My Wife just found out

[Shadow]

After 6 yrs of marrage my wife came home from 2nd shift early sick . She found me sittting in the living room dressed in pretties. Now she goes cold if I touch her and tells me she can't make love with that picture in her head. Is it time to start the divorce papers or can wives get past this

[Kieron Andrew]

After 6 yrs of marrage my wife came home from 2nd shift early sick . She found me sittting in the living room dressed in pretties. Now she goes cold if I touch her and tells me she can't make love with that picture in her head. Is it time to start the divorce papers or can wives get past this

keep the lines of communication open, let her talk..you listen ALOT...keep asking her to talk about it!!!

[Deanna2]

Sounds a bit early for an end play. I'd go with your second thought. How long ago did the incident happen?

[jenny logan]

Mine found out after 20 years of marriage. Lots of anger, tears, resentment and grief. Eventually after many long hours of honest and open soul baring communication, some counseling and time she came to accept and encourage my cding. It wasn't easy nor was it quick, but in the end our love and respect for each other saved our marriage. We are now as close as we have ever been and it was worth all the work. Good luck to you and your SO.

Jenny L.

[Daintre]

Shadow, your SO is in shock...she comes home and sees her man in "pretties" She needs honesty, she needs to go through a whole series of emotions, denial, anger, there are more but you get the point.

Your marriage is not over, your SO needs time and you need to be ready with honest detailed answers and reasons.

Hopefully if you two can come to grips with this and find a way to accommodate it, then you two should be able to forge a new relationship.

[christinac]

keep the lines of communication open, let her talk..you listen ALOT...keep asking her to talk about it!!!

Only time will tell, but Kieron is dead on target with keeping the lines of communication open. That is a must at all cost. Give it time for the dust to settle down before thinking anything at all about divorce. That was a pretty good size bomb if she had no idea or clue about the situation, don't let it turn into a nuke because with a bomb there is a chance for restoration and repair, but a nuke pretty much vaporizes everything.

[Shadow]

Sounds a bit early for an end play. I'd go with your second thought. How long ago did the incident happen?

2 days ago . She preceded to get drunk , I downloaded and printed some info on CD for her but now I'm getting everything from " would you lik me to help you with makeup" (I have a full hells angles beard) to " Who gets the 4 wheeler" .

[Jilmac]

If I were you, I wouldn't jump into anything as drastic as divorce. At this point you have to take things slow. Is she willing to talk without all the rants that usually come along with the shock? Even if she blows off some steam, at least try talking to her but tread carefully and take her feelings into account. She could be feeling al sorts of feelings including dismay, anger,hurt, sadness, shock, and surprise. if she starts to talk but then decides to call it off, give her time and space. Most of all, show her all the love and support you can, she needs it now more than ever. Luv and :hugs: Jill

[MJ]

go at her pace take your time and talk to her

[Elizabeth2-]

This is the big test. You do not need to be alone. A repaired relationship is always better than a broken one.

[Maria2222]

My wife found out in a similar way. You need to give it a lot of time. Your wife is trying to accept that the man she married isn't the man that she thought she married. This may take several years.
Encourage her to do research on the internet about CD's. If she doesn't know how to do it, you need to help her with that as you already have.
I'd stress to her that this isn't a choice that you made, but an inborn part of you. I think that's what helped my wife accept things.
It sounds like you're a masculine man which makes it hard for your wife to accept this. My wife pictured me as the strong, masculine construction superintendent and I am, but she's been able to accept my being a CD. Your wife can too, but don't push her too hard. It may take years, but you'll be very happy and relieved if it works out ok.
You also want to stress that nothing's going to change. She isn't going to lose her husband and that you still love her and want to be with her forever as her husband.
You might also refer her to support groups such as A Crossdresser's Secret Garden on Yahoo, or maybe even to some of the wives on this site.
I hope this helps. I'll be thinking of you. If things work our ok, you'll probably find that you're very relieved about not having to hide things anymore. I know I am.
Be patient and good luck.

[KarenCDFL]

Give her a lot of time. And then give her some more.

Keep the lines of communications wide open!

And before you get a lawyer, get a marriage therapist.

The both of you can work this out so it is comfortable for both of you.

[Angie G]

I got my wife to let me wear a skirt one very hot day it led to panties tops and all the rest when she asked if the things she found ( a dress a blouse) some time before this I told her they were mine. She asked If I had dressed before what she knew about I told her yes well after all the normal questions are you gay do you want to be a girl and so forth. she was somewhat Ok with it and even more so as time pasted . You muse let her know you love her with all your heart If she will talk about it give her true answers I can't say she will come around but she may So hang in there don;t give up so easily hun :hugs:
Angie

[unclejoann]

When I finally introduced my wife to my dressing she did not like it, so I just avoided doing it around her. But as time has passed I began painting my toenails and do a pretty complete body shave most of the time. She called that "annoying" when she would see me. But I simply continued to do it, offered to talk (but she isn't talking), and tried to keep it out of her sight as much as practical (but like, holy cow, I do take my socks off once in awhile).

But I think the thing that is beginning to bring her around is when I spend the entire day doing hard physical work around the house on her pet projects (like painting, gardening, to extremes you wouldn't believe). And then afterwards, in the evening, I clean up and repaint my toenails while watching tv with her. She no longer complains, I think she believes that I have earned it after a hard day's work (as if the office isn't hard enough). Working hard on her pet projects is convincing her that I love her and am not headed for a sex change any time soon.

[JoAnnDallas]

I told my wife a little over a year ago. She too was shocked about it. We entered into a "No Ask, No Tell" phase. Then one day about 2 months ago, we ended up face-to-face with me fully dressed. we at down and talk for a few hours. It turns out she had this preconceived notion about what a CDing is, how we dressed, how we acted, and etc. When we sat and talked she realized that her image of a CDer was wrong and I was still the same man she married 25 years before. Now she has accepted my CDing, has seen me dressed, helped me get dressed, helped me shop for heels, and now has seen pictures of myself and my Tri-Ess sisters. She was surprised that we looked like normal females. In fact she mistook one of the wives for a CDer.

Give a little time and then see if you can get her to sit down and talk to you. Lay it all out to her. Make sure you get the point across that it is you, you were born this way, and it does not go away. Once she gets over the shock, life may well get better. Just keep the communication lines open. Don't give up yet. OK

[Sally2005]

Well... I think you have to take her up on her offer to help. It is also bad to drink alone so make a party out of it. It might be a good start to tell her you want to experiment with her help...for fun to see how passable you could look. Take this with a grain of salt, I've not gone through exactly the same.

[NatalieBliss]

I think it may prove useful to think how you would feel if the situation was reversed. That is to say, you come home sick from work and your wife is on the couch wearing a male style wig, maybe a fake beard and is dressed all in male clothes. Really think about it too. Being a crossdresser it is easy to say you'd be cool with it, and heck maybe that is how you would honestly feel, but really think about it. That is just my :2c: and at any rate I wish you and your wife a long and happy marriage. :hugs:

[jamie55]

Hi Shadow: Nifty name. Not to be discouraging but 2 days is such a very short time. It may take a long time, I'm on 4 yrs since coming out to my so, or it may only be a short time as some in here have posted, or worst case it may never happen. You just have to take it one day at a time and at her pace and guidance. Just don't ever lie to her when she asks questions, always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If you don't know the answer to her question tell her so, and then do some research. You can get a lot of answers in here when you need to.

[Nikki K]

Hang in there, but take it very slow.

I disclosed to my SO just a couple of weeks back; we have talked everyday since.At first the shock nearly killed her; she believe our marriage was a sham, her trust was betrayed, she didn't want another girlfriend, the husband she loved had been stolen.

As the shock subsides, and the reassurances pour from your heart, the discussion slowly become less painful, less spiteful, with more understanding rather than accusation.

However, too much information too soon can result in overload, so tread very slowly. Let her set the pace, not you, but make sure that you do talk a little everyday and do a lot of listening. Roll with the punches and don't counter or block them. She is going to be angry inside for quite some time to come; she is going to be confused, scared, and disappointed.

Finally, alcohol is not an answer for either of you. When was the last time you had a rational discussion on a sensitive subject whilst intoxicated. Sure, have a beer or a glass of wine to ease the inhibitions but be moderate. (BTW: I enjoy getting smashed like the next girl but now's simply not the right time.)

This will take a lot of work but I strongly recommend you keep the lawyers out of it. A counsellor will help (mine has been a huge help) but a lawyer will just rape your pocket book.

Good luck.

[KATIE TV]

Sorry to hear of your situation, Give her time, but if she dosn't come round, "How will you feel" can you live without cross dressing? You could make promisses not to do it again and throw out your clothes, (I have done that more than once in the past) but if it's in your make up you will be very unhappy, You only have one life LIVE IT, I was the one who decided to end my marriage & find a new partner who would love me for who I am, I did & she loves Katie, but I am still a man and now very happy with my life. I hope you will find the same happyness in your life,
Love, Katie, X
PS. As "sarcasm" is the lowest form of personal attack, You could take up her offer of help with your make up and shave off your beard and put the ball back in her court.
(just an idea)

[TSchapes]

A book written by an SO that is very supportive is "My Husband Wears My Clothes" (http://www.amazon.com/Husband-Wears-Clothes-Crossdressing-Perspective/dp/096267625X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213181218&sr=8-1) by Peggy Rudd. In there she talks about the stages that she went through with her husband. The stage your wife is in right now is one of loss. The man she married is now gone, and she may fear that you may want to transition or that you are homosexual or bisexual, even though none of these things may be true.

Not only may she want to read it, but you may want to also. Because it talks about how the cross-dresser needs to keep lines of communication open and still be understanding of her needs, like she may only want to have sex with the male side of you. And according to the book, divorce may be that last thing you and her may want to do.

Anyway, there's this book and others. They are all quite helpful.

Love, Tracy

[Sandra]

You need to try to get her to sit down and talk to you, both of you need to get things out in the open. She may not like what you're saying and the same maybe for you, but if you can discuss not argue, and listen to each other then she might come round.

This has been a big shock for her, she's just found out that her husband has been keeping this from her. She probably feels that she can't trust you at this moment in time, but that may come back but it's going to take a lot of time and thought on your part.

Two days is no time at all for her to get her head around this.
Don't expect miracles over night because it's just not going to happen, it could take months even years, even then she may not be totally accepting.

Most of all get the lines of communication going, also try to get her to join here, where she'll get lot of help and support from other wives who have been through this.

[Shadow]

I would like to thank all of you for your help and advice, Right now my SO has decided that if we don't talk about it, it will just go away. She gets mad at me because I bring it up and try to talk a little. BTW now that she knows I took the next step and shaved my legs last nite. It is amazing how something so simple can fel so nice. I think I'm going out for my first pair of heels to go with my soft legs.

[kayfan]

depends on the woman and how open minded they are.....mine found out and it was all over.live on my own and can't wait to get home to dress...and now on here even better

[sissystephanie]

This is my second post on this same subject with just a few minutes! See "Told My Wife."

When will you ladies learn that a marriage, to be successful, must always have open and honest communication? That means, if you are a crossdresser before you are married, you tell you fiance! If you become a crossdresser after you are married, you tell your wife immediately. Now I know a lot of are going to say that is crazy. But it isn't, it just goes back to the open and honest communication. Your wife married a Man, or at least she thought she did! Now she finds out that you like to dress like a woman! She is obviously going to wonder, what is next! I told my wife before we were married, and we had over 49 happy years together before she passed on!

Divorce should be the last thing on your mind if you truly love her. What you need to is communicate that love, and the fact that you are still her MAN, regardless of what kind of clothes you happen to be wearing. You have already been given some good advise, use it wisely. Always remember, honesty is the best policy. It is a whole lot easier to remember the truth, then to remember a lie!

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[DanaR]

There have been several good threads discussing this very same topic. I would suggest that you do a couple of searches. Be understanding of her and take it easy.

[smokey]

i wasn't a spouse, i was a short term SO when i found out; no clue beforehand. with me there was more involved, but i can tell you talk talk talk talk listen listen listen like all have said before.
it takes time. and space (i don't mean the living separate kind of space.)
and i can say that my SO didn't want to talk about it. that was hard. talk to her, that is very important. answer all questions, encourage her to ask them. above all be honest.
point her to information.

[Laney GG]

This is coming from a wife who found out a year and a half ago and still trying to come to grips with this...I think shaving your legs may not have been the wisest thing to do. If your wife is still not wanting to talk about this, I think this will be a huge slap in the face to her. If my husband just decided to shave his legs without talking to me about it first, I think it would push me over the edge. I married my husband for who he is, but I also married him for "what" he is: a guy with a hairy chest, legs and arms. And if he shaved to "fem" himself up, I would find that to be completely disrespectful of our marriage and agreements. I know this may be somewhat difficult for you to understand that it's about who you are, but it truely is about how you present yourself as well. Please, if you really love her and want to try to make your marriage work, don't rock the boat. COMPROMISE (even if it seems as if you are doing all the compromising at first)is a huge word in a CD'ing relationship and you just need to be patient and try to do things at her pace. I would like to consider myself tolerating, not accepting. I know my husband has this need to fullfill and I respect this, however, it is an extremely tough pill to swallow and I don't want it shoved down my throat. I give him some space to let him dress when I'm not around, but I have NO desire to see him all femmed up! Give her time and space and hopefully she'll begin to have some understanding for you. Counselling and research is highly recommended!

[KatrinaAshley]

If a woman can change her appearance without question I find it difficult to see why it should be any different for a man. Why do some women have trouble with things just because they're out of the ordinary? In this day and age, what IS ordinary? My solution isn't for everyone but I find it easier to stay out of relationships altogether.

[Sandra]

I think shaving your legs may not have been the wisest thing to do. If your wife is still not wanting to talk about this, I think this will be a huge slap in the face to her.


:iagree:


Waiting and trying to help her accept and understand would have been a better thing to do.

[Laney GG]

If my husband wants to get a new haircut or shave off his goatee, I wouldn't have a problem with it. When women change hair cut/style or whatever, they are still looking like women. When men are wearing dresses and make up, they are trying to look like women, not a guy with a new outfit. There is a difference. I'm not saying it's right or fair, but it's just how many people feel. I think if you can find someone you truely love and can be honest from the beginning about your "true" self, then a relationship can last. Just my :2c:

[MJ]

If a woman can change her appearance without question I find it difficult to see why it should be any different for a man. Why do some women have trouble with things just because they're out of the ordinary? In this day and age, what IS ordinary? My solution isn't for everyone but I find it easier to stay out of relationships altogether.

honesty trust respect i find that works better than dishonesty and lies .

being honest upfront works better . putting a gun to her head and telling her you CD and you better get use to it . oh BTW i shaved my legs too !! bad idea

can you imagine what is going through that poor womans head right now ?
cool your jets . don't do anything to make things any worse

[Carly D.]

If I were you, I wouldn't jump into anything as drastic as divorce. At this point you have to take things slow. Is she willing to talk without all the rants that usually come along with the shock? Even if she blows off some steam, at least try talking to her but tread carefully and take her feelings into account. She could be feeling al sorts of feelings including dismay, anger,hurt, sadness, shock, and surprise. if she starts to talk but then decides to call it off, give her time and space. Most of all, show her all the love and support you can, she needs it now more than ever. Luv and :hugs: Jill

I think I would agree with Jill... take things slowly, and communicate.. talk to her about it when she wants to talk about it, don't push the subject....

[Melinda G]

It is clear that whatever fantasy image she had of you in her head, is gone.
This a major thing for her, as it would be for you to find her dressed butch.
With a few exceptions, marriage and crossdressing do not work out very well.
All of you "ladies" thinking about "coming out" to your wives and SOs, pay close attention here!

[StephanieH]

:eek:With due respect to Melinda, I pray that anyone involved in a serious relationship doesn't take that advice seriously. It's not marraige and crossdressing that are at odds with each other - it's dishonesty and marraige that are at odds with each other.

Ask any GG on this forum and I feel certain they'll agree. The bigger issue here, and always is, honesty - not the dressing. When you hide stuff like this from someone for years or months or however long, you're laying the foundation for disaster. Anything you have to hide from your wife is probably something you're gonna' get in trouble for, no matter what it is.

If you're married and you want to do this, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to clear the air or, preferably, be up front with this issue going into things. If someone loves you, GENUINELY LOVES YOU, then wearing frillies isn't going to be a make-or-break situation. It takes a long time to earn trust and only seconds to lose it. Everyone reading this, definitely bear that in mind. If you found out your wife had been hiding something major in her life from you, would you trust her about anything? What else is she hiding? Is she having an affair? This is a two way street. It's better to lay all the cards on the table and not live in fear, that just isn't good for anyone.

As to the original post, talk to her, explain stuff, and give her time. Above all else, she needs some reassurance right now - so do something to reassure her - only you know what that is.

Take care all and God bless! :)

[Emily Anderson]

Is it time to start the divorce papers or can wives get past this

I'm hoping that you have a bit more sensitivity toward your wife than that which is apparent by this statement! It sounds somewhat transactional...

[SherriePall]

Shadow -- I just hope you're not winding us up. Your first post and you ask us if you should get a divorce. The dust hadn't even settled at home and you're asking that? I really feel sorry for your wife. I, too, blurted out to my wife that I CD'ed, but I immediately gave her space and backed off, hoping she wouldn't want to divorce me! When she settled down we talked. I didn't go running into the shower to shave my legs and aggravate the situation.
If you're serious with this post, I suggest (command would be a better word) that you slow down if you really care about your wife. This is not something easily digested.

[Shadow]

No I am not "winding you up" at least I think not if you are asking "am I just posting for some sick giggles. this is all on the level. Our marage has been a little shaky for some time now. My SO started to let herself go in the last year. I work out on top of having a heavy iron workers job "I'm the idiot walking a 4 in.wide peace of steel 42 stories up" , to keep in shape so she can be proud to be seen with someone fit. She put on 45 lbs and has been going through a gallon bottle of wine a night. With the xtra weight she can't wear any of the frillies I bought for her. And with getting toasted every night it has been very hard to get romantic.
PS what dous GG stand for?

[DanaR]

Our marage has been a little shaky for some time now. My SO started to let herself go in the last year.

Let me see, with what you just said, you are now helping everything out by telling your wife you crossdress? That should help your marriage out a lot. I'm not sure what you are trying to do. It doesn't seem like you are doing anything to help your marriage.

[Shadow]

I didn't tell her, She came home early from work and saw me. She hasn'nt seen my legs yet so as per the groups thought I wil let it grow back. It sounds right that smooth legs could be too much right now.
But it dous feel soooo nice

[Emily Anderson]

Do you actually live with your SO? Is there any intimacy?

I can't believe that you can shave your legs and expect to hide it until it grows back...

Where is the love?

[Shadow]

thats just it ... between the wine , the xtra weight , and her working 2nd shift we don't see too much o each other

[Emily Anderson]

Sounds like a **** and bull story to me...

[Shadow]

Sorry you feel this way....I am on the level
Love your avitar how do you put one up ?

[Emily Anderson]

I'm not going to waste any more time on this. You should open up and say something meaningful...

[Shadow]

What would convince you my Picture??

[MeraLehanga]

Just go slow, and try to explain to her that you are the same person with the same feelings and love for her. And it has been like this since you met and married her, and admit this is your secret world on which you have no control whatsoever. its there since you were born, that you didnt cultivate it, nor created it, and she shouldnt punish you for that. Let her know that there are times you hate yourself for it but are helpless.

The femme mode comes and goes without invitation or provocation., and the least she could do is to assist you in understanding your situation, being your wife. There are millions like you who are suffering like you leading a dual life and cant help it, and the constant fear to lose one's own family! Is that a life? Question her, and let her know she is so fortunate that she is calm and at ease whereas you are in constant turmoil of indecisiveness. Give her importance by asking for her help.

Good luck
Mera

[Daintre]

She put on 45 lbs and has been going through a gallon bottle of wine a night. With the xtra weight she can't wear any of the frillies I bought for her. And with getting toasted every night it has been very hard to get romantic.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why your SO has gained weight and has been drinking? Do you even care? There is much more here than simple crossdressing, this marriage has been in trouble for some time. In your opening post you asked if you should go straight to divorce....is that what you want? Sorry, but without knowing your SO's side I can't comment anymore in this thread.

[Shadow]

I don't know the reason for the weight and the wine. I admit I never ask her, maybe for fear of insulting or imbarrising her. Her children (girl 19 boy 18 ) have told me this is s.o.p. for her. however they also tell me her average SO lasts 4 years and we are working toward our 7th aniversary. I must be doing something right to have broken the record by 3 years. BTW I'm her 3rd and she is my 2nd.

[StephanieH]

I'm kinda' startled by the harshness in this thread. Obviously, some peeps out there have never been to the deep south, this kinda' relationship is hardly unheard of down here.

From the sounds of it, you two have much larger issues than your dressing. If she's downing that much hooch and has put on that much weight in a year, she needs help and so do you. BOTH of you need to find a therapist, you're not going to fix this relationship on your own, it sounds like it was quite broken before she came home and found you out.

Good luck and God bless. :straightface:

[Shadow]

sounds like a good plan



thanks

[destinysgirl]

give her some time and try to talk to her again...reassure her it is just clothes, something that makes you feel pretty. If that's the worst you would ever want to do...it's not really a bad thing...godd luck

[Samantha Thomson]

i know that feeling my gf came home early to saw me in a skirt garterbelt black stocking bra blouse red lipstick eye shadow mascarre the whole deel she came out and ask you want to be a women i told her and she said fine then you can be my girl that was 8yrs ago she real sweet but does buy me clothes loves buying sexy skirts for me and a bra or two and nylons

[Amy Hepker]

Don't push to talk, let her pick the time to talk about it and be honest and open. This is why I believe you should be open about it in the first place. It could be the beginning of the end. Let her decide. Just keep going with your lives.

[bobbiewpb]

ive been married for about 30 when wife found out. she said she wouldnt except it. six years later still married and sometimes she lets me dress and starting to except it. she leaves her used panties out for me to put on after work. she wont except you right away but give it time and dont push it. dress without her knowing and talk about dressing sometimes to her but let her except it

[kimberlyt221]

I'm kinda' startled by the harshness in this thread. Obviously, some peeps out there have never been to the deep south, this kinda' relationship is hardly unheard of down here.

From the sounds of it, you two have much larger issues than your dressing. If she's downing that much hooch and has put on that much weight in a year, she needs help and so do you. BOTH of you need to find a therapist, you're not going to fix this relationship on your own, it sounds like it was quite broken before she came home and found you out.

Good luck and God bless. :straightface:

I agree. Instead of thinking down on her, try to remember the things that made you love her. You're still the same person with your crossdressing, and she's still the same person, even if she did " let her self go" ( I don't like that phrase very much)