Cannot think of a suitable title

[Joanne f]

There are some very nice people on here which includes a couple of FAB that i respect a great deal so it sort of saddens me that i am writing this but i feel that i have been forced into it or at last to clear the air for myself, if i am asked to leave because of it then so be it.
The last but one thread that i was involved in had some name calling that really upset me and i thought that was against the rules to put people down in any way , so i had decided not to post on any more threads in fact i had more or less decided to ask to be deleted from here.
Now if there is one thing that i have learned from being on here is that i am not qualified to give advice as there are so many complications on here, like cross dressing 20 years ago was far different than doing it now so how can you apply the same rules that sound like good advice now to younger people when that advices would just not have worked then, and how is it right to tell them that they should just come out with it and risk their marriage or call them a coward if they try to feel the response that they might get if they to come clean .
Because of the Internet and sites like this it has in a way put the ones looking for advice and the ones giving advice a harder task to do as we have seen lately to the sad consequence`s of a couple of members that desperately wanted to be honest with their SO.
I am sorry if i do not agree with the comments like , you should have told them first , or they must not have loved you, life is not that simple we are talking about some one that loves some one else and their extended family.
And i have noticed that a lot of the" you should do this or you should do that" people make no comment when the advice go`s wrong.
I would agree with one thing and that is that there should be no secrets between couples but the advice that we might think is right may not suit someone who has been in a relationship for many years as opposed to someone who is just starting out, isent there a saying that go`s something like "good intentions can cost lives"
All as i am asking is that people try to look at the broader aspects of so many different types of relationships before they say what worked for me will work for you.

joanne f

[StephaniePA]

Hi JoAnne,
There is really no good advice as far I am concerned, every couple can be different, I come here to meet and chat with other girls, not for advice but just to have someone to talk to about what we do because we are the last to be accepted in society (if we ever will be), so dont get down you still have friends here.
Steph

[Tomara]

Hi Joanne , I am sorry to hear about your hurt feelings , I try to offer my feelings or my opinions but not tell some what they should or should`nt do . That said I think the forums are just like life off the net in that there are all kinds of people and all kinds of personalities that we all deal with daily not that we have to like it its just part of life . I hope you dont leave the forums because of someones comments or opinions but that is your choice. I hope my comments have helped you in some way :hugs: Tomara

[Kate Simmons]

Regardless of any advice given, it's always best to take it under advisement and with a "grain of salt". We know our own personal situation and relationship dynamics better than anyone else, so we know what is potentially at stake by pushing the envelope. While some may seem to have a "flawless" CD life, I'll tell you right now: "It just ain't so, there is no such thing." We all have friends, family and workmates to deal with and who knows sometimes what the long term repercussions will be?

I'm not one to advise anyone as far as their SO since I lost my wife and family over this already. All I can do is relate what happened to me so that others can maybe avoid that and that something which was negative in my case can possibly turn into something positive for someone else by getting them to think about it and not make the same mistake.

As far as other things, I don't tell others what to do, simply say this is what I do. What they do is their own decision. I do however point out that the most important thing is getting in touch with ourselves and our feelings because really, how can we explain the feelings to others, especially those we love if we do not understand them and the motivations ourselves? The objective as I see it after all is to be comfortable being ourselves and not to make ourselves and others miserable.

[Daintre]

I don't think people give advice as much as they give their opinion, and as we all know, each opinion can be accepted or rejected.

I have to agree with you when you say it was very much different in the "good old days" when even mentioning crossdressing was just not mentioned. I for one fell into the trap that I would change once married, so don't mention it. Today we know that was faulty logic and we would never give that "advice" or that opinion on things.

Younger members have not had to go through the pre internet dark ages, when a library was the only place to get information, so their outlook on dressing is more main stream for the times.

I keep an open mind and assess all the posts, some will offer valid points and some are just off the wall. It is up to ourselves whether we accept someone's opinion.

[KayR]

Whilst we all can make our input - just like a spoken conversation - its up to the individual surely, to decide for themselves which path to take?
If I said, for instance that you should take such-and-such an action, and you took it without considering your own unique set of circumstances, then isn't that naive at best, and reckless at worst?
What I do think is wrong is when someone gives well-intentioned advice/opinion, and someone else tells them its wrong, and that another direction is called for. Some of these put-downs that I have read seem a bit, well, brutal.
None of us is right all the time, whatever we do. The strength of forums such as ours, is that we have a common bond, and a theoretical empathy.

[Karren H]

Well name calling shouldn't be tollerated period and my weird humor can tend to upset people... and I know that and I'm trying real hard to control that.... But personally... I take anything conveyed on this board and any other one for their entertainment value and all posts are just peoples opinions... including mine.... So it's reader beware as far as I'm concerened....

[sterling12]

I haven't noticed any Flame Wars around here, so I'm not sure of what incident you speak. However, a couple of the others have also expressed my thoughts already.

We have a dialog here, where people express OPINIONS. Those opinions are based upon personal feelings. They are almost always offered in the spirit of giving the asking person new ideas.

Sometimes the person asking does want "new ideas." They are probably "venting," and that was their original purpose. That's cool; no harm and no foul. Furthermore, since I'm probably hundreds, if not thousands of miles away from the other person, I can't make them do anything....even if I wanted that. Same thing for everybody else. No hocus-pocus, no magical incantations. We just dispense our best opinion and hope that it might help. Sometimes it does....sometimes not.

Oh well, you got my latest "opinion." Guess I'll go back to reading The Funny Papers!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[TGMarla]

Yes, everyone so far agrees that name-calling should not be tolerated, and that advice is only worth what you make of it. BUT, that said, this forum does portray a tendency to push members into doing things they may not be ready to do, like spill it to thier SO or go out when they aren't really ready to do so.

I've said it before. Do not let this forum push you into anything you don't feel you are ready to do. Advice is cheap. Results are often not so cheap.

[AKAMichelle]

Speaking as one of those that asked for advice, I can honestly tell you that some of the ones giving the advice were wrong. I had enough sense to see through those postings and get to the ones which were helpful.

Things get out of hand sometimes, but everyone must remember to balance it and overlook things sometimes. We are all in the same boat. Many can't or avoid telling our spouses for obvious reasons only to find that things get worse through the years.

All that I can tell you is to forgive them that offended you and try again :D

[sandra-leigh]

I haven't noticed any Flame Wars around here, so I'm not sure of what incident you speak.

The adjective "coward" got used by someone whom, in my opinion, should have known that the adjective would likely leave people feeling hurt.

That was about the limit of the "name calling", but it was indeed a fairly emotive word to have chosen, and I am not surprised that some might have found the presence of the term, and staff/moderator tolerance of its presence, to be quite discouraging.

[JoAnnDallas]

As the old saying goes, "Opinions are like As***les, everyone has one". I also agree that us older CDer (50+ in age) did have a very different bringing up than the younger crowd. Looking back the Pre-Internet days were scary for CDer's as it was for Gays. Advice given to someone today would have had undesired results back in the Pre-Internet era. Many have said that they wish society would be more accepting. I can tell you one thing and that is today's society is 1000% more accepting than it was in my youth, but we still have a long was to go.
I have read postings where one urged another strongly to do something that the poster was reluctant to do. Advising someone, making suggestions, relating a similar event, or giving ones opinion is one thing. It can be taken or rejected with no harm done. Telling someone he/she HAS to do this or that can be harmful and not only to the person receiving it. If you post something then you have to be prepared to receive the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. It is the ultimate responsibility of the poster to sift thru all the received posting and make their own decision as to what to do if anything is done or not done.