Blackmail

[Shawna13]

Help I have been totally and honest with my SO nearly from day 1 and lately I have been feeling very uneasy about being so. I am ready to retract everything I have ever said or done about cd'ing because she is starting to threaten me with it. She has made verbal indications and done silly things to warn me she is going to use my honesty against me. Supposedly this person was my "soulmate" and best friend forever. I feel so ashamed and fearful. I want to crawl under a rock.

[Notbychoice]

The bad news is you can't retract anything now. The good news is that it's probably just that, and idle threat.

I think without more details, it's going to be tough to offer more specific advice.

[Alice B]

Time to tell her to move on.

[TxKimberly]

Depending on the woman you told, I could understand fearful, but why would you feel ashamed? You sucked it up and had the courage and decency to be honest with her - why on Earth would you be ashamed of that?
IF she abuses your trust YOU will have nothing to be ashamed of.

[DemonicDaughter]

Truth is, its her word against yours and without proof, she sounds like a bitter SO.

Hunnie, I hate to break this to you, but people who love you DON'T blackmail you. People who use you do. I understand you love her and believe her to be your soulmate but if you think about it, are soulmates suppose to make you feel horrible for being honest?

Without knowing more I'm afraid the only advice you will get here is to move on and leave her to her manipulative ways.

[Jodi]

Duh! And you are still married to this woman. Sounds like it's time for her to take a hike and for you to get a lawyer. No human being should have to put up with blackmail--let alone having it come from the one in your own house.

Jodi

[Amy Hepker]

Sounds to me what I went through. She told that she was going to tell people, hoping that I would quit dressing, well instead I went out and told the people she was going to tell and she got pissed about that. She just wanted me to quit.

[happygirl]

My ex threated me during a divorce to tell all. And at one time we were lovers and best friends. That just prompted me to do the talking first. Told the whole family before she could. Took all the wind out of her sails. And her blowhard mouth. She lost a friend in pulling that punch and she regrets it to this day. As for me, best thing that could ever have happened. NO SHAME, NO GUILT, NO REMORSE

[Holly]

Shawna, you did the honorable thing. You've done NOTHING to be ashamed of. DD has it absolutely right; people who love you, don't blackmail you or even attempt it. You need to tell her that you are having none of it. If she says she's going to tell, beat her to the punch.

[Joy Carter]

"There is a very fine line between love and hate."

My take on this saying is they couldn't have really loved you, to take this course of action, when the chips are down. I too advise you to move on with your life.

[Di]

You have done nothing to be ashamed about....SHE should be ashamed.. Sounds like she is on some power trip do not let her hold this over you. The girls have given you great advice best wishes hon:hugs:

["Mary"]

I'm guessing she thinks this is "tough love" and she is taking extreme measures for your own good, and to save you from your self. Watch out if you see a van pull up quickly and three big guys jump out. Could be a hasty trip to the deprogramming center.

I'm only half serious. But I'm only half kidding.

[susanmichelle]

I had a neighbor over a year ago that i dated and she started to act really jealous of my friends and anyone that i knew and it was time for her to go so she started saying she would out me and cause me more trouble than it was going to be worth to me for breaking it off with her.

Well long story short it backfired on her, she came down told all my neighbors under me and next door to me and went to the office even where i live and told the manager and maintenance people and just kept leaving nasty messages on my phone daily till i just got tired of it.

The neighbors could have cared less about me being a crossdresser as they know me for me now and it makes no difference, as far as the office i dont do anything illegal and they cannot throw me out. Well I had enough and called the police told them what was going on and told them that I was a crossdresser and he said so what and then listened to the tapes from the recorder and told her if she contacted me in any way she would go to jail. Seems like she was stalking me, harrassment and intemidation. Well it all worked out fine for me and she had to move herself since she imbarassed herself so much that the other neighbors wanted nothing to do with her.

So maybe you can tape her doing that and maybe use it back at her if things get out of control. Your doing nothing illegal. It could be her that gets the raw end of things, instead of you. Get out asap and live your life.

[Celeste]

Just tell her to go right ahead ,call her bluff,she will end up looking like a vindictive little witch grasping at straws trying to insult you,meanwhile you can just mention to folks "yea she was unhappy with our divorce settlement and decided to spread those crazy rumors.I'm assuming your definitely getting away from this evil person, fast.I'd have all the paperwork done by the time she gets any more bright ideas.

[Huntress]

Evil People deserve the "Whisper Chipper."

[pinkshelly]

time to "make a new plan stan" (or stannetta) " and get yourself free".:)

[windycissy]

What does she have on you? Any pictures, videos, etc? If not, it's her word against yours...the best way to deny her any leverage is to come out, but either way, get her out of your life.

[NatalieBliss]

People can suck. I think you have gotten better advice than I can give, but I hope all works out for you. :hugs:

[Stormgirl]

Truth is, its her word against yours and without proof, she sounds like a bitter SO.

Hunnie, I hate to break this to you, but people who love you DON'T blackmail you. People who use you do. I understand you love her and believe her to be your soulmate but if you think about it, are soulmates suppose to make you feel horrible for being honest?

Without knowing more I'm afraid the only advice you will get here is to move on and leave her to her manipulative ways.

Coming from a GG right here,her advice is sound and she is right. Your SO doesn't love you if she's attempting to blackmail you.

[sterling12]

A very cynical joke that I always remember: "What's the difference between love and herpes?" (Herpes is forever!)

Around here the usual wisdom is to always counsel, "honesty and tell all to your spouse." I have gone on record as seeing the issue as not so black and white. YOU have to decide if your going to share this information with your spouse. YOU have to decide if that person is trustworthy.

Right now, she's fishing. I suspect she is looking to see your reaction. If you refuse to "play the game" with her; truly mean it with an "I don't care" attitude; let us then see how she responds to that situation.

Face it, you probably screwed up cause' you trusted her. Now it's time to figure out what to do!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[AKAMichelle]

I have thought about how to respond to you for sometime now. I didn't want to post my first response because blackmail is very serious.

After thinking things through, I decided to tell you to be prepared for bad things to happen. Whatever her reason for making the threats, anybody who threatens is capable of causing more than enough trouble. I am getting a divorce right now and my wife made the threat to tell the kids and our families. I told her to go ahead. It would save me the trouble. Calling her bluff got her to shut up, but it convinced me even after 25 years of marriage she was the wrong one for me.

Friends don't blackmail someone else. Perhaps its time to re-examine your friends. Sounds like this one has become too costly. Unfortunately, this is all too common for people to try since we guard our secret so close. We let certain people in only to find out they were the wrong ones.

Good Luck to you. Just remember no matter what she does you will survive.

Michelle

[Nicole Erin]

Remind her of this -
She *could* tell everyone, but then what would she have to hold over your head?

[vivianann]

do not put up with her crap, move on and dont look back. If she trully loved you she would not threaten you like that, DD's advice says it all. I too was bullied by an ex like that, and I kicked her ass to the curb. and told everybody about my crossdressing, did not lose any friends over that.

[Jamie M]

I think more info is needed on this regarding your situation but in the absence of that i'll try and respond as best possible.

You've done the honourable thing and not hidden anything and been honest from day one so one could say that she's got no recourse in not liking who and what you are. Of course maybe she didn't quite understand what you were trying to tell her and whilst she thought in the beginning it was something she could cope with and even maybe change now she's coming to realise it's not. You've got nothing to be ashamed of in this , the problem would appear to be hers and not yours BUT heres the kicker. If you do love this women and you believe she loves you and you both want to make a go of this relationship some serious talking needs to be done right now before this situation gets any worse.

I'm trying to play devil's advocate on this one to give you some idea of how she may be feeling but to be honest i'm finding it very hard :strugglin:. As others have said , when someone behaves in this way towards someone they say they love , you have to question whether love really is there and where the future is for you both. If with frank and honest discussion she can explain why she's been making these threats you may be able to come to some understanding of what's been going on , however if this is not possible i'm afraid to say that the outlook appears to be pretty bleak for you both.

I'm sorry and i hope things get better but no-one who says they love you should ever make you feel ashmaed of who you are or threaten you with something that would work against you . Talk talk and then talk some more , but if nothing changes i'm afraid it's time to get the heck outta there and find someone who really does love you and not just says the words , big hugs for you and hope things get better soon :gh:

[Nikki K]

I'm with Julia whole-heartedly...
Your SO's threats could be manifested by her own inner turmoil. Whilst I wholly respect the advice of my sisters I am extremely (maybe naively) sensitive to the situation we place our SOs in. I haven't yet revealed my secret to my SO, although the time is getting close, and this alone is causing me serious anguish due to the lies and deceit. Like you I believe her to be my true love and soulmate so I'm extremely concerned about your situation both for you, and for me.
I hope it's not too late but an alternative approach may be to seek some professional help. I know my therapist would, and probably soon will, broker healthy discussion between us that will explore my SO's feeling, worries, concerns, and needs probably more than my own. I recently discovered the Tri-Ess Bill of Rights which, whilst I won't take them verbatim, provide some interesting pointers as to areas of concern that your SO may not have discussed or even consciously considered.
I truly hope that whichever path you choose to take you're able to get your life and relationships back on the rails.

Hugs,

Nikki

[deja true]

It seems a terrible turnabout of what happens with some wives, who say that when they find out about their men after years of hiding that they can never trust them (about anything) again because of the years of deceit.

Here you've been up front from the beginning with someone you trust, but now because of this vicious balckmail attempt, I don't see how you would ever be able to trust this one ever again. Making up now would always leave a doubt in your mind about her. Not a good basis for continuing this relationship

In my mind, there are no 'do overs' possible in such a situation. Would you ever forgive the mugger who put you in intensive care for months after brutalizing your body ? That's what this woman has done to your soul.

[Alana65]

Truth is, its her word against yours and without proof, she sounds like a bitter SO.

Hunnie, I hate to break this to you, but people who love you DON'T blackmail you. People who use you do. I understand you love her and believe her to be your soulmate but if you think about it, are soulmates suppose to make you feel horrible for being honest?

Without knowing more I'm afraid the only advice you will get here is to move on and leave her to her manipulative ways.


I think DD hit the nail on the head, Shawna. You've been honest with her from day one, and what does she do ? She does a "180" and tries to control your life through blackmail !! You need to distance yourself from her quickly and ASAP. Good luck hun. :hugs:

[Shawna13]

Thx all so much for your kind responses. I am grateful for such a resource.

[Sally2005]

Tell her how you feel. Say exactly what you said in your post. Maybe she doesn't understand what she did. The other thing, find out what it is she is scared about and make up a story that you tell her you will use...it doesn't have to be true or something you will really do, something she can see your point of view. for example, if she is also homophobic say...'go ahead and tell, I'll just say it was a one time thing to support your lesbian lifestyle or that you are in to S&M'.

[Emily Anderson]

My ex didn't bother with threatening me. She just told anybody and everybody we knew. Happily, nobody really cared about it.

[RitaCD]

My ex didn't bother with threatening me. She just told anybody and everybody we knew. Happily, nobody really cared about it.

Sounds like my ex, Emily. She told anyone that would listen, friends, family, neighbors, and you know they are still my friends, and family, and some great neighbors. It backfired on her.

[linnea]

Anyone who would seriously threaten blackmail does not deserve your love or friendship. Whether or not you decide to tell others to defuse her threats or stonewall and force her word against yours, she will end up the loser. In either case, you need to move on to a place where she is not present (or she needs to get out).
Best of luck.
By the way, it seems to me that blackmail may be a civil offense. Depending on how you want to handle things, you may want to seek an attorney's advice and assistance.

[Vivian Best]

There is a saying in sports, "the best defense is a good offense." It may be applicable in your case also. Good luck.

[Shannen]

Just remember that actions speak louder than words! If she was "aware" of you crossdressing, and accepted it in the past, then her actions show that she has now changed... not you.

If you are talking about blackmail in a legal sense, then she is stuck with her own previous tolerance... she will never be able to claim that she was unaccpeting if in fact she did accept your behaviour until now.

just my .02!

[Laura_Stephens]

There is a saying in sports, "the best defense is a good offense." It may be applicable in your case also. Good luck.

Actually, that quote is from Winston Churchill when he was speaking about war during WWI.

[jaina]

Actually, that quote is from Winston Churchill when he was speaking about war during WWI.

~sigh~
Clausewitz, Carl von 1780-1831

[adrienner99]

All of us can sit out here, away from your dilemma, and give you free advice. I feel for you terribly, and what you're going through should be a warning to all those of us who are not ready to share our secret with others.

Somehow, I have a feeling she is just screwing with you. Why I don't know, but it would not do much for her reputation to have it known she was intimate with a CD...

I'll pray for you.

Adrienne

[Bernadina]

I wonder if there is something else going on here and the CDing is just an excuse...?

[AKAMichelle]

I wanted to add my personal experience to this post.

Recently, my wife threatened to tell the kids about my crossdressing. We worked everything out and all seemed well. But with all divorces things can go bad from time to time. This was one of those times. Because I did something that she didn't like she threatened all over again. I can never trust her not to tell the kids.

Frankly, I would be kinda of relieved if she did. Then no more secrets. At this point in my life that would be so liberating.

Michelle

[Elizabeth2-]

Significant dialog with the help of a trained therapist, who is able to be neutral and detached.

Remeber, a repaired relationship is better than a broken one anytime.

Praying for you. lol.:)