Would you tell a CD/TS/TV that thinks she's passable that she's actually not?

[tgirlinva]

I don't claim to be passable. But a friend of mine thinks she is...literally 100%. But I don't think she is. She wants to go out in public, etc. and I'm afraid that she will be read and mocked. So, as a friend, should I tell her? or maybe it's because I focus too closely on her "masculine" features? I don't know... should I tell her? I don't want to be the bitch or lose her as a friend. But if you can't hear the truth from a friend, who will you hear it from?

[sandra-leigh]

I don't claim to be passable. But a friend of mine thinks she is...literally 100%. But I don't think she is.

Put a femme picture of her up on hotornot and see what happens??

[Ashley in Virginia]

Hot or not isn't the end all of deciding passing. I am pulling an 8.3 right now and there is no way I could pass. Anyone who has a picture that shows some skin is bound to get a high rating.

I would just tell her what I see when I look at her pics and leave it at that. I wouldn't try to get into the whole "you can't pass angle" Just offer your surface opinion and leave it at that. If she is hell bent on going out, a little thing like passability wont stop her.

[Violetgray]

Or have her submit to a panel of experienced judges! :D

[TGMarla]

:iagree:

[Holly]

Who are any of us to pass judgment on another's ability to pass or not? If you are truly concerned for your friend's welfare, offer her some suggestions to "enhance" her look.

[Nicole Erin]

As said, offer suggestions on how to improve her chances of passing...

But if she is really that bad, she might have to learn the hard way.

It is not easy to tell someone they don't pass when they are convinced they do.

[Sharon]

If you are truly concerned for your friend's welfare, offer her some suggestions to "enhance" her look.

I agree with Holly -- give your friend some positive and helpful suggestions on how to improve her appearance. And, also, don't make too much out of having to be 100% passable, otherwise I would never have stepped outside the door. :)

[Laurelanne]

NO NEVER.. THE TRUTH.. ALWAYS:o

[Chiana]

I like the idea of offering subtle suggestions to help improve the look, etc. Have you dressed up for your friend and asked her if she thinks you are passable? If both of you agree that you are not passable, you could discuss your issues first and maybe that will help her realize where she needs improvement. And after discussing your issues, it might break the ice for talking about her short comings. You could both help each other become more passable.

[Violetgray]

Who are any of us to pass judgment on another's ability to pass or not? If you are truly concerned for your friend's welfare, offer her some suggestions to "enhance" her look.

Its simple really, you just ask yourself, "If I saw this person out on the street would I think she was a GG?" I think we have every right to make this determination for ourselves. By "we," I mean people with eyeballs. While offering suggestions to improve her look is constructive and helpful, knowing whether she can pass or not is a big thing. If she doesn't care whether she passes or not that's fine and more power to her, if she goes out under the impression that she passes and she doesn't then she may be setting herself up for some unpleasantness.

Either way i'm mad curious!

[Susan.]

If they thought they were 100% and they were 90% I'd tell them their "flaws". If she was closer to 50%... well the truth can be hard sometimes. But one has to remember that you KNOW who she is, so to others she may be 100%.

[Wenda]

Lots of good advice already. I will never 'pass', but I have been out in public and had a hoot! Just returned from the beer store where a guy I hadn't seen in months chatted. Small talk, goodbye, and, "...I think I still have pics on my phone...." from the time I went to a company ball game fully dressed as a cheerleader, and then went to the bar with everyone. (Ran into him at the same bar tonight).
Like the others have said, you can offer advice and tips, get her reaction on how some things work for you, etc, but at the end of the day, if her safety is not in jeopardy, then you have to let her do it on her own. w.

[DanaR]

I remember the first time that I went out; thought that I looked good. I was scared and looking back on earlier photo's, looked horrid. I think that your look is an evolving thing.

[boy2girl31]

Well I don't have any illision about being passable (body maybe) but my face is a deal breaker. If I ever got the notion that I was passable and wasn't I'd want someone to tell me.

[sterling12]

Treat this situation like your handling plutonium! If you decide to get candid with her...she will never forgive you. If you keep your mouth shut, you will always feel bad because you didn't spare your friend.

It's tough, but let her make her own mistakes. At least she will have no one to blame but herself. If you start critiquing, and she makes the changes and still gets clocked, guess who will get blamed.

Maybe she will fool you, maybe she will do just fine. You see the guy underneath, maybe because you already know her "secret." Others might not have such a critical eye.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Emma England]

I always try to be honest.

If she looked passable to me, I would say so. If not not then I say no.

What is passable is just someones opinion.

It is unlikely that she would get mocked in public.

True friends never lie to each other.

[Kate Simmons]

I agree with Joanie, this is a loaded question. Sometimes it's best to let the cards fall where they will. On the other hand, if advice or an opinion is asked for, it's a different story.:)

[Jenny Doolittle]

Being able to pass is a matter of attitude! My rule of thumb is: "If you cant say anything good about someone, say nothing."

[JoAnnDallas]

Passing is both "attitude" and "perception". I remember once a Professor showed his students a 10 minute film. After it was over he asked if anyone noticed anything Unusual about the movie. No one said a word. he then asked if anyone noticed the man in the Gorilla suit. Again no one said anything. He then played the film again, stopping at frames that showed a man in a Gorilla suit. Sometimes he was sitting in a chair, sometimes walking among the crowd, and etc. The man in the Gorilla suit was in the film 15 times. Since his present was limited to a few seconds of exposer each time, not one person saw him. He did not jump up and down or act like a monkey, he acted like anyone else and thus was not noticed at all. he blended in with the crowd of people.
Cding is like this, If you can blend in, then even if you do have masculian features, chances are no one will notice you at all. Your just another person in the crowd.

[Vivian Best]

Who are any of us to pass judgment on another's ability to pass or not? If you are truly concerned for your friend's welfare, offer her some suggestions to "enhance" her look.I agree with Holly!

[Nadia-Maria]

I don't claim to be passable. But a friend of mine thinks she is...literally 100%. But I don't think she is. She wants to go out in public, etc. and I'm afraid that she will be read and mocked. So, as a friend, should I tell her? or maybe it's because I focus too closely on her "masculine" features? I don't know... should I tell her? I don't want to be the bitch or lose her as a friend. But if you can't hear the truth from a friend, who will you hear it from?

Telling the truth in such a difficult case is a matter of appreciation, and of diplomacy.
Top quality friend of hers can tell her about such flaws and will, if appropriate. Of course it is difficult and risky to tell the truth to a friend/or SO , but without taking risks you can't get something important in life, such as a top quality relation.

Once I believed to have a very good friend. When I married, he told me nothing but he was very happy for me. After I lived the hell and divorced, he told me that he knew from the beginning that my wife was not the good person for me, but since it was "my" choice, he had nothing to tell me about...

What means a friend, if not willing to help you to keep open your eyes ?
They are the friends for the good days, but they fail at being the friends of the difficult days. Only in difficulty you can recognize your very friends.

Kisses

Nadia

[AmandaM]

If she wants to go to tg-friendly clubs, etc. then leave it alone. If she thinks she's going to a "straight" place, then maybe you have to speak up. For her own protection. Depends what it is like where you live.

[Sonia Kiss]

...So, as a friend, should I tell her?

Yeah, very delicate situation, and very common, I'm afraid. I sure have friends that are the same way and, I confess, I don't burst their bubble. The confidence they have and experience they gain by going out in public and being the woman they are is priceless. I would hate to damage that. I trust that in time, both their appearance and their expectations will evolve and come closer together.

I don't worry too much about my friends getting read and mocked. Sad as it is, learning to handle situations like that is part of the journey. Of course I'm happy to talk about appearance and blending and passing and all that stuff, but only if my friends want to talk about it.

One rule I do try to encourage my friends to follow is: never assume that you are or aren't passing with any particular person or in any particular situation. Awkward situations can result from a bad assumption either way.

[tamarav]

In addition to my work as a behind the chair hair and wig stylist, I run a limited transformation service. This issue is the one that causes the most strain on the relationship and always will.

Be honest with some discretion. Telling someone that they look like **** will not foster an atmosphere of support. Generally I tell my clients that for them to feel passable is wonderful, but to be judged by the rest of the world is inviting criticism. If they are strong enough to accept constructive critcisim, fine. But if they are like I still am after 40 plus years of dressing, a single comment can turn down your own attitude for days or longer.

Take the person's picture. many of them if possible. Then continue to work with them and talk about walking, makeup, whatever to move on a bit, then gently enlarge the pictures you took and ask the person to honestly re-evaluate their appearance. Appearance is about 10% of the entire passing package in my humble opinion. Attitude, carriage, clothing appropriateness, fit to atmosphere, etc. make up the other 90%.

If you go out with a person that you don't think can pull it off (passing) you always feel like the next target and all it does is turn the night or day downward.

Get the person to practice everything until they really feel 100% confident (and if they actually reach that level you know that the pink fog has taken over because none of us, myself included, feel 100% confident when they step out)

I tend to give my clients a grade 0-100. I tell them when I feel that they have reached a grade of 85 or better, I will be happy to make an elective trip out with them. Otherwise, I travel with them as a guide and sometimes defender, taking them to safe places and into limited full exposure areas, stepping it to attempt to difuse any situations that may arise. I find that they will accept the grade I give them when we are finished for the day, and always strive to increase the grade at subsequent sessions.

Howver you handle the issue, remember you want the same support for your own passability.

Your sis,

Tami

[KimberlyS]

Why does one need to be passable to be out in public ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

I go out in public and I do not pass and have fairly masculine facial features. I have had no problems.

IMHO and experience, being out in public is 80-95 person mental attitude about your self and being out, and little about how you actually look.

[KandisTX]

Passing is as much about your mental state as it is about your physical appearance. If you feel good about how you look, then just do it ;) None of us are truly able to judge what is and isn't passable. While I may personally THINK someone may not be passable, my opinion is just that, my opinion and if they ask me for it, then they should expect me to be honest with them.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Christine XX]

Does either of you have a video camera? You could offer to take turns recording each other to practice your walk, etc. around the house or back yard. There's no reality check like seeing yourself on video. It's kind of like hearing your own voice on the answering machine and thinking "Oh my god, is that what I sound like?"

If she's still determined, I think you should tell her you are nervous and worried for her, but wish her luck then be there for support, however it goes.

-Christine

[racquel]

:2c:Suggest she be prepared for rejection but to hope for acceptance,much as most of us do.You know as well as anyone that confidence goes a LONG way in passing.Just be sure she is wearing age appropriate clothing and make-up and I think she will be fine.

[JoAnnDallas]

Just remember this

1. dress to blend in and your age
2. Act like you belong there
3. smile at anyone that looks at you.

Do those three things and you will be just fine.

[Emily Anderson]

But if you can't hear the truth from a friend, who will you hear it from?

I think you answered your own question. So long as you're tactful, you should indeed tell her. Also, you could go along with her for support. In that way you'd see for yourself what the reactions might be, and how she handles those situations.

[Dr.Susan]

Tell the truth if you don't you are setting her/him up for certain heartache. Many of us have a hard time dealing with the reality that we don't pass, in fact few of do without some kind of facial surgery.

[moses]

OK, so I understand that I will never understand how important it is to some (most, all?) CDs to "pass," but honestly why do you care?

If she thinks she is, then don't burst her bubble. What harm does it do for her to think this? The only possible down side is the harrassment or embarrassment she might feel. You can cover this by going through the normal girl safety stuff with her...buddy system, parking near entrances in well-lit places, always carrying your cell phone, etc.

Don't bring her down. If you had another friend (let's say a genetic girl) with a very positive body image but was a little on the heavy side, would you constantly be telling her that she is fat? I hope not! This is the same thing.

But back to my original point...who cares. Just be yourself.