Discussion with wife part 2

[Cassiemarie]

I was sitting at the kitchen table staring at the laptop when my wife asks "whats wrong?" Shes always had the uncanny ability to tell when something is festering on my mind. After many deep breathes I confided to her that her fear that my affinity for lipgloss [never too late posting] would escalate into something greater was beginning to come true. Her immediate reaction was an exasperating 'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it'. Needless to say that REALLY put me at ease. Now what do I say? I began by telling her I had been researching the subject of crossdressing on the internet, to include this website. I did my best to relate the "theories" associated with the reasons for men wanting or needing to express their desire or urges to dress in femminene attire. I told her that as a young boy of 8 to maybe 12 I would secretly try on my mother shoes and stockings but soon left those inquisitive feelings behind. At this point words cannot describe the look on her face. Have I dug a hole I'll never get out of? Well the proverbial cats out of the bag now isnt it! I do my utmost to collect my thoughts. I tell her I dont think there will be any resolution to these desires until I can experience a total immersion into my femmininity. I couldnt believe I just said that. The cards were on the table. "Just what does THAT mean"? was her reply. I want to, really desire to dress totally in womens clothes says I, waiting for I know not what. Do you mean in public? Of course not I answer. Then where? She had me there. Away from home - at a motel - at home when nobodys expected to be here? was all I could muster. SILENCE! You know you'll have to get a safe to put your things in. There will be no trying to hide stuff in drawers, in the garage, in the car, in the attic [we have a daughter and a very inquisitive 10 yr old grandson living with us]. I try to hide my disbelief. What is she trying to tell me without actually saying it? Her main concern [and rightfully so] is discretion and the devastating results of being outed. At this point she looks at me and says "Is this conversation over? I'm getting a headache". I myself was exhausted and thats where it was left. Believe me it didnt go as smoothly as I may have portraid it. There were many pauses, hemming and hawing, I dont knows and I'm not sures. But its over for now, out in the open and she expressed her gratitude for my being open and honest. WHEW!!!

[Shelly Preston]

Well you seem to be making progress

You being open and honest an her trying to be understanding about it :)

["Mary"]

Sounds very heavy. But as you've said, she appreciated your honesty and wasn't revolted by your interest itself.

Best Wishes.

[deja true]

Gosh Cassie! My heart was in my throat when I started reading that!

But as hard as that was for you, it looks like a small triumph.

Leave it for now. Give her time to digest the incredible news you just dropped on her. When she brings it up, answer with truth and respect and assurane, but without grovelling.

Be prepared . You know she'll have a battery of questions. I think Helen Boyd's book, My Husband Betty, would be a good intro for her when she's ready. In the first few pages alone, she addresses almost all the questions and fears that women have about CDing husbands.

She needs to know that you're still the same sweet guy she's lived with all this time. She already knows it a little, hence the common sense replies, rather than an explosion of vituperation. Work on that.

Your honesty in the past has served you well in this. Congratulations!

love,

deja

[Tree GG]

You mentioned in your intro that you felt like the flood gates were open and all things CD were rushing in to fill your world. Glad to see you took the well intended advice and threw your wife a life line in your tempest.

IMO, she took the rope. Careful you don't sail so erratically that she can't hang on, and let her know how happy it makes you that she has.

I know you're scared....she's scared. Those that find a way to bolster each other and ease those fears, not lose sight of their relationship while inventing your 'her', make for a much happier journey.

[Sandra]

Take it slow and don't push things, and when the questions come answer them as honestly as you can. Explain how you feel about dressing and listen to her concerns and worries, most importantly talk to each other. In time how about you suggest this site to her? there are plenty of GGs here who will support and give advice to her.

[Patty]

Take it slow and easy

[Tamara Croft]

I was sitting at the kitchen table staring at the laptop when my wife asks "whats wrong?" Shes always had the uncanny ability to tell when something is festering on my mind. After many deep breathes I confided to her that her fear that my affinity for lipgloss [never too late posting] would escalate into something greater was beginning to come true.So you didn't actually tell her you went out yesterday, trying on womens clothes and purchased them then?

How is that a good start? I fear you're only telling her now incase she finds your purchases, or did you actually tell her, show her?


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1299086&postcount=1

She began bringing me items to the dressing room until I found a perfect silky skirt with a flaired bottom and a beautiful two piece top that was a perfect match. They were quite pricey but bought them anyway. I was pleasantly invited to come back at any time and left with a huge smile on my face. I'm not sure about that smile on your face, I think if you are going to go down this road of buying stuff first etc, you're going to end up with egg on your face. As harsh as that sounds, don't let this carry on, tell her the truth before it goes too far.

[Tomara]

Hi Cassie , I admire your courage on telling your wife how you are feeling , But I have to agree with Tamara , as hard as it will be you have to be completly honest with her , If she finds you are hiding things from her she probably wont trust you. I wish the best of luck to the both of you . Tomara

[Cassiemarie]

you are exactly right. this will happen as soon as she gets
off the phone. thank you so much!

I thank you all. I was so focused on telling her about my desires yesterday and as difficult as it was for both of us it just never came to the surface. It was not intentional on my part to omit anything and it has been discussed. I know it wasnt meant, but I really felt guilty after reading your post Tamara, but you are right on and I appreciate your being so candid.

[JoAnnDallas]

Congradss I think. LOL Anyway, it sounds like your wife did not go screaming out the door. My wife has know I am a Cder for a year now but only in the last month has she seen me fuly dressed. We talked and talked and talked and she has now become more accepting of my CDing.
You will need to talk to her more about it all. The more you two talk about it the more compy you both will become with the subject. She does not seem to be totally against it.
Keep the communications going and be prepared to answer any and all questions as truthfully as you can. If she askes a question you don't really have an answer for, just say "you don't know". It's the truth, There are things about CDing I still don't know the answer to and I have been CDing for almost 50 years. LOL

[Vivian Best]

After many deep breathes I confided to her that her fear that my affinity for lipgloss [never too late posting] would escalate into something greater was beginning to come true. Her immediate reaction was an exasperating 'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it'. At this point words cannot describe the look on her face. Have I dug a hole I'll never get out of? Well the proverbial cats out of the bag now isnt it! I do my utmost to collect my thoughts. I tell her I dont think there will be any resolution to these desires until I can experience a total immersion into my femmininity. I couldnt believe I just said that. The cards were on the table. "Just what does THAT mean"? was her reply. I want to, really desire to dress totally in womens clothes says I, waiting for I know not what. Do you mean in public? Of course not I answer. Then where? She had me there. Away from home - at a motel - at home when nobodys expected to be here? was all I could muster. SILENCE! You know you'll have to get a safe to put your things in. There will be no trying to hide stuff in drawers, in the garage, in the car, in the attic [we have a daughter and a very inquisitive 10 yr old grandson living with us]. I try to hide my disbelief. What is she trying to tell me without actually saying it? Her main concern [and rightfully so] is discretion and the devastating results of being outed. At this point she looks at me and says "Is this conversation over? WHEW!!!

Cassiemarie,

To me your conversation went very well! Dropping something like that on your wife could have been like dropping water in hot acid. She could have exploded in epic proportions, but she didn't. You and she have been married a lengthy period of time by the fact you have a ten year old grandchild living with you and over this time she has been used to you being masculine and now you're wanting to be WHAT?, FEMININE! She just had her shining knight crumble before her eyes.

It took my wife years to partially come to terms with what I am. She still doesn't fully accept, more like grudgelingly tolerates. Unfortunately, in my case knowing my wife, that is the way it will always be! Good luck with your adventure.

[sandra-leigh]

My wife has know I am a Cder for a year now but only in the last month has she seen me fuly dressed. We talked and talked and talked and she has now become more accepting of my CDing.

My wife has also known for about a year; at least that's when we had The Talk (she'd found some of my things before that but didn't ask me about them for a few months.) She didn't freak out or expect me to stop or anything like that: she was concerned about my safety. She didn't know if she ever wanted to see me dressed... and yet by the time of my next monthly meeting, she had said that I could get dressed at home and go from there. I thought that was perhaps pushing things a bit and didn't intend to take her up on it, but she happened to get sick the day of the meeting, and I headed home to make some supper for her, so she did end up seeing me dressed that day, and she didn't run away. There's been times since then that she's driven me to the meeting. And she would joke about it.

It wasn't clear how much she was "accepting" versus how much she was "tolerating", but what has made a big difference for her has been going out with me to events a few times. She went to our annual banquet with me in early March, and in late April when I mentioned that I was going to a bar drag contest in support of the club president, she asked to go with me. And a week ago was our club annual "spouse appreciation" meeting night, so I asked her to attend with me, and she did.

After the meeting proper, into the socializing time, in talking quietly with one of the girls there, my wife said that when she found out, she was a bit queasy and uncertain about it all, but that now she'd had a chance to meet the people and see the community in action, she was feeling a lot better about it. And after the meeting and for the next two days, she talked to me about various aspects of the meeting or the community, taking the time to scan through the monthly newsletter and starting conversations on related topics. She hasn't talked to me about it in the days since, but that's mostly because she's been out of town since then.

The moral of this story is that when things are left to the imagination, there is uncertainty and apprehension and possibly fear. Does your wife believe that you are going to meetings or outings to neck with the other "girls"? Probably not really, but if the thought crossed her mind at some point and since she doesn't understand crossdressing, she might have caught in her mind that she doesn't really know anymore what you might or might-not do. But seeing the reality removes the mystique; the reality may still be one she would rather not think about, but thoughts that your social group are (e.g.) "sort of pathetic" are better than having a mental abscess about what you get up to. Familiarity with the reality might "breed contempt", but a little light contempt can be a lot more peaceful than a nagging at the back of the mind about "Why is my husband going to GAY BARS?!" and the like.

When I was dressing for the meeting the last week, in sight of my wife, she was shaking her head watching me inexpertly pull on some pantyhose. When I tore a big hole in them while trying to pull them smooth, she laughed hard and said that she knew that would happen, she could see it coming. And maybe to some people that might have come across as in a way that hurt feelings, but to me it was just good that she could be amused rather than sourfaced about the idea of me getting dressed. For her to see me wrecking my pantyhose just like women do made it easier on her, brought my dressing closer to her own experiences -- takes it out of "magic", and makes it just clothes.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Your plight sounded so familuar........ I know your heart was beating a million beats a second but I agree with the others, honesty is the best policy, just dont drive the train too fast.

I currently am in a discussion and slow transition to Jenny. I told wife many years ago, but she kind of took a dont look dont tell policy. (who know she was a republica and in the military too) LOL anyway recently I ahve brought it up with her just as you have and really I am so pleased I did. My wife and I have had some nice open truthful discussions, and the best part is being able to feel free of any hiding, and a conformation that we will commit to saty togeather.

I also have 2 sons, who have to know Dad is a bit femmy, however I think that will be all good too with time.

So Good luck and wishing you well.

[JoAnnDallas]

tess-leigh......your wife almost sounds like mine. LOL My wife has not told me but from her reactions that Sunday when she saw me fully dressed and some comments later, I am sure that she thought that all CDers either dressed like Drag Queens, a man-in-a-dress, or hookers and was concern for my safety while I was out dressed. One of her comments was when I first walked in to the garage that afternoon, she did not reconize me at first. She was wondering who this woman was that was in her house with her husband. When she discovered this woman was me, I think it made her think and she realized that CDers don't dress like Drag Queens or hookers and I sure did not look like a man-in-a-dress. She told me the other day that with the exception of my voice, I do pass as a woman. This made look at her and think WOW. I thanked her and talk about a Confidence boost. LOL

[sandra-leigh]

tess-leigh......your wife almost sounds like mine. LOL

Judging from what I've read of your postings, I think mine was more accepting from the outset. For example, a time or two she has gone on errands or to dinner with me while I was wearing in guy mode wearing a plain long jeans skirt. And she's gone around with me knowing I was wearing bra and forms... but she still has trouble with me being in public in guy mode with a more obvious bust, especially if my bra is showing under the top. "Out of sight, out of mind", sort of: the wearing of the forms in guy mode in her presence is within her tolerance, but if we stop for a bite to eat and I take off my jacket, making it obvious to passers-by, then that's beyond her limits. She was fine with my wearing my D-cup forms under a sweater, so the thought that people might happen to notice my bust isn't the issue; but it isn't good for it to be obvious.


I am sure that she thought that all CDers either dressed like Drag Queens, a man-in-a-dress, or hookers

Not mine; mine wife has already bugged me a couple of times for dressing too "corporate" -- e.g., pantsuit or nice pencil skirt that would not be out of place for an office professional who wanted to look attractive. She thinks that overall I choose nice clothes; but perhaps thinks I should adopt a more casual style for more everyday wear.

But oh, I do have a more casual style as well, which I have been successful enough in wearing that she doesn't think of them as womens' clothes. :) I bought about 5 pairs of pants recently, and she was looking at them with the bags right there, and she knows that I'm a crossdresser, but she couldn't figure them out and was asking a few times "Are these for Tess, or are these for {my name}?", the tags were right on them but she was having trouble figuring out whether they were "mens" or "ladies" pants. And all I would say is that "These are my clothes" (implicitly refusing to distinguish Tess as a distinct person.) I'd be hard pressed to remember when I last wore male pants to work :battingeyelashes:

[Alice B]

There is nothing easy about about what you did, but you did it the right way. Open and honest. The worst is over and it can only get better, but with little steps, not rushing and no pressure put on your wife. When you think the time is right try to sit down and establish some times or location that she will accept your being dressed. Most likely out of her presence, but if she wants to be there all the better. You don't need a safe, but a locking trunk will work. Good luck and let us know what happens next.