jennCD
05-25-2008, 11:06 PM
Apologies for the length of this rambling, scatterbrained post and any typos therein.
Most of you don't know me much except for either the generally lighthearted posts about my conversations with my wife where topics may have strayed into the realm of the TransWorld or my seemingly trivial and upbeat responses to some of your posts. My perception of myself has changed greatly since I joined here almost a year ago,... and so has my wife's perception of me. I have to apologize now for my fairly naive perception of my situation during this time.
When I first joined this Forum, I was amazed at how welcome I felt. That's not something I'm used to really, when dealing with my TG history, since I'd never "come out" before this. You all were my Opening Night Audience and I will admit I felt very At Home here.
Shortly thereafter, with the encouragement of many (and the prodding of some), I found the strength to tell my wife. Of course our initial conversation included many of the staples of our lifestyle: "Are you gay?" "Do you want to be a woman?" "Why are you telling me this now?" "I have to wonder what else you've lied to me about!" and so on. There were then a few days of uncomfortable silence, as she was using this time to let things sink in an mull over her true feelings.
I'll admit, after that point, once we began speaking on the topic again, I felt very at ease. It appeared she had more questions and I was happy to be open and honest and answer anything she threw at me. Slowly I explored my limited freedom. I moved my "stash" into the home, in fact, I easily filled my unused dresser drawers with my meager wardrobe and little by little, began to expand it.
I dabbled more with makeup and photography, which I hadn't done since I was 20. I learned it wasn't too hard making myself look acceptable (at least to myself) with simple care of the proper angles, lighting and cropping and eventually progressed from being a member who only posted a photo of lips, legs or just about anything other than my face, to one who has offered close up images of my silly, old mug.
I've spent the last 11 months slowly feeling that I can just "be myself" here at home (and in my mind) to a certain degree. In short, I became quite comfortable with myself and where I had grown to, in a way I'd never felt before, and thought that this had been seen as acceptable here, with my wife.
Sadly, I was mistaken.
Last weekend, I crossed the unspoken boundaries that she had set for me by shaving my legs. Oddly, (as a previous post mentioned) it took her 4 days to notice. Well, when she did, it wasn't a positive reaction at all,... not even a neutral one. "I'm freaked out over this. You're becoming more and more feminine when I've always wanted you to be more masculine." she said. "I'm not sure how far you're going to go with this." This was somewhat surprising when placed within the context of our occasional chats about TG-related things).
I understand her "shock" in that she's never wanted to see the "Jenn" side of me, whether in real life or photos and that was fine by me. It's always been a personal thing and sharing it with her verbally was tough enough.
Yet, I was somewhat surprised at her insistence of wanting a more of a "manly man" for a number of reasons. Among them is that I'd always shaved my chest. She's obviously aware of this since she's usually around when I do it. My hair has always been very long, and not at all masculine. I'm not the macho-type, have never been into sports, cars, strip joints, hanging with the guys. I like staying home and keeping it tidy. I gladly do much of the housework, laundry, dishes and if I were any good at it, I'd probably cook more often as well. I've always been consistent in establishing the notion that I'm "just not your average guy" and no one I've met would disagree. This was who I was when she knew me as just a friend as well as when she fell in love with me.
But ridding myself of leg hair was, within her comfort zone, not acceptable. Initially I thought "Whew, good thing I didn't decide to pierce my ears or something".
Now, maybe I make this sound much more serious than many of you would take it as, but over the last few days, looking over our interactions of the last year, I've come to the realization that here I was, touting the benefits of coming clean to one's spouse about our "secrets" because it's all good and 'look at me, it's worked out great', when in actuality, my wife was much less accepting than I wanted to believe.
I can see now that it was a survival tactic that she installed in order to distance herself from the truth about me. I sense that our lighthearted banter was really less of a 'wink and a nod' and more of a mild case of 'laughing at my expense'; a way of making it a bit of a joke to her and in a sense, it's not actually real or anyway serious.
It was far from a 'fight', nowhere near a 'heated argument' and not even what most would consider a 'bitter exchange', and yet it was just as powerful a position to know where she really stands.
It was my turn to take some time to mull over my true feelings about this exchange. In the last few days, I realized I'd never felt as good about myself as being a "whole" person as I had after joining this Forum; I do thank you all so much for that.
I also know that hindsight is always 20/20 and the reality is, within the grand scheme of the life I'd made for myself up until last year, telling my wife all about "me" was a mistake.
There are huge differences between acceptance and tolerance and disinterest and avoidance... a world of difference. And as closeted members of the transworld, we really cannot be sure of which world we live in.
All things considered, I've not lost much by tell her, unless I choose to measure it by the level of understanding we do/do not share at this point.
My hair is now shorter than it's been since I was in the 7th grade; a knee-jerk response to "wanting a more masculine husband", which strangely enough, did not please her since she thought my hair being down to my armpits "was the best I'd looked". Go figure... Heck, I've never been able to figure myself out gender-wise, what made me think I could figure her out! LOL
I've now started the process of closing off the connections in my head that I built over the last few months that allowed me to feel as if it was entirely possible for that previously hidden part of myself to be accepted in my normal, semi-daily life.
So in closing, I just wanted to thank you all once again. I'm not looking to get all sappy and say goodbye or anything like that. I know I'll still be stopping by, probably daily :) but I don't expect to be updating my profile with pictures of a "baldie" Jenn, and considering I've packed up all my femme items and put them back in storage, photos are not something I can consider for now with only my drab stuff at hand.
I may not be a very active member in the coming months but then again, less than 300 posts in the last year doesn't even come close to many of you. Jenn wasn't really more than a bit player I guess.
... but then again, that's only one's perception of Jenn here. We all see each other differently.
Hey, who knows,.. things might suddenly, and for no apparent reason, turn back around for me and I might have a second coming of sorts. I don't expect it tho, but you never know. If so, I may just have to change my name to PhoenixCD or something :)
In any case, you guys and girls rock!
And don't ever change... unless it's for the better!
:)
jenn
Most of you don't know me much except for either the generally lighthearted posts about my conversations with my wife where topics may have strayed into the realm of the TransWorld or my seemingly trivial and upbeat responses to some of your posts. My perception of myself has changed greatly since I joined here almost a year ago,... and so has my wife's perception of me. I have to apologize now for my fairly naive perception of my situation during this time.
When I first joined this Forum, I was amazed at how welcome I felt. That's not something I'm used to really, when dealing with my TG history, since I'd never "come out" before this. You all were my Opening Night Audience and I will admit I felt very At Home here.
Shortly thereafter, with the encouragement of many (and the prodding of some), I found the strength to tell my wife. Of course our initial conversation included many of the staples of our lifestyle: "Are you gay?" "Do you want to be a woman?" "Why are you telling me this now?" "I have to wonder what else you've lied to me about!" and so on. There were then a few days of uncomfortable silence, as she was using this time to let things sink in an mull over her true feelings.
I'll admit, after that point, once we began speaking on the topic again, I felt very at ease. It appeared she had more questions and I was happy to be open and honest and answer anything she threw at me. Slowly I explored my limited freedom. I moved my "stash" into the home, in fact, I easily filled my unused dresser drawers with my meager wardrobe and little by little, began to expand it.
I dabbled more with makeup and photography, which I hadn't done since I was 20. I learned it wasn't too hard making myself look acceptable (at least to myself) with simple care of the proper angles, lighting and cropping and eventually progressed from being a member who only posted a photo of lips, legs or just about anything other than my face, to one who has offered close up images of my silly, old mug.
I've spent the last 11 months slowly feeling that I can just "be myself" here at home (and in my mind) to a certain degree. In short, I became quite comfortable with myself and where I had grown to, in a way I'd never felt before, and thought that this had been seen as acceptable here, with my wife.
Sadly, I was mistaken.
Last weekend, I crossed the unspoken boundaries that she had set for me by shaving my legs. Oddly, (as a previous post mentioned) it took her 4 days to notice. Well, when she did, it wasn't a positive reaction at all,... not even a neutral one. "I'm freaked out over this. You're becoming more and more feminine when I've always wanted you to be more masculine." she said. "I'm not sure how far you're going to go with this." This was somewhat surprising when placed within the context of our occasional chats about TG-related things).
I understand her "shock" in that she's never wanted to see the "Jenn" side of me, whether in real life or photos and that was fine by me. It's always been a personal thing and sharing it with her verbally was tough enough.
Yet, I was somewhat surprised at her insistence of wanting a more of a "manly man" for a number of reasons. Among them is that I'd always shaved my chest. She's obviously aware of this since she's usually around when I do it. My hair has always been very long, and not at all masculine. I'm not the macho-type, have never been into sports, cars, strip joints, hanging with the guys. I like staying home and keeping it tidy. I gladly do much of the housework, laundry, dishes and if I were any good at it, I'd probably cook more often as well. I've always been consistent in establishing the notion that I'm "just not your average guy" and no one I've met would disagree. This was who I was when she knew me as just a friend as well as when she fell in love with me.
But ridding myself of leg hair was, within her comfort zone, not acceptable. Initially I thought "Whew, good thing I didn't decide to pierce my ears or something".
Now, maybe I make this sound much more serious than many of you would take it as, but over the last few days, looking over our interactions of the last year, I've come to the realization that here I was, touting the benefits of coming clean to one's spouse about our "secrets" because it's all good and 'look at me, it's worked out great', when in actuality, my wife was much less accepting than I wanted to believe.
I can see now that it was a survival tactic that she installed in order to distance herself from the truth about me. I sense that our lighthearted banter was really less of a 'wink and a nod' and more of a mild case of 'laughing at my expense'; a way of making it a bit of a joke to her and in a sense, it's not actually real or anyway serious.
It was far from a 'fight', nowhere near a 'heated argument' and not even what most would consider a 'bitter exchange', and yet it was just as powerful a position to know where she really stands.
It was my turn to take some time to mull over my true feelings about this exchange. In the last few days, I realized I'd never felt as good about myself as being a "whole" person as I had after joining this Forum; I do thank you all so much for that.
I also know that hindsight is always 20/20 and the reality is, within the grand scheme of the life I'd made for myself up until last year, telling my wife all about "me" was a mistake.
There are huge differences between acceptance and tolerance and disinterest and avoidance... a world of difference. And as closeted members of the transworld, we really cannot be sure of which world we live in.
All things considered, I've not lost much by tell her, unless I choose to measure it by the level of understanding we do/do not share at this point.
My hair is now shorter than it's been since I was in the 7th grade; a knee-jerk response to "wanting a more masculine husband", which strangely enough, did not please her since she thought my hair being down to my armpits "was the best I'd looked". Go figure... Heck, I've never been able to figure myself out gender-wise, what made me think I could figure her out! LOL
I've now started the process of closing off the connections in my head that I built over the last few months that allowed me to feel as if it was entirely possible for that previously hidden part of myself to be accepted in my normal, semi-daily life.
So in closing, I just wanted to thank you all once again. I'm not looking to get all sappy and say goodbye or anything like that. I know I'll still be stopping by, probably daily :) but I don't expect to be updating my profile with pictures of a "baldie" Jenn, and considering I've packed up all my femme items and put them back in storage, photos are not something I can consider for now with only my drab stuff at hand.
I may not be a very active member in the coming months but then again, less than 300 posts in the last year doesn't even come close to many of you. Jenn wasn't really more than a bit player I guess.
... but then again, that's only one's perception of Jenn here. We all see each other differently.
Hey, who knows,.. things might suddenly, and for no apparent reason, turn back around for me and I might have a second coming of sorts. I don't expect it tho, but you never know. If so, I may just have to change my name to PhoenixCD or something :)
In any case, you guys and girls rock!
And don't ever change... unless it's for the better!
:)
jenn