How to make it seem that it is not all about me

[MixedEmotion]

I need some advice before I loose my mind!

My wife and I are currently seeing a marriage cousler. Shortly after we got started seeing the counselr I told my wife that I want to be a woman. When I told her it did not come out the right way. What I was trying to tell her was that I am very courious about what it would be like to live for little while like a woman. I have had this couristy since I was young. Well any way just the other day she asked me why are we going to the counsler, and I told her that I thought that it was for us. Man did I get that wrong, she was under the impression that I was going to counsling for our children and that our relationship would come later after the kids were safe and ok. I told her that was part of the reason but how can we focus on the kids when we are constanly arugueing. I said that we need to work on our relationship and get it to a stable place so we can focus entirly on the kids.

Then the other day she tells me that I am making this situation all about me when I revealed to the counsle that I have a curoisty of experincing what it means to be a woman. I can see her point a little, but for the life of me I can not understand why she said this?

I told my wife and the counsler that I want to be open and honest with her. After telling my wife it felt like a 2 ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have tried to get her to open up and tell me everything that is bothering her, but she is being very defensive which I can understand.

So I am at my wits end trying to figure out a way for us to talk about my feelings and how they have impacted her.

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can get her to tell me what she is wanting from me? I know that most of it will have to wait untill she is ready to talk.

:thanx:

[sterling12]

Whenever I get the "It's always all about you" speech, I end up with the interpretation: "I want you to pay more attention to my needs, what I really want is for almost all of it to be about me." In this case, I think it's more about "Me and my children."

She already told you what she wants, a focus on the kids! She is concerned about their welfare and if this marriage fails, what is going to happen?

You gave a pretty good explanation of your interpretation of "I want to be a woman." Why not start with sharing the particulars with her. Maybe she will find the details to be a lot less threatening. Next step, give a lot of thought about your children and how you will treat them.

If you want to get it wrong, go back and get a copy of that Dr. Phil Show from a week ago. That Sista' really screwed it up! Try and not do the same awful things.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[MixedEmotion]

You are right. I guess I am reading to much into this. I guess I want there to be more that that. :doh:

[Jenny Doolittle]

It is really tuff to dump the entire load of information about yourself in the lap of your wife all at one time. Your post may be something to show wife, U explained your desires well there, 2nd, keep a open dialog going with wife, be honest, and talk talk talk to each other about how U feel.
Good Luck.

[Sophia KT]

Maybe she doesn't know where she fits in if you are the woman. On the bright side she at least seems willing to talk about it, but maybe can't get it into words. Remember you have had prior warning of this situation and, I'm guessing, she hasn't.

[Bonnie D]

So what exactly are you asking of her? You want to be able to dress at home, take care of the kids, do the laundry, cook some of the meals, ... ? I hope I am not sounding sarcastic because I don't mean to be.

I agree that you should work out your differences with your wife. It will allow the two of you to focus on the kids plus the home atmosphere will improve. Kids need all the attention they can get and they need to know that the family is stable. It is not something they consciously think about but it is very apparent to them when it is not.

Bonnie

[Tree GG]

How do I communicate this in 4,000 words or less?

Family is very, very important to me. I am very close to all my siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins....and their friends. Not so much for my husband. He loves his kids and has given them all he was able to give, but he isn't very close to his extended family. Net effect of that is a priority conflict. Your "I want to live as a woman for awhile" means you're out. And you can't go back in. Some family (and maybe some of your kids) may not be OK with that, for whatever reason. So now you're happy, expressing, experiencing what you want, but potentially your wife is between a rock and a hard place. Choose between supporting you or supporting the unaccepting family member. She doesn't want to lose either in her life. And if it's minor aged children :eek:! What's a mother/wife to do? The child has no options...they can't just not look. They have nowhere else to go. How awful would if be to grow up feeling trapped? I think all the CDs here can empathize with that feeling. Why would you want to inflict it on your children?

Plus that would mean your wife would have to come out with you. I am married to a man living as a woman and it's good. Unless she really feels that, it can't be done. And it may take more time than you think is appropriate for her to get there...if ever.

By stating you want to live as a woman, you are in some ways divorcing the man/father/husband we love. You may feel your femme is a better person, but we love the guy. I know you're still the same person, have the same soul. But we are physical creatures...look how important your external presentation is to you? Can't it be equally important to your wife & kids....only they prefer the male and you prefer the female versions. Again, conflict of interests.

There is no right and no wrong, and it is all about you and how you feel. You've stated your ultimate goal to her. She may be resisting because it crosses a boundary she can live with. Until she can express what that is, all you can be is compassionate, patient and loving. Or not. I believe you are correct in that you & your wife have to be on the same page before you can hope to make the home environment right. But I do also feel as she does, we are more than just ourselves. We are part of a family unit and actually the leaders of that unit - equally responsible for their welfare as our own.

My sincerest best wishes to you while working this out.

[JoAnnDallas]

Sometimes you can not acheive anything real quick. I told my wife I was a CDer almost a year ago. It has only been in the last 2-3 weeks that she has come to grips with it and now accepts that it is part of me and not going away. So she is more accepting of my CDing, but for almost a year I did not feel it was getting any better.
Communications is only part of it. Understanding is another.

[MixedEmotion]

How do I communicate this in 4,000 words or less?
Why would you want to inflict it on your children?


I would never want to inflict it on my children. I love them with every part of my being. I just want to love them and protect them from any harm.

:sad:To be quite honest I wish I never told my wife any of this.

After some pondering, I guess I told her because I felt that we were pulling apart. I thought that if I shared something so personal and confidential that it would show her how much she means to me. I never want to hurt her in any way, but when you reveal something like this it is inevitable.

I will have to give her some space and let her make her decisons on her own without feeling pressured by me. Just take care of the kids and make sure they have what they need and hopefully the rest will fall into place.:)

[Tree GG]

I would never want to inflict it on my children. I love them with every part of my being. I just want to love them and protect them from any harm.

:sad:To be quite honest I wish I never told my wife any of this.

After some pondering, I guess I told her because I felt that we were pulling apart. ....:)

Don't give up hope! It's taken me 2 yrs to get to what I would call a guardedly optimistic indifference to my husband's CDing with regard to the kids/family. And it got pretty ugly sometimes. IMO you and your wife are on the same page about the kids....maybe that's what she's clinging to right now. Regardless, she hasn't left. And if you felt a distancing before telling her your TG desires, I'd guess something else was going on that may need addressed first.

I hate to 2nd guess what your wife is feeling, everyone is different. Keep inquiring, keep seeing the counselor and keep loving your family & I would bet on a good outcome eventually.

[flacindycd]

Don't give up hope! It's taken me 2 yrs to get to what I would call a guardedly optimistic indifference to my husband's CDing with regard to the kids/family. And it got pretty ugly sometimes. IMO you and your wife are on the same page about the kids....maybe that's what she's clinging to right now. Regardless, she hasn't left. And if you felt a distancing before telling her your TG desires, I'd guess something else was going on that may need addressed first.

I hate to 2nd guess what your wife is feeling, everyone is different. Keep inquiring, keep seeing the counselor and keep loving your family & I would bet on a good outcome eventually.

You are a very honest and wise person,

[docrobbysherry]

I know next to nothing about your wife. But I've had experience with an ex.

Now that you've mentioned your TG issue, this could be the magic bullet with which she can blame u for the collapse of your marriage! AND the excuse to get the kids, the house, your $$ and all the rest of the things wives get from husbands. Even without any, "it's all his fault", issues!

It is apparent you've got problems NOT related to your TG wish. Women can be great poker players! She mite be discussing her options with everyone but u! If she won't discuss her feelings in front of u, or with u and a therapist, I would hope for the best, but expect the worst!

[MixedEmotion]

You are a very honest and wise person,

I don't think I am old enough yet to be called wise. In most peoples eyes I am still a pup. Maybe in 10 to 15 years I may start to become wiser than I am right now.

Well She finally gave me a choice last night. She said that I need to dress up to make me feel happy and find my self that we would split and remain friends. She also said that she would never be comfortable with me dressing up.

So now the ball is in my court, and I don't know how to procede. I love her and the kids, but should I sacrifice my happniess and one true outlet. She tells me that I need to start doing things that make me happy but I am afraid that if I tell her this that she will not want to have anything to do with me.

I know that my family comes FIRST, but at what point do I say to myself that my needs/wants come first? If I am unhappy then they are unhappy.

I just wish that these decisions would be easy to make!