Maryanne_sa
06-01-2008, 04:19 AM
Dear Girls
About 12 years ago, I completed about 14 months of therapy and was diagnosed as TS (something which I already knew). A lot of the therapy dealt with other issues, mainly my childhood, and family and friends, as I am sure those of you who have been through therapy will know.
I also ended up with a major crush on my therapist whose name is Helen. Not surprising I suppose, given that she was the first person to whom I bared my soul, and cried on her shoulder, when ”the” moment arrived and it all burst out of me in tears and I let it all out.
At the end of therapy, she set up an appointment with a gynecologist for me and he explained all about hormones and surgery etc, all I had to do was say the word to start hormones. I dithered a bit, as I had two daughters at University and one at school. I was not worried about work though, as I was a minor partner in a women's clothing manufacturing company and we had quite a few gay people working for us, so I thought that once I told the other partners, it would not be an issue. During therapy, I grew my hair long. I kept it in a ponytail at work. I also had it colored from time to time. The amazing thing is, even though my wife and I had quite a big circle of friends, no one ever asked me what was going on. My wife, of course knew, but was very unhappy and felt betrayed, for which I do not blame her for at all. She also had to have therapy, but could not accept me. The only way she could cope was if everything was hidden from her. This is difficult since you cannot accept yourself for what you are, and then have to conceal it! At the time she said that she is not a lesbian. We are basically married in name and appearance only, although we do remain friends and have a lot of common interests. I am so sorry that I hurt her so badly over this. It was clear that if I was going to transition, I would have to leave.
Now, while I was contemplating all the implications of transitioning, disaster struck. One of the members of our staff in my department (finance) was caught defrauding the company, and as a result, I was asked to resign as I had hired him and he was my right hand man. He had got into gambling debt. The person in question spent three years in jail for this. I guess, I had taken my eye off the ball due to everything that was happening in my private life and I felt guilty that it had happened. I had known something was wrong, but had been unable to pin point it. I did not fight the request for my resignation. My confidence was totally shattered, and I immediately started panicking regarding supporting the family and paying for my daughters education etc. The first thing I did, was cut my hair short, step well back from the wonderful place where I had accepted myself and was comfortable with what I was. I was in a very bad place. I had to find work, which I eventually did, but no where near the income I had been earning. Fortunately, I had saved and invested a lot of money, as when my Dad died when I was age 11, he had left us destitute, and I had always sworn that would never happen to my family.
Now - Saturday 31st May.
My girls are now educated and living in London. Two of the three are married - the youngest one this year, and our middle daughter is expecting our first grandchild in December. They therefore want us to immigrate to the UK to be near them.
Of course I want to be near my darling daughters, but find myself at the crossroads again. I have been really, really miserable for years and I want to live the rest of my life as the woman I am. I suspect I may be too old to for hormones etc now, but that does not matter, it is how I feel inside, and I will do whatever else I can to be as presentable as possible, mainly laser and electrolysis. Fortunately, I am small boned, 5ft 7in, and weigh 58 kgs. I want to loose 2kgs.
The rest of what I was going to write had been superseded by what happened on Friday night. My wife had gone out and I thought she would be a least an hour and a half. So I decided to do some much needed washing, blouses, skirts, undies etc, and I was still in the process of washing them when she arrived home early. I had no option but to tell her that I was doing some “personal washing”. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we then had a talk about our situation. She is so anti everything that she even said that she does not like me to cross my legs when I am sitting. I told her this was ridiculous, since lots of men cross their legs when they are sitting down. She then had a go at me as she had noticed my toenails which I had done (French pedicure) about a week ago. To be honest, I was surprised that she had noticed as I have been wearing socks and shoes most of the time, so as not to upset her. She asked if I was going to wait until the polish was scratched and then it take it off. Always in the past, I have given in to her, and would have taken the polish off, but this time I didn’t , I said, “No, I will probably have them redone”. I told her that I am not prepared to live like this any longer having to hide everything and being fearful of upsetting her if she sees something, or is upset that I had my eyebrows done. I said that we should separate, and that I should not go with her to the U.K. I know how stressed she is as well, and I know how betrayed she feels (quite rightly) But, I’m afraid that I can’t handle it any longer, as she can’t. I am causing her loads of stress as well. I want to emphasize that I don’t blame her. I am not what she thought she was marrying. I just wish she was not so strongly anti. I think it might have to do with having gone to a Catholic School. I cannot live my life as a lie any longer.
The point is that neither of us can cope with the stress of the situation. Financially it is going to be a problem for us to split,as it would mean two residences. Much more expensive in England. She proposes that we start off going over, and split once we are on our feet. I will probably have to work until I’m 80! I really don’t know what to do. Our children will be devastated if I don’t go, and of course will want to know why. I have this thing where I don’t want to tell them, and make up some other reason for a split. I told my wife that I don’t want to embarrass them, especially the married one. She then asked if I was ashamed of myself. I said, “No I was not,” but they probably will be embarrassed.
Sunday 1st June.
This morning my wife went to a Church meeting to see a very charismatic speaker and left at about 7.40am, even though the service was only due to start at 9, to make sure she got a seat. She wanted me to go, but I said I would not. I knew that she would be gone for close on 3 hours. So I got dressed in my denim skirt, pink striped long sleeve top, new pink cardigan which I have just bought as it’s a little bit cold, a pair of blue shoes to match my skirt, some earrings, wig, and make up. I then drove around a bit and then drove to our local shopping centre and walked inside, carry my handbag ( purse as Americans say). I went to the beauty salon where I have my waxing etc done as I had a funny feeling that my beautician would be there, even though they don’t open on Sundays, and she was, sitting at the reception desk, waiting for a client. She was thrilled to see me and said that I looked “lovely, and so pretty” and gave me a big hug. I was so thrilled. She asked how I knew she would be there and I said that I had a funny feeling, so decided to see if she was there. I have only worn jeans and a bit of eye make-up when I have been in the past, so this was the first time, she had seen the real me. We had a nice chat. She told me again when I left, that I looked lovely. I have an appointment on Tuesday for a manicure. Well, I came home to make sure that all trace of Maryanne was hidden by 10.30am. Well, it now 11.15am, and she is still not home, so he must be a really amazing speaker.
I did not mean to write such a long post, but it’s a critical period in my life.
Love to you all,
Maryanne
About 12 years ago, I completed about 14 months of therapy and was diagnosed as TS (something which I already knew). A lot of the therapy dealt with other issues, mainly my childhood, and family and friends, as I am sure those of you who have been through therapy will know.
I also ended up with a major crush on my therapist whose name is Helen. Not surprising I suppose, given that she was the first person to whom I bared my soul, and cried on her shoulder, when ”the” moment arrived and it all burst out of me in tears and I let it all out.
At the end of therapy, she set up an appointment with a gynecologist for me and he explained all about hormones and surgery etc, all I had to do was say the word to start hormones. I dithered a bit, as I had two daughters at University and one at school. I was not worried about work though, as I was a minor partner in a women's clothing manufacturing company and we had quite a few gay people working for us, so I thought that once I told the other partners, it would not be an issue. During therapy, I grew my hair long. I kept it in a ponytail at work. I also had it colored from time to time. The amazing thing is, even though my wife and I had quite a big circle of friends, no one ever asked me what was going on. My wife, of course knew, but was very unhappy and felt betrayed, for which I do not blame her for at all. She also had to have therapy, but could not accept me. The only way she could cope was if everything was hidden from her. This is difficult since you cannot accept yourself for what you are, and then have to conceal it! At the time she said that she is not a lesbian. We are basically married in name and appearance only, although we do remain friends and have a lot of common interests. I am so sorry that I hurt her so badly over this. It was clear that if I was going to transition, I would have to leave.
Now, while I was contemplating all the implications of transitioning, disaster struck. One of the members of our staff in my department (finance) was caught defrauding the company, and as a result, I was asked to resign as I had hired him and he was my right hand man. He had got into gambling debt. The person in question spent three years in jail for this. I guess, I had taken my eye off the ball due to everything that was happening in my private life and I felt guilty that it had happened. I had known something was wrong, but had been unable to pin point it. I did not fight the request for my resignation. My confidence was totally shattered, and I immediately started panicking regarding supporting the family and paying for my daughters education etc. The first thing I did, was cut my hair short, step well back from the wonderful place where I had accepted myself and was comfortable with what I was. I was in a very bad place. I had to find work, which I eventually did, but no where near the income I had been earning. Fortunately, I had saved and invested a lot of money, as when my Dad died when I was age 11, he had left us destitute, and I had always sworn that would never happen to my family.
Now - Saturday 31st May.
My girls are now educated and living in London. Two of the three are married - the youngest one this year, and our middle daughter is expecting our first grandchild in December. They therefore want us to immigrate to the UK to be near them.
Of course I want to be near my darling daughters, but find myself at the crossroads again. I have been really, really miserable for years and I want to live the rest of my life as the woman I am. I suspect I may be too old to for hormones etc now, but that does not matter, it is how I feel inside, and I will do whatever else I can to be as presentable as possible, mainly laser and electrolysis. Fortunately, I am small boned, 5ft 7in, and weigh 58 kgs. I want to loose 2kgs.
The rest of what I was going to write had been superseded by what happened on Friday night. My wife had gone out and I thought she would be a least an hour and a half. So I decided to do some much needed washing, blouses, skirts, undies etc, and I was still in the process of washing them when she arrived home early. I had no option but to tell her that I was doing some “personal washing”. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we then had a talk about our situation. She is so anti everything that she even said that she does not like me to cross my legs when I am sitting. I told her this was ridiculous, since lots of men cross their legs when they are sitting down. She then had a go at me as she had noticed my toenails which I had done (French pedicure) about a week ago. To be honest, I was surprised that she had noticed as I have been wearing socks and shoes most of the time, so as not to upset her. She asked if I was going to wait until the polish was scratched and then it take it off. Always in the past, I have given in to her, and would have taken the polish off, but this time I didn’t , I said, “No, I will probably have them redone”. I told her that I am not prepared to live like this any longer having to hide everything and being fearful of upsetting her if she sees something, or is upset that I had my eyebrows done. I said that we should separate, and that I should not go with her to the U.K. I know how stressed she is as well, and I know how betrayed she feels (quite rightly) But, I’m afraid that I can’t handle it any longer, as she can’t. I am causing her loads of stress as well. I want to emphasize that I don’t blame her. I am not what she thought she was marrying. I just wish she was not so strongly anti. I think it might have to do with having gone to a Catholic School. I cannot live my life as a lie any longer.
The point is that neither of us can cope with the stress of the situation. Financially it is going to be a problem for us to split,as it would mean two residences. Much more expensive in England. She proposes that we start off going over, and split once we are on our feet. I will probably have to work until I’m 80! I really don’t know what to do. Our children will be devastated if I don’t go, and of course will want to know why. I have this thing where I don’t want to tell them, and make up some other reason for a split. I told my wife that I don’t want to embarrass them, especially the married one. She then asked if I was ashamed of myself. I said, “No I was not,” but they probably will be embarrassed.
Sunday 1st June.
This morning my wife went to a Church meeting to see a very charismatic speaker and left at about 7.40am, even though the service was only due to start at 9, to make sure she got a seat. She wanted me to go, but I said I would not. I knew that she would be gone for close on 3 hours. So I got dressed in my denim skirt, pink striped long sleeve top, new pink cardigan which I have just bought as it’s a little bit cold, a pair of blue shoes to match my skirt, some earrings, wig, and make up. I then drove around a bit and then drove to our local shopping centre and walked inside, carry my handbag ( purse as Americans say). I went to the beauty salon where I have my waxing etc done as I had a funny feeling that my beautician would be there, even though they don’t open on Sundays, and she was, sitting at the reception desk, waiting for a client. She was thrilled to see me and said that I looked “lovely, and so pretty” and gave me a big hug. I was so thrilled. She asked how I knew she would be there and I said that I had a funny feeling, so decided to see if she was there. I have only worn jeans and a bit of eye make-up when I have been in the past, so this was the first time, she had seen the real me. We had a nice chat. She told me again when I left, that I looked lovely. I have an appointment on Tuesday for a manicure. Well, I came home to make sure that all trace of Maryanne was hidden by 10.30am. Well, it now 11.15am, and she is still not home, so he must be a really amazing speaker.
I did not mean to write such a long post, but it’s a critical period in my life.
Love to you all,
Maryanne