So much for talking

[Stephenie]

Well I didn't get the chance to talk about so kind of compromize. Last night We were claening up the house and doing laundry when she started in about CDing and that she would not live with it. That if I wanted to then I should get out.

Well this was something of a shock since I have not dressed for quite some time and had not yet tried to talk with her about it. But she did make her self very clear on where she stands on the subject. There will be no compromise. So it's either not at all, the closet or the road. At least I don't think I said anything that would take away my choices before I can decide.


What a load of c**p. I guess love does not cover all things.

[Michelle-NC]

Sorry to that Stephanie... Doesn't sound like she is even willing to discuss or listen.

[Roberta Lynn]

Sorry to hear about that Stephanie.
Unfortunately some people can't or won't ever except Cross-Dressing.
Would she be willing to take a don't ask , don't tell stance?

[Emily Ann Brown]

It sounds like she knew that you had before, and is making sure you know her current feelings. And nope, I don't see wiggle room in her statement.


Emily Ann

[jennCD]

...perhaps it was spurred on by her finding some of Stephenie's things?

:)
jenn

[paulaluvssz8]

yeah, that is the same response that I fear. I did tell my wife years ago. And she gave me the same response that your SO just gave you. I still dress, but it is don't ask don't tell. I have gotten caught a few times with panties and bras. I had to lie about them being for her. She didn't believe me, she just went along with it to avoid the big bang.... You should keep it hid, and expect the worst will happen, or just decide if you want to stay married. I don't want to live without my SO so I just hide it for now.

[Melanie R]

Stephenie,

Being a crossdresser is a part of who you are and some of the qualities of being a crossdresser is hopefully why your wife fell in love with you in the beginning. Is there love in your relationship and how is the communication? How long have you been married and are there children at home?

It is true that some wives will never accept the reality that their husbands have a large feminine component to their being that must be expressed through crossdressing. Yes, you can go back in the closet, but there will be a price to pay. You can tell her that this is who you are and this part of you is not a choice. If in time she can't accept this, your marriage may be over.

I wish you well.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Nicole Erin]

If you can afford it, get a divorce.

If she is like this, then you are probably sacrificing a lot more than your femme side to keep this woman happy.

You know here is the thing, people come and go in life. [You can tell I hold relationships in high regard.]

I get tired fo hearing how wives will not "let" their CD SO's dress.

If things are that bad, why don't people just leave the wife and get on with life?

[Shelly Preston]

Sorry to hear that Stephanie

It sounds as though she has not even willing to discuss the issue which makes things even more difficult

Even if she could live with not seeing it would be better

I dont like ultimatiums as they have a habit of ending badly :sad:

Goood luck :hugs:

[Littlej10]

So sorry to hear of your predicament. I have a similar situation and am currently surviving on a don't want to know so things are tolerably equable as long as there is nothing visible.

It can be difficult to break strong emotional ties and this may be your best compromise.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Nadia-Maria]

I would suggest to Stephanie to look for a good marriage counselor for help.



If things are that bad, why don't people just leave the wife and get on with life?

You are asking a very good question, Miss Erin.
Generally speaking - and not for Stephenie in particular
- I just feel very sorry for her since her situation is very painful -
I believe that not everybody can be in control oh his/her life.
It has to be learnt.

Many people let themselves be the toy of various strengthes around them. Sometimes things go well, sometimes things go bad, but they do seem to have little control about them. For them it's as if it were a matter of luck and unluck.
They have to learn they can be more in control of their life.

Hugs

Nadia

[Eugenie]

It is tough when the SO doesn't want to discuss the matter...

I've been there, even though my situation was not as bad: she wanted to have nothing to do with it and gave me some difficult timeson some occasions, but it was an accepted "secret"...

If you could get to that point to begin with, it might be far more tolerable... Having to hide would have been beyond my possibilities...

Now, on a more positive side, after almost 30 years of "silence" we finaly came to a real discussion, not one where one of the two tels the other"It is this way and I won't change anything in my way." This isn't a discussion it is a dictat. Note that this applies to both partners.

So on the basis of our discussion we came to compromises that seem to be satisfactory to both of us. Not perfect, but far better than it was before...

I wish you all the best.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Ruth]

What is at the bottom of this situation and many others is the depth of regard that you as a couple have for one another. I use the word regard because it's more complex than just affection. If you are true soulmates and complete each other's life, then there is room for a lot of behaviour on both sides that is not directly nourishing to the relationship. I would class MtF CDing in this category.
But if the relationship is a fairly shallow one, something like CDing can loom so large, it overpowers the positive attraction that is going on.
And I'm also fairly sure that CDing can't be buried for the sake of a relationship. At least, it can be buried but it won't stay under.
The way forward is to work on the relationship to make it strong enough to accommodate CDing. Easier said than done, I know, but nobody says life is easy.

[Julie York]

There's a rather large lump of information missing here. You aren't giving us the full picture.

How long has she known about the fact that you are a CD?
Why did she choose to erupt about it now, so emotionally that she gave you an ultimatum that could end your marriage?

[Stephenie]

So here is some of what may not have been said in first post.

We have been married for 26yrs have alot of kids counting the ones she had when we married and the ones we adopted (all special needs) four still at home two below 6 in age

I'm 50 years old

She has known a little for 15 yrs and 3 yrs ago told her everything except Stephenie's name.

When I told her it did not go well and after some counciling she went to, she decided that she would not accept it.

what set her off has getting clothes ready for the wash and when she was getting her undies ready she started saying that she was still upset and that she would not accept it from me.

I tried to stay calm and told her that she being overly suspisous. ( I had not dressed since getting rid of all my stuff some time ago and have not replaced it nor borrowed hers) She just went on and on and then said that I could just get out if I wanted to dress up and that she would divorce me rather than accept it as aprt of our marrage.

She made it very clear to me what would happen if I were caught. Which would be some what likely with her so suspisous.


Great corner I've painted myself into. Just getting more depressed thinking about it.

I may hid it from her but I have not betrayed her, I am not trying to hurt her or anyone else. But any choice I have now will hurt some one. Me or her or the kids. I can't see any life ahead that is not me alone, alnoe in my head or in everything, niether way would be what I want.

Stephenie:cry:

[Jodie_Lynn]

Oh Stephanie, I'm so sorry for you. I have no advice to give you. It is a very difficult situation.
I hope that things will get better for you both. Somehow.

[Stephenie]

Thanks everyone for you kind thoughts.

[DanaR]

Stephenie,

Being a crossdresser is a part of who you are and some of the qualities of being a crossdresser is hopefully why your wife fell in love with you in the beginning. Is there love in your relationship and how is the communication? How long have you been married and are there children at home?

It is true that some wives will never accept the reality that their husbands have a large feminine component to their being that must be expressed through crossdressing. Yes, you can go back in the closet, but there will be a price to pay. You can tell her that this is who you are and this part of you is not a choice. If in time she can't accept this, your marriage may be over.

I wish you well.

Hugs,

Melanie

Stephanie,

I'm sorry but I think that Melanie is right! Your wife wants to you to compromise your feelings, but won't compromise how she feels. Feelings are neither right or wrong, but the way we feel. So understanding another's feelings, is what would allow a relationship to grow.

[Julie York]

Sounds to me like she doesn't mean what she says.
If you looked her in the eye and said....."Yeah you're right. I'm off then," she'd probably have a heart attack.

But giving ultimatums is nasty. It's a bullying tactic used by someone who feels scared.

[MentalMercury]

My condolences as well.. it might not be the most pleasant thing to hear but you should choose yourself over her. Having to be sneaky and feel like crap about crossdressing the rest of your time with her isn't worth it (in my opinion).

[deja true]

I HATE threads like this! A situation where somebody gets hurt no matter which way things happen.

I think, I hope, that Julie Y's right, that your wife's ultimatum is a panic effort to finally come to some sort of conclusion that she finds acceptable.

Are you still on good enough terms with her to suggest counselling again? If so find a counsellor with experience in gender issues. Your wife's last counsellor did you and her a great disservice.

Refusal to compromise doesn't sound anything like love to me.

Good luck to you, Steph. You're gonna need it and a lot of courage to see yourself through this...

deja

[TGMarla]

Are you married? Marriage is about compromise and commitment, not about ultimatums. She has a right to not like your CDing. But she has no right to give you ultimatums about it. You have a right to a dialogue and a compromise. Not all marriages work out, but those that do learn to adapt.

[Jodianne]

Really sorry to hear this Stephanie as we all need a bit of compromise and a lot of happiness in our lives. Could it be partly due to her losing her "normal" life, fear of what friends and family will think or wondering how the kids will cope. Having 4 kids at home, 2 under 6 and all special needs must take a lot of work from both of you - perhaps she needs some time to herself too. Is it possible for each of you to have some me time each day/week????

[KatrinaAshley]

Where do women get the nerve to be so demanding and stubborn without discussing anything?

[NicoleScott]

An old saying goes "Never give someone a choice you don't want them to take". You've been given a choice.
Another old saying goes: "Never promise something you can't deliver".

[Jodi]

Sounds like she is prepping to dump you. Looking for a good excuse. What ever you do--do not move out. If she doesn't like it, tell her to move out. This has to do with possession of property when the divorce is filed.

Also, wise to talk to a good lawyer now. Be prepared because the divorce is coming.

Jodi

[heidi99]

Wow, that's quite a sticky situation, Steph! It sounds like there is loss in most directions, so it might be best to examine which path leads to the "least loss?"

Is she the only one that knows? Obviously, the kids probably don't since they are so young. When I was facing something similar, I "pre-emptively" told those that mattered most to me, thus taking away one of her weapons. Of course, this might be alright if you are thinking of divorce. Since there are kids involved, it might be expensive child-support wise. Might want to consult an attorney to investigate your options.

I find it incredible that even though you haven't been doing anything for a while, you are still being smacked around for it.

I don't know that I've helped any. I hope things work out for you.

[Huntress]

Ultimatum. Hmmmm? Get you to the Battlements and Bulwarks. Unless she is still the love of your life: She's fired. If she loved you she would be prepared to Flex. No Flex, no love. You are being used.:2c:

Huntress

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

its her problem so she needs to leave if she cant "deal" with it...
would she rather you be a drunkin wife beater????

how many times in your relationship/marrage did she "borrow" ANY of your man clothes to wear???dont matter the reason for the "borrow"

BTW..in my eyes ANY female wearing pants is crossdressed......:2c:

[Stephenie]

Thank you all for listening to my problems, One of the hardest things is not having some one to talk with. I have alot of thinking to do. I can see that she is thinking to. I think she might be waiting to see what I decide.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Steph sis,


Her attitude sounds identical with what I went through before my divorce. She found out, demanded total eradication and abstinence. I complied for 6 months. The whole time she was in a total snit of a mood. When I asked her why she just replied I wasn't the same anymore and she couldn't trust me.

One day during another Spanish Inquisition I asked what it was gonna take for her to get back to happy, and her answer in a nutshell was "when you toss your cookies just thinking of the possibility of even touching a piece of female clothing". I confessed that while I had faithfully kept my pledge to physically not dress I had mentally dressed many times and always would, and I couldn't change that. This was totally unexceptable to her so she left.

Did that make me happy? Not at all, neither of us are now totally happy, but the result, at least for me, is far better than her staying and we both remain totally miserable.


Emily Ann