Wife threatening to tell the kids

[AKAMichelle]

While 2 of my sons are grown, one of my sons is a teenager.

My wife and I have been fighting and close to a divorce. She decided today to threaten me with exposure to our sons. This today was pretty much the final straw for me.

I just wanted to know what other's experiences have been along this lines.

P.S. I immediately acted like it didn't bother me to partially call her bluff and allow me time to figure out what to do.

[Amy Hepker]

I am sorry to tell you, but she will probably tell them and she may tell a lot of others. My X even tried calling my job and telling them, luckily that had experiance her Xs before and knew thay can get down right dirty. Just hang in there. You may want to go get some Anti-depressants to help you get through these times. It is easy to show on the outside that you don't care, but I know from experiance that it is tearing you up on the inside. Most of us have gone through bad episodes like this. Hang in there, you have friends here. You are not so different from the rest of the people out there anywhere. Everyone is the way they are, and we have to be who we are. We are not murders or molesters, we are people and we have feeling too.

[Julie York]

I think that most people who are told something that 'exposes' someone else in an embarassing way, actually feel embarrassed for the person that told them, and never trust them quite the same again. I've been told things that were supposed to make me cringe about a guy but it only made me realise how unpleasant the woman was that the poor bugger had been living with all that time.

This is something that is often overlooked.

[Ayame]

Since researches think that cross dressing might be in the genes call her bluff and tell her to tell them. Tell her that if they find out your a cross dresser they might start questioning themselves. Or you could always just say there is no way the kids would believe that and just tell her that you will make something up to tell the kids if she tried that. Theres a few ways you can do this either fight fire with fire or just be passive and hope she cools down. I don't think that anything anyone tells you can be the best option because if she is bent on telling people she will no matter what you do and no one understands how she works better than you.

[deja true]

Gosh Michelle...it looks to me that the only way you can escape that battle is with a pre-emptive strike!

If you trust your kids and think they're adult enough, tell 'em first.

Remember, kids today know a lot more about the world than we think they do.

Your conscientious an calm conversation with them will heavily outweigh her frantic blame game and insulting language with your boys.

Good luck, hon...

[Fiona K]

Perhaps you should tell them yourself?
Spike her guns straight away?
Just a thought, at least that way you're in control.
Just be ready to give the full trans 101........

[Genifer Teal]

I have never been married and do not have kids of my own. From my own experince with people in general, it is far better for you to tell them than for them to hear it from someone else. The other person telling about you will be judgemental and offer their opions as well. If you explain it first, you get to put it in the best light possible and answer any questions or concers as soon as they come to mind. You will also be respected more for telling others rather than they find out behind your back.

What my sister told my brother was completely wrong. I thought she was the one (in my family) who understood. I couldn't have been more wrong. If I was in your situation, I would tell your sons and think about who else she is (probbably evetually) going to tell ASAP - as soon as you can muster the courage. It will come out in the divorce anyway. This can only give you a leg up (with your sons). At least when they hear whatever opinions she has, your words of explanation and reassurance will be in their mind to temper what she says.

Best of luck to you!

Gen

[DonnaT]

Perhaps you should tell them yourself?
Spike her guns straight away?
Just a thought, at least that way you're in control.
Just be ready to give the full trans 101........

My thoughts as well.

My wife and I had a big fight a couple of years ago, so I told our son so he'd know what the fight was about.

[Amy Hepker]

When my wife threatened to tell, I told them first. Including friends.

[Deborah Jane]

My ex wife threatened to tell everyone that i crossdress, until i explained to her that the children would probably get "flack" from the other kids at school about it!!
She changed her mind then!!
She told my daughter, who i later explained everything too and she is very accepting of it, even asking to see me "dressed".
I,ve told my oldest son, aged 13 to pre,empt her and he,s not even slightly bothered by it, just saying "your still my dad" and that it makes no differance to him.

She,s given up on the idea of telling anyone else now after i mentioned one or two things i could "let out of the bag" about her!!!

[Dawn D.]

Michelle,

I have never been in your situation and hope that i never am. However I think I can empathize with you on how you must feel. I am truely sorry to hear how aweful things are for you. Wether this is all for the best, who knows? One thing is certain, waiting on the other side of this very trying time is a much more peaceful life for you!

I feel much as Genifer does. Her point of getting it out in the open has got to be the best way to 'head your wife off at the pass', if you will. It will disarm your wife completely if you tell first. There may be shock and/or horror or there may be kindness and understanding or only confusion. But, if you act first, you get to be the one that controls the information flow and you get to put the best light on it. It seems to me that now is the time to get out in front of this thing before you lose your oppotunity and have to work from a point of disadvantage.

Again, I feel for you hun!




Dawn

[Sophia KT]

I think deep down she knows that if she shames you publicly it will hurt your children as well as her, they are unlikely to turn on you as hard as she might want. It is a pretty desperate act of vengence [in my opinion] and could well backfire on her long term.

Tell her, if she does it, you will buy a nice ladies suit for court.

Seriously though, I hope it works out.


Sophia

[robbie]

Remind her that she is putting your children in harm's way because of her anger. Does she want to hurt her children? They will love you because the love between a parent and a child is unconditional in most cases. I don't think you have done any mental harm to them. Children usually side with the parent which does not make them choose. Just be the dad to the kids no matter what and you will be ok. They will remember what your wife did and will stay angry at her for a long time. She can only hurt the kids and herself. She needs to understand that.

[Lisa Rose]

When I first came out to my 'EX' she promised not to tell anyone. My daughters knew within 2 days. With a spouse who makes threats, its going to happen. Accept the fact and move on. My daughters did. I did. And we all moved on.

[RitaCD]

My spouse (ex) did tell our kids and all of our friends and my brother and my mother and anyone else she could find. You know what. It didn't matter. They all still treat me the same. In fact I believe the kids and I are even closer than ever. I have talked with many of them and they realize that I am still the same father, brother, son, friend that they have always known.:)

[Daintre]

Tell them before she does, I didn't and it was used in the divorce proceedings. I let her have custody of our son to ensure her silence. She told all our friends and both families anyway. Tell them and then make your way to a good lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

[jamie55]

Hi Michelle: I agree with most here. Tell your children. You will be amazed how understanding and accepting the younger generation really is. All my children and grandchildren know that grandpa is a little strange but guess what they don't care. They still come over to visit grandpa and ride the tractor anyway.

[danielle_from_cal]

I agree with some of the others. If you could tell your wife, you can certainly tell your kids. And it sounds like they are going to know anyway. And while you are at it, tell them that their mother is evil. (Okay, maybe don't do that. They will figure that one out eventually.)

[JessieB]

You want I should send Guido to pay her a visit?

[MJ]

Perhaps you should tell them yourself?
Spike her guns straight away?
Just a thought, at least that way you're in control.
Just be ready to give the full trans 101........

best advice . my ex was outing me so i also told everyone .
the bigger issue is she will use this in divorce court . but at least you will be out and free

[Cherry Lynn]

I agree with those who recommend telling your sons yourself. When I was going through my divorce my ex was threatening to tell my grown son and daughter and I beat her to it and told them and my mom. She was mad because when she told they laughed at her and told her they already knew. They still treat me the same and tell me they love me.

[AKAMichelle]

I have reached a point in my life when I am tired of hiding. I don't really want to tell my sons yet, but if it happens I will deal with it. I thought about the pre-emptive stike method and decided not to at this point.

As for embarrassing me, who cares. Tell the divorce court. She can't tell my boss. I am the boss :D She can tell the clients, but she just gets less money in a divorce.

I have calmed down a lot about this from earlier. I like the comment " I will be out and free". I think that sums up my feelings the best at the moment. No more hiding, sneaking around corners or anything like that. I'm kinda of looking forward to the freedom of dressing how I like when I like. Being who I am for once.

If I ever find someone else, then I will know to tell them early on in the relationship. Thanks for all your great advice.

[Billijo49504]

JMHO I would tell the klids about you being a CD. Mine all know, no big deal. When mom tells them, and they say, so what, dad told us. She will be blown away...BJ

[Huntress]

:eek:
Buy an Axe. Wait, wait. I meant
Say goodbye to your Ex. Yeah that's it.

How can people we fall in love with, sometimes go through a horrible metamorphosis, and turn into something that does evil things?

Huntress

[sterling12]

Please, you don't really believe your kids will stop loving you if they find out. If they do, (and I doubt it) then there are other problems that are much more fundamental.

It's a hard thing to do, but I would trump her! Go ahead and tell your kids now, before she does it. Your probably going to start a new life without her, and I think you will feel a lot better about things if you get this problem out of the way.

Remember, something hidden only has power over you, as long as you keep it hidden, and allow yourself to be bothered by your guilt feelings. If you beat those kids, blew their food money on booze and dope, treated them like dirt....those are all reason's not to love you. Being a CD.....infinately small and inconsequential, and a lousy reason to not love their father. You raised them better than that, didn't you?

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nadia-Maria]

How can people we fall in love with, sometimes go through a horrible metamorphosis, and turn into something that does evil things?

My ex did a lot.
I have no accurate answer.
Maybe some psychological illness.

Hugs

Nadia

[judyk]

My ex tryed that with my son when he was 16, after much meladrama your dad's a cross dresser.
My son said so , I told him at the age of 13, so It had no inpact.

Hugs

Judyk

[yms]

I guess I have to against the grain here.

I would not tell your children yourself. If your soon-to-be ex-wife wants to use your children that way to hurt you, they will see that for what it is and react to it. Maybe not now but someday. Children grow up and see their parents for what they are.

Please try to remember that your children are also hurt by a divorce and that your crossdressing is not the most important thing here.

Rather than sit them down and tell them your are a crossdresser, tell them what they really need to hear: that you are and will always be their father and that you will always love them and be there for them.

[MJ]

I guess I have to against the grain here.

I would not tell your children yourself. If your soon-to-be ex-wife wants to use your children that way to hurt you, they will see that for what it is and react to it. Maybe not now but someday. Children grow up and see their parents for what they are.
Please try to remember that your children are also hurt by a divorce and that your cross-dressing is not the most important thing here.

Rather than sit them down and tell them your are a cross-dresser, tell them what they really need to hear: that you are and will always be their father and that you will always love them and be there for them.

I just have to QUOTE the whole message from YMS ....
now i can say This is so true .. only this week my youngest daughter 16 contacted me after 4 years we are talking and i thought she hated me .. turns out mother wanted nothing to do with me and so the kids will do the same ..
turns out my child loves me for who i am .. were meeting Friday it Izzy first time meeting me as mj...

[Emily Ann Brown]

Mark me as another sister that did a first strike after she announced we were getting a divorce to my grown kids. She threatened to tell if I didn't "get right with God" and grovel.

They still love me and think Mom is a bit over the edge.


Emily Ann

[death6]

I dont think i ever want to get married after reading this thread

[Tree GG]

...How can people we fall in love with, sometimes go through a horrible metamorphosis, and turn into something that does evil things?...

:eek::D:doh::beatup::lol2:

It goes both ways, apparently.

[MarciManseau]

You want I should send Guido to pay her a visit?

Guido gave up doing contracts last month when he got a sex change. He's now Guidetta :)

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I would take the pre-emptive approach and tell the kids first. It will surely come out and they are owed an explanation as to why you are getting a divorce. It would be my guess that it is a two way street and it is at least partially your crossdressing along with other things as well. I told my wife that if she ever felt the need to tell anyone about my crossdressing that she can at any time and she would have my full support. If we ever were to break up I have tolds her to blame it all on me since I really believe that it would be because of my crossdressing since I changed the man she was married to, she probably would have never married me had she known ahead of time.

[AKAMichelle]

I guess I have to against the grain here.

I would not tell your children yourself. If your soon-to-be ex-wife wants to use your children that way to hurt you, they will see that for what it is and react to it. Maybe not now but someday. Children grow up and see their parents for what they are.

Please try to remember that your children are also hurt by a divorce and that your crossdressing is not the most important thing here.

Rather than sit them down and tell them your are a crossdresser, tell them what they really need to hear: that you are and will always be their father and that you will always love them and be there for them.

I have to say that is a nice twist. When my parents got divorced several years back after 50+ years of marriage, I was the only one to realize that things would even out. My bother chose my father and wouldn't talk to my mother or me. My father got mad at me for not choosing him and wouldn't talk to me for awhile. Now my brother only talks with my mother. He got mad at my father for remarrying and giving most of his money to the new wife.

Things do work themselves out sometimes. It might be better to let this one work itself out.

Great Advice. It allows me to take the high ground :D

[Mitch23]

all the young people i know think its really cool to be a crossdresser. i havent told my 2 eldest yet because they live away from home and theres no need. if it becomes an issue i will certainly tell them and am sure they will be ok. my youngest lives at home and is too immature and unstable at the moment. we both feel it would not be right

mitch

[Emily Anderson]

I don't believe in telling the kids pre-emptively. Rather I would err on the side of letting my spouse know that it's probably not a good thing for the kids, because it won't help in any way. If she decides to let them know, then so be it...

"Yes, I'm a crossdresser, and I've made some big mistakes. How exactly is telling the kids going to help them, you, or me?"

I've lived through a divorce and seen many friends get divorced too, and really the best thing to do is to work on practical things rather than get torn up by emotions. Whether about crossdressing, infidelity, or whatever other cause, the only thing to look at is what went wrong, whether it can be fixed, and if not, how can we sort things out in an agreeable manner?

My wife told just about everybody she and I knew, and quite honestly, nobody really cared about the crossdressing, just the fact that it had been hidden from her. I'll take the blame for that, but I also have something else to say....

As others have pointed out, I think it shows a lack of maturity on behalf of the spouse to assume that their crossdressing husband has been deliberately hiding things from them, rather than thinking about the anguish the husband has been through, sometimes hiding this side of himself for several years, worrying about the consequences of anyone finding out. But, I also understand that this is the reaction in many cases, and we just need to deal with that.

You don't owe it to anyone to explain anything about your crossdressing, to agree or deny anything your spouse may have told anyone, including your kids. If she decides to tell the kids, then so be it. If she decides to tell anyone else, so be it. In response to anyone who asked me about it, I would simply say "It's between me an her." Enough said.

[Tamara Croft]

I haven't read all the responses, but wow... she's being a vindictive :censor: Why don't you just tell them yourself? If she's going to threaten to do it and then does it.. it would be better coming from you and will shut her up... wow, what a nasty :censor: no wonder you're divorcing her... I would too :Angry3:

[Shadeauxmarie]

Too often "the first liar wins."

I reserve my advice since I do not have any children. I have always responded to " Did you know XY is a (gay/a lesbian/a crossdresser/ etc)? with "It doesn't make them a bad person."

[Sinthia]

The only person that is bothered by my dressing is my EX. She even tried to tell me that her mom was disgusted with it, but her mom said not so. You can do what ever you want. Tell your children before your wife does, and if they love you now, they will still love you no matter what kind of undies you wear. Then her threat will fall on deaf ears.

[NicoleScott]

No, don't tell them first. She tells the judge that not only does he crossdress, but he told the kids that he does, and they didn't need to hear that, especially the youngest one. Telling them may work against you.

But remember, don't ever give someone a choice you don't want them to take. If you say "tell them", she might.

My wife often threatened me with calling a lawyer and getting a divorce, until I dropped a phone book in her lap, said "do it" and walked away. She quit doing that. Tired of threats, I was willing to go through with it. I called her bluff. We're still married.

I would either not respond at all, or say something like "you do what you think is right. And so will I."

[Rachaelb64]

I told my two kids who are 16 & 14 and everyone who means something to me.

This really peed my ex off, espeically after I mentioned what I did was not illegal but her smoking dope was and her being a teacher she had more to lose than I did, this really really peed her off.

That old saying don't throw stones in glasshouses..........

[trannie T]

Have you considered marriage counselling? There may still be hope for your relationship. If not, add my vote with those in favor of full disclosure.

[Wenda]

sorry to hear about your wreck. My ex and I divorced before I rediscovered dressing, so it was not an issue. As far as children go, if they are older than nine years, I would agree with the others that it would be best to share your interests, hobby, whatever you choose to call it, with them. My two eldest children knew about my dressing, so when my youngest son opened my closet to find 12 pairs of size 12 womens shoes, his older brother and sister reassured him that it was not a big thing.
As soon as I knew that he had seen (a small fraction of) my shoes, I apologized. His reaction was, 'no big thing'. He had friends who dressed, but he didn't, but he didn't care one way or the other.'
My kids know I dress, but I don't dress when they are around. They prefer to remember me as 'Dad". I am ok with that.
All the best, w. :)