Kimberley
06-10-2008, 10:36 PM
This is from my journal entry of today.
*************
My name is Kimberley. You know me as Harold but he was a lie; well, in part anyway. You see it as a lie; a deception of unfathomable proportions but really is it? Am I all that different now or is it that my true identity disturbs your sense of self. Is it that you can't imagine how someone who is anatomically male can really be a female or is it that the concept is an affront to your sense of self.
I refuse to apologize for me. That would be a lie.
I will apologize for things I have done.
I will apologize for the deception but I will also make sure that the apology is conditional that you understand I had to lie for my own self preservation. There is no other reason for this and no other way for the apology to have meaning.
I will not apologize for loving you because that person who loves you now, was loving you then. You just didn’t know it or see it. That cannot be a lie. Love cannot lie unless it is conditional and then it is a lie.
I will not apologize for hiding. I have done that and I have shed tears aplenty for that even though you didn’t see them or hear my anguish.
I will not apologize for being selfish. It is my life after all and I have given it freely and with much sacrifice to make you happy. You just don’t know the depth of that sacrifice. Your happiness has had a price that I had to pay. That payment is still being made now, and the interest is horrific. I do invite you to share it though.
I will no longer apologize for the past, only the present. I can no longer live in the past. I have spent much time, effort and emotion coming to understand and accept it. Much of that acceptance is of my own actions or lack of. Please do not ask me to confront it on your behalf. I refuse. They are now your problems, not mine. I will share your pain but I will not take ownership for it.
So who am I? I am a father, sister, big brother, grandfather, grandmother. I am a husband and a wife. I am a human being most of all. Everything is a label designed to confine me and I will no longer be confined to your concepts of labels. I am many things.
I am still the same sarcastic smart ass I always was.
I am still the same caring human being I always was.
I am still the same intelligent and creative person I always was.
I am still the same sensitive person I always was; that person you didn’t often see.
I can still be callous; it is a human fault but it is not who I am, it is a reaction to a situation.
I can still be all that I was before, only now I can be open about me and my emotions, and my feelings because they are mine and only mine.
Please don’t tell me that I don’t understand your confusion and pain. I probably understand it more than you do because I had to go through it myself. I have seen it in others and I have learned from their struggles with a transgendered spouse or parent. Some have managed to support their spouse or parent, most have not. It is a question of true and deep love above all else. Don’t ask me to make your decisions for you. I refuse. To do so I am taking responsibility for your life and your decisions. If I do that the decisions are mine, not yours. I cannot tell you what to do; what is right for you. Only you can do that. What I can say is that I do not want to lose you but that is your decision, not mine. I will grieve that loss should it happen.
What has changed? Nothing and everything. I have changed and grown and let the little girl inside me grow up. She was suppressed for so long and at a terrible personal price. I like her; a lot and you might too if you take the time to get to know her. If you don’t then so be it but if you don’t try then you have done yourself no favours. She really is a lot like Harold but she is also very different in many ways. She is a stronger feminist and a strong voice of outrage against ignorance and all that goes with it. She has a very sharp tongue and the intelligence to make people think; even the dumb ones.
She loves to do all the things that she only occasionally got to do in the past. She still loves to cook and she loves a glass of wine. She likes to laugh and make people laugh. She likes a deep conversation too. She loves to help others whether it is a friend, a student or someone she has only met virtually who is struggling. She loves to cuddle and be held and made to feel she is cherished. It doesn’t happen, so in that regard she is very lonely. She is not alone, just lonely. She loves to make music, write, and practice her photography. You never saw the photography as hers did you? It was and is. It has always been her eye on the world around. Take another look at it and you might just see that too.
It isn't easy being Kimberley but it is a lot easier than being Harold.
:hugs:
*************
My name is Kimberley. You know me as Harold but he was a lie; well, in part anyway. You see it as a lie; a deception of unfathomable proportions but really is it? Am I all that different now or is it that my true identity disturbs your sense of self. Is it that you can't imagine how someone who is anatomically male can really be a female or is it that the concept is an affront to your sense of self.
I refuse to apologize for me. That would be a lie.
I will apologize for things I have done.
I will apologize for the deception but I will also make sure that the apology is conditional that you understand I had to lie for my own self preservation. There is no other reason for this and no other way for the apology to have meaning.
I will not apologize for loving you because that person who loves you now, was loving you then. You just didn’t know it or see it. That cannot be a lie. Love cannot lie unless it is conditional and then it is a lie.
I will not apologize for hiding. I have done that and I have shed tears aplenty for that even though you didn’t see them or hear my anguish.
I will not apologize for being selfish. It is my life after all and I have given it freely and with much sacrifice to make you happy. You just don’t know the depth of that sacrifice. Your happiness has had a price that I had to pay. That payment is still being made now, and the interest is horrific. I do invite you to share it though.
I will no longer apologize for the past, only the present. I can no longer live in the past. I have spent much time, effort and emotion coming to understand and accept it. Much of that acceptance is of my own actions or lack of. Please do not ask me to confront it on your behalf. I refuse. They are now your problems, not mine. I will share your pain but I will not take ownership for it.
So who am I? I am a father, sister, big brother, grandfather, grandmother. I am a husband and a wife. I am a human being most of all. Everything is a label designed to confine me and I will no longer be confined to your concepts of labels. I am many things.
I am still the same sarcastic smart ass I always was.
I am still the same caring human being I always was.
I am still the same intelligent and creative person I always was.
I am still the same sensitive person I always was; that person you didn’t often see.
I can still be callous; it is a human fault but it is not who I am, it is a reaction to a situation.
I can still be all that I was before, only now I can be open about me and my emotions, and my feelings because they are mine and only mine.
Please don’t tell me that I don’t understand your confusion and pain. I probably understand it more than you do because I had to go through it myself. I have seen it in others and I have learned from their struggles with a transgendered spouse or parent. Some have managed to support their spouse or parent, most have not. It is a question of true and deep love above all else. Don’t ask me to make your decisions for you. I refuse. To do so I am taking responsibility for your life and your decisions. If I do that the decisions are mine, not yours. I cannot tell you what to do; what is right for you. Only you can do that. What I can say is that I do not want to lose you but that is your decision, not mine. I will grieve that loss should it happen.
What has changed? Nothing and everything. I have changed and grown and let the little girl inside me grow up. She was suppressed for so long and at a terrible personal price. I like her; a lot and you might too if you take the time to get to know her. If you don’t then so be it but if you don’t try then you have done yourself no favours. She really is a lot like Harold but she is also very different in many ways. She is a stronger feminist and a strong voice of outrage against ignorance and all that goes with it. She has a very sharp tongue and the intelligence to make people think; even the dumb ones.
She loves to do all the things that she only occasionally got to do in the past. She still loves to cook and she loves a glass of wine. She likes to laugh and make people laugh. She likes a deep conversation too. She loves to help others whether it is a friend, a student or someone she has only met virtually who is struggling. She loves to cuddle and be held and made to feel she is cherished. It doesn’t happen, so in that regard she is very lonely. She is not alone, just lonely. She loves to make music, write, and practice her photography. You never saw the photography as hers did you? It was and is. It has always been her eye on the world around. Take another look at it and you might just see that too.
It isn't easy being Kimberley but it is a lot easier than being Harold.
:hugs: