Kate Simmons
05-30-2008, 12:57 PM
In the beginning when I was little and came to self awareness, I kind of came to another realization at the same time. I wasn't JUST a boy, I was also a girl because I had both sets of feelings. In fact, in my little mind, I could not understand why I could not be both. Still can't really.
Oh yeah, I did the normal rough and tumble stuff and played hard with the boys but I also liked the softer stuff like playing with the girls. The funny thing was, the girls had no problem with me being the "mommy" sometimes, it was the adults who on observation always threw in the proverbial monkey wrench and sternly told me: "You can't do that , you are a boy." I was like WTF? How do they know what I can and can't do. Anyway, you get the picture, I was being programmed to do "boy" stuff whatever the hell that was.
Needless to say, this did not set well with me and so, yeah I continued to be a "boy" but secretly considered myself a tomboy. I liked action oriented things but I also liked nice things and to look nice, so secretly dressed in my Mom's stuff and used her makeup for years. Sounds like a contradiction maybe but this is the way I always was. When I hit puberty, I dealt with the hormones but then is when I found out it was possible to have a sex change and I unofficially made that my goal for when I got out on my own. In the meantime, I continued to dress off and on, finding many golden opportunities and took full advantage of them.
After High School I got a job and this enabled me to buy my own stuff which I kept well hidden at home. I used to enjoy late night forays walking around town en femme and kind of fancied myself as somewhat of an adventuress being influenced by reading the adventures of Batgirl, Wonder Woman and the ever so resourceful Dejah Thoris of the Edgar Rich Burrough's Mars books, not to mention The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. and Emma Peel on TV. This showed me I could have adventures and still look nice.
Even in the Army I managed to carry on my adventures, although it was somewhat convoluted at times because of my top secret crypto clearance but hey, where there is a will, there is a way. I had fully intended to transition after the Army but decided against it as I met the woman who would become my wife. It didn't take long however until my need to be the adventuress returned and I did it in secret once more. After a couple of years I had to tell her but she did not take it well and though I promised to quit, we all know how that works and it was quite the see-saw ride at times, especially trying to raise three children and doing right by them.
Eventually when the children were grown, I could hold back no longer and came "out" in 2001 and joined a TG Org. I was a bit dismayed however to find out that there were certain "standards" that these folks had as to how a woman (or a CD emulating a woman) should act. There was even outright snobbery in some instances with some telling me: "Ladies don't act like that." I was like: "Whoa, deja vu all over again from the other side of the fence!" Damn, I wasn't looking to become some kind of debutant, just myself. Well, I didn't need an anvil to fall on me to see there was trouble abrewin' down the pike Missy, so I bailed and went on my own to develop myself and guess what, I'm still a tomboy. This is who I am and cannot deny that and I feel that attempting to act contrary to my base nature is just putting on a pretense, dresses wigs and makeup notwithstanding.
As far as I'm concerned, this is what it is all about--being yourself and accepting others for who they are and not attempting to be something you are really not. I relate to others as individuals and not labels and this is what will really make or break us as a community because it's really all about people being people and not being this, that or the other thing. The most important thing I have done is balance the feelings and integrate them, so I'm okay either way. That doesn't mean I don't still have fun dressing but when I do it, it's all or nothing and I give it my best shot. Sure, I can look like a girly girl but I'm really a tomboy at heart and always will be.;):)
Oh yeah, I did the normal rough and tumble stuff and played hard with the boys but I also liked the softer stuff like playing with the girls. The funny thing was, the girls had no problem with me being the "mommy" sometimes, it was the adults who on observation always threw in the proverbial monkey wrench and sternly told me: "You can't do that , you are a boy." I was like WTF? How do they know what I can and can't do. Anyway, you get the picture, I was being programmed to do "boy" stuff whatever the hell that was.
Needless to say, this did not set well with me and so, yeah I continued to be a "boy" but secretly considered myself a tomboy. I liked action oriented things but I also liked nice things and to look nice, so secretly dressed in my Mom's stuff and used her makeup for years. Sounds like a contradiction maybe but this is the way I always was. When I hit puberty, I dealt with the hormones but then is when I found out it was possible to have a sex change and I unofficially made that my goal for when I got out on my own. In the meantime, I continued to dress off and on, finding many golden opportunities and took full advantage of them.
After High School I got a job and this enabled me to buy my own stuff which I kept well hidden at home. I used to enjoy late night forays walking around town en femme and kind of fancied myself as somewhat of an adventuress being influenced by reading the adventures of Batgirl, Wonder Woman and the ever so resourceful Dejah Thoris of the Edgar Rich Burrough's Mars books, not to mention The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. and Emma Peel on TV. This showed me I could have adventures and still look nice.
Even in the Army I managed to carry on my adventures, although it was somewhat convoluted at times because of my top secret crypto clearance but hey, where there is a will, there is a way. I had fully intended to transition after the Army but decided against it as I met the woman who would become my wife. It didn't take long however until my need to be the adventuress returned and I did it in secret once more. After a couple of years I had to tell her but she did not take it well and though I promised to quit, we all know how that works and it was quite the see-saw ride at times, especially trying to raise three children and doing right by them.
Eventually when the children were grown, I could hold back no longer and came "out" in 2001 and joined a TG Org. I was a bit dismayed however to find out that there were certain "standards" that these folks had as to how a woman (or a CD emulating a woman) should act. There was even outright snobbery in some instances with some telling me: "Ladies don't act like that." I was like: "Whoa, deja vu all over again from the other side of the fence!" Damn, I wasn't looking to become some kind of debutant, just myself. Well, I didn't need an anvil to fall on me to see there was trouble abrewin' down the pike Missy, so I bailed and went on my own to develop myself and guess what, I'm still a tomboy. This is who I am and cannot deny that and I feel that attempting to act contrary to my base nature is just putting on a pretense, dresses wigs and makeup notwithstanding.
As far as I'm concerned, this is what it is all about--being yourself and accepting others for who they are and not attempting to be something you are really not. I relate to others as individuals and not labels and this is what will really make or break us as a community because it's really all about people being people and not being this, that or the other thing. The most important thing I have done is balance the feelings and integrate them, so I'm okay either way. That doesn't mean I don't still have fun dressing but when I do it, it's all or nothing and I give it my best shot. Sure, I can look like a girly girl but I'm really a tomboy at heart and always will be.;):)