All over!!!

[Deborah Jane]

Well now it,s going to be official at the end of the month!!
My so called "trial separation" that started in October 2006 will now be finalised as a divorce at the end of May 2008!!!
So after 27 years and 3 children together, the girl/woman i,ve been with since childhood and myself start new lives apart!!
The reason? Because i admitted i like to dress as a woman sometimes!!!
Something i thought i,d beaten before i got married, so i never told her about it, until it came back to haunt me later in life!!!

So where do i go from here?
A middle aged guy who likes to dress as a woman?

Any ideas about what i should do next gratefully received!!!

All of a sudden i feel so alone with this again...I came here to feel like i was in company, but i,m just sitting here staring at a computer screen, knowing the only people in the world who may understand how i feel are a world away!!

[nikki47]

Hi Deborah,I felt so sad reading your post.I don't have an answer to where you go now.This could happen to any one of us and for what,just enjoying dressing.My thoughts are with you,sorry i couldn't be more helpful but i feel for you,i really do.

Take Care Nikki :hugs:

[Emily Ann Brown]

From a girl whose "numbers" are 38yrs/3kids and separated since July 2006, I would say FIND YOURSELF.



How much do you "want/need" to dress?

Do you "want/need" a female companion?

Where do you want to be in 5 years?



The answer to your question lies within the honest answers to these issues.


Emily Ann

[AmyH]

Sorry to hear about the Deborah. I know words can only say so much be we are all here for you.

[renee k]

Hi Deb,

I went through a divorce similar to yours sixteen years ago. With two children. We were married for twenty years. She new about my crossdressing before we married, thought I would change, but you know how that goes.

My advise to you, is move forward with your life, don't dwell on the past. Keep a strong and close relationship with your children. Divorce is one of the toughest times to get though. Just keep looking forward to better days.

Huggs, Renee

[Melinda G]

One more good reason not to tell. Where are all the "Truth and Honesty" folks today?

[Sophie Angel]

Got divorced myself this year, although crossdressing wasn't an issue in it all. If you have a good relationship with your kids and have mainained it through the separation then everything should be OK.

OK, it's not what we may have wanted, but it's a new start - just think of all the possibilities! :)

[bobi jean]

What the f&%# is that??
Honey you should try
ALL OVER, NOT!!!!! just beginning.
I am truely sorry for your current situation, divorce/seperation w/children is never fun but as long as you stay as close as possible, and supportive of your kids, as well as maintaining a decent friendship with your X, you should be just fine. It may take a while but you will find your way. chances are you will enjoy your future just as, if not more than your past.
Good LUCK SWEETY AND WE ARE NOT A WORLD AWAY,, JUST A FEW STROKES ON THE KEYBOARD AND A WORLD OF FRIENDS WILL APPEAR.

[MJ]

The reason? Because i admitted i like to dress as a woman sometimes!!!
Something i thought i,d beaten before i got married, so i never told her about it, until it came back to haunt me later in life!!!

funny how we all have wayyyy to much in common .
i am the same as you . after 22 years of a wonderful marriage 3 children 1 adopted total 4 kids , i could not get rid of my demons and she found out pow it's all over ..

but it was also a fresh start for me . i have made new friends found the courage to go full time ..Think of this has a new start in life

hey Deb's
your friends are a key stroke away ..:drink:

[joank]

I agree with bobi jean. Just stay close and supportive but move on.

[Edyta_C]

We're here for you. Most of us have gone thru something similar in life. Please hang in there.

Hugs Edyta

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks everyone for being here...
I was in two minds whether to open up here really, but i,m glad i did now
Thank you for your kind words and support:hugs:

I dunno what else to say really!!

Thank you:love:

[KayR]

Deborah Jane:
Whereabouts in the world are you? Which continent? Maybe theres an organisation near you?

[Kate Simmons]

Only one thing you can do Deb. Be happy being yourself. I'm proud to have you as a friend in any case.:hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

I went thru the separation divorce thing. All done 1 and 1/2 years ago. I feel for u! Hardest time in my life!

I never really started serious CDing until I was separated, 10 years ago. I'm well past middle age and I'm having the CD time of my life!

Just hang loose. What u want to do, where u want to go in your life, will come to u eventually! Meanwhile, just think. U have no limits on what u can do, except self imposed ones!

I hope u will find happiness again. And soon!

[Angie G]

Not having gone though this I won' be much help but I'm sorry to get this news. life go 's on so you must build a new one it may take some time so be strong. and know we are here for you and love you hun.I don't know if it can help but if you would likk to talk you can PM me:hugs:
Angie

[Mitzi]

Like so many who have/will respond here, I too almost went that route after 50+ years of marriage. Happily, we're still together, she realized life was much better with me, even with all my shortcomings.

My wife made me tell our three adult "kids" and my sister about my dressing, as justification for her throwing me out... They were surprised, but no biggie. The point here is that, as much as I dreaded moving out, having them know was a relief, and made the situation more palatable.

So if you feel your kids can accept it, tell them, you'll feel liberated, and it'll be easier going forward.

Mitzi

[SueAnncd]

I experienced the same thing and it takes a while to get over. Keep in contact with the kids and keep on as good terms as you can with your ex. Now I take advantage of the time alone to dress whenever I wish and even better now I can sleep in the nighties I have always yearned for.

SueAnn

[Emily Ann Brown]

MelindaG:


Where am I ???? Right here where I always am.

If Debs had been honest BEFORE getting married she probably wouldn't be getting a divorce....her now EX would have never said "I do".

You just don't get it and never will. We set ourselves up for failure and heartache when we aren't honest in the beginning. And by the way, where are you dear? Debs didn't mention you being online with her all morning trying to be a friend and give her a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah yeah Tamara, I know....I'm on probation again for picking a fight. Oh well. I love ya anyway.


Emily Ann

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks again for your support:hugs:
My kids know about Debs and are ok with it..[i told em after we 1st split because my ex threatened too]
At the moment i,m staying temporarly with a relative who also knows about Debs and is ok

Until today, i kinda hoped things would straighten out between my ex and me, but i guess the letter means it,s permanant...No going back i guess!!!

I,m just glad i,ve got friends here who understand me:love:

[MsJoann]

That sucks to hear your story. It's hard to try and figure out what females think about what we do. I know that their first reaction is shock. My girlfriend of 12 years knew over the 12 year span somewhat of what I was doing.
Yes, I remember when she first found the tags from my bra/panty set. She thought there was another woman in my life.
I was caught off-guard and had no choice to tell her what I was wearing underneath when she wasnt around.
With time it had become a "cute" little part of my personality.
It also has blossomed to where she knows I wear women's clothing...however...the real shock came when she saw a pic of me fully dressed.
I wasn't the man that she knew. The shock was based on the fact that I was perhaps leading another lifestyle that I was hiding from her.
We joke about it from time to time....she still doesn't understand why I do this...and she burys her head in the sand and doesn't want to understand.
Time can heal and adjust lives. Maybe with luck, your wife will look at this differently.
The best thing you can do now is be honest with her conveying your feelings.

[Melanie R]

When I went through the same in 1979 (the judge gave me the custody of the two teen daughters in spite of my dressing), three months later I met my current wife who in our second month of marriage embraced Melanie with open arms. I know many other CD's who have found that special woman who did accept them. Do not give up hope. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel!

Melanie

[Mitzi]

Melinda G...

I'm with Emily...

You just don't get it and never will. We set ourselves up for failure and heartache when we aren't honest in the beginning. And by the way, where are you dear? Debs didn't mention you being online with her all morning trying to be a friend and give her a shoulder to cry on.
You've apparently never loved someone enough to delude yourself that you could quit CDing. So at the time, it was not being dishonest.

BTW, your comments when I was going through my ordeal were callous and hurtful...

Mitzi

[StacyCD]

A lot of people who do not crossdress get divorced--sometimes more than once! Statistically, over 50% of marriages end in divorce and since I don't think that 50% of males crossdress people must be getting divorced for reasons unrelated to crossdressing. And of course there are some wives who happily live with crossdressing husbands. So I don't know if the divorce rate for crossdressers who tell (after marriage) is greater than the national average. Certainly, some marriages break up because of crossdressing and yours is a case in point. However, usually/occassionally/sometimes these marriages would have ended for some reason totally unrelated to crossdressing or crossdressing is simply the 'last straw'.

More to the point, divorce is not fun and those who are unfortunate enough to have to go through it need support and encouragement. Just know that people survive divorce and some come out of the process better and even happier people! It certainly may be hard to see that possibility now but I have to believe it is true!

Good luck on the next phase of your life.

[flacindycd]

Sorry to hear hon, I too am in the same boat, except I 'm at the debating stage of telling her, I"m 54 married 32 yrs, 3 kids and scared silly of telling her...but I'm not sure how long I can stay this unhappy!!!

[deja true]

Oh, Debs! I'm so sorry...

But a few stories still have happy endings here. When you're ready to look again, if you want to, you'll at least know how to go about it this time.

Remember the thread last week about happily married couples? Most were 2nd chance happenings. Go look for that one and read it through.

Life is tough and strange in our world, but there are happy, even ecstatic moments...

And as our favorite party girl, you deserve all our

respect & love, (and lots and lots of these :hugs:)

deja

[iwearstockings]

One more good reason not to tell. Where are all the "Truth and Honesty" folks today?

No i disagree.. He did the right thing to tell his wife. Its miserable to live a lie and want to be open about it with those you love. Jeez you'd think we were serial killers not just men who like to wear clothes. If your S/O really can't handle it does she really love you? I mean REALLY love you?

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks again everyone:hugs:
I guess i just gotta deal with this..I,m not the first and i doubt i,ll be the last!!



Debs didn't mention you being online with her all morning trying to be a friend and give her a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah yeah Tamara, I know....I'm on probation again for picking a fight. Oh well. I love ya anyway.

Emily Ann

And a big THANK YOU EM :hugs:..I,m glad you called me, chatting with you helped a lot:love:

Also a big thank you for the support i got through PMs and messages from my friends on messenger:hugs:

I guess i,m not really alone after all:)

[Marla]

My first wife divorced me because she found my things and didnt understand. She said she couldve understand more if I was seeing another woman! At that point I figured out that I was not doing anything wrong just a little differently than most.
I live in a middle class world with middle class values that dont include my activities and so I have to be closeted and careful, but I dont think "wrong" is a word that should be applied to us. Keep visiting the forum and look ahead and not behind. We all put our panties on one leg at a time and are here for you! Marla

[CD Susan]

Hi Debs, I am saddened to have read your post and want you to know that I hope things get better for you. I went thru a similar situation years ago. I told my wife of 15 years about my cd'ing and she could not accept it. I made the mistake of not telling her about before we got married, I thought I could change. We ended up getting devorced because she could not accept the cd part of me. That was 13 years ago and it changed my life for the better. I am a much happier person now. I wish you the best in getting thru this difficult time in your life. I hope in the future you can look at this as a blessing as it was for me. Hang in there and remember all of us are here for you if you need us.

[carhill2mn]

I know how you feel as I, am in a similar circumstance. My wife had known that I was a CD for about 25 years. At first she tried to understand and be even a little supportive. In a few years she hated "it" and everything associated with "it". In Feb., 2006 she told me that she no longer hated me for not stopping my CDing. We had about a year where things were fairly good. Then in Aug. of 2007, I confronted her about her recent unusual behavior and she told me she was going to file for a divorce. In Oct., the day before our 44th wedding anniversary, she started the divorce proceedings. My CDing was not the only reason but, she made it one of the main ones.
In Nov. we told our daughters and sons-in-law. Of course, she had to use my CDing as part of her justification. It turned out that they were more upset about the divorce than they were about my CDing. This really upset my wife
as she felt that she had "protected" me all those years for nothing.
We have kept the divorce as civil as we could. The judge signed the papers on May 8, 2008. We are still living together as she is buying a condo next week.
So, I too, must "move on" as best I can.

[Celeste]

Hi Deb,I've come to look at my divorce decree as a blessing. In my marriage control had taken the drivers seat and vows had all been forgotten by the time she was using money ,my child,and other family members to be fully manipulative.When the smoke had cleared and it was over,I was upset and left with very little.

Today I wake up cheerful and free.My decisions are mine alone and don't require a seal of approval from anyone and with indecision out of my life I've learned I can tackle many of life's tougher obstacles.Marriage was an important part of my life though in that it taught me how not to be the sacrificial lamb.

[Sam-antha]

A few public words for you Debs, ones that you will have to use time and again, sometimes happily and sometimes sadly.


Every ending is, when you reach it, a new beginning.
The problem is, as you have found out,
"What is the beginning ?".
You will know when it starts itself.

[Oddlee]

My divorce, over ten years ago, really had nothing to do with my cross-dressing. My ex-wife initiated the process, and it came as a small surprise. However, in my innermost being I was glad it was going to happen.

Does this mean I felt great from the moment I first got the summons? No way - change of such magnitude is painful and difficult, even if you want it to happen. There is so much uncertainty. I think I went through all the stages of mourning. I can't imagine how debilitating it would be if you didn't think it would be a change for the better.

After a while, you will be able to do two things you probably cannot do now: recall the good times you shared with her and look forward to the good times yet to be experienced - and they WILL happen!

Good luck!

Lee

[Laurelanne]

My first marriage was the same...BUT move on be strong be who you are pull up your hose and strut away.. live by "your own quote"..LOL
Theres pages and pages of positive thinking crap to say and remember but the ONLY one that got me thru and back into being me was...to yourself be true..you canlie to evryone else...
Congrats and all the best:drink:

[TGMarla]

Hi Deb. It looks like a pretty good show of support. I'm sorry we're only virtual, and not a few blocks away. I know what it's like to be all alone. I'm middle aged, too. Young girls don't much look at me anymore, and I'd not like my prospects now should my wife and I ever part.

It's too bad that this crossdressing thing is the lynch pin to your relationship. I have no idea what your marriage was like, but some have got to be better than others. My wife and I have had our serious differences, and are really getting along well right now, and we actively planning our future together. It feels good. But there are times when I wonder if it's hanging by a thread. What would happen if she ever came home and found me all dressed up? I wonder.

In all my days, crossdressing is easily the most detrimental activity that I have ever engaged in. I love it, I do it quite alot, and I couldn't imagine not doing it. But it has also been the albatross around my neck. So I empathize with your situation, and hope I don't wind up in a similar one.

Best wishes to you.

[Billijo49504]

Hi Deb, Sorry to hear of your problems. But mine was worse, I got to bury my first wife. She had cancer, but i found a new lady and she was wonderful. She helped me raise my 3 girls. And so can you. We share clothes and we love to shop for womens clothes together. I wish you well and really there is someone for you...BJ

[Lara Smith]

When you invest your heart and soul in a relationship and a family one always wants to hope for the best. Besides, as a CD, one has to be full of hope and trying, just to cope with what we have been given in life, and all of us want to believe in our hearts that everything will be okay, even when we know it probably won’t. It is part of who we are.

A smattering of those among us are brave and wise enough , or were far enough along in our CD journey when we suddenly met and fell in love with a girl we wanted to marry. It just happens. Remember that life happens while we are busy making plans!

As for “Should have told her upfront.” Let’s all remember that the ultimate shame society can heap upon a man, is to equate him with a woman. That goes for men AND women. Women can be just as brutal about that equation as men can. “Pantywaist”, “Sissy”, you all know what the list is. There is something very wrong with humans who think as a whole that women are some kind of inferior subspecies to men. To my thinking, it is the cause of rape, it is what keeps women (also victims of this thought process) in abusive relationships, and prevents them from making as much money as men doing the same job, etc., etc.!

Perhaps one of the reasons dressing like and emulating women is so powerful for us, is that it is a subconscious way for us to secede from all the wrongs males have heaped on females thought the history of our species, and a deeply rooted need to identify with a gender that is life giving, nurturing, supportive, non warring, etc.. There is nothing wrong with men per se; they just need to be more like women. Nature has played a dirty biological trick on us all, but we should be smart enough to recognize it and work it out. Biologically a man’s job is to be a beast of burden, a hunter, protector and a killer of animals and other men. Biologically a woman’s job is to be the gatherer and the nurturer of her children, and to a attract and KEEP the most powerful and successful male she can to provide food for her and her children and to protect them from any and all enemies.. It is the order of the universe as we experience it. It is at the root of the human and most animal species biological core and we can’t change that, but we can understand it and modify our behavior to fit a modern world and society. We are asking way too much sometimes to ask even the most understanding women to accept the fact that we can do this in panties and heels. It is a rare women who is free of all this biological and societal conditioning and can simply see this as an homage and as sexual and intellectual fun. Male or female, how many really free, intelligent, common sense filled, and enlightened individuals have you EVER met in your entire life. Really think about that.

As for what you are going through, I can only imagine how painful and lonely and difficult it is for you. I have had to face the reality that even though my spouse has been very good with it at times, she is basically a redneck cowgirl who was almost a hippie that could never shake her redneck roots and it has been very hard for her for the most part, and I never know how she really is feeling about my other self, no matter how far she has been willing to delve into it. Sometimes it has been very much further than even I was willing to go, and it was she that forced me to be okay with it in front of and with her. That doesn’t mean that one day she wouldn’t divorce me for it and beat me with it!

Love your children. Try and love and forgive your wife. Above all, love yourself for who and what you are. None of us chooses this. But I truly believe it is a wonderful gift in every respect and it has a benefit to every aspect of our life even when we can’t see it and even when it makes our lives unbearably difficult.

It is a new beginning. Begin anew and allow yourself to experience the grace and what can come to your mind, body and soul as a result. There is something good and wonderful waiting for you in the future if only you will allow yourself to find it.

Lara.

[StayceeCD]

MelindaG:

If Debs had been honest BEFORE getting married she probably wouldn't be getting a divorce....her now EX would have never said "I do".


Emily Ann

Easy to judge by todays standards but way back when, with no internet, support and most of us thinking we were freaks of nature it's no wonder many of us did not tell! I myself TRULY thought when I got married the "urges" would stop.. Well, obviously they didn't! We were quite simply not educated enough about what being a CD is! How could it be explained to a potential wife if WE didn't know what the hell was going on ourselves? Deb I am sorry you are going through this.. Be the best Dad you can to the kids and realize that you may be heartbroken now but good things will be in store for you! Different, but good! Enjoy and stay happy!
Staycee

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Deborh Jane, I guess you will here this from a lot of us, but life dose go on. My wife of 30 yrs divorced me in 05 , wanted to kill my self at first. Took all the licquor in the hosue went to a local motel and started drinking. The more I drank the soberer I got. Well needless to say I am in Sunny Fl with a women 12 yrs younger then me [ I am 67 ] . Who treats me wonderful. we are both the same size in all our cloths and even shoes. She wears more of my cloths than I do. We are a 16 and 10 1/2 to 11 in shoes depending on style. I don't know about England but here in Fl. I have found that the women, I went out with love men who dress. My kids still love me I have 4 they have there own problems that probley are more pressing than if there Dad dress's as a women. They probley knew, or there mother told them so don't sweat the small stuff dress have fun. tell all the women you meet what you like to do its a trun on for most of them. Find one the same size as you as you end up with two wardrobs an a lot of nice jewerly to boot. When you go shoping it is a blast . Good luck and you look lovely.

Josephine

[Deborah Jane]

WOW!!
I am deeply touched by the support i,ve been getting here:)
Like many of you have told me "Life must go on"

I,ve still got the love of my 3 children and if only for them, i need to get through this and find myself again!!

Hopefully i,ll come through this a newer, better person.
I think deep down i know this is for the best. I told my ex about my c/ding originally because i was struggling to live a lie and keep denying my c/d self.
Maybe by going through the hard times i,m in now, i,ll find the better times beyond.

One very valuable lesson i,ve learned by doing this the "hard way" is that next time i,ll be honest from the start about being a c/der in any relationship that may become serious...If she doesn,t accept, then i,ll know she,s not the "right one", but if she does...Who knows!!!

Thank you again everyone, just reading the messages of support i,ve received here has made me feel 100% better about my life and made me realise that no matter how far apart we are in the world physically..Emotionally we are in the same room!!

:love::hugs:Debs XXX

Maybe it,s not All over, maybe it,s Only just begun!!

[Andine]

Hi!
Dear Deborah

Im a bit ahead of you with this, and perhaps I can offer a bit of advice and condolence.

Here is my story ... I hope that you can draw some help from it. You are welcome to show it to her as well if you think it will help.

My ex and I grew apart over several years, and she took up residence in the spare room. (She is 18 years my junior ) The CD thing was a factor in this but not all of it ... We simply grew apart. One day about 3 years ago she came to me and said that she had found a person that she was interested in .... At this stage she had not done anything about it.

I thought about this for about 4 seconds, and told her to go ahead and have fun. I said how she had given me the best 20 years of her life, and 2 great boys, and that she had my blessing to enjoy her life to the full.

She was a bit taken aback, but went ahead. We stopped being mariage partners and became financial partners. Never have I doubted her cincerety or she mine.
We were advised to see the lawyers about a property settlement. I rang and they said that it would cost $10k or so and that she needed her own lawyers as well ( another $10k or so)

That adds up to $20k and you can safely double or tripple it. Instead of this I viewed it as a negotiating range within which we could find our own equitable ballance. She agreed that it was a good approach.
I had a think about it and I suggested a different approach. We borrowed $450k against our joint owned house. ( we could do that as a couple only ) She got $350k to buy an investment property in her name only, mortgauged against both properties. I got $100k to play on the share market ( I'm retired for some years ) Now we are financial partners!

Who are we going to leave our stuff to ..... The kids of course ... My will is in her favour for the kids .... Her will is in my favour for the kids. The lawyers never got a look in and we din't loose a dime!

Our property was worth $480k at valuation and hers is worth a further $ 350k. Now this place is worth nearly $600k and I still live in it! As does one of our boys.
She is in Singapore as a teacher and earns twice the salary she had here. ( and pays only 8% tax instead of 38% here) ... We are still friends and looking after our boys. She still has her Frenchman, and she spends some of her time with him and some with us.
We comunicate a few times a week on Emails and I look after her incoming mail in case that there is financial stuff to be dealt with.


Now the point of all this is that we are still friends and still have each others trust. Together we are far better off than before and can still help each other. By being reasonable and not coveting what was no longer offered I have made a friend, and partner out of a failed mariage. It has not ended in a painfull and acrimonious parting with knives drawn. Instead we have salvaged our sanity, our friendship and our honor!

How good is that??

[Sam-antha]

Sorry Debs, I forgot to tell you that ;



You do not have to hurry to meet the future
that is coming your way.
It is watching it happen that makes life interesting.

[TxKimberly]

Awe Deborah,

I'm SO sorry! I can't imagine how bad that must feel and I'm so sorry you must go through it.

Kimberly