Would Love Some Feedback

[Michelle PJ]

I never posted in the Transsexual Forum but I thought what I am about to write was better placed here. I've been crossdressing actively for over 20 years and am approaching my mid-50s. At times in the past I have sneaked estrogen pills from my wife's supply in the hopes of experiencing some kind of "change", counseled with a mtf transition doctor and lately have awoke every morning thinking of taking hormones to a point where I could have a feminine shape (hips and breasts) and be able to justify wearing women's clothes much, much, much more often. My feelings now are that I would "stop right there" and go no furhter with transitioning. I shave my body hair in the winter and let it grow in for the summer due to demands by my wife. However, I would shave everything again tomorrow if "allowed" and not worry about bare legs and chest with shorts/swimwear and potential embarrasing questions. That way I could experience being fully dressed whenever I desire. I wear panties every day, with determination that it's right for "me", would wear bra too, but I get too many people putting arms and hands on my shoulder and don't want to deal with being "outted" at work at this time. In the view of those who identify as transsexual, am I just a crossdresser? Are there crossdressers who take hormones to get a more desirable female appearance and is that one of the "norms" in the TG spectrum?

Sorry for the long post.

Michelle

[GypsyKaren]

What did you talk about with the doctor, and what kind is he? I can't say that I've ever heard of a "transitioning" doctor, just curious. Just by going on what you've said, I've heard nothing to suggest you're transsexual.

As for the hormones, sneaking an occasional pill won't do anything except deplete your wife's supply faster. Can a crossdresser take hormones? Sure, you can do anything you want, it's your dime. I myself don't see the point to it, but people can do what they want.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Michelle PJ]

Hi Karen,

Thanks for replying. I am reluctant to provide the name of the physician but she is a transexual MD, who sees both men and women on transgender issues, long term counseling, and those interested in hormones, for purposes ranging from those wanting to appear more feminine to those seeking SRS. What I talked about with her were the thoughts I had about wanting curves (as superficial as that may seem). I completed a fairly long questionnaire that I suppose was for her use on the degree to which I identifed as transgendered.

Michelle

[dancinginthedark]

Good morning Michelle :wave: First let me say I applaud you for looking for answers but the truth is your doctor can only ask you the questions hun. YOU have the answers.

I can appreciate the doctor asking many many questions to help you determine where you are on the TG spectrum. Just remember for many the term means different things. For me at least it means:
*Transgendered is an umbrella term that covers anyone with gender differences, such as crossdressing, transvestite, gender queer or transsexual


Now that we have settled what TG is in my mind and we are on the same page (I hope) please know this isn't an overnight fix and you won't find the answers after filling out a single questionnaire no matter how long. -- I can even appreciate you're turning to a doctor who is a transwoman. She would certainly seem a logical choice. Please be aware that not all states require advanced schooling or even a degree to counsel someone. Like any kind of doctor or professional it is wise to check their creditably hun.

From a strictly lay person POV I would say you are more in the CD realm of things rather than TS. IF I may be blunt & put it in the simplest of terms hun it seems to me that for a CD it is more about the clothes and the desire to dress and to experience the feeling of being a woman or a man for a time. Or perhaps a means to incorporate the other gender into your life. But for a TS it is definitely not that simple (and trust me I don't mean to imply any of this is a simple matter. It ain't.) This is their life. They are women & men 24/7 no matter what they are wearing and no matter how the rest of the world may see them. Doesn't matter if their breasts are full and firm or flat as a pancake with a six pack they ARE women & men. For a TS they are fully women & men all day, every day whether the world can see that or not. And IT's not a choice it's life.

It seems to me your real questions are am I normal? Am I a freak? Am I somehow broken? Those I can answer Michelle. What is normal? No one fits the definition here or on any site I've ever seen or heard of. We are all wonderfully unique. The real thing is you do fit in somewhere. You are not alone and you are not a freak. Don't let society dictate to you. You ain't broken so you don't need fixed. What you need perhaps is to accept that you are who you are and that ain't a bad thing.

And here ends my mini rant. I am a GG. And as such maybe I don't have any right to be posting this but I am a human the same as all of you. I have many friends here who are who they are no matter where they fit on that TG spectrum and I love em' all. For me the most important tag and the only one I really apply freely is "family" I'll learn along side the rest of you and kept educating folks one person at a time until we no longer need society or doctors to tell us who or what we are.

I wish you the best on your journey.

:rant:

hugs,
Mae

[melissaK]

As much as I don't think there's a bright line between CDing and TSism, if you are using the lack of a bright line to give yourself permission to take hormones and still call yourself a CDer, I think you are kidding yourself.

You have some very long running trans issues, you are 50 something and your desires to dress full time as the opposite gender are increasing to the point you will take hormones that will induce irreversible body changes. Sounds like late onset m-t-f transsexualism to me.

Maybe I am projecting my issues onto you, but then again, takes one to know one. If you think you are crossing that blurry line, you are far from alone. This late onset sneaks up on many guys. The feelings that you have always been able to pass off as "cross dressing" keep increasing and it becomes unmanageable. Purging won't make it go away - like throwing away a boomerang it comes back, and worse. You find yourself heavily invested in an adult role as a male, with wife, family and job, none of whom are likely to comprehend why you'd want to spend the rest of your time as a woman.

Check out gender therapist anne vitale's site for her essays and papers about the matter. http://www.avitale.com/. Carl Bushong's site has words about it as well. And other sites too.

And nothing wrong with finding a gender experienced counselor in your area to help you talk out "your" situation.

hugs,
'lissa

[DeeInGeorgia]

I kind of use the genderqueer word to describe myself. There was a time in my early teens that I thought I had been born with a birth defect and that I would actually start developing breasts. It didn't happen and I was a little bit crushed and got over it, but there has always been a part of me that has been gender strange that women picked up on and also came out in my college yearbook senior picture. While dating, I developed a lot of girl friends, and seemed to interact with me differently that with other males. They would talk to me like I was one of the girls. When it came to a girlfriend, I just couldn't connect with those women.

So what I am saying is that there is TS and CD and there are also some that are in-between and I have no problem with someone being a guy with breasts and living as a tween (In Between).

Dee

[GypsyKaren]

As much as I don't think there's a bright line between CDing and TSism, if you are using the lack of a bright line to give yourself permission to take hormones and still call yourself a CDer, I think you are kidding yourself.

You have some very long running trans issues, you are 50 something and your desires to dress full time as the opposite gender are increasing to the point you will take hormones that will induce irreversible body changes. Sounds like late onset m-t-f transsexualism to me.

Wanting to dress more and wanting hormones doth not a transsexual make, sorry, and there's a huge line between crossdressing and transsexualism. The reason that many don't see it is because they either have their eyes closed or are to high up in the clouds. The clothes mean nothing to us, it's all about our true identity and it's something that constantly eats away at us inside.

Hormones? I wish I had $1 for every time I've seen a crossdresser come here wanting them, I could buy an island in the South Pacific by now. She says she wants them to "justify" wearing the clothes more often, and she talked to a specialist about wanting "curves", none of this comes close to suggesting transsexualism to me.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Emily Anderson]

As previously stated, I don't think this is a real MtF thing, but a desire to appear more female in order to enhace your crossdressing experience. It sounds to me like you're into the fantasy of having more feminine features without going "too far". There's nothing wrong with that per se, but I think you really need to consider very carefully what it is exactly you are looking for, because you can't "be" and "not be" at the same time when it comes to modifying your body.

[Kimberley]

I think that the one thing every transsexual can say is this. We just KNOW our gender and sexual identification are opposed. There is no question of it in our minds.

The questions we face is what are we going to do about it and how will we get those goals accomplished.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[AmberTG]

OK, here comes that big, nasty word that I think applies to me as well as any other description that I've heard, it may also apply to Michelle. It's the concept of Autogynephilia. I believe it does describe one of the various forms of transsexualism. It is by no means the only variation, but I do think that it's valid for some late onset transsexuals, including myself. It's not the worst thing that could happen to me, it just is what it is.

[Emily Anderson]

Amber,

As far as everything I have read on autogynephilia, it's merely an attempt to coin another word for the sake of claim to fame. A lot of male CD's are sexually aroused by the thought of themselves as a woman, or seeing themseleves dressed as a woman. Some take it a step further and modify their bodies to look like a woman, which is fine, but it is a very different concept than transsexualism. I don't believe it requires a new name, at least not a clinical one, as it essentially pertains to a CD who has undergone an extreme form of cosmetic surgery.

[AmberTG]

Oh, I agree with you Emily, it's just another way to describe a group of behaviors. But remember, the medical community needs labels for everything and this is just one of those labels. They have to call it something. A lot of autogynephilics transition to some extent, some go all the way, I figure if transition is what gives you the basic happiness in life that everyone seeks, then what difference does it really make if you call the condition this or that. All I can tell you is that, yes, there is a sexual connection to my dressing, and, yes, I do intend to transition as far as I can with what resources are available to me.

[KeriB]

IF I may be blunt & put it in the simplest of terms hun it seems to me that for a CD it is more about the clothes and the desire to dress and to experience the feeling of being a woman or a man for a time. Or perhaps a means to incorporate the other gender into your life. But for a TS it is definitely not that simple (and trust me I don't mean to imply any of this is a simple matter. It ain't.) This is their life. They are women & men 24/7 no matter what they are wearing and no matter how the rest of the world may see them. Doesn't matter if their breasts are full and firm or flat as a pancake with a six pack they ARE women & men. For a TS they are fully women & men all day, every day whether the world can see that or not. And IT's not a choice it's life.


Wow Mae, this is so true, to the point, succinct.. just wow. Like I try to explain to just my wife even, it doesn't have a thing to do with the clothes (used to way back when..), it's just a sense of correctness, of rightness, for me. Oh and it certainly isn't simple lol... I've had to explain that (for me..) it's no hobby, playing dress-up (no disrespect meant or implied plz..) and being done; anyone who wants this can deal with the real life issues I'm dealing with every day.. Just thought I'd take note that your "rant" struck a chord.. well put!

[deeasheville]

thinking of taking hormones to a point where I could have a feminine shape (hips and breasts) and be able to justify wearing women's clothes much, much, much more often. My feelings now are that I would "stop right there" and go no furhter with transitioning. I shave my body hair in the winter and let it grow in for the summer due to demands by my wife. However, I would shave everything again tomorrow if "allowed" and not worry about bare legs and chest with shorts/swimwear and potential embarrasing questions.


Michelle



To start, you have to take hormons for a long time to get body changes like the hips, but the breast will start growing in short order.
You say that you shave your body hair in the winter, but you let it grow in the summer. Well if you take high doses of hormons for 6 months or so, you will have breast that will not let you take your shirt off to go shimming. Breasts are not something that you can have today and not tomarrow. If you want only to take hormons until you can see change, well that change will not be seen by only you.
If you want to live as a woman 24/7 365 days a year, welcome.
If you lust want to look you like a woman, 6 months a year, I say don't take anything that will change your body.

[loriannetucson]

My biggest concern here in addition to everything else that was so succintly said by Karen and Amber already is this:

"Sneaking hormones" and now considering taking them just to alter the appearance of your body would be entirely unfair to your spouse if she was continuously unaware of you taking them. For me, it's about honesty in the relationship, and it already sounds that she may have issues even down to body hair. Whatever happens, the relationship should be based on openness.

I do not want to sound preachy and I'm sorry if I come across that way. I'm merely speaking from the experience of not having told my wife about my feelings until 5 years into the marriage. At this point, she may have not embraced the idea of me beginning hormones, but this was still a mutual decision. Me thinking I could somehow fool her in hiding them from her was unrealistic.

Good luck.
Lori

[AmberTG]

Well put, Lori!