Insecure

[JoanFlores]

I have to get this off my mind, I have been chating, mailing, caming with lots of girls just like us for more than 2 years, and have been invited by all of them to look them up if ever I am in there town. Well, I have been to 5 different places, let my friends now where I was to stay, they all promised to meet me for coffee, the day we set up to meet, everyone called or mailed, at the last minute to cancel for very silly reasons. I have come to the conclusion that these so called friends are very insecure when the time comes to actually meet with me. Does this happen to many of you girls ?
Right now I am all dolled up with wine and a nice room waiting for my friend to come visit, and she has just e-mailed that she will not make it. I am sad that many girl promise and then do not show up.
Well thanks in advace, Ciao.

[Joy Carter]

Take heart Joann. Your not alone in this. Maybe you ought to take some time to get to know them first, before you commit to something like this. :2c:

[JennyS.]

I've never been in your place,girl. But, to be honest... I'm in the closet... As most of us are. Maybe that's the reason. I want to meet some of us, too. I'm just not sure if given the chance that I would go through with it. Just being honest, honey.

[Fab Karen]

Try looking for people who actually do go out, and who show you face pics ( but you have to show yours as well ).

[Cheryl Anne]

I have to agree with Fab Karen. Those who show their face are more likely to go out dressed and meet others.

[jessielee]

dear Joan,
how sad that here in the Web, so many are emboldened to say and act as they wouldn't in the "real world," that it is tempting to think they are being false in some way. undeniably there are phonies here.
but if i were to say "let's get together!" in person, i would spell out that, personally, as attractive as so many of us appear here, i just want girl talk and companionship and shopping and discussion; its all i could do.
for, and its only my personal hangup, i am straight and would not want to mislead. no wait a minute, if i really had two x chromosomes, i'd be lesbian!
o its so confusing!
seriously, i would love to meet and i would not want to tease.
but can't see how i'd be out of town without family along anyway so its a moot point! though venturing out, still severely tied to my closet, too.
so sorry you've been hurt.
jessie

[tricia_uktv]

Joan, its nit just you, and its not just girls, the same is true of admirers. You are far better to go out there dressed and see what you can find. My best friends have been made that way.

[Eugenie]

at the last minute to cancel for very silly reasons. I have come to the conclusion that these so called friends are very insecure when the time comes to actually meet with me.
I wouldn't be so severe in such matter. Most of us have to deal with family constraints that make our planning quite difficult...
How many times did I think I could be free to go out and at the lest moment my wife would ask me something that was stopping me to do as I had planned...
I agree that there are some who are more in the fantazy than in the reality and these, when faced with the opportunity to really meet a "sister" finaly chicken out...

Right now I am all dolled up with wine and a nice room waiting for my friend to come visit, and she has just e-mailed that she will not make it.
On this second part of your message, I hope that it will go well for you. However, waiting fully dressed for someone I've never met before is something I never do. I always ask to meet first in drab mode and in public.

With the internet one is never sure of who is on the other side of the wire... Some friends have had to face some bad situation for not respecting that cautious attitude...

Once the contact is established no more problem, next time I can meet then "en femme".

:hugs:
Eugenie

[KayR]

I don't know if you travel around the country, but if you do, might there be a CD/TV support group nearby? You could perhaps attend one of their social events - many have weekly get-togethers - and changing facilities.
You could then build your CD social circle up in a safe (for everyone) environment. To be honest, if a stranger invited me to their room to meet them for the first time, I would be very, very circumspect. Put yourself in their place.

[Amy Hepker]

I do believe that these people are real people and I do agree with the others here. Sometimes things come up at the last minute or they can chicken out. They don't know, and there are some many people out there in this world today that are just out to hurt someone. Don't be hard on them, I am sure they have good intentions, they just could not for one reason or another.

[Emily Anderson]

As Eugenie said, meet in drab first, and in a public place. That puts a lot less pressure on both parties, because:

a) the person you are meeting might not be comfortable with getting dressed up to meet for the first time
b) it typically takes a lot less time to prepare
c) if either you or the other party needs to back out at the last minute, there is no feeling of having got all dolled up for nothing
d) if either of you don't get along, it's easier to back out from a public place than if you need to eject them from your place, or they have to excuse themselves shortly after having arrived
e) it's much safer

I would also suggest that you "meet" them on the phone first, and see if you have anything in common other than the fact that you crossdress. That might seem strange, but if the only thing you have to say to each other is that you enjoy dressing up, it might not make for a longer-term friendship. Crossdressers are just as diverse (if not more :-)) as the rest of the population when in comes to likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies etc.

[Kate Simmons]

It can be hard sometimes, especially since some have families and other responsibilities. I've met with many local folks and even some here from the Forum. I do realize that sometimes things do genuinely come up despite the best intentions. The insecurities are sometimes a "given" because of who we are. I can say though that the folks I have met with have never disappointed me and they are exactly who they say they are. As was mentioned, sometimes patience is the key as well as understanding.:)

[cemab4y]

If you are all that keen to meet other CDers in person, you should join Tri-Ess or a similar organization, and go to the meetings. It is also much less expensive, than driving to another city.

[Christineblake113]

I'm still in the closet with dressing but have also gotten a few invites to meet and always wondered how it would go if I had taken them up on the offer. Sorry for your experience but good to know that there is a good chance no one would show up.

I had always thought that if I did try to meet another CDer I'd plan to meet them in drab first and at a location not too far out of my way. Therefore if they didn't show up there was not a lot of wasted effort on my part.

Christine

[shannonsilk]

I am sure that I don not know the reason but of the 5 or 6 times I've made arrangements to meet other CDs they've always been where they said they would be. I'm sure that one of these days it'll turn out that they don't.

[victoriamwilliams1]

We all have some level of insecurity. I know for me I would like to go to the side door of a hotel to enter if it is in my area.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah if your first meeting involves a motel room and a bottle of booze, that IS going to scare people off. Unless the person coming to the room is ascrazy as the inviter, things will go quite strange.

Nothing really happened one evening to me but here is one of my strange encounters -
I was at a club and saw a rather pitifully put together CD, I was also dressed, and thought "Why not, I could talk to her." Well she needed a ride back to her room. I helped, we were at the room [no intention of sex or anything.] Well, she showed me a copy of this letter she had posted in the club's restroom, wanted to know if it looked well written. While I was reading it, she was hitting a bottle of Jack and smoking crack. The letter, well, she wanted to be someone's hoe. I politely said my parting greetings and left.

People don't meet strangers at motel rooms to argue politics and religion.

You know if you are looking for a rendez-vous for the evening that is no big deal, but people want to have SOME idea of who they are going to shack up with for the night. To meet someone in a room after nothing more than camming or Skyping, it just isn't a good idea.

Think about your own safety, what if someone came to the room who was big, mean, and into something gross like potty games? Think of your own safety too.

[TxKimberly]

Yes, I'd say this is fairly common, and most of it is not really intentional. I think often people think they have the courage during the planning and talking phase but when it comes time to actually do it they come up short. You will find that many makeover places that cater to TG's will require a deposit for this very reason - they are tired of scheduling the time just to have so many chicken out with little or no notice.

[Nicki B]

I'd say it's pretty common..

Trannies have a well deserved reputation for unreliability? :D Some of it may be the requirements of fitting round other people who don't know, and juggling the demands of an unhappy partner - but I think much of it is probably simply down to nerves?

[Kristen Marie]

But, if you follow the various postings on these boards, you will find that there are some places, like Boston, where get togethers are happening several nights a week. Girls do meet you and go out.

I have had great experiences traveling, having met girls in Chicago, Orlando and Vegas.

[JoanFlores]

After reading every note posted, I have only this to say:
I have always shown my face to the person I am to meet, I have requested a meeting in drab in a mall for coffee first, I have been able too meet only one very good friend this way.My big problem is I live in Texas in the Rio Grand Valley, so the nearest big city would be San Antonio to meet more friends. Well since i am on the road a lot I will keep trying too meet more people, I must keep thinking positive, thank you all.

[Ciara]

I totally agree with FabKaren... No face shot chances are No show.

[Chiana]

I have met one other forum member. We were both in drab and met in a public place. It was really a fun experience with no real pressure.

[JoAnnDallas]

If you belong to a local CD group like Tri-Ess, check and see if there is a group in the area your visiting. I belong to Tri-Ess and if I was to take a business trip, I would look up and see if there is a Tri-Ess chapter where I am going. If so, I would then try and contact some of the members. I am sure they would love to meet me for coffee.

[MsJoann]

A lot of our community is comprised of those entertaining their own fantasies in one manner or another...which is okay with me.
Some choose to be what I call "phantoms". They would rather not exist in the three-dimentional world to where they would not want to meet others.
Sometimes there's nothing wrong with remaining in the safe folds of home.
I've been down that road regarding meeting others too and I try to understand without letting frustration get in the way.
Also, I can remember my first night meeting another CD fully dressed was in fact also my first night out in a public club. That person has remained my friend to this day. We go out both dressed and drab mode.
I'm fortunate enough to have a few local gals to do things with.

[lisalove]

I have to agree with the others here. But I also feel alot of it is just insecurity. I have heard every excuse in the book, when it comes to finally meeting in person
I think the best one was. "I was in a wreck just as I got into town." This person finally e-mailed me a few months after we were to meet. to tell me this. Now this may have been true. It was his idea to meet as he was coming to town for a bowling tornimate. I replied back and saying it was cool hope you're ok now etc., maybe we can meet another time. to which he replied yes we will met again. I haven't heard from him since. But he has posted several times in a Yahoo group that we belong to, that he looking for another cd to play with.
It just seems to me, that all they want to do is fantasize about meeting, but don't actually intend to meet ever.
Infact I just deleted arout 50 cds from my Yahoo buddy list, because we don't talk anymore, all of these cds all wanted to meet at one time or another, and none of them ever showed up for said meeting.

[lisalove]

I forgot to address the Tri Ess issue. Well I tried to join my local Tri Ess chapter. And answering all their questions honestly. I was denied or rejected how ever you want to look at it. Why, because I am bi. Now I think this is total BS, because I am not there to pick up on others, I am there to meet and be with others like myself. To make friends go shopping, go to dances, and learn to be more of myself. But all they can see is a bisexual on the hunt.

[Claire3]

If your BOTH honest from the start,talk 2 each other to gain some trust and meet when your both ready,ive found it out 2 b ok,you may still be happy or disappointed,but at least youve tried.Dont arrange 2 meet until your totally confident,dont just rely on email,phone.If they let you down after that,pls let the rest of us girls know,cos they might be trying 2 mess uss around 2.:love:Claire

[MJ]

if your first meeting involves a motel room and a bottle of wine, that IS going to scare people off. i would be thinking omg whats next :eek:
also i find if those friends won't show there face then there is a good chance they won't show .. just because there a little scared ..

try finding people who a, show there faces b, do go out ..
and for both yours and theres safety meet in a public place IE :- a food court or a coffee shop or a mall ..
if there not willing to meet or a no show you can still enjoy your trip out ..

[JoAnnDallas]

lisalove wrote....


I forgot to address the Tri Ess issue. Well I tried to join my local Tri Ess chapter. And answering all their questions honestly. I was denied or rejected how ever you want to look at it. Why, because I am bi. Now I think this is total BS, because I am not there to pick up on others, I am there to meet and be with others like myself. To make friends go shopping, go to dances, and learn to be more of myself. But all they can see is a bisexual on the hunt.

Your right, this is BS. My chapter has post-op TS as members and we never ask what your sexual prefrence is. Each chapter does have the discrestion to set their own rules. We meet at a MCC, so all we care is your a CDer.

I am so sorry your local chapter has those rules. Not all of us do.

If you ever get to Dallas, TX, yell. I'm sure I can round up 3-4 girls to meet with you for coffee, lunch, dinner, drinks, or whatever. If it happens to be the 1st Saturday of the month, you can be my guest at our meeting.

[CD Susan]

I have taken a lot of interest in this thread. I have been a cd for many years but am just starting to make an attempt at coming out. I joined this website just four weeks ago and before that I never would have considered doing something so daring. I am making progress but am going very slowly. I have been approached by several individuals about meeting them in person but before I make that decision I want to be very certain of what I am doing. I have taken a keen interest in the advice that has been discussed in this thread and want to thank everyone who has contributed. There is nothing that I want more than to have a friend that I can share my love of cd'ing with but I am being very careful about how I achieve this. Thanks again to everyone for thier advice.

[kay_jessica]

Try looking for people who actually do go out, and who show you face pics ( but you have to show yours as well ).

Yup, I must 100% agree with Karen. If the persons you are chatting to shows no evidence of being out and about and don't even show their pic on safe forums like this then it is highly unlikely that they will meet you or any one else.

[Michelle_NY]

It had happened to me well over 25 times in the past 5 years gf. i have come to the conclusion, that most of the TV's and Cd's out here are just full of crap. it annoys me to no end.Esp here in New York, XO Michelle

[Nicki B]

I have always shown my face to the person I am to meet, I have requested a meeting in drab in a mall for coffee first,

Speaking personally, I always want people to meet the real 'me' first, so that is their first impression - not 'him'?

[faltenrock]

Yup, I must 100% agree with Karen. If the persons you are chatting to shows no evidence of being out and about and don't even show their pic on safe forums like this then it is highly unlikely that they will meet you or any one else.

Jessica and many others - I simply do not agree. I've been asked so many times to show my face. What's so important to show one's face? Most of all this on the forum is about dressing - isn't it.
This forum might be a save place, who knows for sure. I do know for sure, that people download pictures and send them around. There are people who've been outed unintentionally that way.....believe it or not.
I'm not forcing the risk to be outed against my own will by showing my face to the world.
Not showing the face does not imply, one wouldn't show up for a meeting. I've met a few people, without showing my face prior to the meeting/event.
I've also met some new (female) friends when out dressed, that was great.

To me it seems like, most of you girls take a forum like this for a very save place - it's not. Even though I enjoy being here and able to communicate with all of you.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I agree with so many of the comments.......
1) It is alwasy best to know someone through chat first.
2) meeting in Drab is ok, I have done both dressed and Drab, and certainly like to be Jenny best
3) pick a place that your friend will feel safe, or have option to not feel trapped

I have meet a couple friends in the past, and on both occasions Really enjoyed their company, however I really knew them both from months or even longer to get to know them from chatting.

Wish U the best in meeting friends. Really loved everyones input on this topic.

[suzanne]

There's another issue at play here, and no one seems to have touched on it. How many of us have adolescent kids, and are counselling them not to arrange meetings or even give out personal information to online contacts? How many of your kids' online "friends" are actually sick, twisted creeps posing as kids to lure them into a really bad scene? The only answer is "I don't know", and they don't really know you, either.

Sorry, but I need to cut this short. There is a Nigerian prince who needs my help to get his money safely out of the country.

[tamarav]

I think all of us can understand what a dissapointment it feels like when you go to an effort to meet someone (with no sexual intentions) and they either fail to show or they cancel at the last minute. Unfortunately we all have our own inner clock and a dose of pink fog can really alter the time situation. What I mean is that when we are ready we feel that the others should also be ready, since, after all, we are the star of this meeting...

We are all so self centered at a point that we forget the life constraints of everyone else. I have been annoyed at others that say they will go somewhere or do something with me and either didn't show or took the entire night to get ready. On the other hand meeting for the very first time in a hotel room can bring up potentially harmful connotations.

My forays into meeting with others for the first time have been all over the map, some are really interesting, some aren't, but we all share the intense need to be the one in focus. As males way down deep we still have this competitive issue and we each try to outdo the other person, very similar to what women do, but with less overt action.

I was once at a computer show in drab and saw my absolute best supporter as a CD (my dancing partner, he took me everyplace we wanted to go, he usually ended up paying, really a nice guy) and I thought I should show him the drab me since I felt he was such a nice guy. I walked up and shook his hand and said hi. He recognized me immediately and said "I thought you were so much taller". He had no interest in hanging at a computer show with some guy, but he would have spent the entire day with Tami.

We still went out but the fire had been pissed on and the scent still lingered. Sometimes the fantasy outweighs the reality....

Your sis,

Tami