supporter.

My eldest daughter, now 20yo, went from not speaking to me at all, to being one of the people I trust the most in this life to talk to about my thoughts and feelings, and her with me.

My youngest daughter at the age of 13 couldn't handle, process or understand it and for two years I didn't hear from her at all after she moved back to her mother's place on the other side of the country. We now have a strained but growing relationship as she begins to come to terms with the fact that I haven't changed, only my name and the way I dress has changed in all reality.

The point here is that after having been a single father to my girls I read them all wrong. I thought my eldest was going to reject me outright and that my youngest would understand and be totally accepting. I thought my mother would freak and that the only family I would be able to contact would be my sister.

Sometimes people surprise you, sometimes they disappoint you, but what ever you do please don't try to pre-judge what they will do.

Cathii

[GypsyKaren]

Nothing in life is free, and if it comes easy it's not worth having, so you have to decide how deep you're willing to dig into your pockets for your freedom to be yourself, and I'm not talking about money here.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Jan W]

Dear tgirlinva,

My SO knows about Jan. When I suggested I tell my daughters she asked me not to. She said "if my dad was doing it I would rather not know"

I do realise that people are different but this one conversation in particular has made me think a lot.

The other point is that once the cat is out of the bag there is no going back.

Good luck.


Jan

[helenr]

I wish there were a certain path to take.I believe everyone has offered sensible advice and experiences. Possibly 'education' of this topic might be a good precursor to you 'coming out'--I am thinking well written books explaining what crossdressing/transgenderism,etc might help your family understand. But a person's 'innate' reaction is pretty hard to overcome. good luck, Helen

[jex111]

I sympathise with the problem. My wife knows about Jan, and is tolerasnt but not supportive and simply hopes that it will all go away......it won't. I have two sons and agonise over how to open up the topic to them. I currently have a great relationship with them as their father. One is early 20's the other 19.
I could not bear to lose either relationship and spen many agonising hours turning the pros and cons over in my mind. I realise that no one can give me the right answer and sadly thats the place that you are in. If it helps I an in that spot too
Jan

[DanaR]

Family members are interesting, in the way that they'll react. My youngest daughter found out about me, about 14 years ago when she was 19. She went ballistic and told her two sisters. The oldest has gone with me to a couple CD functions and somewhat accepted it initially, but has never said anything to me since. The middle daughter has never talked to me about and buried it. The youngest daughter has said some of the most horrible things to me about this that I've ever heard. I spent a lot of time crying after some of her tirades. Since finding out, the youngest has slowly become friends with me again, but it took years to get there. Before she found out, we were very close.

If you need to tell someone in your family, search out the one that you think might be the most understanding and compassionate.

[tamarav]

I read into your post that you have already accepted rejection even before it happened. You are setting yourself up for "failure" without a good reason. As all of the respondents have noted, people react differently than you might think.

If in your heart you actually know that there will be rejection, then my question is why you want to put yourself through a life of misery by simply accepting the rejection.

All my life my Father used a phrase that was sorta like, "Should have, could have" or in today's terminology (should a, could a, would a) to point out that if we don't take a chance in life there will never be other opportunites. When I told him of my TGism, he laughed and said "Should have, could have, we knew anyway, so what are we eating tonight? That was it.

The choice will always remain with you, regardless of the any advice you may accept.

Tami

[Sandi jo]

You will know much better than anyone,talking it out is the best way.Hope everything works out well no matter what you choose

[melissaK]

IMHO, its mostly about credibility/trust/honesty.

Much may depend on how close to being your TG self your were in the years before you tell. Family and friends can feel very betrayed if you were a great role player. If you fully hid your TG issues, and fully played the stereotypical male head of household role of say Ward Cleaver (or Bill Cosby - pick your generation; or flip to June Cleaver or Carol Brady if you're a FTM), when you tell, you can upset a lot of people who, from their point of view, feel that you've been lying to them, that they didn't really know "you" at all. Very destabilizing to children who anchor themselves upon your rock; very destabilizing to friends who do likewise.

If you lived close to your TG feelings, (i.e. for a MTF, did the not so manly sort of things, wore your hair long, wore soft colors, engaged in girl talk, hung out in the kitchen with the women intead of the in front of the TV with the guys), then you may get a "well doh!" response when you do tell.

If you have a big gap between who you are inside and who you look to be from the ouitside, you "might" want to just start changing the outward you a little at a time. Sort of soften the blow by letting them get to know "you" over a longer period of time.

Your particular family's view of tolerance may matter too. A family that is open and nonjudgmental will, in theory, take it better than one which extoles and perpertuates racial, religious, political, or socioeconomic boundaries. Those values probably have deep roots established by upbringing and won't be reversable by you unless you by age or economic success, have enough standing in your family tribe to influence them.

hugs,
'lissa

[MJ]

well i did and lost everything . but after 4 years things can turn around :--
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1262402#post1262402. but is it worth it ..

[Miss Tessa]

The feelings a transsexual has only gets more intense over time. I don't know about CD's or TV's.... But they do for TS's.

Eventually you will need to decide how you want to live in order to be happy.

40% of TS people who don't transition commit suicide at some time in their life.

[Sejd]

Hi Tgirlinva
you are not being very specific when you say: your family. Do you mean, your wife and children or do you mean your parents, brothers and sisters??
I am reading your post, and I think you are making your problem too much of a "Leave or take all" kind'a thing. Coming out to your relatives is a process, which at first may be painfull, but ultimately give all a chance to grow. If you are afraid of losing your wife - well, that is a real posibility, but not nesecarily a given result. Many TG persons have stayed with their partners, myself included. It takes a lot of work, but for some it is possible. You write that you are a "People pleaser" well dear, arren't we all to some extent. Face it, we all want to be loved. That does not mean that you have to live in hiding for the rest of your life though.
Good luck sister.
hugs
Sejd

[melissaK]

40% of TS people who don't transition commit suicide at some time in their life.

Well I need to ask for a footnote on this one. Not disagreeing, that's just not a statistic I have seen. (and perhaps 'attempt' suicide is what you meant).

I do agree with the first part of your post. The intensifying with time is often reported by therapists in the field. Unresolved, emotional breakdowns result. And it sure is true for me.

hugs,
lissa

[Lisa Golightly]

I don't like ultimatums, and to be totally truthful I didn't try to stop those who wanted to walk away.

[Nicki B]

40% of TS people who don't transition commit suicide at some time in their life.

Presumably most of them do it at the end... :hiding:



Inva - just a thought - is there perhaps one person in your family that you could tell, who would then be your ally/help in winning over others?

[Janet Nicola]

It's not long ago I had to do this. It's not easy, I was married 29 years and have 3 grown up children. I was pretty sure of 99% rejection, but as it turned out, while we are no longer together, I am still on good terms with my ex, and 2 out of my 3 kids are ok with it, one particularly.

Compare the alternative and judge if you can be happy being unhappy in your soul. Some can do that, but it takes being a very strong person to go either way.

[kim85]

As many of the others have said its a personal choice. You never know im time your family may be more comfortable with the change. You have to admit its a big change for anyone to accept even harder for your family because they have knowin you all your life as your other self.
Good luck and keep us updated
Kim
xxx

[deja true]

...You hear it everyday about people giving up their family and say "if u don't love me for who i am, then you don't love me", "who cares about them, it's my life", etc...


Actually, hun, you DON'T hear this everyday...Virtually every post on this thread so far has told you about how the folks here have agonised over what the effects of their decision to tell have caused them to suffer.

Do not put yourself into that tiny category (the Dr.Phil and Springer strange-o's). Your concern is obvious.

Have you had or would you consider any type of counselling to help you work through this? A good therapist's questions can help you get your own mind in order as far as your next steps.

We mostly counsel being up front here, but we also realise that there are many, many exceptions to that ideal. And for too many of us, there is no option but to remain in the closet.

Good luck to you, dear one. We hope that you can figure out a way out of your difficult decision without causing the hurt you dread.

respect & love,

deja

[C.J.]

My only piece of advice for you is to tell who you feel comfortable telling. Your most trusted family member, maybe? And if they don't accept you right away, they more than likely will over time. You shouldn't base your actions on what you think someone might do...Because if you do, how would you ever truly know what their actual reaction will be? Their actions may in fact surprise you.

- C.J.

[DebsD]

Hi, just to let u know i have come out to all my family recently, quite a large one with several siblings etc etc, I have one brother in law who is not really funny with me but is not the same since, everybody else has been brilliant, my 2 sister in laws even donating clothing and advice etc etc, i was really scared to tell my father i thought he would disown me but he has been brilliant, we even went for a walk and went into a bar for drink while i was dressed!! Sadly the only one who not take it too well is my wife, which makes me sad but i can understand totally,i need to transition so we have reached the end of the road, but as for family support just tell them most people are very very understanding. it`s not as hard as you think, my sister in law is now my best friend we talk daily she gives me loads of help and advice, prior to me coming out we barely spoke!!!!

[CaptLex]

I have one brother in law who is not really funny with me but is not the same since . . . my sister in law is now my best friend we talk daily she gives me loads of help and advice, prior to me coming out we barely spoke!!!!
Debs,

I've sort of had the same thing happen to me in reverse - guys who barely gave me the time of day before have befriended me, and women who were much friendlier to me now don't seem to know what to say to me. It could be that he is wary of saying the wrong thing to you or may feel that he can't relate to you now 'cause you're on the other side of the fence, and she feels the other way around? What can I say, people have their own issues sometimes. :p

[AKAMichelle]

Since I have never transitioned and been through that experience, I can only tell you about my family going through a divorce.

My father and bother told me to "Go To H..." They wouldn't talk to me because I wouldn't turn on my mother who was having an affair. I didn't agree with her affair but I knew everything would even out over time.

I am now talking with my father, but not my brother. Time heels a lot of wounds. The one thing you have to remember is to true with yourself.

[KeriB]

This is the big sitcking point for me at the moment me thinks.... I am married, I have kids, a great job (which would not be affected..) and obligations I obviously take seriously. So.. the question is what defines "selfish" and who gets to define that for me or anyone else? I'm in therapy and actively considering transition (well, I'm transitioning now really just at a slow pace...), my wife and I have had some convos, but really it's considering all the risks/rewards.. i.e. how much is happiness worth... I don't really care about losing friendships, but I have this probably unrealistic idea of preserving my marriage in some shape, and not alienating my 10 year-old... certainly the hardest decision I've ever faced.

[Joanne f]

It is a very difficult question to answer as only you know how you feel and how you think that your family will react to it , but i think that it has a lot to do with how deep your are into it , a closet CD can cope with keeping it a secret where as a TS has to get it out at some point or it will eat away at you you have to decide where you fit in in scale and go from there .




joanne

[AmandaM]

It's not worth it since my kids are young. Maybe, after they move out.