Melissa A.
05-10-2005, 11:47 AM
I am so angry with my ex, and dissapointed in myself right now.
A little background, first: My second wife and I never should have married. She was looking for a husband, and I, though I thought I was ready, was probably still on the rebound from my first wife. That was truly heartbreaking. This was not. When we split up last Spring, it was a great relief to me. To her too, as far as I know. She moved out. I stayed in the apartment. I wanted her to go so bad, I payed all the bills the last 3 months she was there, so she could save up for her own place. She is kinda lazy, and in my opinion, not real bright. 10 months later, a bunch of her stuff is still here. She comes over, usually on weekends when I am usually away,(i work alot) and takes a handful of stuff with her. I have never had a real huge problem with this, and am a pretty easygoing person, sometimes to a fault. She still has keys, and again, I don't have a big problem with that. She often will leave a message a day or two in advance, but I really don't care about that. I usually have not been there when she comes over, anyway. I usually hear the message after she has come and gone. She has done a few thoughtless things, like leaving a mess a couple of times. She also broke the closer on the deck screen door taking out furniture with someone once and never said anything about it. I got over it. My view, having been through divorce before, is, "Is this gonna mean anything to me a year from now?" If the answer is no, I just drop it and move on.
She knows I am a crossdresser. Didn't like it, but never gave me a truly hard time about doing it when she wasn't home. My friends and family really don't like her, something I always suspected, but was never really told till after the fact. She talks too much, always seems to be putting on an act, and generally annoys people. On top of that, she bounced checks to a couple of my friend's wives while we were married(a pampered chef thing, or something) and when they got really angry, she acted like it was no big deal. We did have financial problems, which I am as much at fault for as her. Those days are mostly behind me, as I have found a very good job. Anyway, enough of these minute details.
In addition to splitting up with my wife, cleaning up my finances, and working very hard to get this job(it took months of hard work), last year was the time I finally came to terms with myself as a cd. I have learned to love who I am truly. And outside of work, maybe, I really don't care who knows.(on the other hand, I don't shove it in people's faces, either. I don't see a need to make people uncomfortable, like neighbors) All the years of shame, embarrassment, denial and suppression are truly behind me. I really am happy. For what is the first time in my life.
On Sunday, I got home in the morning after 2 days out of town, working. After relaxing for a while, I got dressed. After a little while, I heard a knock on the door. At first, I thought it must be the downstairs neighbor. Figured I'd just go in my bedroom and not answer, as he knows I work and sleep wierd hours sometimes. It was my ex, and she opened the door, calling my name. OK, I thought, She's never actually seen me dressed and madeup, but what the hell.This is the new me, and this is my place. Not a big deal. Bring it on.Then I heard her talking to someone. I said from the bedroom, "Are you alone?"
"No, Mom's with me."
This caught me compleely off guard. I said, "I just got back into town, and was sleeping." Even though the TV and computer were on. She caught a glimpse of me through the cracked door, then closed it. I stayed in my room while they were there, maybe five minutes. I can't tell you how horrible this made me feel! It brought back all those memories of being afraid, embarrassed. Made me feel like I haven't proggressed at all, even though I was doing it to keep her mother from feeling uncomfortable. I almost walked right out once, but didn't. I felt like a scared, ashamed teen. I had an opportunity to show that I am comfortable with who I am, and failed.
Later in the day, I called her and we had a huge fight. I said it is common courtesy to call someone before you come over, to make sure it's a good time. She said she did call, on Friday, and that IT"S NOT HER PROBLEM that I didnt get the message! And that it's never been a problem before, as I am never there. I said that doesn't matter. I don't care if you give me a heads up a day or two in advance or not. Your'e always welcome to come here and get stuff. Just call right before to make sure it's a good time. Besides being dressed, I could have had a woman here. I could be sick. Anything. That was very inconsiderate, and you made me look like an idiot. I want you to tell your mom, if she doesn't know, that I am a crossdresser, and that I stayed in my room for her benefit.
She didn't get any of it. She just kept repeating "I did call".
On top of that, she called back five minutes later, to let me know that she may be coming over Friday to get more stuff. Then I truly went nuts. DON"T YOU GET ANYTHING? ARE YOU DENSE? I SAID YOU DON"T HAVE TO DO THAT! HAVEN"T YOU HEARD A WORD I SAID?!? JUST SHOW ME SOME RESPECT AND COURTESY AND CALL RIGHT BEFORE YOU COME OVER, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
"But I did call! It's not my problem if..."
Couldn't take it. Hung up.
I will get over "failing the test". I did it to not make her mom uncomfortable, I know that. Although I had a good long cry over it, especially when I talked to my gf later. She was a great help. It just made me feel so shitty about myself, regardless of the reason.
As far as our fight, was I wrong? I do have to admit that if they had come over and I had not been dressed, I probably would not have been half as pissed off. So I don't know.
Thanks for listening, everyone. It feels good to write it down and get it out again. Sorry the post was so long.
Hugs,
Melissa :)
A little background, first: My second wife and I never should have married. She was looking for a husband, and I, though I thought I was ready, was probably still on the rebound from my first wife. That was truly heartbreaking. This was not. When we split up last Spring, it was a great relief to me. To her too, as far as I know. She moved out. I stayed in the apartment. I wanted her to go so bad, I payed all the bills the last 3 months she was there, so she could save up for her own place. She is kinda lazy, and in my opinion, not real bright. 10 months later, a bunch of her stuff is still here. She comes over, usually on weekends when I am usually away,(i work alot) and takes a handful of stuff with her. I have never had a real huge problem with this, and am a pretty easygoing person, sometimes to a fault. She still has keys, and again, I don't have a big problem with that. She often will leave a message a day or two in advance, but I really don't care about that. I usually have not been there when she comes over, anyway. I usually hear the message after she has come and gone. She has done a few thoughtless things, like leaving a mess a couple of times. She also broke the closer on the deck screen door taking out furniture with someone once and never said anything about it. I got over it. My view, having been through divorce before, is, "Is this gonna mean anything to me a year from now?" If the answer is no, I just drop it and move on.
She knows I am a crossdresser. Didn't like it, but never gave me a truly hard time about doing it when she wasn't home. My friends and family really don't like her, something I always suspected, but was never really told till after the fact. She talks too much, always seems to be putting on an act, and generally annoys people. On top of that, she bounced checks to a couple of my friend's wives while we were married(a pampered chef thing, or something) and when they got really angry, she acted like it was no big deal. We did have financial problems, which I am as much at fault for as her. Those days are mostly behind me, as I have found a very good job. Anyway, enough of these minute details.
In addition to splitting up with my wife, cleaning up my finances, and working very hard to get this job(it took months of hard work), last year was the time I finally came to terms with myself as a cd. I have learned to love who I am truly. And outside of work, maybe, I really don't care who knows.(on the other hand, I don't shove it in people's faces, either. I don't see a need to make people uncomfortable, like neighbors) All the years of shame, embarrassment, denial and suppression are truly behind me. I really am happy. For what is the first time in my life.
On Sunday, I got home in the morning after 2 days out of town, working. After relaxing for a while, I got dressed. After a little while, I heard a knock on the door. At first, I thought it must be the downstairs neighbor. Figured I'd just go in my bedroom and not answer, as he knows I work and sleep wierd hours sometimes. It was my ex, and she opened the door, calling my name. OK, I thought, She's never actually seen me dressed and madeup, but what the hell.This is the new me, and this is my place. Not a big deal. Bring it on.Then I heard her talking to someone. I said from the bedroom, "Are you alone?"
"No, Mom's with me."
This caught me compleely off guard. I said, "I just got back into town, and was sleeping." Even though the TV and computer were on. She caught a glimpse of me through the cracked door, then closed it. I stayed in my room while they were there, maybe five minutes. I can't tell you how horrible this made me feel! It brought back all those memories of being afraid, embarrassed. Made me feel like I haven't proggressed at all, even though I was doing it to keep her mother from feeling uncomfortable. I almost walked right out once, but didn't. I felt like a scared, ashamed teen. I had an opportunity to show that I am comfortable with who I am, and failed.
Later in the day, I called her and we had a huge fight. I said it is common courtesy to call someone before you come over, to make sure it's a good time. She said she did call, on Friday, and that IT"S NOT HER PROBLEM that I didnt get the message! And that it's never been a problem before, as I am never there. I said that doesn't matter. I don't care if you give me a heads up a day or two in advance or not. Your'e always welcome to come here and get stuff. Just call right before to make sure it's a good time. Besides being dressed, I could have had a woman here. I could be sick. Anything. That was very inconsiderate, and you made me look like an idiot. I want you to tell your mom, if she doesn't know, that I am a crossdresser, and that I stayed in my room for her benefit.
She didn't get any of it. She just kept repeating "I did call".
On top of that, she called back five minutes later, to let me know that she may be coming over Friday to get more stuff. Then I truly went nuts. DON"T YOU GET ANYTHING? ARE YOU DENSE? I SAID YOU DON"T HAVE TO DO THAT! HAVEN"T YOU HEARD A WORD I SAID?!? JUST SHOW ME SOME RESPECT AND COURTESY AND CALL RIGHT BEFORE YOU COME OVER, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
"But I did call! It's not my problem if..."
Couldn't take it. Hung up.
I will get over "failing the test". I did it to not make her mom uncomfortable, I know that. Although I had a good long cry over it, especially when I talked to my gf later. She was a great help. It just made me feel so shitty about myself, regardless of the reason.
As far as our fight, was I wrong? I do have to admit that if they had come over and I had not been dressed, I probably would not have been half as pissed off. So I don't know.
Thanks for listening, everyone. It feels good to write it down and get it out again. Sorry the post was so long.
Hugs,
Melissa :)