needing some help

[Sarahgurl371]

Okay, first off, I am having a very bad day. Not to be dramatic, but I feel that my world is crashing down around me. I have been at this point for some time now. Between dealing with all these issues and a failing marriage because I feel them, I am not sure how much more I can take. I am sitting here today alternating my thoughts between my issues (what are they? what do they mean? what should I do about them? will I ever have the courage to face them if they are real?) and my marriage falling apart. Thoughts are alternating between this all, and frankly, how am I going to live? I can't really see a postive ending here. I am not planning anything. I don't want to go there. But, I am at a loss...

So a clear thought emerged a bit ago. Shouldn't the "noise" stop? If we dress, or make changes to our bodies to aleviate the "nosie", "thoughts" whatever, if that is the preferred treatment for gender dysphoria, shouldn't the noise stop when we are engaged in those activities???

Shouldn't I feel better since I am sitting here dressed up? Looking as much of a girl as I can? Shouldn't I feel better?

It seems that sitting here looking like a girl, as best I can, serves only to shine a spotlight on the whole thing.

There was a time, when there was a euphoria associated with dressing. Albeit with some self hate and guilt thrown in for good measure. But there is none anymore. Just more "noise". More..."I want to do this, I want to change that, But I cannot accept this as it is with this little involvement."

I asked a fellow client of my therapist, who is transitioning, about the "euphoria" I sometimes feel. My question was something like this "I don't think that normal people, male or female, go around feeling all wonderful about their bodies or how they feel, all day long. So the fact that I feel this euphoric feeling, or this chill which comes over me, sometimes when I am presenting as a girl, isn't that an indicator of that this isn't transsexualism, but something else?"

Her response was that yes, normal people don't go around feeling so aware of their bodies all day long because there is no distress about them. And when a Tg person engages in activities that serve to align their body with their internal gender, or how they wish to see themselves, that of course there are some euphoric feelings. And further, that those feelings seem to fade after time, once you start living in that role more and more, and then you start to feel just normal.

So apparantly, the "noise" stops. I mean isn't that the goal?

So why does my noise not stop?

I am really hoping that you all will post some enlightening responses, rather soon, as it seems I am really up against it today.

Thanks.

[jill s]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you , or me. I'm keeping my marriage together by keeping a lid on how I feel about myself. Turmoil no matter what we do. I sometimes find hard physical work or play will relieve stress for a short time and give me a mini vacation form myself. I know it can be hard to "get outside your own head" but for me it is absolutely nessaccery.


Jill S

[Sharon]

It is the first paragraph that I wish I could adequately respond to, Tammy, but I'm not quite sure how. So let me respond by telling you how it was for me.

Until I made the firm decision to accept myself for who I was, and to do something about it, I also was at a continual loss and the same questions you are asking yourself were the ones I was asking. Not that every day since my self-acceptance has been as picturesque as daffodils-in-a-meadow, but my emotions have truly made a complete 180-degree revolution to where my bad days now number somewhere about where the good days once were -- virtually nonexistant.

Is my own personal solution correct for you or anyone else? I haven't a clue. But all I can say is that if you can figure out where your heart lies, you are well on your way to being happy and whole. Of course, there's a whole lot more to it than just that, but it's a great place to begin.

And as far as that "noise" goes, I think a little elation is good for us. Don't try to be blase about yourself or how you feel about supposedly superfluous things such as your appearance. Too many of us TSers downplay how happy we can sometimes be by taking a step back at the mirror and just telling ourselves "damn, I look good today." But, then again, the perpetual elation does slacken as we grow accustomed with ourselves and just accept ourselves and our appearance. In short -- a little elation is good, but a neverending elation is too difficult to maintain and might be a little dangerous to boot. :)

Take care and -- please -- try find your inner resolve. :hugs:

[Sarahgurl371]

Jill I agree that a little work is a good thing. Its just hard to start when I get this way.

Sharon, I think that something definitely changed in you since the time I joined here. And by your response you stated that you made a decision to accept yourself and then to do something about it. That is the part I am so concerned about. The doing something about it part. I can barely get thru the days at work and in social situations, just knowing that I feel this way, that I want this. I cannot assuage the guilt it seems. Then when I think of doing something about it, things as simple as removing body hair, or as complex as requesting hormones... I get so anxious about how I am going to get thru those situations then, knowing that not only do I feel this way, but now I am taking steps in that direction.

I am so tired of feeling afraid, alone. I just don't trust myself, and I do not want to be wrong and make poor decisions.

One of the earliest things I read about transsexualism was a kind of contra indication about some "sypmtoms". It said that people who see an advantage to the opposite gender or that they have it better, are misleading themselves and are pondering transition for the wrong reasons. One of my earliest thoughts about this all was when I was in my early teen years, wanting so depserately to connect with someone as a couple. I wanted so badly to be loved and in a committed relationship. I had so much trouble with achieving that. I used to say to myself all the time "it would be so much easier if I where a girl, they are so lucky, it would be better to be a girl."

These thoughts where so intense back then, merged with raging male hormones, feelings of inadequacey and undesirability as a male. I guess I have always associated them as not genuine, or misguided. I mean I think that females have this advantage in life, and one of the counter criteria in the DSM states that a true TS doesn't have these thoughts. So if I am not truly TS, I am destroying my life for a fetish? For some wierd psycho-sexual disorder? If that is the case the last thing I should do is decide to accept this. I should be doing everything I can to destroy it.

I certainly do not mean to suggest that people are falsely being diagnosed or self diagnosed as TS. I am not really concerned with how other people want to live. I am just trying to make the right decision for myself.

[deja true]

I am sitting here today alternating my thoughts between my issues (what are they? what do they mean? what should I do about them? will I ever have the courage to face them if they are real?) and my marriage falling apart. Thoughts are alternating between this all, and frankly, how am I going to live?


It may be a touch simplistic, but I'll mention here the same thing I mentioned somewhere else today...

It's hard on the mind, the psyche, when we get into the obsessional mode of thinking about our lives and how they fit into the plans we think we have for them. I've found it useful to write a lot of stuff down in a sort of "Personal Inventory". Just thinking tends to confuse us, because our unsettled minds want to jump all over the place, so a clear rationalization of each seperate issue never gets done completely. Writing it down focusses our attention to one issue at a time. In that way, we can see the bigger picture of how all these apparently scattered subjects all lead to one path.

Make a column that lists all the aspects of your life; marriage, job, family responsibilities, kids, health issues, mental health issues, vocation, avocation, your wish for the future, everything. Go down that list and write out with details all the pros and cons of how those things will be affected by the program you have set for yourself. As you see how they are all related, you should also start to get an idea of whether or not you've chosen the right course for yourself. Don't lie, don't prevaricate. Honesty with yourself is important to get to answers that you will believe, that are right for you.

The "noise"? The noise is the frantic whirring of your own brain, looking for a solid place to stand on to get a true perspective on your issues. But you can't handle them all at once. (No matter how big your hard drive, there's a limited number of windows that can be open at one time without overloading the system.)

Take a deep breath. Start with one at a time. Get a handle on that issue, then go on to the next. Each answer will bring up more questions. Add 'em to the list, but don't let them distract you. The answer to one may cause you to change the answer to another. Keep going...

Bless you, Tammy.

Nobody knows you better than yourself. You are the source of the answers you seek. Your therapist can help, but he's all about questions, too, isn't he? Trying to help you answer your own questions.

Good luck, dear one.

We'll always be here when you need us.

respect & love,

deja


(You musta have picked that Eagles quote for a reason,hon. You already know where the answers lie.)

[AmberTG]

My personal take on this is that the noise in your head gets louder when you can only "be you" for short periods of time because you know that you have to go back to being that "other person" that you have to be in your daily life. The noise won't start to go away until you can come to terms with your issues, self acceptance being the biggest one. I didn't know for sure if I was a fetish CDer or a trans-gendered person when I started coming to terms with myself, I still have my moments of doubt where I do a lot of soul searching, like last night. I'm a year into transition and I still have moments of doubt and fear. That's my runaway emotions talking, not my logical side that knows that I am a trans-sexual. I know this because I separated my sex drive from everything else by blocking testosterone with spiro, and my resolve to transition got stronger, not weaker. I know that my transition is not fetish driven. This is one of the "acid tests" that gender therapists are starting to use more commonly now, because it works. If your desire to transition goes away with your sex drive, then you know that you're not trans-sexual and transition is not for you. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact, it's a good thing, it could keep you from making a huge mistake in your life. If you really want to know, talk to your therapist about going on spiro to lower your sex drive to sort this out.
By the way, my ex-wife did things and wore things specificly to help her feel good about herself and her body. Natal men and women are body concious in many cases, it's not just a trans issue. Anorexic people fight with that every day.
I really hope that you can work these issues out for yourself!
:hugs:

[Kimberley]

For me the greatest relief came with self acceptance; that being able to look just about anyone in the face and tell them to go to h**l if they dont like what they see. Dont get me wrong, I am not in RLE but I just dont much care anymore. So a huge weight was lifted with that.

Secondly although the GD never quits it is more cyclical instead of constant. By that I mean some days are heavier than others. Dressing or not really has little effect on me in the short term. It is my feelings of acceptance of who and what I am that keeps it under control. When I find myself drawing comparisons it always gets worse regardless of whether I am dressed or not.

I dont know it this is of any help but hope so.

:hugs:
Kimmberley

[jill s]

How you doing Tammy? Check in and let us know.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Tammy

The noise won't stop because you keep beating yourself in the head over everything, you won't allow yourself peace because you feel you don't deserve it. You're not going to get anywhere while you're chasing your tail, and that's what you're doing, so let it go.

Life is about facing a myriad of issues and problems, but you can't tackle them all at once, it's way to confusing. Sit down and settle down, separate everything away from each other and take stock of what you have going, then you can come up with a plan of action. Bottom line, relax!

Karen Starlene :star:

[Sarahgurl371]

Thanks for your concerns. I am feeling a bit better today that is for sure. I wish I could follow some of your advice. Lets face it, it is nothing that I haven't read here before. It is just not working out that way for me. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this all. And things that you all have suggested, just haven't worked for my mind.

You offer some good advice though about seperating things out. I am trying. Its just that from my vantage point, I cannot see thru them. One bleeds into the next. Everything affects everything kind of.

"you won't allow yourself peace because you feel you don't deserve it." Karen, that is pretty much it in a nutshell. I don't feel that I deserve to be happy or to be me. This is the main issue I think. I have not found a way to give myself permission to be me. Whatever that is. I guess that looking back in life I never have, ever. My self approval has always been dependent on others' approval of me and my actions. And this stuff isn't something that most people approve of. Once I find a way to reconcile myself to the fact that I do not need to rely upon anyone else's approval, maybe I will gain some ground. I simply may not know how to feel good about myself.

[GypsyKaren]

Why shouldn't you feel good about yourself? I doubt it's like you're a serial killer or a Clay Aikens stalker (that would be much worse, trust me), so really, what's the big deal here? I realize that this isn't exactly embraced with open arms by the masses, but it's not that bad, and anyway, screw the masses, they're not paying the bills.

Karen Starlene :star:

LIGHTEN UP ALREADY!!!

[Kimberley]

Hey girl! I think you probably answered one of your own questions here.


My self approval has always been dependent on others' approval of me and my actions.

It is a personal journey and it can be tough or easy. We make that choice for ourselves. It is first and foremost YOUR life, not someone else's so learn to live it for you. It means tearing down a lot of barriers and facing the reasons you put them up in the first place. The past cant be changed but understanding how it affects you today is the key to the butterfly emerging. Believe me every one of us who has come to self acceptance had to do it. Sometimes it was sad and others; quite humourous.

Only you can do this and with a good therapist the journey is very revealing and above all, satisfying.

:hugs:
Kimberley