Losing a part of me

[tasha_cd]

I am writing this to see if anyone else has felt this way.

I am 38 married with 4 kids and just begining my transistion.

After years, 3 decades infact of denyal and excuses I'm now at a stage in my life that I can no longer stay the way I am and have taken steps to transistion (M2F) but I've been strugling for the last few days with my emotions. While I am in no doubt it is the right thing for me to do. I feel at a loss. I feel that a part of me is dying which saddens me. I feel that my children have been cheated out of a future with their dad and my wife has lost her husband.

Even while typing this the waterworks has started up again . omg I'm a basket case and I haven't even started on the Hormones

My wife and the oldest two children (teenagers) understand and are very supportive of my decision to change and I am hoping that they.. we .. will continue to be a family. But I still cant get past this over welming sense of guilt and now am questining weather I could remain the way I was for them.

[GypsyKaren]

What's dying is a life built on falsehood, not a part of you. Everyone gets to a point where they have to do what's right for themselves, and there's nothing wrong with that. Transitioning doesn't mean that you'll no longer be dad, I'm a post-op and I will always be dad for my children, that's something I don't ever want to change. Your wife is supportive, that's a good thing.

There's no easy answers about the guilt thing, I had it but it does go away as you continue your journey and find peace with yourself, it just takes time. All you can do is continue to be there for your close ones, as who you truly are.

Karen Starlene :star:

[CaptLex]

Hi Tasha, I feel for you honey and I wish I had some answers.

I don't have an SO and I know from reading the posts here time and time again that most of the time the relationship with a spouse/partner changes so much that they part company. I don't know if anything can be done to prevent that - it seems to me either the couple grows clsoer or they grow apart due to transition, and it's nothing anyone can predict.

As for kids - what works for me is that my relationship with my son hasn't changed. I'm basically a parent, and the term "mom" or "dad" is irrelevant to me. I've told him he can still call me Mom if that's what he's comfortable with and I have no problem with that because it's how he's always known me, but I really just see myself as a parent . . . maybe a Mr. Mom. But nothing has changed with us - we still hang out together, have dinner sometimes, catch a movie, etc.

I hope your family will see you as a person first - and a happier person at that, and hopefully that will be what matters most. Good luck :hugs:

[Sharon]

I am very familiar with the feelings of guilt about putting loved ones through this, something they had never envisioned having to deal with. Your wife and children are accepting of this outward change in you -- try your damndest not to drive them off with your guilt and self-consciousness and let them know through your words and actions that you are still the same person no matter what, only happier and more genuine. In other words, be there for them now as much as they are there for you.

And good luck! :)