Hints - to the SO that does not know

[michellecd9999]

What do you do or have you done to hint that you were a CD to a SO that does not know? My wife does not know, but I have come up with excuses to wear pantyhose and I shave my armpits. I have dressed a few times for Halloween, but still she does not question my actions (or maybe she does not want to address it).
Also for the GGs in the group. What hints did your SO drop before you knew? After you did know did the lights come on and you realized that you should have seen the signs earlier?

[jill s]

I don't think I ever gave her a clue until it all came out. Trying to drop hints may not give you a very clear idea of what she thinks. Waiting for the subject to come up during a movie or something and ask her directly what she thinks about transvestites might. I don't think you will ever really know until it comes out that her man is one.

[Shelly67]

My hints were visibly obvious - panda eyes from make up . However , my wife kept this quiet to herself ( she imagined I was having a "private" moment alone ) until I just could'nt keep it a secret anymore . I was so pent up , feeling like I was about to go insane , I begged her to listen to me . I told her there was something about me that I was afraid to admit to for fear of losing the love we shared , but I just had to come clean as I felt the deception was'nt fair . I also told her it was an insult to her inteligence . So the next day I asked her to sit down and please listen to me . I tried to tell her I was scared , and prayed she,d at least keep her cool at what I was about to admit to . I think at first she suspected another woman . The conversation did'nt go the way I imagined . I was trying to gently ease the situation round to finish in fully coming out , but my fear was racing , and I don't think I made much sense . Bless her , she must have sensed my fear as she nervously approached me with a question . Was I a transvestite ? At that point I truely felt as if the world was going to either collapse in on me , or swallaw me up . My pulse rate went awol . I owned up . I then went straight for a shower and I,ll openly admit , the relief was such , I wept . That was over 18 months ago now ...and thank goodness we're stronger than ever . I think its only fair to mention tho , it has'nt been easy . We certainly have had our problems along the way . But , i think its fair to say , if a marrige is worked at , and certain topics are gently introduced , with an honest , gentle approach , then perhaps anything is possible - even acceptance . And I,ll go further , if a partner doe'snt want to see her man dressed , then maybe an arrangement , say time alone in a room in the home , may be a compramise . but this is all based on open trust . And a non pushy relationship .
I,ll wager most of our partners know or if not suspect at our " hobby" and probably keep it quiet for various reasons . Only each and everyone of us know our partners and how to approach them , but I advise caution before coming out . deception is never taken well , it is an insult to integrity , honesty , and hurts , so think on before you drop a hint or even the bombshell of admitance .
Go careful , and good luck.
Shelly x

[Donna Michelle]

I quit dressing when I met my current wife. (My late wife knew from the start.) I secretly wore her panties and bras for 5 years until I didn't fit in HER clothes anymore. I finally told her I was wearing her panties under my man clothes. Okay, I was still in the closet, but now she knew.

I also "borrowed" other clothes of hers secretly. Recently, I told her that I wanted to dress entirely and go in public (like I did with my late wife). She bought lots of things for me. I bought the wrong sizes for some things (I couldn't try them on at the store yet). She carries a tape measure to measure waist sizes and other measurements of clothing. And of course she measured me.

Coming out to the family was something else. I told them first, then I arrived fully dressed. Most of the women HATE it while most of the men were amused. They have seen me dress for Halloween, so it wasn't THAT big of a deal. Or so I thought.

I do agree that a gradual coming out was better for me with my wife. Unlike pulling off a Band Aid, this won't be a quick ouch and it's over and you are all better. My wife was not very surprised and is very supportive.


i left a skirt on the bed one day , now i had to come up with a dam good excuse after at little hint

My new wife helped me get rid of my women's clothes when we got married. I told her they were my late wife's clothes. She had different sizes since she lost weight with her cancer. My wife didn't look at the clothes closely since they were already in bags.

She did notice nail polish and remover in the living room. I used to apply polish while watching TV. She found feminine hygiene products in the bedroom closet. She found things all over the place and thought they were my late wife's things. She thought I was too depressed to get rid of her things. Hey, this worked for me. If I didn't have a late wife, they could have been hints.

[Sharon]

Don't you think that dropping hints is just a cowardly way of trying to get your SO to start a conversation about your crossdressing rather than doing it yourself? It's just my opinion, but I think you should decide to either tell your SO or not tell her, but playing games is just dumb and, possibly, cruel treatment of someone you supposedly love.

[KandisTX]

It is my opinion that dropping hints or beating around he proverbial bush is not a good way to go when it comes to telling your SO, be they a wife or girlfriend, or just a GG you like to hang out with.

Is it easy to come out and say "Hey honey, I want to let you know that I am a crossdresser"? No, it isn't, but in the end the odds are in your favor for being honest and straight-forward about what you had to say.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Deborah Jane]

I didn,t bother dropping hints. I took her out for a meal and then onto the movies, then later in the evening when i was sure she was in a good mood and relaxed i gently told her.
At first i thought she maybe trying to understand, but then she just told me "STOP doing it or we,re finished"!!
I stopped, but she could never get the idea out of her head i may still be dressing in secret [i wasn,t].
We split up four and a half years later!!!

Maybe i should have tried hinting first!!

[valhalla]

I agree with Kandis. My husband left me plenty of hints lol. I guess I only saw what I wanted to see. Just to give you an idea of how clueless I was. When we were moving my hubby into my place. I went into his spare bedroom to pack. I opened up the closet and found it PACKED full of women’s clothes and panty hose. My hubby told me that his ex-wife left her clothes. This I totally believed because I knew that after their divorce the ex lived with him for almost a year due to her financial limitations. She was in love with a new man and she was waiting for him to commit. When he was willing to commit she left for California in such a rush that she left some pretty important things (like her 4 cats). So anyway, my hubby is telling me that if I wanted any of the clothes that I could have them. And I’m thinking oh h*ll no, I not going to wear your ex-wife’s clothes. I feel bad now because I think that he was trying to save some of his clothes. All of it went to good will. :sad: After we packed up all the clothes he left the room, (probably to compose himself….poor thing). I started to pack up the rest of the room. I lifted up a lamp off the nightstand and there behind the nightstand was a piece of paper. I pulled it out and it was a flyer for a crossdresser support group meeting. My immediate reaction was that it was the ex’s for her boyfriend. Now that I look back the only thing that he didn’t do was parade around in a dress to give me a hint. :heehee:

Val

[putz0611]

My hubby tried very hard not to hint. I would get mad at him for looking at other women. Then after he told me, a while after, he told me that he is looking at their clothes and shoes. I don't know if that scared me more or not, but now he will casually remark on a outfir or shoes that he likes. I just ask him what outfit or shoes and I either agree or say that I don't like them. He doesn't mind having me tell him that I don't like something because I do agree with him from time to time.
Putz:twirl:

[Daintre]

I will have to go along with the no hints members and say just lay the cards on the table. It can be done in a loving setting. You and your SO will know what's up and how you both want to deal with it.

[Kimberly Kael]

Another vote for the "no hints" side, here. It's not unlike a criminal who leaves clues because deep down he knows he is wrong and wants to be caught - and I think this is something you need to be proactive about and paint in a positive light. The last thing you want is to leave her wondering what other hints you're leaving that she hasn't picked up on yet! Be clear, be direct, hold your head high and bare your soul when the time comes.

[JoAnnDallas]

Last year I finially told the wife I was a CDer. I did not leave any clues or such. I just sat down at the kitchen table with her and just told her. I tell you it was a scare few days before we came to our orginal arrangement.

[racquel]

Another vote against hints.I told my s/o before we were totally involved(although living together).Honesty is so important in a relationship one should never cut corners.:2c:

[Wendy me]

lol my wife knew even when i thought she did not know .... lol when i finally told her she freaked you the words were spoken out loud ..... like i said she knows but is unsporting for right now ..........

[sandra-leigh]

Early last year (or so) I started a thread entitled roughly, "Do I want to be caught?" that dealt with my taking bigger and bigger risks and "accidentally" leaving clues.

I can't find the thread now, so I guess it sold off the family house and went for a life of touring in Bermuda shorts :heehee:

When I had The Talk with my wife, she professed that even though at various times she had caught me with makeup or nail polish on, and even though I had switched to panties full time, wearing them right in front of her, that she had had No Idea.

Was this an expression of the amazing ability to Not See what you don't want to see? I don't know.

So, did I want to be "caught"? I wanted her to know and to accept me, but I couldn't tell her because I was afraid that, knowing, she wouldn't accept me. By the time she'd found some of my things hidden away in the basement and asked me about them, I was fairly distraught about keeping my dressing hidden from her. I was sick of lying and deliberate misrepresentations... that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be, and that was hurting me as well as hurting her.

Why clues? I can't rightly say anymore. Cowardly? Perhaps, though that is a cruel term for those who are struggling mightily and just don't know what to do. I was caught inbetween two sides, and taking risks or "accidentally" leaving clues was at least a third way. Did it seem like a smart third way? No. But something had to give somewhere...

[Emily Anderson]

Tess,

That's a really interesting post, and I can kind of see where your SO is coming from, because doing some girly stuff does not necessarily a CD make. I used to wear lingerie in bed at times, and yet when I told my wife that I was a crossdresser, she was very upset. Why? Because she thought of the lingerie as a kink or a quirk, not something that I was serious about.

[RylieCD]

I tried hinting, I wanted to tell but I didnt get anywhere withit. The only reason I would recommend "hinting" would be to figure out her views. But My wife found out the hard way by discovering things herself, This is viewed as lying. So I would recommend to tell a SO as early as possible. My wife is still tring to figure things out. After telling a SO it may help to have some books on hand that they may read later on. Some I would recommed would be my husband betty or my husband wears my cloths. Also refer her to this site.

[rian]

Don't you think that dropping hints is just a cowardly way of trying to get your SO to start a conversation about your crossdressing rather than doing it yourself? It's just my opinion, but I think you should decide to either tell your SO or not tell her, but playing games is just dumb and, possibly, cruel treatment of someone you supposedly love.

Sharon

No I do not think droping the bomb directly is a good idea ,
I for example am married for 15 happilly years , and I never admited to my wife that I was a CD , it all depends on the personality of the wife and how she is raised in her childhood ,
Yet I made some hints to convince my wife to wear women panties with her knowledge any time ....she accepted the excuse ,,,,, couple of times she found some bras hidden , & she asked me but I did not tell her because it is a dangerous move .... I might loose her respect ....Well it s a matter of a choise ...may be one day when the time is right , wish me luck because I need strongly to tell her .

[ReineD]

My partner did not drop hints, but instead told me in an email at the very beginning of our relationship. I respect her for that. I was completely taken aback, but my feelings for her had developed to the point where I would not walk away because of the CDing. She did dress only occasionally at the time, and I did not feel threatened by this. Since then, we have both grown in terms of her femme expression and my corresponding support levels.

I agree with the others. It is best to tell your wife the truth. How long have you been together? Is your relationship strong? Are you certain she does not suspect that anything is amiss? Increased internet use? Makeup traces on clothing or panties found under a bed? Some wives detect something is up but think their husbands might be having an affair.

She will feel betrayed if she finds out on her own, then she might find it even more difficult to come to terms with the CDing. Here is excellent advice on "Telling Your Partner" (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1).

I send good thoughts your way no matter what you decide to do!! :hugs:

[Farrah]

My wife knows that I wear a girdle. As a matter of fact, I told her i went shopping for one today.

[Joanne f]

I think that most on there will be aware of the fact that cross dressing can cause problems in a marriage in fact it can cause a break up or contribute to a break up of a relationship or marriage , that is why there are a lot who feel that it is best for them to stay in the closet even if they would prefer not to , so they must obviously think that there is a risk in coming straight out in the open with it , now some will take a dim view of this , but i think that they are right for being careful as they know their situation best , not me maybe sitting hundreds of miles away with my life sorted out as far as cross dressing is concerned.
Now some of those Cd's would like to come clean and be honest with it but are very worried of what the reaction will be form their SO, so i think that it is a very good idea to test the reaction a little bit at fist just in case there is a very negative reaction to a partner being a CD.
It has always been my way to help these people to find a way thought this if they want it , and i cannot see how branding them as cowards is in any way help full just because they want to be careful.
I have found this comment to be very offensive to the people that have at least tried to do something bout their situation in the only way there can handle it .

Joanne f

[dancinginthedark]

Good morning Michelle. Looking back I did think hey why didn't I put two and two together sooner. Why didn't I see anything was amiss. Not initially mind you, too many other thoughts rushing through my mind in the early days. But in the first several months I'd have those "Ah ha- were those really hints" moments.

Now hubby isn't really sure himself if he was hinting or just testing my acceptance factor. Or maybe I was just a tad too dense to figure out the things he was doing might just seem a bit odd for a guy to be doing & maybe he's trying to tell me something here. I dunno :strugglin:o

My mind was firmly into that last category. I just thought my hubby was well my hubby. Hell I loved the guy to bits and I didn't give a rats arse if he seemed to have a few little quirks. I mean don't we all? DH just seemed to me to be a bit eccentric with a weird sense of humor who happened to love me enough to break in all of my new shoes/heels/boots. And he loved me enough not to mind too much when the laundry was behind. I mean when he didn't have clean clothes to wear to work he didn't get all pissy with me. Nope, he was a wonderful sport when in desperation I tossed him some of my panties, tee shirt, and jeans to wear to work. I mean I felt badly I could have sworn I'd done his work clothes up and here it was 6:00 am and he didn't have a thing to wear. What was I to do but offer to let him wear mine and hope it'd be okay. :heehee: Of course it always was.

See what I mean, I was dense. And truth is having a house full of sons who have all played "dressup" meant I just saw this a part of the whole. All I saw was the person I loved most in the world. Never considered he or even any of my kids might be a CD.

Now I knew hubby was a pervert, and I mean that in most positive way :bs:, but heck according to society and my mother so am I. Actually, I think it's wonderful when couples have things in common. But a CD?? My husband? Oh hell no that I never considered. Weren't crossdressers those weird guys on the Jerry Springer show? Why would I think my hubby was anything as negative as that? I wouldn't.

Jeez. I'm sorry Michelle. I've lost my whole train of thought here. Hope I've come close to answering this for you. If not drop me a PM and I'll try again once I wake up more. :lol:

Have a good day folks.

dancin


~

[yms]

FWIW...

When I did my on-line survey in 1999, what I found was that when a partner (wife or SO) was told, the crossdresser felt she was supportive about 65% of the time.

When the wife or partner "found out" through other means, the crossdresser felt she was supportive 44% of the time.

The entire survey is here: A Survey of Crossdressers (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/survey/survey99/survey99_results.htm)

The part about telling your partner is here: Sharing Ourselves (http://www.yvonnesplace.net/survey/survey99/relationships_telling.htm)

[jill s]

Yvonne, Thank you for taking the time and effort to do that survey. I think I somehow saw it long before finding this site and it helped me feel not so different. PS last night my wife came home late and I'm off all week getting ready for company. She asked "how are you doing with your cross dressing" ? The conversation danced around the subject until I finally blurted out " I was in a dress all day doing housework". The tension seemed to go away after that. She has known about it for almost two years of our 25 years together and says she never wants to see me as a her. Anyway for us hints and beating around the bush only make things worse.

[Sheena Pink]

Hi Michelle,
I agree with the rest, hints don't really work.
I've Known about my husband CDing, for 16 out of the 18 years we've been together he told me on the Halloween after I moved in with him. Said that the girl clothes (that were mine) he was wearing felt "right".
Then over the years, she gathered more clothes, and I'd see them in the laundry. Well this year I met Bre. She now had a name, she now went out, she now was free. At first I did not know the extent of her dressing. How far it would go (SRS, if she was gay, if she still wanted me to be around) the bottom line kind of thing. So after a few weeks of tangled emotion on both our parts, I finally asked the questions. And we talked for ever. The hardest thing for me to understand was Knowing that she needed to dress, it really had nothing to do with me lacking in prettiness, sexiness, or anything else. It was something within her that needed to be expressed.
Then she introduced me to her friends from here, we go out with the gurls from LA (they are the best gurlfriends I could ever dream of!) We go out and have fun together as we have shared photos of some of our adventures.
I guess you'd say I'm the best case scenario in coming out. But I Knew about the dressing early on, and we have pretty good communication together.
Good luck with your journey!:hugs:

[Sandra]

The hints were there when we first started dating but I was that naive I didn't pick up on them, plus until she told me I had never heard of CDer.

Instead of hinting just come clean and tell.