Physical, Mental or Social Transition?

[CaptLex]

Which is harder, in your opinion? What's been your experience? Obviously, this question is for those who have begun transitioning (however you define it: RLE, hormones, etc.) or feel that they are done transitioning.

I started my transition over two years ago, but I'm not done yet. I've come a long way (in all areas), but I suppose I won't feel completely "done" until I can look the way I want to (for me that means until I can have top surgery), and until I get accepted as male more often than not.

Despite my lack of opportunity (or cash, actually) for surgery, I would say the physical transition has been easier than the other parts. The hormones have done a lot of the work there (and will continue to do so, I presume), so all I have to do is make sure I can keep taking the shots regularly - which means looking after my health.

The social transition is less of an uphill climb these days, but there's still much to do. I still have to remind people of the proper pronouns :rolleyes: and point out when someone treats me "like a girl". :doh: I know some people just need time, but I also realize there are some people that will never really get it. They may "know" intellectually, but their attitude speaks volumes about their ignorance on the matter.

The mental transition has gotten to a point I didn't expect. Growing up I felt like a boy in a girl's body and it was always a bit of a shock when I looked in a mirror. Now I don't really "feel" like anything - just me. So when I look in the mirror now I don't really expect to see anything in particular, and a lot of it surprises me: "Hey, where did that beard come from? Oh yeah, that's mine now." or "Oh lordy, I forgot . . . I still have boobs . . . damn, I thought those would be gone by now!" :p

So anyone else? What's been the hardest for you? :raisedeyebrow:

[Kieron Andrew]

So anyone else? What's been the hardest for you? :raisedeyebrow:

Whats been the hardest for me so far? the social side of transitioning....getting the one in every 3 look of 'oh actually you are a girl' :doh:....mentally i did my transitioning a long ass time ago...so have come to a sort of a peace within myself (until like you i see the chest)....Physical transition to look like a boy has been quite easy going in a lot of respects as i can pass androgenous pretty well i think (what do you think? :heehee:) again except for the chest.....

is this what you meant? lol

[CaptLex]

i can pass androgenous pretty well i think (what do you think? :heehee:)
I see "boy", but it might be true that other people see androgynous . . . :idontknow:


is this what you meant? lol
Yeah, I think you covered all the bases. :thumbsup: (baseball reference ;))

[Kieron Andrew]

I see "boy", but it might be true that other people see androgynous . . . :idontknow:
I think other tranisitioners or t-people in general...will see the gender you are 'trying' to perceive, but thats not always the same for the outside world which is who i was mainly referring to when i said people see me as an androgynous

[Victoria Anne]

I am still just in the begining of my transition to what ever extent it may be , that being said the social and emotional aspects are on an even if not equally difficult for me.

[Cai]

Honestly, the physical passing side of things has been hardest for me so far.

Emotionally, I made my peace with my trans status almost as soon as I figured it out. I'm still dealing with some of the ramifications of it (my orientation is a biggie) but mostly it doesn't bother me.

Socially. the people I care about have been very accepting. The people who aren't okay with it are not really a major part of my life. And people I'm not friends with...well, they can go jump off a bridge if they don't like my gender.

But physically, I don't pass for anything, especially after I start talking. When I do pass, it's as a 14-year-old. I'm just overall so small for a guy - short, small hands, small feet, etc. I've started a savings account for top, and have been diverting part of my paychecks there, but unless I'm shirtless even top isn't going to make much of a difference for me, as I'm not big there to begin with.

[Kieron Andrew]

But physically, I don't pass for anything, especially after I start talking.toffee!!!:doh:

[Cai]

toffee!!!:doh:

???

[Kieron Andrew]

???

pish, tosh, crap....you pass

[Cai]

pish, tosh, crap....you pass

Need to get caught up on my British slang, apparently. :heehee:

I can pass on first glance about half the time, it's maintaining it that's the issue.

[CaptLex]

pish, tosh, crap....you pass
Yeah I think you pass too, Cai . . . but you're very mature for a 14-year-old. :heehee:

[Cai]

Maybe I'm more confident (and therefore pass better) when I'm around you guys. Bailey did say she noticed I acted differently at Prom, more assertive and confident without being pushy.

There's also a social aspect of things: most friend groups are single-sex. So me in the middle of a group of girls means I'm probably a girl, whereas in the middle of a group of guys I'm probably a guy. And because of school, 95% of the time I'm with a pack of girls.

[Kimberley]

I think that transition requires all three and if you follow the model of Vivienne Cass for Self Acceptance, then this is the primary factor. Without that, then any other efforts seem to be moot in my opinion. In the end I think it just comes down to being comfortable with who you are as opposed to what others think you should be. It is the battle we all face and it comes down to our being able to tell others to shove off.

Physical is physical. Hormones and surgery can fix that but if you arent comfortable with yourself. then socialization will never happen and to me, being in that realm is the end of the journey for transition. The physical side of things are only the wrapping for the package. Just my thoughts.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

I think that transition requires all three and if you follow the model of Vivienne Cass for Self Acceptance, then this is the primary factor.
Who? :raisedeyebrow:

[Sharon]

My mental transition is complete and the physical is good enough that it doesn't cause too much confusion.

I'm still dealing with the social transitioning as well, however. Whereas, in the past, I was patient and understanding in allowing people(family mostly) to get used to the name change and appropriate pronouns, I no longer am and constantly correct them. I tell them that my "aheming" them is the only way that this confusion will end and it has to end now.

[melissaK]

Transitioning in a closet as I am, my comments are limited. I do think that there's an adjustment to being who we physically are vs who we fanatsize transitioning will let us become. For example, Cai complained of the reality of small hands and feet for a guy. A lot of the mtf's complain of the opposite. So I think there is some adjustment to the fantasy of who we want to be, and the reality of who we can be because of physical limits. I'd love to become Kirsten Dunst, but it won't happen. Adjustment to that reality affects my mental health and outlok too.

hugs,
'lissa

[Kimberley]

Who? :raisedeyebrow:

Dr. Vivienne Cass is a clinical psychologist who set out a linear model for coming out. While intended for the LGB community much of it applies to us as well. As I said though, it is linear and therefore assumes that each stage has to be "completed" before advancing.

It is an interesting theory but I believe that in our situation we tend to move around it more making it less linear but we also cover the same bases.

Here is a link that explains it.

http://www.drury.edu/multinl/story.cfm?nlid=152&id=13258

:hugs:
Kimberley

[melissaK]

Kim, I haven't read that for quite a few years. It was worth the review time.
Hugs,
'lissa

[GypsyKaren]

The mental part wasn't too bad at all because I've been at this for a long time. The physical, recovering from my surgery was obviously tough, but I'm over that. The social thing was the hardest, it took some time for me to get used to the stares and such, and for my confidence to grow. Everything opened up for me once I accepted the fact that I don't pass, and I'm okay with that and myself now.

I also believe that I will never finish transitioning because it's been a time of growth and discovery for me, and I have so much more to learn about myself.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Lisa Rose]

Social. It's a very scary world out there.

[John]

Pysical has bean the hardest as yet. I'm bateling my way through the NHS system so I've had no pysical treatment as of yet, but I have quite a high and girly voice, a verry feminin face, and more curves than I'd know what to do with. My only pysical advantige is that I'm tall enough that hight dosn't stop me passing (exept when seen with men from my family, where 6ft is about averidge).

Mental hasn't bean all that hard, and most of the people I know just say, 'oh, right. What am I calling you know then?' (with the inevitable penis questions to follow).

[Sonia Kiss]

Captain,

Your question has been bugging me and I've been thinking about it for two days now. I have to confess that I'm all hung up on the physical. I stress over performance and presentation incessantly. Here, I'll prove it and stress for you right here. No, never mind, I just deleted all that. *sigh* Anyway, the social has always been a fun adventure for me. I eagerly worked through that my first year and am happy to just be growing up at a normal rate now. Mental just comes with time. I searched for answers at first, but they just had to appear in their own time. They're really nice surprises when they come.

Sonia

[Felix]

Although I'm not on 'T' yet as such I feel I have been slowly and I mean slowly beginning my transitioning journey for at least the last two years. What is the hardest? Well I think all three are hard in their own ways. I'm finding the social side of things really hard right now because I'm on the edge of asking to be called him and so on and so forth and although I'm very visible with my masculinities it's still confusing at times for other peeps. I find myself being driven to box myself face my own demons if you like to satisfy societies crazy need for black and white. I'm so frustrated with it all. Mentally I have been finding it challenging but ok really. Physically I get fed up with my body which has never felt right since I was a child but I guess I really didn't know why and now I do its cos its the wrong body if I'm really honest!!!! :Angry3::eek: I get so fed up of having to bind its getting me down loads again. My voice well thats deep for a woman but it does go up on occasion and lets me down. So physically yean at the moment finding it well hard as hard as the social aspects definitely xx Felix :hugs:

[DanielMacBride]

I find the psychological side of transitioning is the hardest for Me, I have kind of managed to come to terms for the most part with the fact that I will never have the body I should have (and like Felix, I didn't know that it was the wrong one for the LONGEST time, knew SOMETHING was wrong but only recently understood WHAT)...I know that My transition is going to have to happen slowly and thats okay, I can deal with that because there are good reasons and as long as I can see SOMETHING moving, it's all good.

The social side is pretty much a non-issue for Me so far, I have a lot of great friends that I hang out with and have never had too many hassles from anyone about being trans (and those I have had, I have shot back just as much attitude as I get, and that tends to stop the smart*sses in their tracks).

But the psychological side for Me is the hardest....a lot of what I am integrating now is kind of a new understanding of gender as opposed to the very intense gender binary conditioning I had drummed into Me by My Ukrainian mother, and sometimes it just plain does My head in because non-trans folk just don't GET it, and a lot of trans people don't either because so many of the ones I talk to are still stuck in the binary and don't like to acknowledge that gender is a lot more fluid and broader to define than the binary allows. And being a perfectionist by nature (a trait which often makes Me My own worst enemy because I am hypercritical with Myself), it really f**ks with Me at times, like I can wake up and go "WTF are you DOING, you can't POSSIBLY be a guy in a girl's body...." and it takes a LOT of arguing with Myself to get around the mindf**k factor...

I also often find Myself mentally judging My behaviour as either "too girly" or "guys don't DO that!" and I often have trouble reconciling the female socialisation that I was brought up with, with the man I am...I don't know if that's partly from the effects of the T, or if it's the remnants of My rigid gender conditioning as a kid, or whether it's the intense fear of what others will think and how they will judge Me that My mother instilled in Me and that I have worked for 3yrs so far to try to get out from under in therapy (along with the rest of her BS, that woman has a LOT to answer for....)

I know it's ridiculous to judge Myself in that way, but it happens, a LOT...I think I am also more aware of being in a situation where I am forced to behave MORE masculine than your average male because I am being monitored by the gender pshrink and those who judge how "eligible" we are to start transition, and I HATE the binary with a passion because it means that if I were to express My gender in the ways I feel most comfortable with, I would likely be denied access to the T I now have and would be told I am not who I am, just based solely on appearance and certain aspects of My behaviour that I see no reason to change because they are who I am and I am (for the most part) comfortable with that. It's other people's reactions that get to Me the most and start Me on the self-doubt trips....as the pshrink put it, intense trauma can do one of two things, it can make you stronger, or it can make you vulnerable, and I noted to him that I know I tend to skate between the two, and it is when I am feeling more vulnerable that the opinions and judgements of others hurt Me the most and make Me wonder at times WTF I am doing and why the hell I am transitioning and really mess with My head.

Of course, when the storm passes I am fine with it again, but I find at the moment (while I am still on very low doses of T) I have a lot of "feminine" feelings that bother Me and I know they shouldn't, because they haven't till now, but they do and I know it's mainly because I am forced to fit the "one size fits all" definition of "Male" and I HATE that.

I DETEST the binary and the stupid system that works on it and punishes those of us who would dare not to fit it.

[melissaK]

Well said MacBride. Change all the gender references 180* and its a lot of what I feel, or have felt, especially when you said "like I can wake up and go WTF are you DOING, you can't POSSIBLY be a guy in a girl's body...." I concede Felix a point in that "all three are hard in their own ways." They are so interrelated . . . . And today is Father's Day here in the states, do they have that in the UK? Its the follow-up to May's Mother's Day. Institutionalization of the binary system . . . Perhaps "Parents Day" would be more appropriate?

hugs,
'lissa

[DanielMacBride]

Hi Melissa,

I don't know about the UK, but here in Australia Father's Day is the first Sunday in September (although Mother's Day is in May like everywhere else)....I agree that a Parents Day would probably be better - I mean here they even have a Grandparents Day - not Grandmothers Day and Grandfathers Day, so why the distinction with parents? (although that's one thing I do get a bit of a giggle out of with My eldest son, he says now that I have come out as trans, I get presents on both Mother's and Father's Day LOL....)

And I also agree with Felix about all three aspects of transitioning being hard and being so intertwined...how you do at one aspect or other always impacts on how you do with the others, and everyone deals with the aspects differently (you can see that even in the replies to this thread, different people find different aspects harder than others).

[Felix]

Hi Daniel Bro I underdstand exactly where you are coming from with the gender binary thing really I do because it messes with ya head something chronic especially if ya got a more fluid concept of things like me and it sounds like you have to hun!! I know what I think but it would freak most peeps out so unfortunately have to stick as much as I hate it within some sort of binary norm, otherwise like you I probably won't get the 'T' Dam the system right on bro I am definitely with ya on that one!!! xx Felix :hugs:

[melissaK]

Daniel,
Sorry about the country error. On the binary gender deal, I found that a past issue of International Journal of Transgenderism has an article which I think is about just what your complaining of: http://www.haworthpress.com/store/Toc_views.asp?sid=VCJ1X74GSTQH8GXJGNPK28F5ECU10602&TOCName=J485v08n01_TOC&desc=Volume%3A%208%20Issue%3A%201

hugs,
'lissa

[Suzy Harrison]

This thread is very relevant to me as I'm just taking my first steps into transitioning.

So far, what I thought would be my biggest obstacle, my employer, has turned out to be very understanding and very supportive.

I have a long way to go, but am very encouraged so far. However the list of obsticles ahead of me seems quite daunting:-

Friends, family, others at work, customers I deal with at work, physical side of transitioning (including pain), the social side, being accepted in public, coming to terms with the final change, relating with male friends in the future.

But taken one step at the time will see me through. Without the support from this forum it would be so much harder, so I'm so grateful and happy to be here.

[CaptLex]

I have a long way to go, but am very encouraged so far. However the list of obsticles ahead of me seems quite daunting
Best of luck, Suzy, and you know who to rant to when any of it starts getting to you . . . Karen! :heehee:

Just kidding . . . we're all here to listen and impart any words of wisdom. :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

This thread is very relevant to me as I'm just taking my first steps into transitioning.

But taken one step at the time will see me through. Without the support from this forum it would be so much harder, so I'm so grateful and happy to be here.

That's the way to do it, so you're off to a good start and I think you'll do just fine. One thing I can tell you is this: yes, there are the fears, and yes, there can be bumps in the road, but don't assume the worse and that bad things will happen, that's a big mistake. I've found that people who loved you before will still love you, and those that didn't still won't. That's not to say that everyone will understand or accept you immediately because some will need time, so just be patient and let everyone take it one step at a time like you.


you know who to rant to when any of it starts getting to you . . . Karen! :heehee:

Some fan club I got going here...Anyways, I've said this a whole bunch of times to a whole bunch of people, I am here for you and everyone, anytime and every time, I try my best to be of help in anyway.