A second Chance

[Notbychoice]

After talking to a very nice person here, one I believe to have much wisdom and insight to life, I've decided to give this a second chance.

I know a lot of you have read my previous post and think I'm a pompus a$#. That's ok. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs.

I guess I went about my post the wrong way, so let's try it this way.

I like to wear women's lingerie, an "underdresser" if that's what you'd like to call it. I grew up with a fetish that has totally consumed my thoughts and actions. I believe that I did not grow up with what most would consider to be healthy childhood development. This fetish has caused me to poor self-esteem, withdrawl from real life issues and I have become antisocial, all of which are unhealthy for any individual.

In a nutshell, I don't believe in my heart of hearts that I am supposed to be a CD. I believe that this is just something that happened and can be overcome if I so choose to try. Just as a TS believes and feels that they are supposed to be the opposite sex, I feel as strongly that I am not supposed to be a CD. I don't know why I feel this way. I just do. I'm not sure that any of you feel the same way. I guess that's why I feel out of place a bit here.

I have been to therapy briefly, but my insurance does not cover this kind of thing so I can't afford to continue. I am considering saving my money for aversion therapy to help me change into the person I believe myself to be.

I am not totally unhappy with myself. Quite the opposite. Anyone who knows me in RL knows I smile and joke a lot and love having a god time. I have a great job, I pay my bills, I make smart decisions (except I always seem to blow the budget on panties :sad:) I just believe that everyone has a need for self actualization. Self actualization is different for everyone, just as everyone's perception of what "normal" might be is completely different. It's all relative.

I don't think I will ever achieve the long term goals I have set forth for myself by continuing to wear womens lingerie. This is my reality. I'm not saying that is is how the majority of the people on thsi board feel. IMO, continuing to do this will only damage my future development as an adult and any relationship I choose to be in, just as it has in the past and is continuing to do.

If anyone else has these feelings, feel free to PM me. I'd love to hear from you.

[DemonicDaughter]

Though I'm not a cder but a GG, I can tell you, in my experiences in this community, you are not alone. Even outside this community, people struggle on a daily basis with who they are and who they want to be. Communities like this one help us find a better way to not only communicate with others but ourselves as well. I'm happy that you've found a friend on this board and that you will continue to post. I'm sure within time you will find your niche. :)

[deja true]

There are many here with a lot of wisdom about our interest and about the ways of the world in general.

But the way they got that way was by interacting with all kinds of people in all kinds of situations...

A couple of your posts were kinda off-putting. And, you're right, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. The beauty of a virtual conversation is that it doesn't lead to fisticuffs, eh? There are two sensible options: a calm and venom-free exchange of ideas or to walk away.

The wise ones may have started just like you, low self esteem and an anti-social persona based on guilt and frustration. But it's easy to see their growth mentally and socially by following their careers as contributors here. From fear to self-confidence. From shame to self realization.

Many of us realize that finally dealing with what we are and what we do in an open and honest forum has made us even better people in the big world outside, away from the clothes thing. Dealing with and vanquishing personal, private devils has made us better all around human beings. In many ways it's a lot like group therapy but without the pesky shrink who keeps interrupting and then closes the session just when things get going!

You can believe or not that you are supposed to be a crossdresser, but don't take an arrogant defensive posture to those that disagree in print. You do, after all, fit most of our definitions of that term for the moment.

For the future, maybe therapy will help. I hope it's possible for you to find a good therapist that you can afford or might be available to you at no cost through a government program or maybe a GLBT outreach program.

Research aversion therapies very carefully. They might be workable for acquired habits like smoking or drinking or fear of flying, but the psyche is a delicate thing, especially when it comes to gender issues. A pavlovian training might only cover up and not resolve a deep seated issue that needs airing rather than disguising.

Thanks for giving us another try. We're really not all arrogant harridans or self-deceived whack jobs. Some are just more sensitive to the written word and the possible underlying subtexts there. Doesn't mean we don't get it wrong sometime, okay?

Peace?

Shake?

Start over?

respect & love,

deja

[Nicki B]

I guess I just want to be a normal guy. I feel abnormal and have felt this way for many years. I'm not sure my feelings will ever change about this.

I'm quite sure those feelings cover most of the people here? Even the partners have to live with the consequences..

What comes over from your posts is that you don't accept, or like yourself very much. :sad:

Until you can come to terms with who you are and accept that is the way you were made, it's not surprising that you have difficulties relating with other people?

Who you are is not wrong - just different to the way you were brought up? But the rest of the world does things differently, too - humanity (and nature) is defined by it's variation?

[Huntress]

Good onya for the second trip down the track. Self awareness and force of will can achieve goals beyond most people's ability. Follow your muse, but be flexible like the willow.:thumbsup:

Huntress

[Sally2005]

I think there are two kinds of CDers. The ones that decided to accept it as part or their being and those that don't. Usually everyone starts out not accepting it and eventually they decide they must accept it because it is part of who they are...the desire just won't go away. We don't hear much about anyone who has stopped, they end up coming back sometimes after a long time. If you find another solution let me know. I would love to be able to turn this desire on and off. For now I just try to enjoy it as much as possible.

[Vivian Best]

If your aversion to CDing is as strong as you suggest you might well be able to quit if that is what you want to do! I've read of a few young folks who were highly motivated to quit and were able to stop. I do wonder though, you saying you bust your budget on panties. To me that doesn't sound like someone who is highly motivated to stop. Good luck on stopping if that is what you want to do.

[melisss2u]

glad you are giving it another shot


MAybe try buying some mens underwear in some colors see it that helps

[Notbychoice]

There are many here with a lot of wisdom about our interest and about the ways of the world in general.

But the way they got that way was by interacting with all kinds of people in all kinds of situations...

A couple of your posts were kinda off-putting. And, you're right, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. The beauty of a virtual conversation is that it doesn't lead to fisticuffs, eh? There are two sensible options: a calm and venom-free exchange of ideas or to walk away.

The wise ones may have started just like you, low self esteem and an anti-social persona based on guilt and frustration. But it's easy to see their growth mentally and socially by following their careers as contributors here. From fear to self-confidence. From shame to self realization.

Many of us realize that finally dealing with what we are and what we do in an open and honest forum has made us even better people in the big world outside, away from the clothes thing. Dealing with and vanquishing personal, private devils has made us better all around human beings. In many ways it's a lot like group therapy but without the pesky shrink who keeps interrupting and then closes the session just when things get going!

You can believe or not that you are supposed to be a crossdresser, but don't take an arrogant defensive posture to those that disagree in print. You do, after all, fit most of our definitions of that term for the moment.

For the future, maybe therapy will help. I hope it's possible for you to find a good therapist that you can afford or might be available to you at no cost through a government program or maybe a GLBT outreach program.

Research aversion therapies very carefully. They might be workable for acquired habits like smoking or drinking or fear of flying, but the psyche is a delicate thing, especially when it comes to gender issues. A pavlovian training might only cover up and not resolve a deep seated issue that needs airing rather than disguising.

Thanks for giving us another try. We're really not all arrogant harridans or self-deceived whack jobs. Some are just more sensitive to the written word and the possible underlying subtexts there. Doesn't mean we don't get it wrong sometime, okay?

Peace?

Shake?

Start over?

respect & love,

deja

There is a certain aspect about online forums, chatting, email that completely take away from true communication (body language, gestures, facial expressions.) The emotes help a lot, but it's far from the pure level of communication one would get if two people were talking in person.

I'm not mad at you. I'm not a grudge holder or an angry, bitter person by any stretch of the imagination. It's good in the neighborhood. I did however want to mispell every single word to you in my last post :devil:

I wish you the best.

[Huntress]

Wah? effront Deja withe mizspelling. Thet wud bee xtremlly dangerful. teh lasst peopul thet diid thes thengs wuz burried n eh shaloww gravvy boht withe noh gravvy ladel. horrilibus.:D

Huunttresz

[DemonicDaughter]

Wah? effront Deja withe mizspelling. Thet wud bee xtremlly dangerful. teh lasst peopul thet diid thes thengs wuz burried n eh shaloww gravvy boht withe noh gravvy ladel. horrilibus.:D

Huunttresz

:bigsmack: Don't EVER do that again! I actually tried to read that crap! lol

[Celeste]

I've had long stretches of not dressing and used to combat it in my head a lot.Am I? Am I not? Should I stop?I had quite a lot of indecision going on within me and it caused a lot of unnecessary stress.If I would have just gone with the flow of things and not tried so hard to classify myself ,I would have spared myself the worry.Don't put yourself through this anguish daily,just enjoy it or put the clothes away.

[sandra-leigh]

Thanks for giving us another try. We're really not all arrogant harridans or self-deceived whack jobs.

We aren't?? Then explain this if you can: why does the sign-up page ask for our Registered Harridan ID Number?! And why is the site name crossdressers.com ??

But I've been wrong from time to time, so I have referred further discussion of this issue to a poll in the Lounge.

[DanaR]

:bigsmack: Don't EVER do that again! I actually tried to read that crap! lol

Me too!

[sterling12]

I think you have your forums mixed up. I think you want the one for Crossdresser's Anonymous. Oops, doesn't exist does it? That ought to tell you something!

I'm not sure what you require from us. We are very bad at finding methods designed to get folks to spend their lives in pain and suffering. If you want to waste money on Aversion therapy, have at it! I'm not sure if it's even practiced anymore because it seldom works, and there is a problem with ethical treatment plus torture. Tell you what, instead of seeking a therapist to do The Aversion Stuff, why don't you just get an anvil. Every time you have an "unclean thought," just drop it on your foot; you'll get the same effect, and it's way cheaper. For all those guilt symptoms, there are a number of Religious Groups you can join....they usually do a great job with guilt.

Now for the cheapest and best advise. Why not just drop all the hand wringing and mea culpa's? If you lived through "The Eye of Katrina," as your Avatar suggests, you should now understand that life is fragile, and your only "given" the very second in which your now existing. Your choice; piss your life away in fruitless angst and sorrow, or live it fully, with pride and with your head up.

You want help to "get better," and learn to accept....we are all available. You want to keep "hanging black crepe" and feeling sorry for yourself; just watch how fast people walk away. Hell, we all have problems, welcome to The Club.

Time to grow up, and have a quality rest of your life.

And I will still say:

Peace and Love, Joanie

[deja true]

Wah? effront Deja withe mizspelling. Thet wud bee xtremlly dangerful. teh lasst peopul thet diid thes thengs wuz burried n eh shaloww gravvy boht withe noh gravvy ladel. horrilibus.:D

Huunttresz

Well I got it , Huntress!

Thanks for upholding the side of culture and gentility.

You're a real lady!

I think!

[Notbychoice]

I think you have your forums mixed up. I think you want the one for Crossdresser's Anonymous.

This isn't Crossdressers Anonymous? OOPs. Sorry wrong number! :tongueout

[raleighbelle]

The fact that you dress in women's clothing makes you by definition a cross-dresser. Whether or not you should be - who cares? What harm is there in continuing it if you enjoy it and it doesn't affect anyone else? Rather than fighting it and trying to supress it, I would recommend enjoying it for the pleasure it gives you, and if you are not truly a cross dresser as you say, then the urge should just disappear on its own as you get over that phase of your life and it won't be an issue for you anymore. If, on the other hand, you are like the vast majority of us, and cross dressing is part of your psyche, then it is best to enjoy it rather than fight it and deny yourself. What in the world would be so bad about being a cross dresser???

[Notbychoice]

[QUOTE=I'm not sure what you require from us.[/QUOTE]

Quite honestly, I never go into any new situation with high expectations. I really don't expect anything other than to meet a couple of people that share my interest and possibly feel the way I do. That's it. I'm very low maintenance.

Do you think the SA would figure me out if I bought the anvil with the panties? :devil:

[Nicki B]

But I've been wrong from time to time, so I have referred further discussion of this issue to a pole in the Lounge.

Did you get his name? The best I could do was it had three 'z's in it.. :ermm:

[jill s]

I didn't see your last post so I have no idea what that's all about. Anyway I tried doing self administered aversion therapy. I was so screwed up by the experience. My wife didn't know what I was up to but keep asking why I was so moody and loosing my temper, she asked me to go see a therapist as she thought I was going over the edge. It didn't help me but you my have better luck.