Told my wife

[Dakota]

Well, I did it. I told my wife that I am a CD. I just recently accepted it myself and did not want to keep it from her. I love her very much and we are very honest with eachother. We are a very close couple and she is very open minded. Her initial reaction was one of overall acceptence...until it sunk in. I think it took awhile to process. After a tearfilled discussion, she is still accepting of it. It will just take awhile for her to really process the idea. We will get there in baby steps.

I love her so much and was so afraid this would hurt our relationship, but I think in the end we will be better for it.

I showed her this forum and she joined right away. This forum helped me accept the CD part of myself and I'm so glad that its here for both she and I.

Thank you for having this forum and for all the members who are so supportive of eachother.

[Debbi]

I'm very happy and proud of you Dakota. That takes a LOT of courage to come out to your wife or SO. It's probably one of the hardest things to do because of the fear of rejection. I was just as scared when i finally told MY wife. However, being "found out" is almost 100x worse and almost always leaves a scar that is hard to overcome. So you did the right thing. So glad to to hear that she is here on the forum. it will do wonders for her in understanding this part of you.

You are both here in the right place and we're all here to help.

Hugs to both of you,

Debbi

[Bernadina]

That's wonderful. :)

[christinac]

It adds a new light to a discussion in an other thread where I posted " It is better that they hear it from you instead of from a second source that could possible twist and bend things up into a ghastly mess". I'm glad that it was you that told her and it appears things will be okay.

[icequeen]

it's good you told her, and like your wife, I'm accepting, but sometimes I'm still processing it. It's a hard thing to swallow at first, but I love him no matter what. Communicaiton is your best bet, just keep with it and everything will be all right.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Hopefully the wife will be OK with it....I decided to get into this whol;e CD thing and told my wife a couple of months ago and she got into the "what's going on here"....then it was Oh OK and then she was going back and forth for a bit and now I'm typing this post and jsut finished putting on my make up and heels and she's sitting next to me on her computer...BTW she also said I'm getting better with putting on my make-up....

Hopefully things will smooth out for you....

[Dakota]

Well, it was just yesterday that I posted this thread and already I have an update. My SO let me know last night that she can not accept my CDing. At first it seemed that everything would be ok, but I think it became more real to her when I shaved my legs. I asked her if it was ok first and then did it. I guess it just made it more real to her. We had a very tearfilled discussion last night and she wants nothing to do with it.

She doesn't want me to "not be who I am" but she also doesn't want anything to do with this life style. I wish it were different, but I can see where she is coming from and understand her issues with it. I'm really depressed right now and not sure how I'm going to handle this.

[JoAnnDallas]

You both need to sit down and talk and come to a compromise. One that she can handle right now and still allows you some freedom. I told my wife a little over a year ago. For almost a year, we had a "No Ask, No Tell" policy. She did not want to see me dressed or pictures of me dressed. That all changed 2 months ago. She is now a lot more accepting.

All of this is still new to her. It will take her time and they could be many reversals too. It may take a very long time, even years, depending on how she processes it all. Look up resources on the Net and see if she is willing to read or look at them.

I will not say that all will come out roses. It may well come out bad. BUT you both need to work on this and mabey even seek professional help.

Keep the faith and hang in there. Keep us all up to date, we all here can help and give you guiadance, but you and your wife have to do the work.

[Nikki K]

Slow down!
I recently came out to my SO and one very fine piece of advice I was given in this forum was to avoid, at all costs, the "Pink Cloud". This refers to the fact that now you've told your partner you feel free to do all things you've been holding back on. (i.e. shaving, wig, make up, moving clothes into your shared closet)

It's been almost three weeks since I started to discuss my deepest, inner feelings. She's slowly, very slowly, starting to understand, not accept (at least not yet) but 'understand'.

You need to be her 'man' more now than ever before. She is going to be feeling desperately insecure, unloved, inadequate, angry, and scared. You are going to need to give her all your love and support.

You're off to a great start; you're still talking. The pendulum is going to swing from revulsion to acceptance and back again before you're done.

Good luck. Hang in there. And hang in here; the girls on this forum are a fantastic bunch whose support is absolutely awesome and invaluable. I couldn't have got through these last few weeks without them.

Nikki

[Donna Michelle]

If your wife doesn't want to see you crossdress, wear girly things under your guy clothes. Wear more things when she is not around to see you - when she is shopping, at work or in another room. Don't shave, apply makeup or transform in front of her. Take small steps instead of simply appearing as a woman. She married a man and that is what she wants to see.

Shaving your legs shouldn't be a big deal. Muscle builders and models shave. You can make comparisons or ask why this particular thing bothers her. She is probably wondering "what's next". You can ask her before doing each thing you hope to do. Maybe you can wait to do your nails. My wife rarely looks at my feet which have pink nail polish and no one at work sees that. It may be something she may allow you to do, especially if you wear socks to bed or slippers.

Don't make a list and ask her to say yes or no to every thing on the list. That will overwhelm her. You can ask for one thing a week or month for example, but assure her that you are not planning to become a woman or date men or whatever it is she is worried about.

Ask her why this bothers her and how she can feel better without you having to give up dressing. And try to get her to understand that you were always this way, so nothing has changed inside you. You just want to be happy and this makes you happy.

I recently came out to my wife. She was very supportive, though she said she won't have sex with Donna, just the man she married. She shops with me and deals with jokes, questions and even insults. She loves me and stands by her (wo)man. Your wife could talk to my wife. She is great. Luckily, my wife already had some crossdresser friends who made her feel better.

My wife understands me so much that when I came out, she wasn't even surprised! She was just disappointed that I kept secrets from her. Ask your wife if she is worried about how much time she gets with you as a man or if there are other issues. More time with the man and the sex with only the man were the two things my wife mentioned to me. And she always says what she thinks.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Don't rush her sis. Like another sister said....take it slow and don't run off in the fog. If she can handle "don't ask don't tell" for now then you have made a huge step.......she can't one day get the sudden big surprise.


Emily Ann

[kendra o'riley]

I asked her if it was ok first and then did it. I guess it just made it more real to her. We had a very tearfilled discussion last night and she wants nothing to do with it.

She doesn't want me to "not be who I am" but she also doesn't want anything to do with this life style.

Sweetheart - I, and a few others here (LOL) are rowing this boat right beside you - You're in a place where all the rules that you had worked out over the course of your marriage have changed - since by definition, you're "Not the man she married,"you wife gets a pass from society and both of your "upbringings" to have the feelings she never thought she'd ever have... so she will seesaw swing and flip flop at will... agreements that you make one day will be void the next as she continues to process - but underneath it all is love. Her love for you. I guess I'm a little cautious about offering what to say or ask - but you have to be willing to always keep yourself in the batter's box, kid and keep swinging! - when I came out I was the saint always standing next to her, helping her cope, worried about how she was doing, feeling, getting on, and deep down I was screaming "hey what about me????? I'm tyhe one trying to rectify a lifetime of hiding!...

But tantrums won't help. Your love for her and your love for yourself is your compass - follow it! It will lead you and her to the only place you were truly supposed to go

I Feel ya sistah - everyday is a new day.

kendra

[sissystephanie]

This thread, and many of the responses, are prime examples of why I have always "preached" about being honest and upfront with your SO, BEFORE she becomes your wife. She married a man and now she finds that you want to dress like a woman. Don't get me wrong, I too prefer to dress as a woman every chance I get. And I am definitely a man!!

But I told my late wife before we were married, because not telling her would mean that we would be married under false pretenses. She was accepting, with some limits. I could not dress, outwardly, around our children when we had some. And I always had to remember that I was her MAN, regardless of what I was wearing. BTW, they are grown and I still do not dress around them!

You need to let your wife know that you are still the man she married, and in no uncertain terms!! As has already been suggested, sit down with her and talk things thru. If necessary, schedule a conference with a Gender counselor with both of you attending. You laid a load on her, and now you have to show her that it can be handled to the satisfaction of both.

Sissy/Stephanie

Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

[Mary Morgan]

Kendra, You have really nailed it, and you are right, in the end, "love will turn you around, turn you around"

[Sandra]

I can bet that things didn't sink in at first when you told her, yes you said your a cder but did you try to explain about all the stuff that goes with it, like the leg shaving etc?

I suggest you slow down and just think about her feelings as well and the reason she has given. And do a lot more talking.