It Is Really Sad

[melissacd]

I am here in my home office, taking a break from a long day's work and I decide to come to the forum. I read some of the threads and I start to notice something...and I am not sure if there are more of these situations happening or if there are more people telling us about it.

I am seeing so many cases where our sisters are being discovered by their significant others and their relationships going into a complete tail spin. I see many comments about non-acceptance, snide remarks, anger, the possibility of a break up.

These significant others, who were probably, for the most part, in love prior to this discovery are suddenly questioning their relationship. While I can completely appreciate and understand a spouse's surprise, dismay, anger and perhaps even disgust with their discovery and I can understand their sense of unhappiness over breached trust, I cannot understand how a previously loving relationship can now be in jeapardy.

I am not trying to trivialize the seriousness of the situation, but it boggles my mind that a loving relationship, that probably survived some pretty major ups and downs, could be shattered so easily by something like this. It is not as if the person committed a crime. It is certainly not a perversion, although we are made to feel that it is.

Why is it that a relationship can survive so many much greater trials and tribulations and yet something like this can knock it over in an instant?

I think that this makes a very big statement about the nature of our culture, how it perceives men and how women perceive the limits of male behaviour.

Yes it can be a big surprise, but how can it be the destructor of an otherwise loving relationship. Does anyone have some insight into this. I am especially interested in points of view from GGs because I really do not understand.

I know that if I had discovered a similar situation with my wife I would make a strong effort to understand and embrace. That is what you do for the one's that you love. In my case that love and understanding was not there. While we have stayed together, my forced repression has made me resent her and has caused my love to grow cold.

Can it be restored, can I make it right? After 8 years, I hope so. Should I have allowed myself to be forced not to do it? At the time it seemed like the right thing, but now I realize that was one of the worst decisions of my life.

I say to all cross dressers who are discovered, love your spouse, be sensitive to their concerns, educate them on this aspect of yourself, but stand firm on who you are. If you are not already in a relationship then I advise, very strongly, that before you get too far down the road you make them aware of this side of yourself and be prepared for them to walk away. While difficult at the time, it is the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things.

If I had to do it over again, I would never get into a relationship with a mate who could not accept all of who I am. Truelly for better or for worse and baby cross dressing is not worse!

Hugs
Melissa - the Canayjun Girl

[Tamara Croft]

I answered a similiar sort of question earlier today.




1. How did you feel when you first discovered your partner crossdressed?

When my partner first told me 6 years ago that she was a crossdresser, I didn't really know what it meant. I felt betrayed and hurt because I didn't understand what she was telling me. I thought she was weird and there was something wrong with her. The first thing she said to me was 'I'm NOT gay'. But that really didn't mean anything either because I didn't really know much about crossdressing at that time. To me it was men getting up on a stage prancing about as females, drag queens. She didn't dress up much and to be honest I didn't really care for it. I thought it was strange and she was strange, but I lived with it right up until we split up last year. Don't get me wrong, we had some really great times together when she was dressed enfemme. When we split up last year, I was literally heart broken. After a few months I decided to find out the 'why', why she crossdressed, what it all meant, was she weird etc. I had joined the forum before we had split up, but had never really took an active part in it. So I started to read about the lives of other crossdressers. Things started to make sense and they most certainly aren't abnormal or weird. We are back together now and being active in this forum has helped me beyond belief.

I'm not really sure why we feel this way, but if you love a person with all your heart and soul, you would do everything in your power to make the relationship work. Doesn't matter what a person wears on the outside, that person is still the same on the inside. But a relationship is based on love, trust and honesty. If you can't be honest in the beginning of a relationship, then you only have yourself to blame. It's no good telling someone 10 years later that you have a huge secret now is it? Tammy told me a couple of months into the relationship after it started getting a bit more serious. I'm not sure how the relationship would be if she hadn't told me and waited.... I think I'd be furious... but then again she's my soul mate and I love her.

[DonnaT]

I am not trying to trivialize the seriousness of the situation, but it boggles my mind that a loving relationship, that probably survived some pretty major ups and downs, could be shattered so easily by something like this. It is not as if the person committed a crime. It is certainly not a perversion, although we are made to feel that it is.

Why is it that a relationship can survive so many much greater trials and tribulations and yet something like this can knock it over in an instant?

I often wonder about it too. Heck, I've seen women treated pretty poorly by their husband and yet decide to stay with their husband becuase they still love them.

[Melissa A.]

Hi melissa,

Every time I think about what you have put yourself through, I want to cry. And I have noticed the same thing lately, and those situations bring tears to my eyes, as well. Maybe because I lived it, too. It certainly is not unusual. Most people who have been here a while know my story. I'm not an exceptional individual, but have been able to, through circumstances, luck, and some perseverence, find my way to some level of peace and happiness. And as you said, An unwillingness to accept anything but acceptance for all of who I am, from those I choose to be intimate with. I know it can happen then, for anyone.

But I also know about fear, of losing something important, and of being alone. I live with that too. My long distance relationship is not going all that well now, presicely because of the distance, and the realization by us both that it isn't going to change anytime soon.

I would never tell someone to simply walk away from a relationship of many years, especially if there are children involved. Everyone's situation is different. And taking the step, to say, this is me- I'm willing to work with you and make compromises, but this is ME, always has been, and from now on it will be without guilt or fear, IS SCARY! I understand that. Sometimes the thought of being able to truly be you seems so far away and unatainable, and gatting there can be excrutiatingly painful, and filled with potholes, twists and turns that are unpredictable.

I don't fully understand the way this can change a partner's attitude either, melissa. Especially with all the information and support available today. But I guess, even though we are trying to understand and empathize, we are still viewing it through our eyes, and the years of secrets, shame, and pain. Our love hasn't changed, but in their eyes, we have changed, alot. And many see it as a betrayel, or violation of honesty. But sometimes I wonder if it really is that or the crossdressing itself. After all, the reaction of many SO's only confirms our reason for staying in the closet-FEAR. The ones who are truly angry about the deception alone, from what I have read, do learn to forgive.

But remember, melissa, there are success stories here. Quite a few. And though my story isn't over, mate wise, I consider myself a success story too, with or without one. Like I said, I am no more exceptional or special than any of you, and I have found a degree of peace, acceptance, and no worries about discovery or what people think. I want more, but I am happy. I hope, from the bottom of my heart, this is encouraging to others. PLEASE, don't take that as boasting. If I thought it sounded that way, I would never write it. I really hope it does not. I simply want you and others to find what you deserve, however you get there. I really mean that. And I hope what I have been fortunate enough to experience can be encouraging.

Strength and luck to all.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Crystal_sub]

*Sigh*
Though I'm not a GG, as I tried very hard to understand them, I think I feel what GGs would feel when they discover our CDing.
Honey, Love and loving relationship between two is firmly based on what we call "FAITH", "TRUTHFULNESS". Besides being discovered CDing, whenever there happens something related to this faith, the strong, unbreakable and even forever relationship shatters into pieces.
I don't know how to cure this. Sorry for this fact but it is as it is....

[Sharon]

I'm only making an assumption here, and I suppose there are several reasons why an SO may be upset learning about this well into a relationship, but I think the major cause for rankor is the fact that they feel as if they've been lied to for all this time. Generally speaking, women are much more open about themselves than the average male and they don't understand how men can't be as open about their feelings, thoughts, and desires as they are. It is a form of betrayal and if we keep such a significant characteristic hidden for years, and even decades, what other secrets are we keeping from them?
Up until my current relationship, my ex-wife was the only SO I ever told about myself, and now I'm involved with someone who has known about me even before we began dating. I can't imagine being significantly involved with someone without telling them about this as it is such a huge part of who I am. I never told anyone else because I haven't had any other relationships that I thought had the potential of growing into something long-term.
It's kind of like I tell them, "love me or leave me, this is who I am." It's better to do it before the relationship develops deeply and you don't know how to break it to them.

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of the input so far. An interesting point has been made by many of you that I want to touch upon.

- not saying anything at the beginning, not saying anything at all but being discovered, not saying anything over a long period of time = a betrayal of trust and suggests that there are other hidden things

My experience, for everyone in my life that I loved and told, was that they rejected me for it. I have never had a situation where I have told someone and they understood. I guess you have that happen enough and you become afraid to tell. Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of being alone, fear that what they say is right.

I know that they feel betrayed. I can accept that. It is understandable. I think, based on reactions that many of us have gotten that hiding it is a perfectly understandable behaviour on the part of cross dressers. Why wouldn't we hide away from being rejected and humiliated.

I guess my issue is "why is it that it is so easy for a relationship to fall apart because a man wears a dress"? That is the quintessential question for me. As someone mentioned, a SO will forgive for being beaten (and she shouldn't), she can forgive for being cheated on (and probably shouldn't) and yet many cannot forgive this???? It makes no sense to me.

There is a joke that highlights the irrationality of this:

In Saudi Arabia if you steal a loaf of bread they cut off your hands, if you steal a car they cut off your legs and if you kill someone they cut off your allowance.

Punishment does not fit the crime....

Am I totally out in left field in being really perplexed by the reaction that some SOs have towards the discovery that their husband likes to dress up?

Sorry to belabor this point...and I know there is no real answer here...just quizzing the universe I guess.

Hugs
Melissa

[Helana]

Am I totally out in left field in being really perplexed by the reaction that some SOs have towards the discovery that their husband likes to dress up?

Sorry to belabor this point...and I know there is no real answer here...just quizzing the universe I guess.


The answer is human nature. We are naturally prejudiced against anything which we do not understand, which threatens us, which does not fit into our view of the world. Most of us are intelligent enough to realize that the world is not black and white and neatly compartmentalised and we make an effort to overcome our prejudices. Unfortunately there are others who never confront their prejudices, and still others who are happy to be prejudiced.

Also in today's consumer orintated, conceited society more people think they deserve the best product, and since wearing a dress does not match with the "man" they want, some women have no interest in even trying to understand what cding is about but will instead simply search for another man.

A man who beats and cheats on his SO is meeting their expectations of what a "man" is, while CDers don't. There is a perverse logic as to why some women are attracted to men who will abuse them while ignoring the nice guys. This seems to be driven by sexual desire. "Real man" turn women on while they have to learn to love the nice guys.

Luckily there are many good women out there who will make the effort to understand and love us.

[melissacd]

A wonderful and very insightful post.

Thanks
Melissa

[Stephanie]

I have to say that I have long wondered the same thing. Since I am not a GG, I can only speculate but my suspicion is that many women are not necessarily so concerned about the crossdressing per se but rather what it (may) mean for the future of their relationship, specifically whether or not their husband might progress from crossdressing occasionally to actually wanting to BECOME a woman at some point and it forces women to question their husband's sexual orientation (Helen Boyd talks at length about both of these issues in her book, "My Husband Betty"). Speaking from my own experience, those were the first two questions my wife asked me about my crossdressing and after assuring her that I have no interest in ever actually becoming a woman and that I am not gay (I actually consider myself bi but she already knows that and we have a monogamous relationship) she seems to be o.k. with my crossdressing but I'm sure that many women have similar fears that cause them to react negatively to their husband's crossdressing. Fear of children, extended family, friends, etc. finding out about their husband's crossdressing and reacting negatively to it is probably another reason that women may be hostile to it. Most women, it seems, eventually come to some acceptance of their husband's crossdressing or at least some tolerance thereof as long as there is already a firm foundation built between her and her husband and plenty of ongoing communication. Of course, there are some women who, for various reasons, can NEVER accept or even tolerate their husband's crossdressing but hopefully they are the exception rather than the rule.

[GypsyKaren]

Unfortuneately, members of the cd/tg community are considered to be perverts of the first order. We're down in the dirt with child molesters and peeping toms. You should hear the kind of talk at work about gays and tg's. I thought I was hard on myself, but society takes it up a few notches, and I don't see any big changes coming. That's why I hid in fear for so many years.
I'm very lucky. I told my wife everything,and after the initial shock wore off she investigated about us , and now she understands and supports me. And she loves me too. So there's at least one success story to be happy about.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

I think that I had answered something closely related to this, but it is worth answering again. Though I too, cannot understand what all the fuss is about, I think that it boils down to a matter of trust. Broken trust is devastating and it is so very hard to build that trust again

I think it would be the same reaction as finding out they were cheating. It is also a fact that GG's HATE having secrets kept from them. As I GG, I can tell you this is true! Whoa! That will get you in trouble too!

I just wish when it came down to it, the SO's would look closer at what is REALLY upsetting them and not blame it on CDing. There are far worse thing in life and relationships that could happen. Being in a relationship with a CD, is actually the best kind of a relationship a GG could have...

[Gozer]

How many relationships haven't ended because the man OR the woman couldn't accept that their "love" had gained weight? Or because of several other stupid little things, that shouldn't matter if you really loved each other? People break up for no reason :(

I don't know if it's my male side that makes it hard for me, as a GG, to understand how discovering that my boyfriend/husband was a crossdresser could make me feel I was lied to. It would only make me feel very sad, for him, that he had been too afraid to tell me.

[Dragster]

Stephanie,

Like you, I'm not gay and I don't want to become a girl, I just want to look like one convincingly from time to time. I'm very sure about that.........at the moment! But who knows how I will feel in 2, 5, 10 years time if I had the freedom to express my femininty by dressing more completely, more frequently, and more openly. I'm convinced that I'd still feel the same, but how can I be absolutely sure? Maybe some of our SOs have the same doubts, and that is why they are reluctant to give us the freedom we crave; they are scared that things will develop beyond their and our control until the relationship they originally bought into (man/woman) crumbles in front of their eyes. For those of us who kept the secret from our SOs for many years (myself included), there must also be a niggling doubt that we still haven't told the whole story, no matter how many times we assure them that it's only a dress (and the underwear, and the shoes, and the wig and the make-up......), and we don't want anything more. Helen Boyd explained that fear in MHB, she felt it herself, but there's no other way of finding out what will happen but to take the risk and try it. She tells that she herself, and many others, tried it, and found a deeper love, but it took a long time to re-build what had originally been shattered by the revelation or worse, the discovery. Then there were those whose fears turned out to be justified, and their relationships broke up.

I told my wife many years ago (and I don't fully dress yet), but as she said she "didn't want to know". I continued to dress, only when she wasn't in; I never told her I'd stop, and I probably would not be able to keep that promise. And with the support I've received here since I joined earlier this year, I bought Helen Boyd's book, read it, and, 3 weks ago, asked my wife to read it, chapter by chapter, and we'd discuss any issues as they came up. She has already said she could never change her mind on this subject, and she's not to my knowledge opened it yet. I'm not going to push it too hard, I value her love much more than her acceptance of me as a CDer. It'd be wonderful to have both, but time will tell.

I can see her point of view (which is where I started with this post), but we're never going to move forward unless we talk, and I've got the patience to do that for the rest of my life. At 60, I'm beginning to see time running out, and the longer it takes, the less time we'll have to enjoy ourselves. Here's hoping she reads Helen's book and changes her mind, and does it soon!

Tony

[melissacd]

Everyone, this is great! You have all given me some wonderful insights and I hope that others post more...I learn so much from you guys :)

[Vivian Best]

As I read the above posts I considered it a priviledge to belong to a forum that the members write such insightful and thoughtful posts as those above. I've been a CDr for 55+ years but I've learned more about myself and have gotten more comfortable with myself since I joined this forum last year. I don't post as much as some but I read a lot and that reading has helped me so much. I do hope that some way GGs are able to read some of the above posts, including my wife of 46 years.

Vivian