OMG: What have I done? (Told my SO Last Night)

[Nikki K]

I've been back in therapy for a few weeks now and after last night's session my SO and I were discussing the progress. I have kept my TG issues from her for the 20+ years we've been together and until last Friday had never discuss this with anyone. The deceit has been killing me for years and I believe it's been a major component of my depression; plus, since my last two therapy sessions were exclusively devoted to this subject I've been unable to convincingly relate the sessions to her.
Well, last night I could take it no more and told her. She was absolutely devastated and distraught; she had no clue (although I had convinced myself she already knew). I made the huge mistake of inadequately planning the reveal. A situation worsened that we have a house-guest too. Plus, I found that when the time came I couldn't find adequate words to sensitively describe my feelings.

The one person that I truly love and care for I have now successfully alienated. She's reluctantly gone out to meet her girlfriends (pre-scheduled) which is why I'm able to write this post.

She describes her life has being "turned upside down"; that it all the time we've been worrying about my mental health she had never expected "this"; that "how could I do this to her at a time when we can't talk about it properly (extremely fair point and one of which I deeply, deeply, regret) As she quite rightly pointed out; "I've been keeping this secret for forty years, another few days wouldn't have made any difference."

My therapist warned me to "take my time; don't rush this; you will need to have lots of answers since she will have lots of questions". I got lulled into a false sense of security by our open and frank discussions around my therapy and progress and mistook this for an opportunity to deal with what I believe to be the root cause. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

We have been through some tough times in the past but I'm truly not sure where she's going to land on this one. She is simply unable to comprehend the turmoil that exists in my soul and I'm quite unable to articulate it in a way that offers any kind of answer. I have exhaustively re-assured her that my love for her is as strong as ever and that, unless she wants it, nothing is going to change in the way I feel about her.

She feel that our marriage is a "sham" which is not true; my feelings for her are genuine and strong but my inner confusion and conflict has manifested itself into a debilitating depression.

If any of you can point me at any resources and information that will help me resolve this dreadful mess I've gotten myself into I would be eternally grateful.

I more than realise that I've bought this upon myself by my recklessness and thoughtlessness. Now I must focus on reconciliation based largely on finding a way to accurately, yet sensitively, describe my inner conflict in a way she can understand. It would appear as a straight and true GG she is completely unable to grasp the basic concept of TG/CD and hence we're currently at an impasse.

Very depressed,

Nikki

[karynspanties]

Why would you do that when you have a house guest? Very bad timing on your part. All the best. Good luck.

[Sedona]

It is easy to get lulled into a false sense of security, I agree. What's said has been said, don't dwell on it, just go really slowly, give her lots of space, answer all her questions, and good luck! Book another appointment with your therapist, pronto, and, might not hurt to have a backup plan for sleeping arrangements for a little while.

Good Luck sister, I'm rooting for your relationship!


Keep us posted as you see fit.

[Nikki K]

Yep: I deserved that.

[Sandra]

First it may seem bad now but hopefully things will get better, your wife has just had the bottom knocked out of her world, she has just found out that the man she married, someone who she thought trusted her enough to tell her everything, has been keeping something from her for all this time.

If she will talk to her listen to what she has to say, but also just ask her to listen to you as well, tell her your feelings and worries but make sure you do listen to her as well.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Okay, so you didn't do it perfectly......now quietly decide how you should have done it and try it a second time. What's done is done.


Emily Ann

[MJ]

Well the damage has been done my friend . the best you can do is get some information for her . and most important of all keep reassuring her how much you do love her . you need to talk about the issues when they come up .
please don't stop communications that could make thing worse .
I wish you all the best
:hugs:

[CandyDarling]

First - I am so sorry that you have to go through this this way. Second - there is never a perfect time. Third - Don't Panic. Really ! Do not let this make you too crazy - there is nothing you can do but wait. Use this forum as a resource. Write your feelings down - we all have stories like this.
Personally my SO found a pic of me en femme on the computer. It took months just to get back to level. It is hard but - you will feel freer from this I am sure.

Also - be careful of the "Pink Cloud" although it may be the last thing on your mind - I thnk we often find in the new freedom, a desire to be more expressive and to act more feminine in a big rush. Keep yourself in check and be patient. My best wishes.

[Michelle 51]

Well no going back but it very well could work out for the best

[DanaR]

This might be a good time to go back to your therapist and listen to her/him. Your wife has stood by you for all of these years and tried to understand what you have been going through and now realizes that it is different than what she thought. It will probably take a while for her to sort this out, so you will need to patient and understanding of her as well.

[TerriM]

I told my wife over 25yrs ago after 10 yrs of marriage. Shock is putting it mildly of the way she felt. We are still together and happy. Just keep talking and go slow

[leslie ann]

BRING HER HERE let her read your post??theres no good answers and tell her how scared you were/ are and how much you need and love her and go slow best wishes to ya both

[stacie]

Hi Nikki
I strongly suggest you find a support group with girls who have been through this. It helps to talk face to face with other girls who have been through what you are going through. I told my wife I was going to transition and that was the end of our marriage, Most marriages do end over transitioning so if this is what you plan on doing you won't be the only one who has a marriage end.

[JoAnnDallas]

I can understand some about your wife's reaction. I told my wife over a year ago that I am a CDer. She too did not take it well at the time. She even refused to talk about it for a long time too. It was pnly a little over a month ago that we made a breakthru. She saw me fully dressed for the first time and we sat at the kitchen table an talked for a few hours, with me fully dressed too. She has sense decided to accept my CDing. It has made all the difference in our relationship. She still asks me questions, which I answer as truthful as possible. Some questions I don't really have an answer for and tell her so. She has now even gone shopping with me for fem items.
Right now she is in shock about all of it. Give her some time and when she starts in on the questions, answer as truthfully as possible. Try and think of all the questions she my ask and go over in your mind the answer. Now that the cat is out of the bag, communications is now key to you and your wife coming to a solution. Don't be afraid if it is not totally what you want. You can always talk later and work them out.

[Shelly67]

I can only give you limited advice as I don't know either of you or the situation you must both be living in , but , now you,ve got to be totally honest. Firstly ask her to read the start of this thread . perhaps that will start the ball rolling....but be ready ......
You're wife I assume feels betrayed by the decietfulness on you're part , be it a good reason to keep the real you hidden away or not . It was a long time . Perhaps you can discover at least one common factor in these dark times . There will probably be tears , pain , confusion , but the only real way to deal with the situation is communicate. Try to understand her feelings , I bet she feels useless and untrustworthy . You've got to talk . More importantly you've got to listen. Try to gain the trust back . I would certainy advise perhaps trying to brigde these painful times chatting in a neutral enviroment . Just the two of you or at least a third party of both you're choice, perhaps a marriage councellor will certainly be of use .
I wish you all the luck in the world , but please just don't give up .........you,ve been together too long for a lawyer to be the only winner......
Good luck to you both xx

[Jessicainme]

I don't have much to say, but good luck and I hope that all turns out well for you and your wife

Jessica

[StephanieH]

:2c:Your post here, telling all of us how you feel about this wonderful woman and realizing how you messed up a bit speaks volumes about how you feel about her. Show it to her. You've admitted to the world that you messed up and are desperate to set things right. If that doesn't mean something to her, I don't know what else would.

Honesty is paramount in a relationship. From here forward, be honest. She'll appreciate that and you just might earn back that trust your looking for.

Let there be NO MORE secrets, ever, and if your relationship is solid, it will survive. From your post, it's obvious you love this woman, allow her to see how much you love her and what you're willing to do to set things right. :hugs:

Take care and God bless. :hugs:

[KrazyKat]

:love:Wishing you the best. I understand what happened, it kind of happened like that for us. You will need to find a lot of patience, because your SO is going to have her heels dug in now. The most important thing, IMHO, is not to lie to her again if she asks. Like, telling her you are just a CD when you know that's not true. If you are honest, she will be able to see this, and maybe, after a long time, begin to forgive and trust.
Wishing you and yours all the best.:hugs:

[Tree GG]

Seems to me an affectionate hug and an "I love you" is all that is needed right now. Let the rest go for awhile.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear of your situation at the moment as i can see that you were in an awkward situation as 20 years ago there where no sites like this telling you what you should do , and i am not qualified to give you any ad vice, but the only thing that i can say is , i was in a similar situation as you about 15years ago and now my wife is my greatest and only supporter of me so do not despair yet as things can turn around quicker than you think , give her chance to figure things out .
all the best




joanne

[Sedona]

Nikki,

If your wife wants to come here, on this board, great! But, if not, respect that. After I told my SO a couple of years ago, I asked her to come here, and she refused. She said simply, "I don't care about anybody else's crossdressing, I care about YOUR crossdressing." We worked through the issues, and are engaged to be married.

[DonnaT]

There might be some things on this site to help you both: http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

[ReineD]

She is simply unable to comprehend the turmoil that exists in my soul and I'm quite unable to articulate it in a way that offers any kind of answer. I have exhaustively re-assured her that my love for her is as strong as ever and that, unless she wants it, nothing is going to change in the way I feel about her.


Would it help if you let it be for a few days and journal your thoughts and feelings about your inner turmoil and your own process towards self-acceptance? Doing this might help you better explain your journey to your wife when she is ready to talk. Then she may be able to move beyond her own pain if she gains a better understanding of yours.
:hugs:

[ptp009]

Nikki,

You've brought out the secret and now you must work on the education. The shock for your wife is expected and I think after she spends a little time checking this out herself she will be ready to sit down and talk. Seeing as you have a threpist is ther anyway she could sit down with you and them so she can be heard. Wish you the best.
Jenn

[TxKimberly]

The thing that strikes me is how your post makes it clear you feel you have done all the wrong things and this is all your fault. I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for your actions but in this case I think you may be being a bit harsh on yourself.
OK, so maybe you could have waited for your house guest to leave, but you know what - you can't govern where your feelings take you and what they require of you.
As for the rest, I think you have done a decent and Honorable thing to be honest with her. Yes, she is upset, but surely you didn't expect her to be delighted and invite you on a girls night out? She has just found out there has been a huge secret between you two for 20 years, and found out that you have tendencies that most people find "weird". You need to give her a little time to digest. Once the shock has worn off, things my level off and even improve.
Come what may, the one thing I don't think you should be beating yourself up about is that you have been honest with your wife, the woman you love.

I hope so very much that things will work out well for you.
Kim

[whitelace]

Hi folks
I Think we all somehow understand the pain and trauma you both are experiencing and we all wish you the best possible outcome. It's very evident that you love her very much and she has stood by you during your therapy.
:hugs:
The shock of you telling and her learning will diminish day by day I guarantee it . just a suggestion .... initially agree to only focus on this problem with her a total of one hour a day ....while there maybe an ocean of questions there may not be liquid answers .... we are all here to help you both through this little bump in the road
best of luck to both of you ....lacie:hugs:

[Sheila]

If any of you can point me at any resources and information that will help me resolve this dreadful mess I've gotten myself into I would be eternally grateful.Nikki

Hun 20 + years of marriage (am assuming here that it has been a good one), is one of the best resources you have ........... give her time to digest this world shattering revelation, give her lots of reassurance that you love her and that is not going to alter.

If she needs someone to talk to there are many GG's on here who would willingly email with her ( I am one of em) ... just send us a pm to ask .......... or if you can show her this site and tell her we have a GG section that is private it may help ....... but give her time first of all

Good luck :hugs:Jess

[noeleena]

hi..Nikki. well we did that 11 years ago now we would have been married 35 years i am a transfemale . a women i told jos first that i was a women inside . yea that went just like a bomb. ill put it this way its like i pulled the rug out from under jos she hit the deck . i then ..tryed.. to help her up &i could not do it because i . was not a man i was & am a women . i did not have the strength to help her . so i lost her . over 11 years we have got on as two women yes like you i love jos dearly . not as a male . a man or a husband how can i . the lie . jos accepts me yet has lost me & every thing that i was so yes its damm hard &. for our family . we are intack just . yet i still may lose this . i know i am growing as a women . yet how do we grow to gether now. may be not as i see it i have lost my mate my girl. my women.yet in all of this i am able to be just me not the male i was told i was . i have gained . yet i have lost thats some thing we have to go through. at 50 i knew i would live the rest of my life being me a women . take you time . i think as a women so i know how your so will think the same way i would . betrayed . dont think as a male think as your s o would . damm hard to put it mildly . she has lost every thing. after 11 years & its not done yet for jos, & me. i hope this helps ....noeleena....

[Michelle (Oz)]

Nikki

This is from someone who still battles daily for inspiration in balancing my journey with my wife's attitude 2 1/2 years after talking of my interests in dressing. After 20+ years of marriage you have a very good chance of getting through this but it is likely never to be over.

As Randi suggested, show her your post. There can be no more genuine expression of your feelings than your post. Give her time and don't force a conversation on her. Read as much as you can in preparation for any chance you get in her timeframe to talk.
I found two Rachel Miller articles helpful, more for understanding and accepting myself which is hugely important in having others accept you. Google "Femme Mirror".

One trap to avoid is taking the blame for the situation. Sure the timing might not have been ideal but you have been protecting her from who you are for a very long time carrying the burden by yourself. You are not at fault. You are who you are.

Maintain a positive attitude and while being patient don't be defensive.

Michelle (Oz)

[Nikki K]

I wish to thank every single one of you for your wonderful support and sound advice.
We're going to be OK.There's been a lot of late night talking (since we can't talk during the day due to our house-guest) and the shock is slowly starting to recede.
At first her reaction was one of anger that this 'woman' had taken her husband from her. She felt as though I was having an affair. She felt inadequate; pained that her love and everything she had done for me was not enough.
She felt cheated and betrayed.
Slowly she's coming to realise that I do truly love her; from the bottom of my heart, and that my love is genuine and sincere.
Right now she can't get past the mental picture of me dressed; the image is to absurd for words. (I can wholly understand this since even I can't look at myself in the mirror - I'm 6'2" and 220lbs, hardly the elegant figure I feel .
This is going to take a long time to come to terms with. We are a partnership, two hearts beating as one. We will find an acceptable basis upon which to continue to grow our relationship. I'm not sure what that's going to look like just yet.
There's much speculation right now that my TG is a product of childhood trauma; having been abandoned by both parents (my mother at age 4 and my father at 16) it would appear I have something of an identity crisis and Nikki is one manifestation of that.

I'm starting to ramble so I'll finish by saying, once more, how eternally grateful I am to each and every one of you for your support and advice; thank you.

Nikki.

Part of the pain and shock is that we have always been able talk and communicate; the strength of our marriage is truly built upon this basic concept, one where so many marriages fail.
However, because we've always talked this secret has been all the more painful; painful to me for whilst keeping it and extremely painful to her once revealed.

We are talking though; lots! As a result we are going to get through this.

[Nikki K]

Reine, you are so right.
First we were talking about the shock and anger that she felt but now we're talking about our inner feelings, the root cause, coping mechanism, my inner pain and coping methods.
I'm doing a lot of listening and answering; fortunately I'm a good listener so know when to shut up.

Last night she gave me a precious gift; two intertwined hearts etched on glass with the inscription "Two hearts beating as one". I was so touched I couldn't control my emotions and we held each tight for what seemed like hours.

This has been, without doubt, the most painful experience in our 23 years together but I'm sure we're going to be able to work it out.

Nikki

[Nikki K]

I'm giving her lots of time and letting her set the pace. I have vowed to answer any question honestly and not to elaborate unless she asks me too. In this way we able to control the amount of information she has to digest at any given time.

BTW: I love your signature; that is so, so true. "...The beauty of a woman is in her being"

[Farrah]

Nikki, It will be okay in time. The initial shock to news like that is always devastating. I say give her some time to wrap her mind around it and then you can talk about. Maybe by then you'll be ready. Take notes and have them with you when you talk, that way she'll know you're sincere. Best of luck to you

[Maria2222]

You picked a horrible time, but you can't change that now. Your wife is going to need some time to adjust. You need to convince her that you love her and need her, that you are going to continue as her husband, that your marriage is genuine and not a sham, and that you are not going to transition and leave her(I assume you aren't planning to). Encourage her to do some independent research on the internet. Also, you need to convince her that being a CD is something that is inborn in you and not something you chose to do. I think that these last two things are what convinced my wife. I am very lucky that she maintained an open mind. Hopefully your wife will too. Time helps heal the wounds, but it may take a very long time. Also, you have to be very careful how much Nikki intrudes into your married life. Sometimes it works best as a don't ask, don't tell type of situation. The last thing you want is to force your CD self onto your wife in real time.
There are many support groups on the internet for SO's. "A crossdresser's secret garden" in Yahoo groups was started specifically for SO's.
Good luck to both you and your wife during this very difficult time.
Maria

[Paularus85]

Another great thread on the subject I have just begun to learn about. Thank you all for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings it is helping more than just the person who posted the tread.

[Nikki K]

Hi all,

It's been a tough, harrowing, and remarkable two weeks since I broke the news to my SO. As a courtesy to all of you who were so helpful to me at that very difficult time I'm posting this update in case of it's of value to others in the future.

We've been through just about every emotion know to mankind; shame, anger, humiliation, and love.

The initial shock was devastating; she had absolutely no idea and the fact that I had been able to hide it so effectively for over 20 years was seen as a huge betrayal. I fully understand that and in fact this was the primary cause of my pain. We have a completely open relationship in every other respect; we share everything, good and bad. Except this.

Her immediate reaction was that Nikki has stolen her husband and replaced him with a girlfriend she didn't need and didn't want. She was disgusted, heartbroken, distraught, and scared.

You may recall that I made the mistake of telling her whilst we had a house guest; whilst at the time this was considered a serious faux pas she has since told me that this probably saved us. Having a guest meant that she could not become completely absorbed and obsessed by the news and that she simply had to forget about it during the day for the benefit of our guest. Clearly this was traumatic and meant that we only had bedtime to talk resulting in much whispering and suppressed crying. What it also meant was that there was time to think; time to reflect; time to come to terms with the news; and time to heal the initial gaping wound.

Over these last two weeks we have been as far apart as two people could possibly be and have since come together to be closer than ever. She still doesn't like the idea of me being any less a man. Her image of me is every macho dream; to be the strong, dominant, protective provider of financial and emotional security. She said of my desire to dress as being a "parody of a woman" that "how can a 6'2", 225lb, male with hands like dinner plates and huge feet ever pass as a woman". She has a point.

Interestingly, ever since I told her I have had few truly feminine feelings and no desire to dress. I don't believe this is a permanent state, however, and whilst hopeful I don't think my SO believes that either. For now, however, she's happy that I'm not planning on any shopping trips and girls nights out. We still have to work out what this means for the both of us in the long term but the progress has been absolutely amazing.

I have been suffering from chronic depression for many years; it's not clear yet whether Nikki is a cause or an effect of that condition. For now I feel calmer, more secure, and my conscience has been cleansed by the fact that I'm no longer harbouring a 'sordid' secret and I'm no longer being deceitful to the one person I truly love.

I tip my hat to my SO; she is one truly amazing lady.

Nikki

[TxKimberly]

Nikki,
I am SO happy to hear that things have leveled off for you and perhaps even started to improve. It is a heck of a bombshell to drop and I'm sure it would take any woman a while to come to terms with the concept, and it sounds like maybe your wife is doing just that.
Lottsa hugs from Texas,
Kim

[Michelle (Oz)]

Nikki

I am delighted that life at home is on the improve. You have experienced the first two weeks of the roller coaster of a ride you are now likely to enjoy/endure for quite some time.

Michelle (Oz)

[MalibuJenny]

Nikki, thanks so much for sharing. I'm sure your experiences will help others.

And don't be too hard on yourself for not finding a more eloquent way to break your news. At some point, the time comes just to rip off the bandaid and get the truth out there and I'm not sure it's ever much easier than you described.

Also, I always think it's the secrecy in these situations that's the real issue. Usually, the first reaction of the SO is a lost of trust, thinking, "I don't know this person at all! What else is he hiding?" So, it takes time for that trust to rebuild.

And of course, it's hard to expect her to be too excited by this revelation when you have felt so uncomfortable about this side of you that you've kept it hidden for decades. Just because you are ready to be more okay with this doesn't mean she is. She'll need time, too.


We all wish you the best and it sounds like you're through the hardest part. All you can do now is to continue to share your feelings and to honor hers.

[DanaR]

Nikki,

Thanks for the update, I'm glad things are going better; and I'm sure things will continue to be better as time goes on.

Take care,

[Denise Robinson]

I can so understand how you feel. I have done the owning up bit myself. all reactions to the confession are differant, theres no simple split up or stay together.

What is important is you give her time. You have known for so long and have gotten used to it, your wife hasnt, hence shock. i have to be honest though and you wont appreciate right now but you have done the right thing, honesty to your partner is a must.

Good luck and i am routing for both of you.

[Fiona K]

Nikki, I've been where you are too, like many here I'm sure (somewhere in pre-history there's a post from me with a very similar headline!).

I'd live to tell you that almost 4 years later all's well and she's happy to see Fiona and even go out with her but she isn't. We've reached a stable point for which I'm grateful but please don't get your hopes up that all will end up with you both as close girlfriends- I'm not saying it won't happen or can't happen but please don't set this as a goal.

You can't push this, you have to let her make all the running and to control the pace.

I do agree that though you may not feel like dressing now this may not be the case in the future- been there too!

Can I advise you to read "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd? No other book has helped me understand the partner's point of view like this one. Your SO might want to read it too but I suggest you make sure you've read it first! It pulls no punches but is written by a true supporter of Trans-people.

Good luck to you both

[Edyta_C]

I sure hope that your wife can have some understanding of Nikki. I have suffered from depression and my Therapist really believes that the attempt to repress CD and my feminine side has partially a cause. In my case there were some other factors but after gaining some understanding with my dear wife, I am so so much better. My wife could see the change immediately.

So I really hope the best for you. The repression and secrecy must have some effect on your mental state and if you can resolve this even partially (compromise) you should feel better. Of course I'm not a mental health expert in way shape or form. But my results were very dramatic. Wishing the best for you and Nikki!

hugs Edyta

[deja true]

Two good thoughts in these posts come to mind...

A while back, it was suggested that you both meet with your therapist. His dispassionate explanation of the trans 'problem' you're havng may help her to realize the truth of what you're saying concerning your feelings.

The other thought is brand new, from Edyta, above. Now that things have calmed a bit and your own stress levels have come down, It may be possible for her so start to see how a feminine aspect to your personality has actually made you a more understanding man in the big picture, the man she was attracted to in the first place...

Can she compare you and your history of openness and honesty favorably with the behavior of other men she knows? If so, that's a major point in your favor.

You lied to your wife. Keeping your secret for so long was a lie, a lie of omission. But as huge a lie as it was, it was still a "white" lie, done to protect her, not to harm her. I think she may come to realize this. It won't make the lie go away, but it should mitigate somewhat the horrible time she has had...

For you both, in your agonizing search for a way back from the cliff that you almost plunged over, I have the deepest

respect & love,

deja

:<3:

[Donna Michelle]

You lied to your wife. Keeping your secret for so long was a lie, a lie of omission. But as huge a lie as it was, it was still a "white" lie, done to protect her, not to harm her. I think she may come to realize this. It won't make the lie go away, but it should mitigate somewhat the horrible time she has had...

The lie was NOT done to protect HER. We all have hid our secret from society, because they try to make it sound so terrible. When I came out to my wife, she said she was disappointed that I kept secrets from her (there were secrets, but I never cheated on her).

She forgave this secret, because there is no easy way to explain this. Then she bought me LOT of girly stuff and helps me shop and dress. She is very supportive. She always knew where I was and usually knew what I was doing. I was secretly wearing HER panties at home or work. I just wanted to dress entirely.

It's not like I sneaked to other homes or hotels. I think some people are more understanding, forgiving and accepting of people they have trusted. We know people who do much more than I did. They cheat on their spouses. If that is what you did or what they think you did, they probably won't forgive you.

My wife was clear that my not trusting her to share the secret was much worse than what the secret was. She doesn't care what I wear. But some people don't understand why we dress and fear it. My wife knows I love her and we continue to have sex. She had no reason to think I was gay or cheating. She already had CD friends, so already knowing about people like us helped.

It is obvious that some people are so afraid to learn about us that they prefer to ignore or escape us. They don't even try to understand us. My wife said she doesn't need to know WHY I like to dress. She knows it makes me happy and she wants me to be happy. She doesn't understand why people fear us, but she remembers the AIDS scare in the 80s that made people fear the gay people. It is the "loose" lifestyle that spreads disease, not gender.

Nikki, are you still trying to understand yourself? Is that why you can't explain yourself to your wife? What are your wife's fears? How can you make her trust you after keeping a secret? My wife says your therapist owes you a group discount! The best thing for your wife is to talk to the wives of some of us lucky ones. My wife totally supports us.

Be patient and think to yourself, what if YOU were the one who learned that your spouse had a gender issue? What would YOU do? Of course, we already have issues, so we are more sympathetic. My mom still hasn't accepted me. I never did anything wrong, but she is beyond disappointed. She hates me! Just because I like to wear pretty clothes!

I hope your wife can trust you again, so you can remain close. She may not think you are man enough for her or maybe she can look back at your life and think you were good enough. Maybe she can accept your "faults" and you can remain together. My wife thinks the problem is HERS and SHE needs the therapy more than you do! If you love somebody, you shouldn't care what they wear. Substitute dress as a girl with dress goth or punk and no one would care. It doesn't make much sense.

[RobertaFermina]

Nikki,

After reading your posts on this thread, I judge you are pretty well put together as compassionate observer and responder. It seems that 99&#37; of your choices are going to be fine. It looks like you will weather the present crisis.

About the next one.....

I am attracted to your choice to "reveal", the pain of separation (holding the secret), and the yearning for closeness. That yearning caused you to go asleep with regard to the impact of the reveal. Unusual for such a sensitive, compassionate person.

I conjecture that your behavior around the reveal WAS triggered by past experience. Hopefully you can work with your therapist to recognize and take control of that unconscious impulse, and keep that tendency and its triggers conscious.

My concern is about the future, when your desire to dress returns, will you have renewed feelings of "distance" that you want to close by sharing more and more of you CD yearnings before your wife is ready....

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Nikki K]

You're so right Roberta,

Someone else in this thread warned my of the "Pink Cloud" so I've been extremely aware of that risk. And your observation is very astute; I was so out-of-character when I broke the news. It was only after several late nights of discussion did we manage to settle down and get the situation under some sort of control.
Whilst my wife has somewhat recovered from the shock and a sense of normality has resumed (aided, no doubt, by the fact that I'm just the same 'man' to her as I was before I told her) I'm somewhat concerned for the longer term. On the one hand I don't want to rush things; on the other, I don't want her lulled into a false sense of security that just because I've shared my secret I won't have those feelings any more.

This week I am taking her with me to the therapist; this is going to be a team effort and we all need to be working together.


I am curious about your wife's reaction. Mine was completely shell-shocked that the man in her life was, in some part, a masquerade and that our marriage had been a sham as a result. I think, to some extent, this was shock and anger talking, but I can also understand her position. I have a protective and caring, though not possessive, nature. I am not overtly macho or egotistical. We care for each other but she very much relies on me to be her provider and protector. (Not, I hasten to add, is she in anyway a submissive doormat.) I think one of her chief concerns has probably been that her way of life, which she very much enjoys, was at risk. I have cared and provided for her since she developed rheumatoid arthritis some 12 years ago and was forced to give up work. As a result I think the TG/CD issue was displaced by the fear of having to give up everything that we have worked so hard for.
I so hope that we can find a way for her to continue to feel safe and secure and yet for me to also experience my alter-ego. As I'm writing this it rather feels that I want the best of both worlds but it would also appear as though some of you have achieved that.

Have you and your wife discussed how this is going to play out in the long term?

Thanks for all your input and contributions,

Nikki

[monika_esteves]

Nikki,

I have two considerations about that.

First, you can consider yourself so cheated as she is. If she is feeling totally surprised as she never really knew you, I guess you have the rights to feel the same, after all you always believed that she was someone that you could trust, and she broke this. Ok, it wont solve nothing, but at least maybe will help to make you feel better about your mistake.

The second consideration, is that is a big mistake to think that women will be receptive to the fact that their husbands likes to dress like girls. Women gets married with man, and they do not like to wake up one day and notice that there is a woman laid at her side. One thing is your wife have a clue about your fantasies, and other thing is you confess that. An unconfessed clue will drive nowhere, specially if you are discreet (and you Nikki, is VERY discreet because you could hide it from her for 20+ years). But a confession is a complicated thing.

I think that maybe the first thing that passes for a woman head when she hear from his husband that he likes to feel like a sissy is if he have betrayed her with another man. There is the double jeopardy: the betraying and the homossexualism, and maybe the fears about something evil like AIDS, etc, etc.

And what to say about the unsafety feeling? Women are naturally fragile and have in the opposite part (boyfriend, husband, etc) a figure of protection and strength that without any trace of doubt, is broken is a million parts when his 'man' is transformed in a woman.

Finally, there is the sexuality impact. Although women are widely more freedom of prejudice than men, they are part of a society that stucks lots of things in their minds. A woman that discover that his husband is a undercovered girl, can suffer with doubts about herself. She can feel angry because she is not a lesbian, but suddenly she is married with a 'potential woman'.

Anyway, I think (and this is MY OPINION) that such secrets must be revealed before marriage - and just for women that clearly are ok about that. If you think that your wife is not able to deal with that before she becomes your wife, you never should trespass this fence. Never.

I am married for 6 years, and I can tell that I am a bit lucky, because although my wife doesnt know about my closet life (and I do not will to tell her), she gives me a lot of freedom and do not question too much a few things I do. For instances, I use to shave my whole body, and she never pushed me because that.

I wish you the best lucky of the world to figure this situation out, although I think that you will need a lot of work to put things on place again, and more analisys to put mind on place too. This is not impossible, but surely she will need to be engaged to work on it with you too. Maybe the first step is to discover what are the priorities for you and for her. Are you ready to abandon your CD life forever? Keep in mind that maybe it will be one of her exigencies, and chances are that you will need to choose between your female side or your family.

[Nikki K]

Hi Everyone,

It's been six weeks and I figured a second update would be appropriate given the turbulent journey since my last report.

Just as I thought we had the situation under control but then everything went south in a hurry. My SO suddenly declared that she simply couldn't understand it at all and most certainly couldn't deal with it. Put simply; "I want my hunky husband back"

What's made matters worse is that I've not been able to articulate how I feel and what I want. This is largely because I'm not sure I know anymore. Prior to my confession my feelings, desires, and behaviour were pretty consistent; since the confession I have swung from total transition, to barely interested, back to wanting to be Nikki more often and thinking about my feelings almost all the time. In fact, I am completely consumed by this at the moment and am finding it hard to concentrate on anything else.

During our various discussions I have made sure that she understands that whilst I'm keen to continue with therapy I'm not at all sure what the outcome will be. She's hoping that I'm going to be able to stop but I'm still not wholly convinced. Also, she has made it clear that if I really must "do it" she doesn't want to know about it nor particpate.

I also seem to be consumed with the need to express my feelings more than ever. Not, I hasten to add, with my SO since she has made it clear that she does not wish to participate and I wholly respect that. I've been shopping; brought new clothes, my first bra and NuBra pads(I've always liked camis but now want to develop my shape), my first decent wig, and a complete makeup kit. I want to remove all my body hair but haven't because of the effect this would have on my SO. I want to experience a spa including manicure, pedicure, and makeover. I desperately want to go out en-femme even if it's only for a private drive in the country. All of these desires and needs have been highly suppressed for many years and suddenly they've all bubbled to the surface.

I'm on a week long training trip and spending all of my private time dressed properly. I love the makeup and I'm feeling complete. I really want to go out but I've promised my SO that I won't. (She is frightened that I'll get beaten up or arrested; that I couldn't possibly 'pass' and would be humiliated by sniggers and comments)

My SO is now, as a result of my encouragement and support, seeing a separate therapist to help her cope with the whole situation. She feels there are a number of unresolved issues in her own past that are seriously affecting her perspective on my feelings.

In summary, we're still in love, we're still talking, we're still supporting each other (although it's been pretty tough for both of us at times), I still feel great as Nikki but only since I've been on this trip and free of the stress of our coping efforts.

As for my depression I am, after 10 years, on a regimen to come off my medication. (With the full support of my doctor, therapist, and SO) I have never felt better than I do right now. Despite our emotional struggles (which have been truly extreme) I have coped remarkably well and have not had any feelings of depression at all. This is amazing. This has also been a cause of conflict for my SO since she loves to see me relaxed and happy but can't come to terms with why I feel relaxed and happy.

We've still got work to do; a lot of work. However, we're both optimistic that our deep love for each other will help us find a way through this. For right now I'm still in the closet but at least the door is ajar and I'm no longer lying to the love of my life.

Nikki

[LA girl]

Nikki,

I admire you for your courage. Best wishes to you!

LA girl

[Ravin_nightshade]

I think that Kimberly Said it perfectly! The biggest thing you can do is reafirm to her that you love her! And sho her your the same person youve always been. Just dressed better!

[Sarah Doepner]

Nikki,
When I told my wife I unloaded with a ton of bricks on her life all in two minutes. I'd forgotten that it had been something that had taken me twenty years to accept and begin to nurture. I had puzzled over the questions of sexuality and where it put me in the world of gender and somehow I expected her to understand all this in a couple of days? Not too likely.
While my wife wanted her "hunky man" (I'm over 6 feet tall and more than 200 pounds as well) she was able to figure out that the sensitive, caring guy that all her friends wanted their husbands to be like, was a crossdresser. Some of what she had come to love over the years were my feminine traits, not the masculine ones. I don't know how she managed to make that connection, but it saved our marriage.
Continued good luck hun!

[Bev06 GG]

Hi all,


Her immediate reaction was that Nikki has stolen her husband and replaced him with a girlfriend she didn't need and didn't want. She was disgusted, heartbroken, distraught, and scared.


I have been suffering from chronic depression for many years; it's not clear yet whether Nikki is a cause or an effect of that condition. For now I feel calmer, more secure, and my conscience has been cleansed by the fact that I'm no longer harbouring a 'sordid' secret and I'm no longer being deceitful to the one person I truly love.

I tip my hat to my SO; she is one truly amazing lady.

Nikki

Hi Nikki,
Quite normal for a woman to feel frightened and betrayed, she must be going through every single emotion imaginable. I have to tell you though she may waver between acceptance and disgust for quite some time to come but I am sure you are already aware of that. It wont be easy for you and unfortunately you are the one who will have to constantly meet her where she is on a particular day, which will be quite exhausting for you but worth it in the long run.
Because of her uncertainty you will have days when you think you are nearly there and she's ok with it, only to have everything blow up in your face again. This is all part of her coming to terms with it. She may even constantly go over old ground which is the wearing bit for you, but you sound like you are a very patient understanding individual and I am sure you will be able to cope with it.
Just remember you have all of us to come to and sound off which is therapy in itself even if you dont receive advice we are a listening ear for you, but the chances are your wife hasn't got any one that she can do that with. Out of loyalty to you she is maybe bottling all of this up and the only one she can sound off to is you so patience is of the essence.
As someone has already mentioned you are being rather harsh on yourself. It sounds to me like you have gone through years of depression and I would hazard a guess that your CDing and the fact that you haven't been able to share it with the person closest to you has been the route cause of this. Quite how long you thought you could carry on in this way without it affecting your mental health beggers belief because short of having no conscience or being a totally selfish individual you couldn't possibly not be affected in some way. To be honest you must be a very resiient resourceful individual and the very fact that it has bought on a severe depression just goes to show what a caring individual you are and how much you love and respect your wife.
You know where we all are if you need us and I am sure when I say I really do wish you all the success in the world, I am echoeing what all your friends on this site feel too.
Lots of Love and Hugs my friend and dont forget to give your wife plenty too.
I am sorry if this sounds like a very rushed answer but I am getting ready for work and am due in a meeting the other side of the county in 3 hours. If I can be of any help whatsoever please do not hesitate to get in touch. I admire you greatly and despite what you might think of yourself I think you are dealing with things admirably. And just to finish off, I dont even know your wife but I agree she is a truly amazing person because she is dealing with this face on and not running away.
Bev