Is it all in our heads?

[Tiffany Rose]

I always hear people talking on this forum about being scared of being publicly embraced if they dont pass. Does this even really happen? Have any of you had it happen? I share the fear as well but I am curious if it would really happen like we picture it in our mind. I picture something like someone pointing at me in a crowded area while yelling "Look at that freak!".
Anyone have any proof that if you dont pass you will be publicly ridiculed?

[tamarav]

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Unfortunately, we as humans, have the largest brain around and many of us use it to conjure up dire thoughts that are way beyond reality. Think about how much fiction writing goes on out there.

I spent years fearing the dire and it never really happened. I got the odd utterance, "Oh look, a transvestite" I overheard that one from a makeup counter in a large department store 2 years, 3 months, and 2 days ago. See how they stick with you?

We have fears of all types but I think our minds get really creative on some of them. I certainly know mine did until I threw fear out.

Your sis,

Tami

[JoAnnDallas]

Being read and having someone make a fuss about it in public was my main fear when I first started going out in public back in 2005. Then one day I realized that no one had done that and I know that I have been read because we all get read from time to time. Now I don't worry about it. If it does happen to me, I have plan. The say the best offense is a counter-offense. If someone points at me and say "TRANNY", I am going to walk right up to that person and in a loud voice demand a Apology. I am going to make it look like he's made the biggest mistake in his life. People that do these kind of things IMHO are nothing but bullies and if you get into the face of a bully and put it back onto them, they usually either get fustrated and leave because you have stolen their thunder or they back down and surrender. Always worked for me back in high school and I was the class Nerd.

[Melinda G]

Being male, and 95% of us being heterosexual, I think our biggest fear is being perceived as gay, although many of won't admit it.

[jaina]

I always hear people talking on this forum about being scared of being publicly embraced if they dont pass. Does this even really happen? Have any of you had it happen? I share the fear as well but I am curious if it would really happen like we picture it in our mind. I picture something like someone pointing at me in a crowded area while yelling "Look at that freak!".
Anyone have any proof that if you dont pass you will be publicly ridiculed?


Its how you carry and present yourself.
Passing is incredibly easy and most people sabotage themselves. Many "can't pass" as their sexual fantasy, but are fully capable of passing as a woman without a second glance.
You will never pass with platform heels, a mini and crossdresser makeup, those are the time that you probably will be ridiculed.

Tasteful skirts, heels, light makeup and even if you don't pass you will most likely encounter no problems at all.


Being male, and 95% of us being heterosexual, I think our biggest fear is being perceived as gay, although many of won't admit it.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=81680

you might want to revise that 95% to around 55%

[Tiffany Rose]

Tamara you reminded me of my newest fav vid.
This pretty much sums up how I have been feeling about the human race for the past year or so.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=a15KgyXBX24

[Kate Simmons]

Hmm, yeah, we seem to be pretty inventive when it comes to possible negative scenerios. Problem is, if we dwell on them, they will most likely come to pass. Think positively but always have a plan is my motto.:)

[tricia_uktv]

But some of us begin to enjoy it. Very, very occasionally you do - normally teenage girls, but a smile and wink makes them run away fast. Have had loads of comments, some funny, some boring but

Most people are too interested in their own lives to worry about you
Many people think what we do is cool - lovely to get a knowing wink
A few people are genuinely interested and will talk with you about it
Very, very few will actually comment, and often you can talk them round

But, its a jungle out there, so careful where you go!

[DanaR]

Back in the early 1990’s, while attending several Esprit conventions, some of us were at the hotel bar and had other bar customers look at us and comment to them selves. What we started doing, was when someone started looking at us, one or a couple of us would go over to their table and start talking to them. Most of the time we were invited to sit with them, they were curious about us. Since we started doing this we have made many new friends.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you become embarrassed or react in a negative manner when you are noticed you will be treated accordingly. If you smile and react in a positive manner or engage that person in a conversation; who knows, you might make a new friend.

[sandra-leigh]

I always hear people talking on this forum about being scared of being publicly embraced if they dont pass. Does this even really happen? Have any of you had it happen?

Yes. Or rather, I have had people try to embarrass me, loudly, but since I refused to give them the authority to make me feel embarrassed, the situations were just distasteful, not embarrassing.


I picture something like someone pointing at me in a crowded area while yelling "Look at that freak!".

The mobs I've run into didn't appear to have the mental capacity to think of the word "freak", but I am sure they certainly would have used it if they hadn't been so hung up on questions of masculinity.


Anyone have any proof that if you dont pass you will be publicly ridiculed?

That is not actually the same question: the previous questions were "Has it happened, ever?", whereas the current question is more "Does it happen often?" or "Does it happen commonly?".

As indicated, I have had groups of people try to publicly ridicule me. Interestingly, both times were in exactly the same place, outside a downtown movie theatre, and both times involved gangs of young men (and chances were good that at least some of them were literally gang members, most likely an offshoot of the Crips; I'm sure they weren't Native Posse.) It was, in short, a pair of situations involving groups of young men who derive peer status from posturings of bravado and masculinity. They may not have had any actual objection to the fact that I was cross-dressing, but it was the sort of situation in which the closeted crossdressers amongst them might have felt impelled to be amongst the first and loudest to put me down.

Just like when I was a young teen, if some of my friends were over, I would take part in insulting the girls around... and then later I'd go over to my neighbour and not apologize at all but spend time playing cards or swimming in the pool, or climbing a tree with her. She once called me "Plastic Man"... she was not too wrong. (I didn't consider her my friend, and didn't actually like her as such, but she was company when I needed it.)


There have been a few other times when people ensured that I knew that they knew that I was a guy. Such situations are not necessarily very "public", and the wording used might not even be phrased as insulting -- it may even be phrased as faux-admiration. Said the guy who followed me in his car as I was walking down a side street, "Say, you're kinda cute [...] Do you want some work at a party later?" Such situations can be more disturbing than straight-forward cat-calls of "It's a guy!" from a bunch of nobs.


There was one time I remember in which I almost had to admire a particular put-down. I was walking down a downtown street in a black cat-suit, gender-bending (smallish forms, no wig); the sidewalk was not busy. As a guy walking the other way was a short distance away, just about to pass by me, he said, in a quiet but firm voice clearly intended for only me to here, "That looks stupid." And he kept walking. He didn't make a scene, he didn't say anything about cross-dressing in general: he just expressed his opinion that my choice of clothing looked stupid; he made sure that only I heard it, and he moved on. It was, in its own way, a refreshing bit of straight-forward honesty. And it could be that he was right: perhaps it didn't look good as an outfit on a guy of my build and face, and that might be all that he meant.

[Sonia Kiss]

Hello Kranky,

Yes, I've had it happen to me a number of times, and I'm one who brags regularly about blending and passing and being able to go wherever I please. A few times it happened it was no surprise as I knew I was in a rather intolerant setting--a rough neighborhood, a crowd of teenagers, or so on. I have to say though, there is always a random element. I've had flawless experiences in truly scary settings and then I've had hateful insults tossed at me in my most-tolerant home neighborhood of Cambridge, Mass. I've heard similar stories from absolutely beautiful transwomen where I think to myself, "how could anyone possibly read her?" So I think it happens to all of us. Not all of society is tolerant. If you are in public long enough, it will happen to you.

[deja true]

"... when someone started looking at us, one or a couple of us would go over to their table and start talking to them. Most of the time we were invited to sit with them, they were curious about us. Since we started doing this we have made many new friends. "

Exactly Danar! This is a what we've been talking about for the past couple of days right here...http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82831

'Affirmative action' on our part will go al ong way to getting us more acceptance from regular people.:)

[DanaR]

Exactly Danar! This is a what we've been talking about for the past couple of days right here...http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82831

'Affirmative action' on our part will go al ong way to getting us more acceptance from regular people.:)

What happened after several years of us interacting with the locals, at Esprit, every year the locals would come down to visit with us. We made a lot of new friends and became more accepted in this logging community.

Here is a link to a story about last weeks Esprit convention:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004420735_transgender17.html

Years ago when asked why they picked this community to have an event like this, their answer was if you could have it here, you could have it anywhere.

[JoAnnDallas]

I went to HEF2006 when it was held here in Dallas that year. At the same hotel we were at was a Teachers Conference. It struck me funny that many of the women teachers did walk over and chat with us. All of the men teachers stood at the end of the hall and just stared at us.

[CharleneT]

Tamara you reminded me of my newest fav vid.
This pretty much sums up how I have been feeling about the human race for the past year or so.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=a15KgyXBX24

Hey Kranky,

Thanks for putting that in here, I really liked the vid!


In my experiences in public, which are few, most people treat me well. Most in fact ignore me. People in stores, restaurants and bars have all been quite pleasant. Some buy me drinks and thank me for coming into their establishment (no lie, twice now out of four outings). I get more than a few stares, some point, some make comments. So far, no one was really negative. One guy's comment sounded that way, but from the delivery and his condition (drunk) I think he was actually trying to be friendly and just had little social skills.

I was just at a customers helping her with a computer problem - it isn't my normal biz but she needed some help and I know a lot about the putty colored little *******s. Anyhow, I was there for an hour and a half working away before I realized that my shirt was open a couple buttons down and so you could easily see the lace edged tank top I was wearing under my shirt. She didn't blink, I've no idea if she noticed. My guess, that is the case with most of what we all worry about. The people often just do not even notice whether we are guys in a dress or what.

In another thread I said that my perfect world would be one where that was how I was accepted. No notice, no bother, I dress this way, and you dress that way. That is surely a ways off in the future here in the US. But the more we all go out, enjoy ourselves and act "normal", the more people will accept CD's as just another part of the fabric of society. We need courage to do this, and that is what we all come here for. Sure, sometimes we are going to get bad reactions and have to deal with them. Sure, it might even get ugly, but we need to do it!

Charlene