Tired

[Punkster]

I usually consider myself to be very laid back and rarely take offence at anything or anybody. If somebody mistakes my gender I usually take it with a sense of humour. Lately though I have found myself getting very aggitated and angry when this happens.

I'm not sure if its due to my current mental health situation or its because I am just fed up because I dont feel like Im moving forward right now. Maybe Im just tired of life in general.

The weird thing for me is that it really doesnt matter what other people think, it really doesnt matter that my body doesnt match who I am, the one thing am very secure about is that I know who I am on the inside. So why the hell am I feeling this way now? Why do I feel the need to have a waffle and a moan about it?

All thats left to say is grrrrrrr!

[Lisa Rose]

I know, I know I'm in the wrong neighborhood but I heard somone singing and I wanted to listen.

Punkster, I hear what you're saying it reminded me about of some of the words to a song from the Sixties. They're something like this, "...getting so much resistence from behind." I too feel that I'm just trying to be myself but the social resistance seems to be overwhelming at times. We all must walk our own path but sometimes there's a whole lot of weeds and prickley bushes in the way.

I didn't post anything there, but I enjoyed your poetry. So much poetry I don't enjoy because I don't understand it. Your words were lyrics to a song, thanks for sharing.

[CaptLex]

The weird thing for me is that it really doesnt matter what other people think, it really doesnt matter that my body doesnt match who I am, the one thing am very secure about is that I know who I am on the inside. So why the hell am I feeling this way now? Why do I feel the need to have a waffle and a moan about it?

All thats left to say is grrrrrrr!

I don't know about you, Punkster, but for me it gets real old real fast if it keeps happening over and over and over without end. I can let one or two remarks go (and even joke about it), but each one is like a punch and enough punches will knock me out. I'm sick and tired of it too. :doh:

The thing that gets me lately is the stares I keep getting. Not like out of the corner of someone's eye, but blatant in-your-face stares. I had to bite my tongue the other day not to say "WTF are you looking at?!" to like the 10th person who had stared at me the other day. :rolleyes:

[Kieron Andrew]

The thing that gets me lately is the stares I keep getting. Not like out of the corner of someone's eye, but blatant in-your-face stares. I had to bite my tongue the other day not to say "WTF are you looking at?!" to like the 10th person who had stared at me the other day. :rolleyes:

ahhh the 'what are you' stares?....instead of blatently asking you are stareing and i bet they dont even realise they are doing it half as much as they are...thats not a justification for them doing it, its totally rude but im betting you they dont realise just how much they are doing it...I actually have gotten to the point i dont care about those stares cos in my mind its so much better than being assumed to be female

[ZenFrost]

I know how that feels, especially with my grandmother at the moment. With my family I try to be understanding that my sex switch is a big change for them and takes time to get used to, but she isn't even trying. And not only will she refer to me as 'she' all the time, but she's taken to calling me 'it' and a 'she-it' a lot too. I've told her I find it dehumanizing and offensive, but she keeps it up constantly. :sadp: So I can definitely relate to the getting agitated and angry thing lately. :hugs:

[Punkster]

I know, I know I'm in the wrong neighborhood but I heard somone singing and I wanted to listen.

Punkster, I hear what you're saying it reminded me about of some of the words to a song from the Sixties. They're something like this, "...getting so much resistence from behind." I too feel that I'm just trying to be myself but the social resistance seems to be overwhelming at times. We all must walk our own path but sometimes there's a whole lot of weeds and prickley bushes in the way.

I didn't post anything there, but I enjoyed your poetry. So much poetry I don't enjoy because I don't understand it. Your words were lyrics to a song, thanks for sharing.

Hi there Lisa, I dont mind you replying here, its cool with me. The resistance is feeling like I'm being hit with a brick wall lately. Thank you for reading and enjoying my poetry,

Thanks for responding guys. The staring thing is also getting to me. Maybe Im just fed up with it all but Im feeling very disrespected and like Im a freak for people to abuse and throw treats at.

I never expected to feel like this. Is that wrong of me? Or is this a "normal" process with transistioning?

[KarenCDFL]

I do understand why you get upset by this but remember that we are the "enlightened ones".

Most people out there don't have a clue about anything and things that are different or out of the ordinary scare them.

It is really easy to get angry at the ignorant. Just try to show some pity that there are things they could never understand if they lived for 1000 years.

Who knows, in the future when a child is conceived there may be a test to see if the body matches the brain and if it does not then the doc's do a few genetic changes and then the body does.

If only that could have happened to me...:sad:

[Punkster]

I do understand why you get upset by this but remember that we are the "enlightened ones".

Most people out there don't have a clue about anything and things that are different or out of the ordinary scare them.

It is really easy to get angry at the ignorant. Just try to show some pity that there are things they could never understand if they lived for 1000 years.

Who knows, in the future when a child is conceived there may be a test to see if the body matches the brain and if it does not then the doc's do a few genetic changes and then the body does.

If only that could have happened to me...:sad:

I am upset, in fact I'm not coping very well at all with anything at the moment. I certainly dont feel very enlightened right now and that is saying a lot for me because I am also very spiritual.

I know these issues are difficult for anyone to understand, geez its difficult to understand your own process at times. Its hard to feel pity for people when they cant have any empathy for your situation. Am I just being hard about it?

Who knows what the future will hold? A test may well be a good idea and I also wish that could have happened for me.

I just feel like everything is a struggle right now, not just my gender issues, life in general, I am having a hard time getting my head around anything right now.

[wanttobejoe]

Actually I think the matching body/brain idea would NOT help me at all.

I would say my brain is somewhere inbetween male and female, so there really is not a standard male or female body that would match with it.

What really is needed is acceptance by society that gender isn't a binary thing. That there are people that don't fit the stereotypes of either gender.

[KarenCDFL]

I really feel for you. As I am sure many of us here do as well.

It is reasons like this that this forum exists so the hundreds of people here can help support you.

We don't know each other but we face some of the same challenges and with that you should know that you are not alone even though it feels that way.

I don't know if you have ever sought any kind of professional therapy but it has worked for me and my family. It took awhile to find the right therapist but luckily I did and I owe the life I live to her.

Wishing you the very best! :love:


Karen

[Punkster]

I have just recently had an assessment for my mental health. I am going to be referred to a medic to sort out my medication and to a psych to sort out therapies that may help me. If I cant get my head strong I will be referred for gender counselling and hopefully I can move forward.

I have on many occasions asked for a referral for gender counselling but there have been many things that have got in the way, such as moving town, caring for my autistic son and illness.

I have lived as a man for around five years now and I have changed my name by deed pole.

I have a lot of problems right now but my gender issues are always foremost in my mind. Everything is just driving me up the wall right now.

I love the fact that these boards exist due to the fact you can discuss your issues and gain new insight. I have always considered myself capable of coping with things alone and in my own way but I guess I am appreciating any support I can get right now.

Thanks for your comments everyone.

[deja true]

Maybe this is a little left field-ish, but doesn't it make you feel even slightly better that the lookers are at least confused about your gender? That they don't know exactly where to place you on the so-called spectrum? Aren't you buying into the binary a little by stressing so much that you are not yet perceived as your gender of choice?

There are a few here, as you must remember, that actually choose androgeny and work hard at maintaining that precarious place on the fence.

Keep smiling at the scoffers, dear one. You've already got them confused, that's a plus. I know the process is slow and waiting it out is a bitch, but your work and your strength will ultimately get you where you wanna be, where you're intended to be.

Please, punkster, if I'm out of line, I apologize. And the intent of my words is encourgement, not unappreciation for your burdensome struggle.

You have my unequivocal

respect & love,

deja

[Punkster]

Your words are not out of line at all and are indeed encouraging. I know everyone experiences things and perceives things in their own way.

I am very frustrated, fed up, depressed, angry...and probably a lot more. Thanks for allowing me to waffle on, its helping me to get a lot out of my system and to sort things out in my head.

[Felix]

I feel for ya bro deeply I really do I managed to get round the freak thing a while back but recent events as you very well know threw me back ten steps. Luckily I am gaining enough strength right now to fight this bull shit!!!! Shallow minded peeps who don't know anything, can't think laterally or fluidly it all makes me sick. You are a great guy and I am honored to be your friend.It all takes time which is so frustrating as we all know on here. I hate the system but I know I have to follow it to get what I want it sucks but there ya go!!! There is nothing wrong with how ya feel I know what ya sayin bro really I do.Society and its bloody constructs it flaming boxes it's black and white perspective on things it does my head in totally but now is the time to fight back and that is mt intention so watch out world and watch out the work place cos Felix is returning and soon too!!!! Loves ya my friend keep ya chin up and smile cos ya got a handsome cheeky one :heehee: xx Felix :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[DanielMacBride]

Hey Punkster, I understand exactly where you are at...I have been fighting the same thing, I am SO tired of people refusing to look outside the boxes, ya know? I also have other issues besides My gender that place Me under extra stress dealing with those, and some days I just don't want to get out of bed because I wonder if it's all worth it, ya know?

But I'm a stubborn sod.....I wouldn't give the a**holes the satisfaction of knowing that they broke Me, and some days that's all that keeps Me going....like you, I am totally secure in knowing who I am, regardless of what My body looks like or how others see Me, but it does get very tiring at times dealing with the inconsiderate stares and comments, ya know? To steal an old Aussie saying, how much can a koala bear? ;)

Waffle all you like, it helps and you will find that there are others here who are going through exactly what you are and know how you feel ;)

*hugs*

Daniel

[Punkster]

I think that's half the problem. If I didnt have all these other bloody issues going on maybe I would be coping with my gender issues more easily.

I also have days were I dont want to get out of bed, in fact I have days were I retreat to my room because I just cant handle being around people.

Usually I wont let the a**holes get me down, I ignore it or I make a joke out of it. Right now its like the whole world is caving in on my head and I cant escape it. I know things will get better but it doesnt feel like that right now.

[DanielMacBride]

I know exactly how that feels....I have been there more times than I care to count....it DOES get better, but in the meantime it's still a b*tch.

All I can say is hang in there, and if you need an extra shoulder to lean on, drop Me a line ;)

Daniel

[Punkster]

Daniel, thanks I will bear that in mind.

Lewis :thumbsup:

[Punkster]

Just a little update as my head is getting a bit more settled. The fiery passion has stirred in me again a little and I'm starting to fight back from the inside out. I have my appointment to sort my meds out on Tuesday so hopefully that will help.

Maybe moving back to my home town has had me down. Where I was living previously was a lot more liberal and open minded, unfortunately its not as much here.

I am feeling more alive and more positive, I'm hoping I can keep this up and keep getting stronger. Want to keep moving forward every day.

I am thankful for this message board and the good guys and ladies on it. The support here is fantastic :thumbsup:

[Taylor105]

Hey Punkster, My name is Taylor. I guess you must have come around when I was sick and not able to be here. But I just wanted to say hello and I'm glad you are feeling better. I cope with clinical depression and bipolar disorder among being a trans guy so I know how hurt you can feel at times. The fact that you and Felix are rooming together is cool to me. He's a good guy and you guys have each other for support which is awesome. Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. Glad you are feeling better.

[Punkster]

Hey Taylor glad to "meet" you, sorry to hear about you being sick, I hope you are on the road to recovery now. It is very difficult to live with other issues on top of being trans, it doesnt make for an easy life.

Another little update. Have been to see the medic today about the medication I am on. We had a long chat about my "condition" and I need to take other medication on top of my antidepressants to get me stable again. I will also be getting some therapy soon so hopefully I can get myself on the road to recovery. He assured me today that once I am strong enough I can have my gender counselling, which is excellent news.

The medication, I am hoping, is going to help a lot because it takes away the distraction of the psychosis stuff so I can concentrate on dealing with the issues that really trouble me and start living a normal, damn it I hate that word, ok a more stable life.

[Taylor105]

I'm glad to hear that you are getting onto the right meds. They make a world of difference in my life. Let me tell you that without a mood stabilzer all I do is cry and want to die. I know where you are and it's pure hell. But things will get better. Let the meds have time to kick in. Think of times that you remember that were better. It will help you remember that the bad times don't last forever. Hugs!!

[Punkster]

Thanks Taylor. reckon this is going to be a good thing....my head screams....does that make sense?

[Punkster]

I've been building up the new meds in my system since Tuesday, they have been making me very sleepy and spaced out but gradually thats getting better now. Apart from the reducing side effects I feel pretty mellow and chilled out. In fact if I was any more laid back I would be horizontal lol.

I have found a lot of my barriers are dissappearing and I am more talkative lol Usually I don't say much at all prefering to be really quiet. I guess I am rambling on here also lol.

[Wolfie]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I have only just recently started living as the man I am rather than the female body I somehow got born with.
I just wanted to post that I totally understand the depression as I have suffered with it most of my life but have been chronic for the past five years with some very close suicide attempts - and a few stays in the local mental health Unit (not a good place!) Yeah sometimes life sucks (OK it sucks a lot!) - but like others have said think of some of the better times.
And just as the old BT advert said - Its good to talk!
Take the meds, grab the therapy and chat and rant on the forum!

[Felix]

Nice one Wolfie! Had to smile at the end of your post :)

Ok the meds have settled down and Im feeling pretty good, yeah really. Its like I should have had these meds a long time ago because I havent felt this good in a long time. I am taking care of mind, body and soul now. I exercise every day, I dont let myself get stressed (mind you how thats gonna happen on these meds I dont know lol) and Im taking care of my souls requirements, by meditating and trying to find all the joy and love in life that I can.

I feel very vital....if only I could find my sex drive becuase it seems to have buggered off on holiday lol.

[Punkster]

Ah feck lol....Its not always good to share a PC....the last thread was from me not Felix lol. .....Blame the meds lmao!!!

[Taylor105]

Thanks Taylor. reckon this is going to be a good thing....my head screams....does that make sense?

I had that head screaming feeling but it was being caused by a side effect of a med. I hope you are feeling better by now. Enough time has gone by that you should be starting to adjust to the meds. If not then time to call the doc again. Hope all is better.

[Punkster]

I am feeling great! The meds have settled down nicely with only a little wooziness which doesnt last long. My moods seem to be getting more and more settled and the psychosis seems to be well at bay now.

My sex drive is still on vacation but in my case I think its a good thing lol. At least I can stay focused on dealing with me instead of my mojo leading me to places that could get me into trouble lol.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Punkster,
I think you sound very lonely at a time when you need positive, supportive people around you. I doubt very much whether your frustration toward people mistaking your gender is the real problem, as you have already said it is normally something you rise above and even joke about. This is more to do with your depression and your gender issues which is making everything else seem mountainous.
I know its easy for me to say but take each day as it comes. If you are certain of your gender then be positive about it and dont get down. Have you got anyone supporting you through all of this. If the answer is no then I think you are being rather harsh on yourself because it really is beyond me how anyone gets through the issues that you guys have to deal with on their own.
I get the impression from reading your replies that you dont particularly like yourself at the moment,, you are certainly giving yourself a hard time and being far too critical of what can only be described as perfectly normal behaviour under the circumstances. I hope I have got the wrong impression because from what you have written I see a very compassionate caring individual who is capable of reaching out to encourage others. In my book that is a very endearing quality in a human being so you have plenty to like about yourself.

I hope your soon feeling much more positive about things and I really do hope that someone out there is standing by you. Chin up and take care of yourself
Bev

[Wolfie]

Couldn't have put that better Bev.
Depression is a terrible illness that is so hard to move through. Only with good support and communication can any progress be made. It takes time and Bev is right don't beat yourself up (although so much easier said than done I know). Sometimes we focus so hard on one area of our lives we forget other parts - 'can't see the woods for the trees' I know I have been guilty of that during and still am in my current mental state, but the thing that helps the most is communication. Maybe its friends, the forum, therapist (humm not so sure on that one!) but its amazing where you can find support. I made a a good friend in the Mental Hospital - we have a pact to help keep each other alive - and she totally accepted my GID and has really helped although she knows absolutely nothing about it!
You need to communicate, its a step forward. Keep posting Punkster
Sending :hugs:
Ben

[Punkster]

Thank you Bev and Wolfie.

I wouldn't say I was lonely as such although I do have times when I am feeling very alone, which I realise is silly because I have a lot of friends around me and do not find it hard to make friends no matter how my mental state is. My family is virtualy non existant for me but it is my friends that I consider to be family. The stength in me comes from this and also from spirit as my faith is very strong.

At present I am living with my very good friend Felix who also posts on here. Felix was there for me when I needed him the most. He has put a roof over my head, given me a place to feel safe, helped me financialy and encourages me each day no matter how difficult I am being.

I do think that my gender issues are getting me down but mostly it is my mental issues which at this time have been given the diagnosis of stress related psychosis, which sounds heavy but gives me a real feeling that things can be sorted out. I have been an "out" transguy for around five years now and I am finding it harder and harder to deal with now but probably more due to the other issues I have. Due to my son's issues I was unable to procceed with transistioning, then had a breakdown caring for my son which meant again I had to forego it again, when I was living away from my hometown I started the proccess again but stopped due to moving away. I now have to wait until I am stable enough to deal with transisitioning before I can be refered again. I am very fustrated.

I dont speak to my family and is not entirely due to my gender issues, its more to do with a particulaly vicious ex partner of mine. Maybe one day I will be able to be part of the family again but right now I feel it is one more complication I can do without.

I dont like myself much at all at the momet but with each new day I am liking myself more and more. Most of my life has been centred around other peoples needs and I am finding it hard just focusing on my own needs right now. This is something I desperately need to do though.

I am giving myself a very hard time I reckon because I feel its justified. I really need to shake myslf up and sort myself ut. I feel as thoh I am moaning all the time but on the other hand alos no I need to open up and let it all out instead of letting it fester. I reckon I am much tougher on myself then I am on other people.

[Bev06 GG]

Felix sounds like a very supportive friend you are lucky to have him. Atleast that clears up one of my concerns, I couldn't think of anything worse than you being on your own.
I think you are right you have probably (Like a lot of mums) put other peoples needs before your own. Which is a good quality and very commendable, but that does make it a tad difficult when we need to do something for ourselves because we just aint used to it. Sometimes we have to be a tad selfish and get some me time, concentrate on your needs now.
I hope things start to work out for you Punkster, and I hope you end up a lot more settled and happy in yourself.
Take care
Bev

[Punkster]

Thanks Bev, in fact thanks to all of you out there that have read my posts and give me the chance to express myself.

Felix is one in a million and I do feel lucky and very privalaged to have him as a friend.

I do have a preference to living on my own but mostly because I know I am very moody and difficult to live with although Felix seems to be surviving well lol.

Mostly of course putting other people first has been around my son. My son is fabulous and I wouldn't swap him for the world, I love him to death, its just the situation we have. His autism is very severe, luckily though he is now in a full time residential school just over the bridge in Barton. He has come on leaps and bounds and I couldnt be more proud of him. I miss him all the time, we were like the dynamic duo lol.

I also have a tendancy to put everyone before myself which isnt always a good thing. With previous partners including my ex husband it has always been about their needs and I havent considered my own and in some cases felt that they havent even tried to consider mine.

I had a visit from two very close friends today and I feel really good, almost restored in a way. I miss them both very much and I was overjoyed to see them, they are my family.

I am starting to beleive in myself again which I havent done in a while. The path I am on isnt going to be an easy journey for me, I need to be fixed and get well again, but I am feeling more and more prepared for it. With just an ounce of faith in myself and in the Gods I can go a long way.

One step at a time.

[Carroll]

I have on many occasions asked for a referral for gender counselling but there have been many things that have got in the way, such as moving town, caring for my autistic son and illness.


I am not sure how many people missed that comment, but I didnt. Your last post says that your son is seriously autistic . That can drain even the strongest of men and women. I only deal with a very small taste with my daughter who has Asbergers. My wife babysits for my former band mate and they have a 12y old boy that is non-verbal and a 24/7 care. I have watched him a few times, along with his 9 year old sister, my 6 year old daughter and my 9 year old son. After just two hours I swear I needed to have a drink and had lot more hair missing. From what I have read, you are doing an awesome jod...keep up the great work Punkster:hugs:

[Punkster]

Thank you for being able to understand that Carroll. I still fight very hard to keep my energy levels up even though my son lives apart from me now. This is in now way a slight at anyone but a lot of people dont understand the enrgy it takes from you and it is good to hear from some one who has some clue as to what my body and mind have gone through.

Thank you for saying I am doing an awesome job, it helps me feel good about myself. I am determined to get back on my feet and find "Lewis" again because Lewis is hiding under all these layers of things that are weighing me down,

I am definately feeling much stronger now. I am having more good days than bad days now. I am still keeping my body as fit as I can by exercising 6 days a week as well as yoga. I meditate as often as I can and I am trying to keep myself busy.

One of the side effects of the medication I am on is weight gain. When I moved back to my home town I was only nine stone and was hoping to gradually put weight on to around eleven stone. Unfortunately I am now 12 stone which is way too heavy, I dread to think how much weight I would have put on if I wasnt exercising! I wouldn't mind if I was 12 stone of muscle but I am not lol. My son noticed straight away when I went to see him, he poked my belly and giggled when he came to great me lol.

I have found I am able to go out more and more. I think I am starting to get around my social phobias now and becoming more and more relaxed with everything. I even went bowling the other night, I played really badly but I had a good time and didnt feel very anxious at all. Mind I have pulled a muscle in my glutimous maximous lol.

[Punkster]

I have some great news. My shrink says I am doing really well and stabalising well. He is making me another appointment to talk about being referred for gender counselling.

I am over the moon with it because I thought it would be a long way off but he's really pleased with how my medication is helping me and how far I have come.

It feels good to have some positive news and something positive to look forward too. I am on cloud nine :)

[Kieron Andrew]

I have some great news. My shrink says I am doing really well and stabalising well. He is making me another appointment to talk about being referred for gender counselling.

I am over the moon with it because I thought it would be a long way off but he's really pleased with how my medication is helping me and how far I have come.

It feels good to have some positive news and something positive to look forward too. I am on cloud nine :)

:) well done..you did all the hard work, you rightly should feel on cloud nine :D

[Punkster]

Thanks Kieron :D

[ZenFrost]

Good to hear you're feeling more stable. :smilep:

[Punkster]

Thanks Zen its good to feel this way :D

[Wolfie]

It seems as if things are looking up. I hope things go from strength to strength, there will be bad patches but you have come some a long way. Take courage and remember how far you have already come. I work with children with special needs and know how hard it is (and have a step son who also has some very special needs) to keep up the courage, energy and sometimes the fight to love and protect those closest and dearest and most vulnerable to us. Never give up fighting through the layers - he takes it all in just is unable to express in a way we can understand - yet.

[Taylor105]

Thank you for being able to understand that Carroll. I still fight very hard to keep my energy levels up even though my son lives apart from me now. This is in now way a slight at anyone but a lot of people dont understand the enrgy it takes from you and it is good to hear from some one who has some clue as to what my body and mind have gone through.

Thank you for saying I am doing an awesome job, it helps me feel good about myself. I am determined to get back on my feet and find "Lewis" again because Lewis is hiding under all these layers of things that are weighing me down,

I am definately feeling much stronger now. I am having more good days than bad days now. I am still keeping my body as fit as I can by exercising 6 days a week as well as yoga. I meditate as often as I can and I am trying to keep myself busy.

One of the side effects of the medication I am on is weight gain. When I moved back to my home town I was only nine stone and was hoping to gradually put weight on to around eleven stone. Unfortunately I am now 12 stone which is way too heavy, I dread to think how much weight I would have put on if I wasnt exercising! I wouldn't mind if I was 12 stone of muscle but I am not lol. My son noticed straight away when I went to see him, he poked my belly and giggled when he came to great me lol.

I have found I am able to go out more and more. I think I am starting to get around my social phobias now and becoming more and more relaxed with everything. I even went bowling the other night, I played really badly but I had a good time and didnt feel very anxious at all. Mind I have pulled a muscle in my glutimous maximous lol.

I know I am forever late posting on this but I wanted to congratulate you for keeping with the meds and getting better. :) I know how hard it is to deal with chemical imbalances in the brain. I take several meds for depression and anxiety myself, as well as insomnia. Then of course I want to start T soon. So there will be the needle up the ass. LOL As far as the weight gain goes, I hated that side effect on one of my meds so I weaned off and tried something else. Good luck on your meds and I hope they are still working out for you. Big hugs!!