Everyone says "do what you have to do" but it's not easy

[dianarg]

Hi, I know I haven't posted anything in a *while*, the reason being college, my wedding, and mainly my t-feelings. You see, I've always wanted to be a girl, I love girly stuff, and I fantasize all the time about starting a new life where I can be me (as a matter of fact I purged all my girly stuff once more). I married about 3 months ago. My wife knew about my CDing and the fact that I wanted to be a woman, but I told her the feelings were gone (I was trying to stop them) for some reason I thought I could get rid of them for I felt they were not natural, i wanted to make the GUY work out, a normal happy life.
Every day drags, always the same thing. I go to my computer and I look at my photos and I like me as a girl, I want to be a girl, but realistically, the question is how. I've hurt everyone I know because of this. My moods affect the people I love, and I can take it anymore. If I make them happy being the husband-son-brother-engineering student with a bright future I am just torturing myself. It's so hard.
I'm considering about quitting college and starting a career as a cosmetologist, perhaps then I could slowly transition in a place where girly guys are welcome. How do you do it?
- Edit - Btw a little background. I'm 26 yo and i work delivering pizzas.

[Jamie S.]

I feel your pain. I'm not married, but I know how awful it feels to know that you're not who you're supposed to be and still try to keep this front to make the people in your life happy. I'm still trying to work things out myself and I wish you the best, although there's not much advice to give since you've already gotten married.

The only thing I can tell you is what I'm sure the others will as well. Be who you know you are inside. From the looks of your avatar, you would make a beautiful woman if you did choose to transition. Waiting can be a terrible thing for transexuals. I've read too many stories of people who waited until their 40's or 50's to transition, and by then it usually a much more expensive process and you would likely have children (which is a good thing, but you risk so much emotionally if they reject you) and a career.

Then again, someone else might have better advice. All I know is I've lived 23 like this, and I would rather get fed into a woodchipper feet first than live another 23 years as a lie.

-jamie

[Linda Z]

it dose not need to be all or nothing.
Some of us get it all, Engineering, family and skirts.
Its not easy, but it works.

In any case you need to be honest in how you feel. find a balance that fits you. if you want the husband-son-brother-engineering student then do it, we all need to do something, just do it YOUR way.
People need to understand where you are, so let them know, they might come to understand, they might not.
its your life.
have fun!

Good luck! Linda Z

[Amy Hepker]

You can fight your inner self, but you will not be truly happy until you give into yourself.

[Chari]

Always be comfortable in who you are and who you want to be! Life is a matter of choices and trade offs, but it is YOUR life to do what you desire. Some more mature members here will tell you the "feeling never goes away - no matter what"! Be cautious too as to whom you tell about your "needs", as sometimes your honesty can turn on you to become another burden. We are here to help - if we can.

Enjoy life, Chari

[Sally2005]

Because you mentioned it, I assume you think you should do something more than delivering pizzas... do the school! No matter what it is, if you have a desire to learn you will succeed.

[AmandaM]

No matter what happens in your life, you always need a job. Don't quit the route that can give you the funds to complete a transition. Also, just because you identify as TS, like I do, doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. It's not an all or nothing proposition. Baby steps.

[melissaK]

Di, I understand your pain. Hmmm. What meaningful 2 cents can I add.

Its good to come here and rant or vent or share, but we have ups and downs and on down days getting by can be a day at a time thing.

When a good day comes around, and it will, you need to decide about a longer range plan for making changes in your life. As you have heard and read, and from what you have experienced and what you feel now, the gender change feelings won't lessen with time, they will just get worse. And in engineer speak, they seem to run directly proportional to degree of denial and repression.

What you may plan on a good day will be up to you. A little or a lot of change. You can find stories on the boards of girls who have done every degree of change.

From your comments, you seem to have some guilt issues about pleasing parents, and such, so some counselling might help you with the dynamics of that.

And you have some issues about aspiring to a "normal life." I'd suggest 'normal' is a poor adjective to describe creatures each with unique dna (seriously ever watch CSI? - they catch everybody with unique dna prints). Author Neil Gaiman wrote some words that I thought got to the heart of it - "You get what everyone gets; you get a lifetime." Beyond that, we are all different.

I also second Amanda's comments about keeping a job track going until you chart a sensisble career change as well. Aside from a few truly wealthy heirs, we all need to support ourselves whether we are making changes in our life or not.

School and relationships are taxing enough, throw in some gender issues and you must feel like its the straw that's breaking your camel's back. If you feel like you are cast in a role to be someone other than yourself, such as the good student for mom and dad, the guy for your wife; keep in mind "you" are writing the script of your life - not them.

Finding the gumption to engage in a gender bending lifestyle and overcome the moral stigma you feel it has, will take courage on your part. But, like many things, our fears about change are often ill founded.

hugs,
'lissa

[GypsyKaren]

You're young and have your whole life before you to make of it as you please. Only you can decide which road to take and how much you're willing to pay to do that, and it is a tough decision, all life choices are. I doubt you want to make a career out of delivering pizzas, you really should consider going back to school.

Transitioning is a big step, and has been mentioned it's not something you have to do, there are no rules that must be followed. All you can do is find a way that gives you peace and stick with it, I have found that things have a way of working themselves out in the end if you let them...just follow your heart.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kimberley]

Diana, No one can tell you what you have to do. You already know in your deepest self. If you deny that person at the core you are truly setting yourself up for much larger problems down the road. That is something you can take to the bank.

Too many of us made the same mistakes that you have already stated; career, marriage, family and all that goes with life in suburbia. Then one day all hell lets loose and you are driven to transition. There is no avoiding this if you are TS. It might be tomorrow or in ten years; there is no timeframe for this one. Like me, you might be able to push that aside, once, maybe twice but in the end you will pay one hell of a price for doing that. In the end a lot of other lives will be affected and they wont all be positive. Relationships will get ripped to shreds and maybe some new ones will form. You might be extremely lucky and hold on to your marriage but that is a remote possibility.

You are young yet. The decisions you make today have serious ramifications down the road. Consider those. Read the stories of heartache on this and other forums. That is what you could be setting yourself up for.

You cant live your life for others, only invite them to share it. The question is what and who do you want them to share.

Good luck hon.
:hugs:
Kimberley