Need to Vent

[janelle]

The one place I can come & people understand everything. I have had it with everything!!!!!!!!! I have cut back on my treatments, I have not been shopping for anything since I can't remember when. I don't think I could even tell you what my salon looks like as I haven't been there in forever.
I have seen my 2 therapist's & they both feel my depression is back & worse than before. I see my shrink on Friday & believe it or not I am almost hoping she puts my ass in the hospital. Seems like all those that where around earlier have taken off to start doing summer things. This is truely the only place where I can talk & have people relate to what is going on. Ya its sad, I even have had thoughts or wishes that someone would run a light & hit me. I write to preople to help at work, no answers, see no one gives a damn about any of us. I feel like I am beating my head against a light pole or a stone wall.
Guess I should just shut up cause I know all of you may not be in any better position.
Take care Ladies,
Janelle

[Amy Hepker]

Janelle,

Take it easy girl, like you said many of us have been there done that. Are you taking any anti-depressants??? Do not expect a therapist to give you these. You need top see your regular doctor to get them. You don't even have to tell him/her that you are a CDer, just that you have been depressed lately and you feel that you need them. Just hang in there, if I can go through a mental and physical hell for 16 years with a wife that was addicted to Cystal Meth, you can last for a long time too.

[janelle]

Amy, my shrink is the one that put me on anti depression meds.. That is how I found out for a fact that I always wanted to be the girl I thought I was inside. It did not help that we have to go threw a mail order group for our meds because thats what the company I work for wanted. This whole bout started because theu were late in getting here.
I always try to remember that others can & mostlikely are worse off then me, but when there is no one around one feels so lost & alone.
Thanks dear for caring. Have a happy Mother's Day.

Janelle

[Sharon]

I don't know what to write to make you feel better, Janelle, but if there is no one in your life who cares for you, you always have us. I'm trying to not sound trite as I write these words, but my care for you is sincere, even if from afar.

You seem to be where I was not that long ago, although, unlike yourself, I wasn't smart enough to seek help when I needed it most. The problem with depression -- well, one of them, anyway -- is that it creates a skewed vision of our lives. I would bet, in a better frame of mind, that you would see that there is someone who cares for you, even if it's someone you may not be seeking it from.

Try to be strong, get yourself back on a regular routine with your meds, and trust yourself that you have a life that will only get better if you allow it to happen. The knowledge that there are many others who are in worse situations than we are can be helpful, but, when it comes down to it, it is yourself that you need to be concerned with.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[janelle]

Thanks Sharon.

Hugs,
Janelle

[GypsyKaren]

Janelle, I've been through the deal with waiting on mail order meds so I do know what it's like, but you need to try and calm down. If it's going to be awhile till they come, call your doctor and get a prescription for just enough to last you, it shouldn't take too many so it shouldn't cost that much at the drugstore.

What else is going on Janelle? As a charter member of the Depression Club, I know that lots of times there's a trigger or event that touches depression off. We're all here for you, and we can chat privately if you wish, I'm here for you anytime and every time. :hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[janelle]

Thanks Karen, your so sweet. I missed the meds after I talked with my therapist in the Cities. She had asked me how I thought of myself, of coarse I said a woman. She then asked me do I ever think of myself as a transwoman as that is what I am. So I was doing that when I missed my meds, & the thoughts of all the things I missed growing up that I should have enjoyed haunted me. Then like everyone, take the fact money is getting used up for gas to get to & from work & not leaving much for anything else has me wondering how I can go on, so I start pushing at work to get Insurance coverage. Which by the way I may have found something showing them that they are discriminating against me by not covering this. So as you can see its just one thing on top of another & when you have no one at hand to go chat with it builds up. I hate bring this here as I know most people don't give 2 hoots about it. Yes there are a few dear friends here that care & I am very,very greatful for that, but somethings you just need to talk with someone & get a hug, you know what I mean. Maybe the easy way to sum this up is like chicken little said, "the sky in falling", hehehe, well maybe better would be everything at once & not sure where to cut cornors.
I hope this helps all understand. As for the meds thing, the company said we can get a 14 day supply at our regular co-pay if they are late, guess thats better than nothing.
Karen you have helped me alot & I am very thankful. I believe you truely understand what I mean by what I write or at least try to put into words. Like I said b4, many here at worse off than I & I should be thankful I am doing as good as I am, but as you all know it still hurts.

Thanks all, Big Hugs,
Janelle

[Tamara Croft]

Listen up missy, don't let me hear you talking like that again :slap: you have a sister on the other side of the world... getting hit by whatever aint an option, so you can just stop talking like that right now, or I'm hopping on a plane and come over there, to bitch slap you myself!!! :bitchslap:

You know, you will always have us here and you will always have me :hugs: Life is hard, it's hard for a lot of people... I've been where you are, but for different reasons, you just need to fight, keep going, be positive and don't let others get you down. If they don't answer your letters, screw them, they ain't worth a damn... we on the other hand are always here :hugs:

[janelle]

Hey Sis maybe I need a good bitch slapping but only if I can get a nice sisterly hug afterwards.

I know Tamara that there are many here, I just feel guilty droping my things on those that have their own troubles. As you can see there are many sweet ladies here & I am very greatful for that. Just being able to chat with a few helps to ease some of the pain I have right now. I have no plans of giving in but it is hard when you have no one by your side for that like extra hug. I wish I could afford to come & meet you & several others from here but my job & money just won't let me, so I keep those of you who help, & care very close in my heart.
Thank you all.
Oh sis, have a Happy Mothers Day.
Hugs & kisses,
Janelle

Hey Sis,
if not getting hit by a whatever is not an option, how about Robin shooting me with an arrow?


hehehehehehehehehe, just teasing. Thanks for loving help.
little sister,
Janelle

[GypsyKaren]

Janelle, you are never a bother about anything, we are all here to help and support each other, that's what it's all about.

Karen Starlene :star:

[janelle]

Thanks sweetie

Hugs & Kisses to you & Kat,

Janelle

[Charleen]

Hi girlfriend. Like Karen, I'm a charter member of the Depression club. Sometimes I think I'm one of the co-founders! Even though I've been treated for clinical depression, I still have my down times. What helps me is a book that a therapist recommended. It's called "Feeling Good-The new Mood Therapy". It makes you look at your thinking and how wrong it can be. It's helped me a great deal.
Lawdy it can be tough. I will only speak for me on this. I've found for me,that yes, I have the usual stresses in my life, but being TG adds to the pile to day the least! Going back to my teens I've had suicidal thoughts. Looking back, I now realise some were caused by being being who I am, and not realising that was a part of the problem. Back in the '60's, nothing was said except negatively, and there was no info available about CDing, let alone Tg. Except for Christine Jurguson, it was either hushed up, laughed at or both. With the attitudes at the time, I wound up in guilt, shame and denial aboput my need to wear woman's clothing.
Today, I know who I am. No guilt, shame and especially no denial. It's still rough though. For 2 years after I found this site,(thank you all!), I finally started to allow myself to outwardly express who I am. However in the last few months I started to feel that the way I looked was affecting the way I was treated at work so about a month ago away went Lily and here came Charlie back in full force. Stopped shaving, and full drab mode! I was miserable! Nothing changed at work either. Lily's coming back. I have to be who I am. I have to develop a thicker skin to deal with those who don't agree with anyone who does not conform to their narrow way of how the world be, act and dress.
Hang in there dearheart. We're with you here! These gals and gyys have been there for me over the years and we are here for you as well. You;re right in the fact that we can not only spill our guts here, but also to people that understand!
Love and XXXX, Lily:hugs:

[janelle]

Thanks Lily, This place is a blessing. & its funny that so many can care about someone they have not met in person. Yes, for me, this feels like a very loving family & that love is showing in my time of need. Things seem to be getting better, but I am not going to let my guard down. I know I have some self imposed stress coming in the way of paying for my laser treatments. I keep looking at the whole picture & when I can see the results, if only in my mind now, I know it is all worth it. Like my title says, I needed to vent as I do feel all alone here in my little cornor of Wisconsin.
Alot of you have gone thru this already & have an insight as to what is going on, where in my case, its all different than what I was told one should be as a male & if you like this your nuts. Well believe me, those are the nutty ones. Each person has some kind of need & for our group this is what we are. I am proud of who & what I am. I believe in myself. Maybe my biggest fault is I am trying to change the world for others like myself. Maybe I just need to enjoy who I am & say the H--L with worlds views.
Thanks to all the loving people here I have made great forward moves in my coming out, & accepting of myself. Yes that is maybe the biggest step & the rest are minor ones but we all still need somebody & everyone here I know are here for me.

THANK YOU ALL!
Hugs & Kisses,
Janelle

[Melinda]

"we have to go threw a mail order group for our meds"
Well, at least Estradiol is on the $4/30 and $10/90 day list at Wal-Mart. That's really cheap.


Amy, my shrink is the one that put me on anti depression meds.. That is how I found out for a fact that I always wanted to be the girl I thought I was inside. It did not help that we have to go threw a mail order group for our meds because thats what the company I work for wanted. This whole bout started because theu were late in getting here.
I always try to remember that others can & mostlikely are worse off then me, but when there is no one around one feels so lost & alone.
Thanks dear for caring. Have a happy Mother's Day.

Janelle