Post/Statement #2 (I think it is 2)

[HelpNeeded]

My son came to me earlier today and asked about 'that site that was there before' and if it was 'still there'. I said it was and asked him if he wanted to put something in. He said yes and so thats what brought us here today. I will give him the keyboard and let him type.

Hi, I dont really know if this is the right place to say it but i need some help and i dont really think anyone else might understand. but maybe you will. Lately since that discovery that was made I have been feeling uptight and concerned about what others thought of me. When someone says something not necisarrily nice to me, even if it is a joke i feel that it hurts me. In school i have a reputation for being 'funny' and somewhat 'cool' i dont have a problem with that but sometimes i feel that it is not who i really am. like i am lying to myself. The people i hang out with at school often make fun of stuff that seems 'gay' or 'queer' not necisarrily people but things in general. I dont really have much of a choice but to join in to some extent without being penalised (spelling?). I am 200% sure that i cant say anything about myself for real without people looking at me differently, i think they are all a bit too immature to understand. This message may not seem that it has much of a point but it means alot to me to get it out there and maybe get some advice.




Mothers edit: Some new underwear has indeed sneaked into the back of his drawer into a locked box ;).

[Marianne]

The key phrase is "i think they are all a bit too immature to understand".

Learn it, remember it.

The 'teen' years are all about a 'voyage of discovery', and for many folks they are not only immature, they are *terrified*. They are terrified that they might turn out to be 'not normal', and therefore they overcompensate.

Probably best that you don't tell them, you have enough problems to deal with as it is.

The term 'gay' is often used in teen circles to mean anything they personally don't approve of. Even more so for anything that seems to be counter to the idea that guys are big tough warriors who never cry. Part of that is due to 'peer pressure' , part is due to the society and culture around them.

Eventually, many of them will grow out of that attitude. In the meantime it's best not to attempt to 'educate' them.

I think I said it before, but I'll say it again. During the height of the 'Samurai' period in japan (1696 -1896), the samurai warriors studied a slew of martial arts, and they also studied such 'gay' subjects as poetry, flower arranging, tea ceremony and impromptu verse (a kind of poetry). Traditional japanese theater only had men on stage, playing ALL the parts.

The 'average' japanese citizen would *not* point and laugh at a samurai warrior and call him 'gay' for arranging flowers (the consequences would be instantly fatal).

Don't sweat it too much, be happy that you have an understanding Mom who is helping you learn about yourself.

Some articles which may help.

http://www.indigosun.com/aug1998/golden.htm All about 'the masks we wear'.

A poem by Robert Dunbar...

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

-----------

Also see http://www.lessons4living.com/persona.htm which describes the same thing.

-----------

All of which basically says that it's ok to put on a different 'face' in public and keep many things hidden. Just as long as you understand that you're wearing a 'mask' and can manage to cope with it.

Hope that helps...

[Tristen Cox]

As usual good advice from Marianne;) I can only add that I was there myself, funny guy center of attention etc. But the chats always turned to putting down groups ,mainly gays and guys who acted girly. I had to play along to fit in. However sometimes not saying anything is better than saying what you don't really mean just to fit in. I felt the same way like I was watch myself from outside and trying to be one of the group, when somehow I really wasn't because it wasn't being honest. I still do. The better side is thinking "if they only knew what I really think". This may not help much but some times it's good to just talk about things. Take care :)

[StephanieCD]

Again - with your mother's permission you may feel free to PM me and we can email advice-y questions and random venting whenever you want.

Advice...

When I was younger I was beat up and picked on because I was different - nobody knew my secret, NO ONE. I was funny and eccentric and often acted really strange - it's just who I was... pretty weird ;) I often participated in conversations with friends who were making fun of boys who dress like girls. I always had the funniest joke, too - because I KNEW.

I always wondered if the things people were saying was because they knew my secret or could tell something about me... I always wondered if I got beat up or picked on because they knew... I always wondered so many things about my dressing tendencies - fact is, all that stuff happened to every other kid I knew too. They all thought that stuff about them and THEIR secret or how they felt about THEMSELVES, too. It's part of being a kid, man. Really.

Throughout life you may try to blame your dressing on many things - and many things on your dressing. That's fine - I think most of us have done it. But try to step outside yourself for a minute and realise that no one has any idea and they are being the way they are for their own reasons. If you don't like them or they don't like you it's not because you have panties hidden your room - it's probably because they're a shmuck ;)

Seriously - remove your thoughts of your dressing from your views on how you "fit in" and you'll be miles ahead of me, for one. It's ok to wonder why and think, think, think about things sometimes - but if you start making yourself feel like a freak you'll become one - at least to yourself. Like we've all said - you've got an awesome Mom. Take advantage of that acceptance and realise that it's ok to be you, whoever that is, even if nobody knows.

Screw 'em, buddy. Be you - you can still have friends and be the funny guy. What you do behind curtains has nothing to do with being funny in the cafeteria. Know what I mean?

Again - my inbox is yours :) Good luck!

[Cissy Suzie]

OK 3 times I have clicked the reply icon and then hit the return icon. I think I have something to say, but I hate saying it.

I grew up in a rural area, I was the class clown, smarter than most of my classmates and I knew I was cool.

I somehow found myself dressing up and actually wishing I could be a girl. I heard the older boys talking about going out and "rolling" queers. They would go out and pick up gay guys and beat them up and rob them.

I also got caught dressed up, and bad things happened. I didn't have an understanding mom to help me.

Get used to hearing your friends talking about "queers" and be thankful you have a mother who understands you and is willing to support you. I wish I had a mother like that. :)

[DonnaT]

I'll give you a different take on what I think you should consider.

I'm going to ask you to read the web site http://www.dayofsilence.org/

Teasing and fighting have to stop in schools, and now is the time to do it before it gets worse in a couple more years. We've all read about kids who have been teased coming to school with guns and such.

I believe you have the capability to organize, with the school's help, a day of silence group. It does not have to be based on gay or transgender bias, it can include everyone that gets picked on in school.

Having a rep for being funny is 'cool', but it's a whole lot cooler having a rep for being a good guy. I wasn't a class clown, but I was well liked and could sit with any of the 'cliques' in the school without being rejected. The kids knew that if they needed help, they could come to me.

[Holly]

Hi... nice to see you here again (note to mom- you are one very special lady!) Sometimes just getting something out can be a big relief. I hope you're feeling a little better. Right now you're going through one of the most difficult periods of your life. Your mom has taught you the basics and now you have to try and figure out how to apply them in this world... right and wrong, good and bad, positive and negative. As I recall (it was a long time ago), being a teenager isn't always easy. But get used to it, son... life is not always easy. At his very moment, you are defining your character. And doing the RIGHT thing is not always easy. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not at all suggesting that you out yourself to your school chums. But as someone who is respected among his peers, you are in a position to cause some of your friends to do some thinking. Sometimes it's relatively easy. Let me give you an example... if someone says, "Hey, lets go out and beat up some queers," that's clearly wrong, and you could say that you will not participate in such behavior. It gets a little trickier when it comes to verbal "bashing." Morally it's just as wrong as physical violence, and perhaps even more damaging. But if you could suggest to your friends that there may be other view points to be considered, you may just get some people to question their own thinking. It takes a little finesse and a little thought on your part, but you will find that you will be more pleased with yourself in the long run. And you will become a positive force in effecting change in society.

Come back and visit soon... it's like I'm living my youth all over again... kinda fun. Take care and be careful.

[biddy]

I'm thrilled and excited to see this thread, it shows the true potential of this forum. Need Help and Other could we maybe have nicer names to call you's ?
As for advice to the questions I can't add as I was bought up in a different way and can-not relate to the issues. I would like to say though to OTHER you are one gifted VEGEMITE to have the mum you have, TREASURE HER. Finaly you are getting advice from the best we have here, LUCKY GIRLS, good luck to you.;)

[Lady Jayne]

Ok let me see if I can put your mind at rest


I have been feeling uptight and concerned about what others thought of me. When someone says something not necisarrily nice to me, even if it is a joke i feel that it hurts me. .
This is normal all teenagers feel the same way,even the bullys only do what they do because they are insecure.


In school i have a reputation for being 'funny' and somewhat 'cool' i dont have a problem with that but sometimes i feel that it is not who i really am. like i am lying to myself.
You are not lying to yourself everybody has many different aspects to thier personality,The crossdressing is part of who you are but it isn't all you are, you simply choose not to share that one aspect of your personality with the people at your school.Think of it this way, lets say there are 100 boys at your school, would it supprise you to know that at least 2 of them like to dress in girls cloths as well or that probably 4 or 5 are gay,they may not know it yet but they are! now I do not know the exact percentage of the population that falls into these catagories but believe me they are a lot higher than my example.They play along for the exact same reasons as you do, some will even call other people to try and divert attension away from themselves.


I am 200% sure that i cant say anything about myself for real without people looking at me differently, i think they are all a bit too immature to understand
You don't have to, Nobody is asking you to don a red cape and blue tights with a big S on the back(though it might be fun) and go out championing the weak and innocent.
Your dam right 14/15 year old boys are way too immature to understand, and unfortunatly some people never mature beyond the mind of a 15 year old boy.
Don't ever be ashamed of what you do but... you don't have to shout it from the rooftops either so if you choose to keep things private that is your choice!

Hope I have been of some help!

[Kimberly]

That sounds almost exactly like my situation at college, (UK sixth form,) Son of HelpNeeded.

"Gay" seems to be the word of the moment for teens, and it doesn't get much easier when you are on the verge of adulthood either... I suppose that's what university is for...

My advice to you is: know that what these people are saying is prejudice and quite wrong. The difference in what they are saying and what you are feeling, (because the gay and crossdressing communities are quite well linked,) is that they are commenting on a stereotype and you are a person, and feel the brunt their jokes personally. Basically, when I am in a situation where this is happening I tend to not say anything, or actually argue with them about it. Yes, they may turn around and shout "you're gay!" At you, but, asure them of your sexuality, (if it really is any of their business,) and ask them why they see it as being something that is wrong or weird.

Let my give some examples:

I know a lad at school who is in my friendship group. Their not close friends, but I've known them a little while. I'm pretty sure he's gay, because at a party (where copious amounts of drink were involved,) he got drunk and starting flirting quite inconspiquously flirting with one of these friends within the group. It has been joked about it ever since, but thankfully he hasn't taken it badly at all - he just laughs along with the group. But I have decided not to take any role in their prejudice statements, as I feel I empathise with the way some gay men are treated.

Another example: A close friend of mine recently came out, and it is fairly obvious to anyone what his sexuality is. He's flamboyant, is generally quick witted, and acts quite feminine but as found a good friendship group within his year group. Someone who had just met him commented to someone's mum, "God! He's SO GAY!"

... Again, I didn't partake in this conversation, and also defended him along with the mother's help. This comment was wrong, because it wasn't huring the guy who said it, and it really didn't affect his life in any way. And I think the term he is looking for is "camp".

Another (last one, I promise) - A friend from the lower years said to me this morning, "You're hairs getting quite long... You look like a girl this morning." I nearly said thanks, but thought it best not to. Then he said, "You look bent. Please don't be bent..."
"What's wrong with being bent?" I asked.
"... Nothing." He said, and the conversation resumed. What this friend thinks of me or not now is not a concern of mine, because I know what I am and what I am not - I am me. If people have problems with labelling individuals and not looking at the real person, then that's their problem. Personally: I take everyone as they come. Nothing more.

If you want to talk, son of HelpNeeded, then you can e-mail me. Honestly, I'm free to offer you any advice. I'm 18, so can probably empathise with your situation and age. Kimberly.tv@gmail.com

Please DO get in touch. :)

[DonnaT]

Additional to my previous post, you might casually mention to these kids doing the 'bullying', something along the lines:


"You know, someday when we graduate school, we are going to be looking for a job. One of those kids you are teasing may be the person you might have to ask for that job, or might be the person you'd end up working for. What you're saying now, could come back to haunt you later in life."

I know it sure would give me something to consider if I was a bully.

[nikky]

by the way...the stat is actually about 1 in 10 people are gay. i am way to full of stupid useless knowledge. and i dont know how they came to that conclusion but that what they say