A Broken Switch? Partial transformations, and CD crossroads

[Shy Charlotte]

Hi Gals, me again...

In speaking with some of our younger members, and reading the posts of many older members, I wonder if there's some sort of trans-gendered crossroad one reaches where the thrill of dressing loses its flair. I know many, if not all of you have purged at one point or another, and have come back stronger than ever. After my last purge, I remember shopping and feeling the thrill of the chase, but after transformation I came to the realization that A. I wasn't a woman, B. Never will be, C. Probably will never pass as one, and D. Should stop trying?

I was looking back on how I got started on our mutual adventure, and it started with a grandmother letting me try on her knee highs. Got addicted to the feel of those, moved on to pantyhose, moved on to the whole nine yards of make-up, shoes, dresses, wigs, you name it. Grew up ackward, never fitting in because I knew that I was different from everyone else and if anyone ever found out I'd be crucified. Those who did now (my parents) were always harsh in that regard and said how I was shaming myself and family, and asked if I was gay (heaven forbid! Oh, I'm not by the way).
Finally came out to my closest friend, who was kinda uncomfortable about it but accepted me none the less (although is bothered when I show up femmed). Finally met an TG organization that helped me come to terms with being ok with myself. Hmm, then finally met up with my current girlfriend, who finds the whole thing kinky and loves it (she keeps trying to get me to sleep with a guy, but nope. That's her kick, not mine.) Was standing in the mirror with her one day, her wearing something sexy, and me wearing something sexy, and realized that there was no way I could compare.

CD life in a nutshell. Sorry to bore you all. I was just trying to find the turning point, because only recently I noticed that when I change into my alter-ego (no, not Batman), I don't feel the pink curtain come down, as it were. Sure, I'm better at dressing and have better techniques than when I started, but at the same time I don't FEEL like a woman anymore, just like a guy with a tight dress on and too much makeup. Before, even the thought of dressing up was met with a kind of giddy anticipation, and a tingling at the base of the neck. Now if I do it at all it almost seems rote, like a force of habit.

Alot of psychologists think that in order to be a CD, we have to have a chemical disposition, and emotional triggers at the right time and the right place. Do the effects of those triggers go away? If one matures and feels more accepted by society, does a subconscious part do away with inclinations to alienate oneself from society? Is this just a super-purge that will come back as strong as ever, or is it a subconscious rejection of the external female expression, determined by a mental realization that the fem self isn't necessary/required? Gad knows our lives would be simpler (although less exotic) if we gave up the silk.

I know alot of you have much more experience than I do, and I would love to hear your take and experience, and any suggestions.

Thanx and sorry this reads like a bad thesis,

Hugz & Kisses,
The Long-winded Introspective One

[Jenny Beth]

Hi Charlotte,


I guess you could say I am one of the older more experienced ones. (God I hate the sound of that).For me, passing as woman isn't as important as it once was. The reason many of us want to pass is so that people don't think we are guys in dresses, it's as simple as that. We don't want to be harassed so the more believable we look the better the chance of getting away with it. Although I have a feminine side I have never thought of myself as a woman. However after years of dressing, some of us begin to realize that there is more female in us than male. When we accept this as part of us the clothes become less important and are not THE reason we dress. So when I go out I am in a different frame of mind, I am not trying to pass as a woman, I am being myself, I just happen to be in a dress. I don't deny that it's a wonderful feeling to get away with it but it's not the end of the world when I get noticed either.
When we are out there we have to be proud of what we are. It's the ability to waltz up to the cashier or whoever with whatever and do our thing as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Confidence, that's what society needs to see in us to be taken seriously. Well, that's my thoughts anyway!!

Jenn

[CDKathy]

First, I want to thank you for that post. It was one of the most introspective I have seen on this board in a while.

I don't have the answer to all of your questions. Not sure anyone does. We are all different. The ebbs and flows of crossdressing are different for each of us as are the feelings we get from it. I know that, when I was younger and was in an intimate relationship, the desire to dress would go away completely. At that time, dressing was a sexually motivated thing for me and, when my needs were being met by my SO, I didn't need to dress at all. When the relationship ended, yup, right back to the panties. ;)

As I got older,the dressing changed from sexual to a more emotional outlet for me. But I still hadn't really accepted that part of my personality. I went through many purges. But was always back in the stores within a month.

I never had access to a site like this so I was trying to figure things out on my own. Several years ago, when I did have access to the net, I was able to do more research, find books to read, etc. That's when I started to accept myself for who and what I am. But I was still doing it on my own. During these past few years, my dressing has evolved again. Now, I am totally in control. I wear womens' clothing or not by my choice. I am totally the same person regardless of what I am wearing. If I choose to wear femenine clothing, I choose what I feel will be most comfortable.

I must say that over the years, I have never felt like a woman either in part or in whole. I have always been just a guy who enjoys femenine things. I have had no need for makeup. I have never felt the need or desire to go out in public or attempt to "pass".

I have only felt the need to be me. It has taken many years to get here but I believe I have finally achieved that goal.

I hope that, with the resources available to you today, it won't take you 50 years to find acceptance within yourself.

[Andreu]

First of all I want to give you a web address , just I discovered a few days ago : http://www.theredhood.net/infinite/spectrums.html about Sex and Gender identity and Orientation.
I agree with most of your perceptions , but I want to add some small variations.
Why dresses women ? , I mean why they need to be beautifull ? , Mostly because they like to show atractive to someone , first they like to see themsleves beautifull on the mirror but the strong point is to seduce to opposite sex.
I really like dressing because my wife is mad about it , she is always thinking in buying me some dress or bracelet or shoes and telling me what should I combine with that or that.
As far as she likes to crossdress as a man , I am often thinking in buying her some male shirt or what a trick we may use to make her appear higher than me when we go out. I must say that she is a beautiful female with a lot of very sexy curves , which we have a lot of trouble in hidding.
I see that mostly of the CD's meets perhaps "comprensive women" but this is not the point , the perfect matching couple for a MtF CD is a women who likes fem things and enjoys trying male role on society.
It is exaclty the same for Fetishism or Sado , SM , if you enjoy sex with bondage etc , it is not enough to find a "comprensive women" you need to find out the complement for the game. Once you meet it then everything makes sense !!!
Last week my wife bought for me a couple of shoes , one was a white thong with a 1 1/4 heel , and a Sandal from Josef .... in red color , both for women , and I wear its normally (without polish in the nails) with man clothes.
Last saturday night , I dressed to go out with her and wore the red ones but with red polish on my feet .
Also I want to add , that it is extremely easy to pass if you are a couple , for the street people it is imposible to think that in one cople the man is a women and the women is a man , when we do that she wears special shoes with 4" heel so to make her higher than me , needless to say that the heel is invisible !!!
I don't want to make it longuer , but I think that Crossdressing has a clear meaning if you find the right partner.
We both are hetero in sex.