Not sure how to handle this

[Elizabeth2]

My 24 year old son has just informed me that he is TS and wants to fully tranition. He's already been to see various professionals and seems to have made up his mind. The problem is, he is 6'2" and 220lbs. He does not know that I have been through a similar crisis but have decided to back off and accept life as it is with some degree of release through Cding. I must add that he does not live with me and only live with me briefly from age 18, my ex gained custody when we divorced, he was 6 years old at the time. We have had a pretty close relationship over the years despite the fact that his parents divorced at an early stage in his life. My problem is this, I now feel that I will have to out myself to him to be able to converse in a meaningful way as a don't believe he is making the right decision and the outcome will be less than desirable, I believe. Sounds like a bunch of hipocracy, maybe it is but I only want the best for my kids an see them prosper, any advise on how I should handle this? I have arranged for him to come over next week so that we can talk it through.

[jamie55]

Hi Elizabeth: It seems pretty cut and dry to me. You're TG and he is TG. I don't see a problem with telling him. As for what to tell him about Transitioning I have no clue, but I think it's safe to say that you two have more in common than you have differences. Open the dialogue and go from there.

[Notbychoice]

First, I am not a TS or have any desire to be one, so I may not be the one to answer this. Gender disphoria seems like a complicated issue to handle as a parent. I can only offer some advice.

The fact that your son would even share this with you means he has full and complete trust in you and would respect any advice you would give him. I would imaging telling your parent that you have these feelings would be one of the toughest things he has ever had to do. I'm not sure that "outing" yourself as you call it is necessary unless you feel comfortable doing so. Talking to him about it in a nonthreatening manner and showing support for him is the best thing you can do. If he has these strong feelings, I doubt there is much you can do to change his mind, but offering the best support and guidance as a parent that you know how to give is the best option. Again, I am not a professional, I only tell you how I think I would handle the situation.

[jaina]

I now feel that I will have to out myself to him to be able to converse in a meaningful way as a don't believe he is making the right decision and the outcome will be less than desirable, I believe. Sounds like a bunch of hipocracy,


Yes it does sound like it.
Why is his size a problem to you?

[Holly]

Your son told you that he is TS... why should you balk at telling him you are CD/TG? But until you have a chance to talk to him, I wouldn't be too quick to pre-judge if he should or should not transition. It is possible that it is exactly what s/he needs to do.

[tgirlinva]

I am 25 yo and believe I am a TS too. However, my parents don't know nor do I have any intentions to. I think the fact that your son is willing to come forth and tell you that he is a TS is a sign that he loves you, trusts you, and knows that you love him enough to accept who he is. I've always wondered how I'd react if one day, I were to have a child and he/she tells me that he/she is transgendered or gay.

First, as a parent, I would make sure that my child has the support system that he/she needs. That means talking openly about it without fear of any retaliation, making sure he has all the professional help he needs. But most importantly, I would make sure that he is in it for the long run. I don't know exactly how far he intends to go through with his transition, but some things (i.e. HRT/SRS) are non-reversible. So you'd want to make sure that he isn't going to change his mind the next day. Maybe be supportive and suggest him to phase into the transition and certainly not be rushed. The fact that he is tall and heavy doesn't bear anything on his state of mind, which is what TG is. It's not a physical thing. Besides, women come in different shapes and forms and I could certainly tell you there are short and slim women that are more masculine than some tall and heavy ones.

Bottom line, as his father, your duty is to make sure your son is happy and well-prepared for life. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to "out" yourself, but it may give you more leverage. But it does mean that you need to warn him about the bumps ahead on the road. That's all. Also, your son is at an age where he can make his own decisions. All you can do is advise him. The final decision is up to him. Good luck!

[AKAMichelle]

When your son came out to you about his intentions, he has given this a great deal of thought. Nobody tells their parents something like this without a great deal of thought. I have thought about transitioning and in every piece of literature that I read coming out to the parents was one of the last steps.

Therefore, you need to understand that he thought about this for a long time. Has gotten counseling and believes TS to be the best for him.

Now comes the surprise for your son. You! I'll bet that he never thought you had many of the same issues. You coming out to your son may be the only thing to stop him. My advice would be to let him know about you. Then let him know about how you dealt with the problem. That will probably cause him to think again about what he is doing. If he continues to want TS then you should support your son. He is really suffering and he needs the help that you more than anyone else can offer him.

You going before him will be a lot of help to him. Who knows you may form a deeper relationship with him than anyone thought was possible. Give your son the love and respect he needs right now. Best of Luck to you.

[annabellesmooth]

love n cherish this time in your lives
if i was even comfortable to talk with my mum n dad (now departed)about anything,.... let alone, a very sentictve subject n feelings as this
please...
its time you two had a very open n honest hart to hart talk
love n let love xxx
:love:

[Kieron Andrew]

As a loving parent, whether you are CD/TS or none of the above, he is an adult and obviously knows his own mind as it seems hes been living with this for some time to have researched professionals out to talk to, I dont think its a question of him making his mind up, its a question of he KNOWS his own mind, trying to talk him out of any wishes to transition will only cause resentment on his part, he has come to you with probably the biggest thing he's ever likely to tell you in his lifetime....support him, love him and cherish your new daughter to be:)

PS i know some very tall GGs in deed, we all come in different shapes and sizes, with the strength to transition size is such a minor thing

[Amy Hepker]

You can let him know, but be careful as he may tell others, well dad does it.

The most important thing is to support him in his decission.

[GypsyKaren]

Your son risked an awful lot in coming to you, now it's your turn to share that risk by being there for your son and hiding nothing.

Karen Starlene :star:

[deja true]

Kieron and Karen and most of the others have it down...

He's no silly teen-ager...

He's already sought professional advice...

You're only job as a parent now, is to love unconditionally and support him...

You're already close....I think coming out to him will draw you even closer...but...

No negativity allowed! Talk about your concerns, but do not, do not, attempt to thwart him from a path that has obviously been considered for such a long time and is probably a desperate need for his own well being.

Love always finds a way.

[Sharon]

.... The problem is, he is 6'2" and 220lbs..... My problem is this, I now feel that I will have to out myself to him to be able to converse in a meaningful way as a don't believe he is making the right decision and the outcome will be less than desirable, I believe. Sounds like a bunch of hipocracy, maybe it is but I only want the best for my kids an see them prosper, any advise on how I should handle this?


First of all, a person's size has absolutely no bearing on whether they are transsexual or not, and should not be a factor on whether they transition or not. It's the mind that matters, not your appearance. Where do you draw the line on whether it is appropriate to be transsexual? Can you be six feet tall and 200 lbs.? Or maybe it should be five feet-nine inches and 160 lbs.

How about just talking with your son and finding out more about how he feels, rather than telling him "no, you can't, you're too large?" Why don't you try to learn what steps he has taken up to this point in time? Don't you think he has spent an overwhelming part of his life thinking this through? Chances are that he has.

Be there for your son. Get to know him -- the real him -- and tell him that you love him no matter what. Whether you are as honest about yourself as he is being with you is entirely your decision.

[Elizabeth2]

Thank you all for your advice and support, I feel more confident that I can handle this now. I realize that my son has given this a great deal of thought and telling me must have been the hardest thing he has ever had to do.

[Sarahgurl371]

Elizabeth, the fact that your son told you this about himself says alot. It means he trusts you, wants you in his life, and probably is looking for your opinion. Someone else posted that his telling you about himself was probably one of the hardest things in his life. As someone who has talked with my father about TG/TS issues, trust me, it is about the hardest thing that a "son" can do.

I was lucky. My dad sat there and listened, asked some thoughtful questions, let me get it out, and in the end offered a hug, and expressed his love and desrie for my happiness. It was not easy or comfortable for either of us. It was the first of many talks between the two of us. A loving parent is about one of the best blessings a child can have.

I can understand you hesitance to talk about yourself. I can only imagine that it would bring the two of you closer. That it may cause your child to examine their motivations all over again, and that can't be a bad thing. I imagine it might cause some confusion as well. If it where me, I would tell. We spend a bunch of time here on these boards gaining knowlege from others' experiences. Trusting my father, I can only imagine that his experience in life would be that much more of an important piece of the puzzle.

[KeriB]

It was a tremendously brave thing that he did, coming out to you. I would reciprocate... why would he have issues accepting you as you are? I have suspicions about my own son, and I myself am actively considering transition, but if my son were to come out, I would have no probs sharing with him - it makes a stronger bond and demonstrates the ability to relate to the issue personally... Just make sure he gets all the - positive - support he needs...

[Tracy_Victoria]

Having read your post a couple of times, I think your worries are related to his size and build as much as other matter.

He has put incredable trust in you, so the fact of the matter what ever your problem is, at least be honest with him, and voice your fears.

And by the way, I weigh more than your son does, not quite as tall, and yet I am accepted as female when out. Remember RG's come in all shapes and sizes. so hieght, size, wieght, and even looks can all be over come as a crossdresser. basically it just a case of looking the best you can. And believe me, as a guy, nobody would ever link Tracy to actually being me!

[noeleena]

hi.... Elizabeth. WOW ..... thats the first time i have heard of some one so close in a family . hey i would be so delighted to have one of our kids ...say ... that &. then to come to you ....thats so neat .....ya ya i know would i wish this on some one . no because i am a transfemale .& yes i know what it does to you & your ...family... oh yea. take your time. let your trans kid . ya ya i know grown up . tell .....you ...... let what ever comes from the heart at your time to gether. at the right moment let it be known you allso are trans . at this time its going to be so emotionally charged .you are going to have to hold back trust me ....i know ... when i talked with our girl i had to just hear what she was & was not saying you are going to see things like never befor & it wont stop remember this will be like two men . what you will need to do is think like a women other wise you will miss some things . oh dear ..... please let us know how it all goes . i know its hard as a male to let go. as a women you can . emotionally you can........you will . oh yea. have a neat time ... noeleena....

[AmandaM]

Let us know how it goes! You're doing the right thing. Your son NEEDS you!