Can't un-ring that bell

[Jenn2716]

I guess I'm not really looking for advice as much as I'm just releasing some of my inner feelings that are starting to get bottled up too much.

I have known since the age of 5 that I was different in that I liked girly things and wished I had been a girl. Like most of us, I knew that I couldn't express this to anyone because most boys wanted to be boys. As I got to teenage years I must have subconciously labled myself a crossdresser and continued to act as a guy in public but designed my life so that I would have as much time on my own so that I could be the girl I wanted to be privately.

As I reached my 20's I met my future wife and within months of our first date we were living together and I revealed to her that I was a crossdresser. After the initial shock, she accepted and supported me through our first few years together and on into our current 9th year of marriage.

The problem that I am now facing is that over the last decade I have begun to feel less and less like a crossdresser and more and more like a transexual. I've been open with these feelings with my wife and we have gone to therapy together and seperately regarding these issues. She has re-stated her support and encouragment of my crossdressing, but has firmly promised that the marriage is over should I take steps to transition.

Faced with this decision, I did what all crossdressers would do and happily accepted her continued support. The only problem is: I'm not a crossdresser. As much as both of us want occasional crossdressing to be enough to satisfy my transgender feelings, I am unable to even attempt to crossdress anymore. I don't want to crossdress at all. I want to dress and act and exist as the woman I feel I am.

I feel like I should be following the advice of several therapists I have seen and start making plans to transition. However, I feel so loyal to my wife that I don't want to turn her life upsidedown, though I'm beginning to think that may be inevitable. She's told her parents I'm a crossdresser and they are fine with it. I've told my parents that I'm transgendered and they still love me. I feel like I'm surrounded by supportive people, but the one person I trust the most and love the deepest, will walk away if I proceed.

Sorry to whine on about this. I know there is no easy answer. There is just the one BIG decision that needs to be made. I just need to figure out if I am woman enough to make it.

[Deborah_UK]

Jenna,

Its not whining at all - its a good way to think things through by wriying them down, unfortunately there is no easy solution to what you are going through, and I think a lot of TSs go through exactly the same agonies that you are.

My story is similar, although not married I have a partner of 9 years who has been tolerant of crossdressing but does not want to see me transition. My mum doesn't want me to transition she even showed me her suicide note :( but when it comes down to it who's life is it? I am slowing down but I still have my first appointment at the GIC in a couple of weeks.

So although no-one can make up your mind, you are not alone in what you are going through and anytime you want to "whine" then you have your friends on here :hugs:

[Sharon]

Is is a big decision, Jenna, and one that I am certainly grateful that I didn't have to face, although I did have children and other family to consider.

It's impossible to give you advice on this other than asking you try to imagine the great number of years you likely have to look forward to. Will you be happier remaining with your wife and preserving the current status quo, or will you be so unhappy that it will possibly negatively affect not only you, but your wife and the marriage itself? It shows what a good person you are that your wife's happiness is placed before your own, but at what cost will it be done?

I don't envy your situation, Jenna, and I wish you the very best. :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jenna

Please don't ever feel that you're whining about anything, we're all here for each other, no matter what. This is something we've all had to face at one point or another, the old egg meets the brick wall. I also can't tell you what to do because it's your life and decision to make, but you already know that.

I also hid my true feelings and identity since I was a little kid, that's over 50 years worth, and I was miserable until I met Kat. She gave me my life, and all I cared about was seeing to her happiness, but I was still dying inside. The problem is that as we give to others, we're taking away from ourselves, and we end up with a hole inside that can get too deep for us to handle, that's what happened to me. As much as I loved her, I couldn't do it anymore because I was disappearing, that's what first put me on my current path.

There is a high price to pay with transitioning, you have to decide how high you're willing to go. I was lucky because not only are we still together, we're happier and closer than we've ever been or thought possible, and she supported my decision to have SRS. We've held onto each other's hand the whole way and will never let go, I couldn't have done it without her help. I realize that your wife has drawn a line in the sand, but sand has a way of shifting and changing with the wind, so it's possible that she can change her mind, or not.

One thing to remember is that making a decision for you doesn't make you selfish or uncaring for others. You have a choice to make and so does your wife, and at the end of the day people have to do what's best for them. If you decide to go further, don't take it as you're pushing her out, that would be her making her choice while you make yours. I know that I was willing to lose everything and everyone in my life in order to be the real me, that's how important it was to me.

Anyways, I wish you the best and hope it works out, and remember that we're always here for you, anytime and every time.

Karen Starlene :star:

[melissaK]

Jenna, Deborah, Gee. You must be on different decks than me, but I'm pretty sure we're on the same river boat. If not, my cruise line has sister ships making the same ports of call.

Thanks for the gentle navigation tips from the pilot's house Karen and Sharon.

hugs,
lissa

[Jenn2716]

Thanks for comments ladies. I knew I wasn't really alone in my situation, it just feels like it sometimes.

Coming to this board and hearing about the adversities and successes of others really keeps me from giving up alltogether. The people who come to this site are such an important part of my life, and don't even know it.

It's going to be hard, but I'm working on finding the strength and confidence to do what I know is right for me.

Thanks again.

[StefanieWA]

Hi there Jenna, I hav e just read your post, I'm affraid I am basically in the same position as yourself, whilst my wife has said that we will still be together that the sex will no longer be there...... so we will eb partners for life well I hope we will be.

I started dressing about 2 years agoa and have been on a steam train forward to the extent that now I need to be partially woman with breasts, the ole fella well he is still there aand I am not sure of the final excsision but will I be enough for my wife that is th fear and I think that is already starting but we will see.

You have to be happy and I have said that if the relationship is rock solid then it is endager of being fractured, if the elationship is more like a bowl of jelly the the movement will stabilise and settle with each little bump.

Be you

hugs

Stefanie

[KeriB]

I guess I'm not really looking for advice as much as I'm just releasing some of my inner feelings that are starting to get bottled up too much.

I have known since the age of 5 that I was different in that I liked girly things and wished I had been a girl. Like most of us, I knew that I couldn't express this to anyone because most boys wanted to be boys. As I got to teenage years I must have subconciously labled myself a crossdresser and continued to act as a guy in public but designed my life so that I would have as much time on my own so that I could be the girl I wanted to be privately.

As I reached my 20's I met my future wife and within months of our first date we were living together and I revealed to her that I was a crossdresser. After the initial shock, she accepted and supported me through our first few years together and on into our current 9th year of marriage.

The problem that I am now facing is that over the last decade I have begun to feel less and less like a crossdresser and more and more like a transexual. I've been open with these feelings with my wife and we have gone to therapy together and seperately regarding these issues. She has re-stated her support and encouragment of my crossdressing, but has firmly promised that the marriage is over should I take steps to transition.

Faced with this decision, I did what all crossdressers would do and happily accepted her continued support. The only problem is: I'm not a crossdresser. As much as both of us want occasional crossdressing to be enough to satisfy my transgender feelings, I am unable to even attempt to crossdress anymore. I don't want to crossdress at all. I want to dress and act and exist as the woman I feel I am.

I feel like I should be following the advice of several therapists I have seen and start making plans to transition. However, I feel so loyal to my wife that I don't want to turn her life upsidedown, though I'm beginning to think that may be inevitable. She's told her parents I'm a crossdresser and they are fine with it. I've told my parents that I'm transgendered and they still love me. I feel like I'm surrounded by supportive people, but the one person I trust the most and love the deepest, will walk away if I proceed.

Sorry to whine on about this. I know there is no easy answer. There is just the one BIG decision that needs to be made. I just need to figure out if I am woman enough to make it.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through.... my wife and I have hit the wall the last week or so and I am so apathetic at the moment.. it's not an easy decision for sure, and I almost look at it as a "lose-lose" either way. Drop me a note at my e-mail if you'd like to chat.. i think we have lots in common in our situations.. Feel better!

[Sally24]

Your wife has said the marriage would end but would your friendship? Marraige, sex, and friendship are three totally different things. If you transition, usually the first two go away. That doesn't mean you can't be close friends or sisters. See if that might satisfy both of you in the future you are trying to plan. Good luck!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jenna --- great message and you are not whining...i'm going to post a similar message!!! i'm now divorced but i have kids and i dont know how i can start to transition and i can't imagine NOT starting!! ....it's like a trap

my thinking is that i need to proceed very slowly but always making progress towards a transition ...i am seeing a therapist and i've scheduled a check up with a tg friendly doctor to help with medical issues


i have been going through a very long pity party for myself thinking about how i can't seem to control this impulse to finally do what i've always wished i could do and live as a woman...the logical answer is to "accept myself",but its so hard...and sometimes i think that if its so hard for me to accept this, then what about others!!!???

well anyway...i hope you can accept yourself and i'm reading the posts and going through all the same stuff you are! so keep well!!

michele

[Denise Robinson]

Cant un - ring the bell,

dont, its something that is impossible to do, i have tried many times because its easier to "fit in" to the norm and have a quiet life. You should live your life and be happy. I had a wife and a child and now my situation is that i have my child 3 times a week but friends only with my ex. Its tough but you get used to it. i know this sounds "to hell with them all" but its not.

Its really down to you excepting yourself and being honest with yourself and others

in my situation i could not be what i was before just to satisfy whats expected.

:love: Hannah

[DanaR]

My situation is similar as well. I care a lot about my wife and family and decided years ago that they are very important to me. Over the years I've realized that you can't always have what you want, but still can be happy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

danar --- so what did you do? which thing you want don't you have??

i am living my lie quite successfully as of today but for some reason over the the last 9 months it seems to be getting harder and harder

i love my kids..i'm divorced but get along great with ex(she knows) but right now i'm living as divorced middle age (youngish hehe) guy...i get some time out but that doesnt seem to quell my desire

[KarenCDFL]

I am in a close position. No kids here but for several reasons I cannot transition.
It is not always easy and sometimes the feelings are so strong to live as a female hurts so much knowing I can't.

But I have been able to find a "Happy Place" to live in and for this life it will have to be enough.

[marie354]

Your wife has said the marriage would end but would your friendship? Marraige, sex, and friendship are three totally different things. If you transition, usually the first two go away. That doesn't mean you can't be close friends or sisters. See if that might satisfy both of you in the future you are trying to plan. Good luck!

Sally, you have a good point there.
When I decided that I wanted to transition, the first thing that died, was the sex. Followed shortly thereafter by our man/woman relationship. I expected this to happen. However, we are still really good friends, and I don't think that, that will ever end. In fact she is always telling me that she still loves me, even though not exactly the same.

Which goes to show that true love never dies... It continually evolves.

Some people, including my relatives, admire me for finally making this decision, as it isn't an easy one to make, and others just think I'm "KNUTZ"! (Well maybe I am just a bit, but I'm a happy nut now.)

[KeriB]

This thread has been a very important one for me, for the simple reason that it has comforted me to know that I am not the only one going through all of this stuff.... just thought I'd mention that. While I do truly feel pain for what my wife is going through, sometimes I wonder if she realizes just how hard it is for me, for us, in this situation. Sometimes I think it gets all so trivialized. But I'm happy to be able to come here and share with others in similar situations, even if it's not what we hope for.

[Jenn2716]

I really appreciate everyone's comments. It's nice to hear from some kindred souls.

Keri, I know what you mean about how our own struggles must go un-attended to when we are trying to keep our lives of our loved ones happy and stable. I just have to assume that my wife either doesn't know or is unwilling to think about the internal torture I put myself through to keep everything the same.