Conflicted - tell her, or not?

[Val Tan]

Disclaimer: I'm posting this not to seek advice per se. I'll take your comments and opinions into consideration, but my main reason is just that I needed to share this and get it off my chest.

Background: I'm a closet CD, and some might consider me the type of CD who does it for sexual gratification. So basically there really isn't much of a psychological or transgender aspect. I dress because I like dressing, but I don't go all out, or let it control my life (at least I try not to).

I haven't dressed in over two months, haven't had the desire. Life has been too busy and stressful - too stressful even for CD-ing!

A while back, I got to know this girl, and we connected very well and all, and there might be great potential between us. Just a few hours ago, we chatted online and she shared some very, very personal details of her life with me, because she wanted me to understand the current situation she was in. The stuff were really personal, stuff that you wouldn't share with someone that you are considering getting into a relationship with. But she shared it with me because of that deep connection we shared, and she trusted me not to judge her for her past. Skeletons in her closet, she called them.

Therein lies my conflicted state. I can't decide if I should tell her about my CD-ing. I am 99% sure she won't judge me for it, or react negatively, but that she would be understanding. But still. This is such a big thing to talk about. What's more, the whole CD thing has been fizzing out for me somewhat this year (before I met her), so I wonder. I so want to tell her, so she knows I too am human with skeletons in my own closet. Then again, she told me before that I am her anchor in her uncertainty, and I don't want to shake her life up even more.

Sigh.

[docrobbysherry]

What if your CDing is a fetish? Maybe, in time, u will discover another u like better.

What if your need to CD decreases as time goes by?

It is natural to want to tell someone intimate secrets, that has told U intimate secrets. But to some people, saying u occasionally CD, is like saying, I'm an occasional axe murderer.

Once u squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube, u can never put it back in.

Maybe u should wait awhile before telling her. To better judge your relationship with this woman, AND to gauge your need to CD? I'm a closet CD and have decided not tell anyone I know, unless I have to. I think it mite be different if u and I were TS and needed to go out dressed. I'm assuming u don't?

[sissystephanie]

Val Tan,

See my post on the thread about telling an S.O.! I agree mostly with what DocRobbySherry said to you. Once you tell someone, the story is out and you can never take it back.

So get to know the girl better, and decide how you want the relationship to go. Marriage, or what? Also, would she replace the urge to dress for sexual gratification? Or would you still want to dress? These are questions you need to ask yourself before you tell her.

The fact that she has given you very intimate information would tend to indicate that she really does care for you deeply. Not many women would share info like that with someone they did not really care for. I personally have only told one person, other then my late wife, about my CD activities. I love her deeply and I know she loves me so I told her. Due to living in different countries, although I have met her in person on more then one occasion, we will never be married. But she knows and accepts me as I am! That, to me, is the important thing!

Sissy/Stephanie

Girl on the ouside, but man underneath

[Princess29]

I think the first two responses have really hit the nail on the head. Get to know this girl better first and see how things go.
I was chatting to a GG friend online once (she knows I am a cd'er) and we were chatting about other stuff and she shared some deeply personal stuff about her and I then decided to return the favour and share something deeply personal about me which kind of indirectly involved her.
For a few days I was walking around thinking "oh crap, why did I do that?" but those feelings passed and I realised that things hadnt changed.
Only you can really know what is the right thing to do for youas each situation is different

[Sallee]

Tell her You'll feel better for it. If she accepts you both win if she freaks Oh well, It wouldn't have worked any way. Just do us all a favor and when you tell don't make it out to be a bad thing. just something you enjoy and it doesn't have to rule your life. thanks...Now go tell her

[AKAMichelle]

There are a couple of things that most of the advice is missing.

1) When I was in my teens and then early 20's, I dressed for more of the sexual reasons. Since that time period I purged multiple times. I thought that when the desires went away because I had met my current wife that I would never deal with crossdressing. I was wrong. The feelings kept coming back stronger and stronger. While you may be different, I suspect that you will continue over time much like I did. Time will tell.

2) Having told my wife of 20+ years just recently and watched her suffer needlessly. She felt all kinds of emotions. Most of them involved me not being truthful with her years ago. I didn't tell her because I thought I was over it and there was nothing to tell.

3) Because of a lot of personal issues and the added stress of telling my wife the whole story about my CDing, we nearly got a divorce. When I was thinking about that I realized that the next time I begin dating someone, I am going to tell them early so I don't waste a lot of time falling for a person that doesn't accept me.

The main point is this: The woman told you something that she felt like she could trust you with. She reached out to you because she needed a friend. Sounds like you could use a friend as well. CDing is a very lonely experience for the most part. Take a chance and share yourself. You might be embarrassed, ridiculed or even accepted. You will never know until you try.

Whether it leads to something that lasts a lifetime or not is immaterial. Share you life with someone and you might learn alot more about yourself in the process.

Do you really want friends that don't know who you really are?

[Stephanie Anne]

I think the question is if you want someone to know in hopes of sharing a fantasy?

Or, are you wanting to get this off your chest so someone else ill finally be able to be confided in?

Most likely if your friend did not know about your dressing before and has never mentioned it, she may not like or appreciate that you do so. If you go so far as to try to incorporate it into sex it may backfire.

So I think you need to ask why you want to tell her.

[trannie T]

I can't imagine going very far into a relationship before telling her. If things go well, fine. If not it is better than to cut the loss early. Lookat the posts of those who told their wives after many years of marriage. If she trusted you with very personal things you should be able to share your private life with her.

[traceyanne]

totally agree with tranniet in that you should tell her sooner rather that later, thats is just my personal opinion and from my experiences. i made the mistake of not telling my ex for a few years, hence now my ex. my 2nd wife now i told from 2nd date and she was fine with it, just takeing things gradually and slowly so we are both happy with it.

[deja true]

It occurs to me that maybe she told you her 'shockers' as a test of your commitment to her. That you didn't flee gave her more confidence in you. I'd do the same, then.

If you are serius about pursuing a real, not fantasy, relationship with this lady, I think you might tell her.If you were broad-minded enough to accept her, 'warts and all', she is probably broad-minded enough to accept you, too.

And, not so much by the way, you're dressing may be fading for now, as you say, but if you've been following along here long enough,you should realize that it will never go away. Don't count on that happening if you find yourself in a satisfactory relationship. Wouldn't do you well to not tell, then find it coming back strong several years into a relationship. Then it's too late to tell with a hope of good consequences for the most part.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you should read the link in my signature

As much as I think you should be careful if this looks like a long term she needs to know before marriage at least

[Raychel]

My opinion would be, if you ared getting into the most intimate conversations, then you should come clean with her and tell her. Good relationships are built on total trust and communications. Not on hiding the details that you don't care to share.

This is one thing that I have learned from 20 years of being with the same woman. In the beginning I was careful that she didn't find out. I was afraid that she would not keep my secret. and later on I was afraid that she would divorce me. After I finally told her the truth, I am not afraid to talk to her about anything.

I figure that if she didn't walk when I dropped this bomb, that I would be pretty safe in no matter what I talk to her about.

:2c::2c:

[CandyDarling]

I agree that to tell her will be best but I also agree that you need to be careful and perhaps sound her out a bit. Remember as was said above that once said it can never be taken back - this I know from a moment of confidence 25 years ago - I regret it daily. Also consider will she tel her/your friemds and all that that can mean.

[Sheila]

from a GG viewpoint ..........

I disclosed to my CDR ..( as son as it became apparent that this was more than just a mere casual friendship) ...... details that were heartbreaking and painful to tell concerning my past ........ he chose not to tell me at that time abut his cding ... 2 1/2 years later I found out by accident, and felt hurt and angry that while I divulged something so truely painful and personel to me (that would at various stages explain my reaction to certain dates and events) that he chose not to trust me with this.


there might be great potential between us.

don't ruin that potential by hiding who you are hun,

Best of luck in what you decide:hugs:

[JoAnnDallas]

Now is the best time to tell her, not later in the relationship, like I did.

[Val Tan]

Thank you all for your insightful replies. I won't name you all individually, but know that I appreciate each and every reply.

[Sarah Doepner]

I thought I was sparing my wife a world of confusion and hurt by withholding the truth about myself from her. Her world was full of conflict and problems and it seemed like I was doing her a favor. I wasn't. When it finally came out she was hurt and wondering what else I hadn't told her. She wondered if I was telling her the whole truth about my interests and leanings.
It took a long time before we were back on level ground.
The difference here is my committment is a long term one with a wife and you are beginning a new relationship. The need for honesty is the same in both. It's the level of committment that is different. Good Luck.